Showing posts with label Sincerely Sarah. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sincerely Sarah. Show all posts

Sincerely Sarah

By Sarah



Sarah,

What is your favorite Christmas movie? Mine is “Die Hard.”

-Christmas Carl


Dear Christmas Carl,
Thank you so, so much for asking. There are many Christmas movies out there, and the ones you pick to watch each holiday season say a lot about who you are as a person. For instance, someone who chooses "Die Hard" as their favorite Christmas movie must get off on adrenaline, distrust Germans, and associate holidays with intense conflict and family drama. But honestly, who doesn't?
That being said, I'd have to go with "Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer", an animated film from 1964. Why? Because in today's society everyone is CONFORMING to SOCIAL NORMS. As a society we ostracize the bizarre, the ugly! Let us embrace these things. Rudolph teaches (brainwashes) us as YOUTH that it is OKAY to be different (as long as you help the PATRIARCH acheive HIS goals!!!!!!!!) Find strength in numbers with those like YOU! Those creatures (ELVES, WOMEN) who feel too individualistic for the modern world. BUT LOOK OUT. Because you'll always run into an abominable monster (OLD WHITE MEN) trying to destroy you (YOUR DREAMS). Challenge the "champions" of the reindeer "games" with your SLY GIFTS and you SHALL NOT be treated ill again!!! In fact, you will be rewarded with RESPONSIBILITY for the CHILDREN of the WORLD.
I also like "A Christmas Story".
Happy Holidays,
Sarah

sarah,

i am a female, let’s get that out of the way. i have an ex boyfriend who i am trying to “snag” again, so to speak. do you have ANY suggestions for how to do this? i’ve been trying to manipulate him into letting me back into his life for a while and that’s moderately effective but we aren’t officially back yet. help me help myself help him fall back in love with me.

tessa


Dear Tessa,
Awesome goals. Men are so easily manipulated, your ex will never see this coming. You should have him back by the end of the week after reading these simple steps:
1. Call him a lot. Guys are great communicators, and showing him that you are ready and willing to talk at him constantly will go a long way, especially as you lure him back into your tightly-fisted grasp.
2. Guys love games. Not like sports. Like, mind games. Even if you remember him saying he was busy, pretend to forget and show up at his place anyways. He'll be confused but eager to solve this awesome riddle.
3. Also show up at his work a lot.
4. Post all the pictures you have (access to) of the two of you from your dating past on Facebook and tag him. He'll appreciate this.
5. Tell people you are back together. Have you ever read "The Secret"? If you just wish for something, it comes true like a fairy godmother! If you tell people you're back together it will happen. It will also be awesome when they ask him about it. He might start to think that you never even broke up!
6. Call him more. Make some of the calls inaudable because of how hard you're crying.
7. Guys LOVE food. Just.. do something with that.
8. Threats.
9. HJs.
10. Talk a lot about how chill you are.
Best of luck!
XXX,
Sarah

Hey Sarah,

I have a quick Facebook question for you. How many status updates per day is “too many?” I have important links and yes sometimes emotions that I want to share with my friends list but I don’t want people to start hiding me from their stupid fucking newsfeeds.

Love,
Your biggest Facebook fan


Dear Biggest Facebook Fan,
First of all, THANK YOU! So happy to be talking to a fan.
Second of all, this is a great question. More people need to be asking it. The short answer to your question is: 3.
The long answer to your question is: 3. 

Unless something terrible has happened and Facebook is your only means of communication, 3 is your limit. 

Also, do not use all 3 posts for extreme emotional, spur-of-the-moment, if-I-don't-post-this-people-won't-know-my-agony posts. Not necessary. Feel free to type out a post, wait 5 minutes, then come back to it to see if it is still relevant and necessary to share. 

Newsfeed is treacherous,
Sarah

Sincerely Sarah (5-31-12)

By Sarah


Sarah,
How do you come up with ideas for your articles and videos on the internet?  I want to be creative, but the only ideas I can ever come up with are parodies of movies and songs that already exist, like “Boobtanic” and “Not to Kill a Mockingbird.”  Can you offer me advice?
-Parody Peter Pardow

Dear Parody Peter Pardow,

I mean, duh, man. I can offer you advice. THAT'S WHY I WRITE THIS COLUMN.

