By Jake and Ali
June 6, 2011, ABC announced that Katie Couric would be developing a new
talk show called “Katie.” Will Katie be able to handle the cut-throat
world of daytime talk shows or will she wither up and die like a salted
slug? In this debate we will pontificate on this subject.
I have never seen anything featuring Katie Couric, with the exception
of some real choice appearances on Jay Leno’s “The Tonight Show.” I
found her extremely charming during those appearances and cannot wait
for her to take the reigns of her own talk show on September 10, 2012.
If she was a great guest on a talk show, you would have to assume that
she would be an amazing host. We all remember when she blindsided Sarah
Palin with devastating questions such as “what newspapers do you read.”
We need a talk show host who will ask these types of hard-hitting
questions to our favorite celebrities (in my case those would be: Kevin
Sorbo, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kamala, Tilda Swinton and Papa Shango).
Wouldn’t you love to know what newspapers Kevin Sorbo reads? He
probably reads Variety, but what else is he reading? What is his
favorite novel? America needs to know and only Katie C. will ask these
types of questions that can ruin a career.
Woah, Katie Couric should not be allowed on television anymore.
Overall, it’s terrible for America’s morale. Who cares what newspapers
people read, when most articles about this woman are found in
magazines, bought by women who already have made her a household name,
and have given up on spontaneity and substance within the neighborhood
and their sex lives. Some mid to late 40 somethin 50 somethin’s watch
their celebrity peers age on television, and I wonder why not be up for a
little change, folks. You know what I mean? How about retiring like a
normal person, and let the following generation of journalism majors get
a chance at being a talking head, covering stories such as, “Where is
Katie Couric Now” or “Our Katie Couric, a Video-graphy of America’s most
Fit and Beautiful Journalist’’...oh wait, maybe that’s more fitting for
a People Magazine Special Edition insert. Either way, I firmly believe
guest talk show time slots should be reserved for Judge Judy, Murray,
and more Roseanne come-back shows.
If you want to watch reruns of “Roseanne,” then maybe you should just
pop in the second disc of your “Roseanne” season 2 DVD set. Sure, it’s a
great program, but comparing “Roseanne” to “Katie” is like comparing
“Dougie Houser M.D.” to “Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman.” At least we can
both agree that Katie Couric is the most beautiful woman in America.
She has more sex appeal than James Dean’s rotten corpse and more hustle
than Violent J of the Insane Clown Posse. Katie C. puts herself out
there and America cannot wait to see what is next for her. The second
her show debuts people will surely be calling for it to end just so they
can see what she will do next. Katie Couric is making $40 million for
this new talk show venture, and if you ask me she is getting screwed.
She should be getting $100 million and given her own network to run.
I’d love to see “Cooking with Katie,” “Katie Couric’s Night Court” and
“Katie Couric’s Wildlife Adventure and Sharkstravaganza.” These
programs would really put asses in seats, unlike modern-day programs
like “Wild Boyz” and “Punk’d.” Fuck those shows and long live queen
Katie Couric is like eating peanut butter on crackers, semi-smooth
transitions with a subtle osteoporosis crunch. I know I said she was
beautiful earlier, but i was mainly referencing her defined calves.
Considering I also think most professional sports players get paid way
too much for a game they may never partake in, the monetary gain of
Katie C’s next career move is equally asinine. I will watch a show about
K.C heading out into the wilderness in search for a rare bird, and then
suddenly falling into quicksand exclaiming, “ But I only spent 399
Million dollars this year so farrrrrr...” More likely this new show will
air in September of this year, and I will say “Well look who it is,
tanned wrinkle bag Couric counting the top ten ways to butter bread.” I
can hear you now, haters gonna hate, and to quote President Obama, “Yes
I would love to see ten ways to butter bread, because I have only been
buttering my bread but two ways and they are just not working for me.
In 2010 during the Super Bowl, Katie Couric interviewed our positive
president Barack Obama. And like “The Monster Mash” was a graveyard
smash, this interview was a ratings smash. If Couric can get top notch
guests like President Obama, Sarah Palin and Kevin Sorbo, then her
daytime talk show surely will be a ratings juggernaut and she is a steal
at $40 million. TV is big business and Katie C is large and in charge
in that medium. I would love to see a program where Katie Couric spends
her money and it would fit perfectly on her theoretical network. God
bless you, Katie Couric. You are an American treasure. That last
sentence was directed at both Katie Couric and Ali.
You are so right, Jake. If Couric can get top notch guests, like all
the guys from The Big Bang Theory, Tina Fey, the writers for Bob’s
Burgers, or even Jon Stewart, then her ratings will soar. I can see her
being very witty asking people if they have seen those skits on YouTube
called, Lettuce Sandwich Goes to the Office, or Goodnite Lettuce Sandwich, which crack her little ass up all day! BTW! Did you hear she will also be involved in the upcoming obesity documentary, The Big Picture? I
totally get it now, Katie Couric is a Hipster raging for the machine.
This excerpt from an online interview really give me hope when she
says, “I am happy to have found a place in the digital world where I can
cut through fads and trends.” She’s already making fart jokes. I
really dig this new Couric.