I'll tell you what: forget all the rules. Just, stop worrying about being a parody fanatic. Stealing other people's ideas is a great way to get creative. You have to capitalize on what you do well: the parody. Can you do a parody of a parody? Parody your own parodies. Do a parody parade to raise money for your parodied parodies. Your goal should be to eventually have someone want to parody your parodied parodies into their own parody. Throw a parody party. Get a parrot tree. BECOME your art; become the parody. You can then pat yourself on the back and get started on Boobtanic 2.

When in doubt, if you NEED to come up with your own original idea, lock yourself in your apartment, whip out a light saber and record your actions on a camera. Upload it to YouTube.

Imagine the possibilities,
Sarah


Hello, Sarah, dear friend,
What is your favorite sitcom?  Mine is probably Big Bang Theory.  I love how it shows nerds doing stuff and we can laugh at their expense.  As you know, I’m a jock and love nerd humor.  I don’t read manga or play RPG video games so not all of the jokes make sense to me, but the ones that do are so funny.
-Bazinga Billy

Dear Bazinga Billy,

Well, well, well. It's certainly fun to laugh at people who are different than we are, isn't it? I'M BEING SARCASTIC BILLY. You sound like a middle schooler whose pants are falling down. Put on a belt and appreciate the nerds who built your iPhone and make the internet possible.

My favorite sitcom is Sex and the City because it portrays women in this really awesome, independent way. They can be sexy and chill! In no way has it made me insecure about my own relationships or given me inaccurate scenarios in which stilettos are acceptable. It’s also cool that the whole show doesn’t actually revolve around men.

TV is just like real life,
Sarah


hello “sarah”

who are you really?  I know a lot of advice columnists are using fake names and fake characters.  for instance, did you know “Ann Landers” isn’t a real person?  It’s a pen name that was run by some old lady for decades.  what are you hiding?

-margo howard.


Dear “Margo Howard”,

I once read in a very reliable magazine that if your boyfriend keeps accusing you of cheating on him you better watch out because HE is cheating on you. As humans we assume everyone else is living the same life as us. So, “Margo”, if that is your real name, I ask: who are you? What are you hiding? I’ll tell you right now, I got no skeletons in my closet (they were stolen when some scientists broke into my apartment). Here is a list of things I have hidden in the past about which I'm happy to come clean:

Gummi Bears in my pocket (to get into a movie)
Sour Patch Kids in my purse (to get into a movie)
A boy in my trunk (weren’t enough seatbelts)
My face (from someone I knew on the bus)
My true feelings about Tina Fey
Marijuana
How much a shirt cost (I hid that from myself)
Root beer in my jacket (to get into a movie)

Now Margo, maybe I’ve given you the courage to look in the mirror and face yourself.

You get more bang for your buck on candy at Walgreen’s,
Sarah


Sincerely Sarah (5-1-12)

By Sarah





Hi Sarah,

My arm is stuck in a vending machine. I was trying to reach up and grab a Charleston Chew (bad idea, I know). What should I do? I can almost grab the Charleston Chew and it sounds really good (though not as good as when I first put my arm in), but my kids are at home without a babysitter. I should probably get back to them. Anyway, what do you think?

-Charleston Chewie

Dear Charleston Chewie,

I think you should have babysitter numbers on speed dial for just such an occasion. However, since you are stuck now, try lubricating your arm with saliva and jiggling the machine to wriggle your arm out of that PUSH slot. Aren’t those PUSH slots the worst? I feel like even when I don’t stick my arm stupidly up into the cavity of the machine that PUSH slot chomps down on my hand. Like, hello! I’m just trying to grab my Twizzlers that I PAID FOR!

Also, don’t get mad at the Charleston Chew because you got your arm stuck – they are really good candy bars. The vanilla ones, at least. My primary advice for you is to purchase a large case of Charleston Chews from Costco when you get unstuck (call 911 I guess???) so you can curb your cravings and make it up to your kids for abandoning them.

Vending machines are still a great invention,
Sarah



Sarah,
Who is your favorite dub step artist? What is your opinion on dub step?
-Skrillex

Dear Skrillex,

My favorite dub step artist is Lindsey Stirling. This is partly because hers was the first YouTube video I clicked on after I typed “dub step” into the search bar, and partly because she’s wandering around a frozen tundra playing the violin. And dancing. What? Exactly.

My opinion on dub step is that its very good for getting into trances. Its very trance-like. When I want to be entranced I listen to dub step for being in a trance. Dub step is so good for trances. Trances. I like dub step because I like winding down with a good trance-like state. I am in a trance right now. Trance. Dub step and trances are good. Dub step. Trances.

Huh?
Sarah


Dear Sarah,

I am watching a show where this guy is eating a cheese that has bugs crawling around in it. Are you watching that show too? What do I do about my pregnant hermaphrodite child?

-This Show Is Crazy Stu

Dear Stu,

I might be watching that show. Is it "Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations"? Bourdain travels all over and eats a lot of weird stuff. I watch that show a lot. Um, is it "Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern"? He eats even weirder stuff and would probably eat cheese with bugs on it because I’ve seen him eat bugs on skewers before. Is it Gordon Ramsay’s "Great Escape" show? He ate a beating cobra heart on that show so he might be who you are watching. I just started watching that show.

Is it "Iron Chef"? Maybe the secret ingredient is bug infested cheese??
Is it "Ren and Stimpy"? I feel like they would totally eat buggy cheese for fun on that show!! I watched that show when it was on Nickelodeon!!!! It was kind of scary and gross!!!!!
IS IT EVEN TV?! ARE YOU CERTAIN YOU ARE WATCHING TV AND NOT EATING CHEESE WITH BUGS CRAWLING AROUND IN IT YOURSELF?!

Just checking. As for your hermaphrodite child, just support the pregnancy. Life is so much better when you support your loved ones.

Food shows always make me hungry,
Sarah

Sincerely "Sarah" (4-19-12)

By "Sarah"

Sarah!
What is the future like?  I am writing you from 1999.  Are we dead?  IS Y2K AS BAD AS EVERYONE SAYS?  I’m really scared of it.  I have more bottled water than common sense.
-Y2Kay

Dear Y2Kay,

Praise be to ~. In the future we have to start every correspondence, written or otherwise, with “Praise be to ~”. Oh, the ~ I mentioned is the symbol we use to represent our current Planet Owner. We aren’t allowed to type its name (especially on such out-dated machinery!). But, when pronounced it sounds something like the 1999 Chinese slang word for “strong urine stream”. Look that up … online! Hahahaha you guys still have “online”. The future is so cool. The current Planet Owner is from the Typewriter Galaxy. Yeah, an alien. Big whoop. It’s the second extra terrestrial that’s been Planet Owner. The first was from the Microwave Galaxy and was a total pushover. Now ~ has all us Earthlings on rigorous schedules. There is no day or night any more because no one needs sleep! Praise be to ~ and WAKEY EYES, a product we ingest every 6 work cycles. Darkness to us just means it’s break time to hunt for dinner. I guess, back in 1999 or something you guys hunted for your dinner all the time? I forget. It’s so long ago I think that’s what you did. So, that’s still the same. We hunt and gather. Anyways, what is Y2K? It looks like the symbol for “hugs not permitted”. A word of advice, if you have access to water, find some way to purify and contain it in a small device you can carry with you. There’s hardly any now. Praise be to ~.

~,
“Sarah”



Dear Sarah,
I am an atheist, but my two best friends are Scientologist and Christian.  Sometimes when my Scientologist friend Ron isn’t around, my Christian friend John will make fun of his religion as nonsensical.  How do I explain to him that while I agree, it is not that much more outrageous than his own beliefs in Christianity?  Scientology only seems weirder because so few people believe it, those people are emotionally damaged celebrities, and a big part of the ideology involves dropping hydrogen bombs on people who were by volcanoes.
-Atheist Annie

Dear Athiest Annie,

Praise be to ~. THREE ORGANIZED RELIGIONS?! Preposterous. If I were you I’d sit down with Ron and John and talk about the pros of fermented tofu instead, because GUESS WHAT?! Planet Owner ~ now insists that all of us Earthlings follow Transistor Radioism. It’s some organized religion that none of us really get but have to follow. It was super cool on Earth for a while when everyone was allowed to believe what they wanted – seriously, we came a long way – but then aliens invaded and weird shit happened and all of a sudden it was like, “You have to believe in Transistor Radioism – OR ELSE!” and we were all like, “Ooooookaaay… ?” but were too distracted with our new spacesuits to really care. People do still make jokes about Scientology, though. Praise be to ~.

Please send water,
“Sarah” 


Hi Sarah,
I’m going to a Phish show pretty soon and I have never done any drugs.  What drugs have you done?  I am planning on doing some at this show; I hear Phish shows are better on drugs.  I am going to get my jam on, if you know what I mean.
Love,
Phish Phyllis

Dear Phish Phyllis,

Praise be to ~. I have done a lot of drugs. Every 6 work cycles I take a dose of WAKEY EYES so that I do not need to sleep and can constantly be working, eating, or working. I’m sure whatever a Phish Show is, it will be better on drugs because I cannot imagine a world where I am not on drugs all the time! Other drugs I have done include:

POTTY STOPPER: Don’t waste time – sweat out waste!
WHAT MEMORY?: For those times when you know too much.
LOVE BUGS: One for procreation, Two for recreation ;-)

I do not know what you mean by “get my jam on”; I recognize jam as an ancient dessert placed on bread. Enjoy it on drugs! Just, if you take two LOVE BUGS, have a WHAT MEMORY? ready. Praise be to ~.

Sincerely,
“Sarah”


Sincerely Sarah (4-11-12)

By Sarah



 Dear Sarah,

I’m blind but I’ve always believed that if I try hard enough, I might just be able to see one day. What kinds of things might I try to help this process? Just a little background on me, I’ve been 100% blind my whole life, my doctors say that the condition is irreversible, but I have my doubts as to whether or not those are legitimate statements. Also, I’m 83 and I have pancreatic cancer. Anyways, if there’s anything you think I could do to make me see, let me know. I’m tired of being in the dark on everything.

“Who turned out the lights?” Jackson

Dear Who Turned Out the Lights?,

Yikes. I want to help, but you sound like a lost cause. Yikes! Now that I know you’re blind when I mention any of the five senses I feel (!) so awkward. Your hearing must be impeccable, because you’re so blind, so I hope you’ve heard how helpless you sound. However, doctors in today’s day and age will tell you anything to make a few Benjamins, so I’m taking your side here and will offer you all that I can.

Find a new doctor that believes you will see again and is willing to try anything to make it happen. The more experimental the treatment, the better.  Acid Rain Eye Drops? Let’s try it. You’re 83 and already really blind. There’s nowhere to go but up.

Eat carrots. I think they are good for eyesight. Have a friend monitor your hair to make sure you don’t turn into a ginger. You’ve never seen one, but they are scary. Like a creepy clown with freckles. UGH you’ve never seen those either. Whatever. Just, have someone tell you if your hair is turning orange. Gross.

Wear glasses because I once read “The Secret” and basically if you act like something is real, it becomes real. It didn’t make me rich, but it renewed my faith in Satan. Maybe it will cure your eyes.

Who needs a pancreas anyways?,
Sarah



Dear Sarah,

What if Garfield were real?

If Only Arnold


Dear If Only Arnold,

If Garfield were real, then Jon Arbuckle and Odie would have to be real because all three exist in the same plane.
If Jon and Odie are real, you and I are two-dimensional because they are two-dimensional. You and I are real and all three of them are real.
If all are real, all are two-dimensional.
If we are all two-dimensional and you and I have insight into the private lives of Jon, Odie and Garfield, they are reality stars.
Garfield mugs to us and gives us his thoughts = confessional.
Jon tries unsuccessfully to date women and we watch = romance/voyeurism.
Garfield kicks Odie off the counter = drama.
Lasagna consumption = gluttony/guilty pleasure.
Therefore, if Garfield were real he would be a reality star.
If Garfield were a reality star, he would be very rich and obnoxious. (See: Keeping up with the Kardashians, The Hills, etc.)
If Garfield were very rich and obnoxious we would mock him instead of honor him as we do now.
If we mocked Garfield, we would never be able to eat lasagna without doing an impression of him. (See: Jessica Simpson convincing herself that tuna and chicken are different on The Newlyweds.)
If we mocked Garfield every time we ate lasagna it would never taste good to us.

Sad.

Pasta,
Sarah




Hey girl ,

What is going on with you? I’m fine, y’know. Just been chillin’. I watched that movie “Jumping the Broom” the other day. You seen that? It is for real. You should see it if you haven’t. Let me know whats up. Love ya girlie <3

-Darlene


Dear Darlene,

Nothing is going on with me. I have not seen “Jumping the Broom”. How do you know you love me if you never met me? Girly is spelled with a “y” and loving someone is not less than the value of 3. Please get your act together.

Y’know isn’t a word either,
Sarah



Got a question?  Email it to sarah@oneyearintexas.com

Sincerely Sarah (3-21-2012)

By: Sarah




My son is into rap music, but I just don’t get it.  Is it like spoken word poetry with swears?  Could you please explain the appeal of rap music to me?
-Rappin’ Roger


Dear Rappin' Roger,

Yes. Rap is spoken word poetry with swears - BUT ONLY IF THE SWEARS ADD SOMETHING TO THE LYRICS. Rap music is about passion and expressing that which cannot be expressed in any other way (things like wealth, fortune, power, money, butts, etc.). Instead of booing your son's choice of music, try listening to even one rap song without breaking down and crying for the beauty of it. I literally dare you not to move your hips or grab your crotch as the music flows through you. Rap is definitely spoken word poetry with swears - to a beat. Right. Right. I forgot about the beat part. There's a beat to it. 



IT'S ABOUT WORD PLAY AND HONESTY. Rap is beautiful because you can say "She can f*** all night" and it's talking about love. In a new way. A beautiful way. 

RAP IS OUR ANCESTORS TURNING THEIR TURMOIL INTO MUSIC! Well, not MY ancestors. My ancestors were German and English and actually were probably pretty mean to the poor folks in Germany and England back in the day. They probably caused more turmoil than turned it.... but a lot of enslaved people sang the blues and told rhythmic tales over drum beats to keep the mood light when things were rough. That turned into rap. And my ancestors turned into bird food when they were executed for trying to assassinate other members of the royal family. 

Try listening to 2Pac or Sisqo. You'll soon understand why RAP is such an amazing art form. 

BEAT BEAT BEAT BEAT,
Sarah


Sarah,
Kevin Sorbo here.  You might remember me in the title roll in Hercules: The Legendary Journey and Kull the Conquerer.  I recently read an article on One Year in Texas (great site BTW) that mentioned me several times, which was very flattering.  I was wondering why your article hasn’t mentioned me yet.  I skimmed your posts to see if my name was mentioned and it wasn’t.  Do you dislike me?  Your friends seem to enjoy my body of work, why don’t you?
-Kevin Sorbo

Dear Kevin Sorbo,

I had to Google you. My impressions of your "official" "website" were (in order):

Cool movie reel graphic up top! He's obviously been in the pictures. 
He's an actor. 
He wrote a book called True Strength. On the cover his hair and shirt are quite youthful. 
The 'What's New' and 'Latest News' links on the side bar are redundant. 
Where are the photos? I keep clicking 'Photos' and it takes me to more links to click for photos. 
Personal photos of your Hawaii vacation? Now I feel creepy. 
'Andromeda'? Oh, cool. An entire page devoted to a character you played. What a nice 6-line poem you wrote about that character. I like that you rhymed 'eyes' with 'goodbyes'. 
Click 'Hercules'... Whoa. Was he actually Hercules or did he just play him on TV? (Does he actually know the answer to this??)
Acting must be hard. I bet people really lose themselves in their characters a lot.
Click 'TV/Film' credits. Question marks make you look dumb, dude. 
Click 'Fan Clubs' and... it says you don't have any fan clubs. Just delete that page, dude. You don't need to advertise that.  
How often do you send emails out to your mailing list?

I'm glad you like One Year In Texas. I'm really sorry I'm just getting to know you. Maybe it's because I'm so much younger than my friends. Who knows? Hercules might. 

Awkwardly, 
Sarah


Sarah, my wizardress,

I am a wizard.  I can cast spells on anyone.  Is it wrong to cast sleep spells on my child when she doesn’t want to go to sleep?  Is it okay to cast a charm spell on a new client at work or should I try to win her over using my own skills?  The ethics of wizardry is very undeveloped so I have come to you.

Also, how can I log into my yahoo email?  Thanks,

- Wizard Wes

Dear Wizard Wes,

It's cool that your profession and your name allow you alliteration - you will have great success in life because people find those names catchy (Marilyn Monroe, Ronald Reagan, Bob Barker). Congrats with some jealousy. 

As far as the wizard ethics go, it's hard for me to say since I only recently read Harry Potter and am still letting the seventh book sink in. It was very troubling and a lot happened in that last chapter that I skimmed because I just really wanted to find out if Voldemort killed Harry. My instincts say don't use your skills for anything bad, but my other self says, What is bad? What is good? We can never know. All I know is that a screaming child is the worst thing in the world and if a sleep spell is what it takes to not miss Conan's opening monologue, then a sleep spell it is. 

You mention charm spells. I will assume these are different than sleep spells. With a name like Wizard Wes and your knack for alliteration, I would say try to charm the client at work on your own. Be charming instead of charm spelling. Just, don't mention you don't know how to work your Yahoo mail. Just put your phone number on your business card and write, "Texts ONLY Please". They'll get it. 

Ethics Methics,
Sarah 

PS- Did you see I wrote METHics??




Sincerely Sarah (3-7-2012)

By: Sarah


Hey Sarah,



I’m having the hardest time solving this rubix cube... Any tips?  If it helps at all, it isnt a normal rubix cube with different colors, but instead it has 6 different pictures of kitty’s on it!  The box looks adorable!  I just want to see them on the actual cube!  HELP!!

- Baffled By Cute Kitten Rubix Cube Eric

Dear Baffled Eric,

This sounds so cute!!!!! I really would love you to send me a picture of the completed cube. Kitties are so adorable and I love how nature makes them incredibly cute so that predators won't eat them!!! It totally works! I almost ate one once but then didn't because it was so cute!!!!! 

Here's what you do: Get the corners to match first. Keep one side as your focus, and don't lose focus. Rotate the rubix cube on it's axis until a subsequent cube hits the matching corners. Twist. Twist right. Left twist twice. Twist up and down until two cubes look like they may belong together. Do you see a kitty eye? Twist. Twist left then right. You should have three sides completed now. Find the whiskers. Repeat the steps backwards until the last three sides are completed. Voila! 

I need you to solve this wacky rubix cube almost as much as you do. If my advice is too advanced for you (you do sound like a novice, no offense) try joining an online support group for solving rubix cubes. Visit online forums and discussions about rubix cubes. The people that leave comments and rebuttals in these online forums are some of the smartest people out there. 

You could also take apart the cube and complete it like a puzzle on your dining room table. Then you put it back together with all the sides perfect. People will be so impressed and you'll be happy to have six kitties staring at you! You do have to be a good liar because everyone will ask how you did it. Make up a very, very boring story so they'll regret they asked almost immediately and stop listening.

Meow meow,
Sarah


I am a 19-year-old student taking courses at a community college. One of my classes is taught by a great professor who also works at a state college teaching other teachers.
After an evening class with him one night, I returned to the classroom because I forgot something and ended up walking with him back to the parking lot. While putting stuff into my car I saw him get into another student's car. I waited a while without them realizing I was there and ended up seeing my professor and this student smoking weed and fooling around.
I feel angry and betrayed knowing he would put his career in danger. They are both consenting adults, but I don't know whether I should report it or not. What do you think?
- BETRAYED STUDENT ON THE WEST COAST

Dear Betrayed Student on the West Coast,

I'm going to assume you're in California because of the weed reference. I heard the weather out there is always 70 and sunny, with clear blue skies and beautiful people everywhere. That sure sounds nice. Where I live, it is cold and raining. My landlord's uniform is a pair of cut-offs and he is missing three teeth.  I bring this up because you should know how good you have it before you get angry that people were doin' it in a car.

I'm sorry. That may have been harsh -- it's not your fault. I've bee hearing a lot about how sinful sex is from Fox News and Rush Limbaugh lately. Don't they know how fun it is? Did they even see "Friends With Benefits"?

Anyways, your situation calls for some serious deductive reasoning. First of all, they're smoking weed. How? One of them probably has a medical marijuana identification card because they are suffering or dying from an illness and weed makes it better. What else is good medicine? Sex. You better believe it! It burns calories, relieves stress, boosts your immune system, and releases endorphins that make you happy (which is probably why Fox News and Rush Limbaugh are so angry at everyone else). Bottom line is either your professor or his partner are dying and were resourcefully turning the car into a doctor's office. I advise you not to report it. I also advise you to join in next time as you seem like you could relax a little. 

Don't RUSH into anything, 
Sarah




I am 43 years old with a wife and small, VERY small child (born 8 months premature).  I am interested in pursuing a career in theatre but I do not think I would be able to support my family if I do so.  Is it better for me to simply leave them and go off on my own or should I stick around, burn up all of our savings until we’re evicted from our house and forced to scavenge for food in the streets like beasts?  or is there a third option I haven’t considered?

- ASPIRING ANGEL


Dear Aspiring Angel,

Definitely leave. Honestly, theatre is a wonderful, rewarding and eventually lucrative profession. The only drawback is that it does take a while to be able to support yourself on community theatre productions and commercials for Snuggies. The key word there is YOURSELF. You won't be able to support your hot wife and shriveled baby doing theatre until you get cast in a James Cameron film - which WILL HAPPEN if you NEVER GIVE UP. That was advice I got from a college professor when he was high at a party once. 

Don't take your family down with you. Tell your hot wife to wait for you while you pursue your dreams - she'll understand because she married you and from what I understand about marriage, that automatically means she supports any and every thing you do. Once you land that James Cameron film, she'll take you back. Also, how good-looking are you? I once heard that you can only be successful in Hollywood if people want to sleep with you. Do people want to sleep with you? 

I hope this helps. I also hope that you signed the letter "Aspiring Angel" because you specialize in monologues and roles for angels. That stuff is HUGE in theatre and Hollywood. "Angels in the Outfield" is a good example. Do as much angel material at auditions as possible. 

Never stop aspiring. Or mixing up the words "streets" and "food". It's quirky and fun. 

When the Angels win the pennant, 
Sarah




Sincerely Sarah (2-29-12)

By Sarah

Hi Sarah,

Several weeks ago my organization lost my paycheck.  I was frantic, needing more money for baby formula and my meth addiction!  Thankfully the HR person was able to cut me a new check on the spot and my children that weekend got strung out of their minds.  

Fast forward to this week when our organization’s accountant gave me that old, missing check from December along with my current one.  By the time I realized it, he had left and I had lost my ability to speak (like in the Keanu Reeves interrogation scene in The Matrix).  Should I give the check back?  Cash it and give it to charity?  Bury it in a time capulse?  Help!

Sincerely,
Frank Lee Frantic

Dear Frank Lee Frantic:

I saw the Matrix one time and did not see the sequels. Did Keanu destroy any more silverware in the second or third film? If at any point you lost your ability to speak, you may want to check your belly button to see if the organization's accountant implanted a repulsive robotic worm into your body. In my experience, accountants wear too much purple eye shadow and gossip a lot. I wouldn't be surprised if he or she "lost" your check just to make you sweat (literally - don't addicts sweat if they don't get their meth fix? Please let me know as I'm very curious about meth). 

Here is my advice regarding the missing check that has now landed in your paws: If you even have to ask me what to do with it, I know that you are A) not an honest person because you would've already given it back; B) not an evil person because you would've already deposited it; and C) not a good person because you would've already given it to someone much less needy and addicted to meth than yourself. My experience working with people and watching sci-fi films tells me that something is amiss and you should open a brand new bank account. The check in question shall be your first deposit. This will be the start of a new identity that you can - and will - need once your accountant and HR person turn on you and frame you for a conspiracy against all mankind. Begin building this new identity so you'll be ready to become a different person when they come for you. Invest in several wigs and one fake moustache. 

Best of luck and please let me know about the meth, 
Sarah

Good day Sarah,
I have a question for a friend...actually, it’s not really for a friend, rather an acquaintance.  Okay, I am not being truthful there either--it is a person I met one time and talked to for about fifteen minutes.  My question is, how do you feel about gambling?  This person I talked to for, okay okay, five minutes, told me that he had a lot of money riding on this boxing match that was on at the bar we were at.  Okay, it wasn’t a bar, it was a Buffalo Wild Wings...OKAY, it was Applebees.  Is it wrong to gamble that much money?  Okay, it wasn’t a person I met, or a  friend, or an acquaintance, it is me!  Is it fine for me to be gambling a large chunk of my earnings on boxing matches?

-Gambling Greg 

Dear Gambling Greg,

I had to read your letter three times because I couldn't figure out who was talking to whom for how long. My interest peaked at Buffalo Wild Wings because I like their boneless teriyaki tenders. Part of me wants a poster in my bedroom of their sauce spectrum. Have you ever tried their spiciest sauce? My cousin told me you can get first degree burns from it. 

Greg - hope I'm pronouncing that right - you seem like an impulsive guy. I advise you to keep gambling. The world needs impulsive people like you to help amateur boxers achieve their dreams. If and when you run out of your own earnings, you can begin participating in the boxing matches. You'll become a hot commodity because people love to see someone who has hit rock bottom fight their way to the top and win a championship. To break it down: gamble everything, hit bottom, fight back up, die untimely death, be worth more dead than when you were alive because your story will be sold to Pixar and turned into "Uppercut!" which will win the Oscar for Best Animated Feature. 

Congrats and please mention my name in your posthumous acceptance speech,
Sarah
 
Hello,
I have a real problem.  I have HIV.  The other day when I got my test results back I realized that I had probably contracted it from my grandma.  No, we didn’t have sex - gross!  We just shared a hypodermic needle once when we were both doing heroin.  My grandma still does heroin a lot with the old people in her neighborhood.  Should I go tell them so they don’t get AIDS?

HIV Perry

Dear HIV Perry,

Please stop being so selfish. This isn't about you. This is about a bunch of old people living out their final days in happiness and ecstasy. Obviously they are doing heroin because it makes them feel good. You know what doesn't feel good? Not being young. Not having all your teeth. Not seeing your grandkids because they are afraid of you giving them HIV. I got news for ya: Grandma probably gave you HIV on purpose so you'd hang out with her more! Which tells me SOMEONE has been selfishly ignoring Grandma. That's you, Perry.  

Look. If you tell everyone in the neighborhood that AIDS is flowing around, they'll probably just laugh at you. These elderly people have seen some tough times and YOU CAN'T SCARE THEM. Stop trying to get attention by announcing an AIDS outbreak. I've tried that before and people never respond the way you want them to. It's really frustrating. 

You only have HIV, by the way. Please don't cry wolf.

Now I'm frustrated,
Sarah