By Ryan
Hi everybody, this is Bub. Now, I know what you're thinking and, yes, Bosom Buddies does hold up about as well as you'd expect. I'd like to welcome you to what I hope will be a new weekly segment featuring a collection of tweets from our talented and clinically depressed friend, Ryan.
Many of you may not know that Ryan is the owner of the website www.oneyearintexas.com. He bought it to post his screenplay for the Mrs. Doubtfire sequel where in it the cross-dressing nanny spends a season as a Dallas Cowboy tailback AND cheerleader, before being assassinated by another cheerleader unsure of her own sexual identity. When Paramount axed that project he graciously let us use the web domain and has served as our Overlord ever since. I am curating this post for Ryan because despite his being a fucking tech support engineer with degrees in computer science and mathematics, he doesn't understand how to use Blogger.
Ryan's tweets are my favorite thing on the internet. They capture so perfectly the tone I personally strive for at One Year In Texas - they're hilarious, insane, thoughtful, thoughtless, and good-heartedly fatalistic. He is also so prolific at tweeting that what follows is only from approximately a 48-hour period. So go follow him @rwoodsmall today to catch all his musings on farts and existence; and enrich your meaningless flatulence-filled lives!
Flipped off a bunch of kids on I-64 pedestrian overpass with one hand while picking my nose with the other and driving 60mph with my knees.
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 2, 2012
I have fucked so many books. So, so many.
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 2, 2012
Thought I just had to fart, turns out I was pregnant- WITH POOP. What I'm saying is I shit my pants. I need some paper towels & a hair dryer
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 2, 2012
Tons of urine gurus and piss yogis at this retreat. Learning lots about whiz.
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 2, 2012
all horned up listening to my fm radio in the shitty starbucks sitting area at this asshole target store
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 2, 2012
by acknowledging the poetry and symbolism in a common act, you ruin the former; i do not care what your intent is
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 2, 2012
Be a shitty human being, say he's a Buddhist and die. Ugh. twitter.com/rwoodsmall/sta…
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 2, 2012
Hot: Air C.H.U.D. / Not: Air Bud
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 2, 2012
limited-edition blu-ray collection of every moment of your entire life in hd (dvd also available at discounted rate)
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 2, 2012
@nrr code.google.com/p/osxwinebuild… i am an insane person
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 2, 2012
@nrr trent reznor is the weird al yankovic of music
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 2, 2012
Hey "son." How's it going in the "big city?" Good here! Are all songs about fucking your food nowadays, or just most? -love, dad
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 2, 2012
i wanna fuck u like some danimals/put my gogurt on ur insides/I WANNA FAGE LIKE AN ANIMAL/my probiotics are flawed/u strain me closer to god
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 2, 2012
dead_bloated_squirrel_corpse_ebooks
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 2, 2012
ordered a nook from my kindle fire, ate the fire, broke nook in half, threw it off an overpass, burned down a barnes&noble, robbed a library
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 2, 2012
Chernobyl "disaster" was a coverup - the area was evacuated to make the world's most exclusive skatepark. New Tony Hawk game is based there.
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 2, 2012
we're walking around on a gigantic rock hurtling through space in the arm of an enormous spiral galaxy in an unimaginably large universe.
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 2, 2012
@rwoodsmall captain obvious
— Nathaniel Reindl (@nrr) June 2, 2012
@nrr we're going to die one day dude. #YOLO
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 2, 2012
we are replaced many times over in our lives: sometimes by others, sometimes by ourselves, occasionally & ultimately by nothingness. night.
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 2, 2012
i got this chest cavity thing thats not doing shit for me but holding inna bunch of useless organ meats so im replacing it with a pizza oven
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 2, 2012
I am six thousand years old. Who here has a car I can borrow and drive into a river? You? Give me your keys.
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 2, 2012
#newbing how do i search learn use computer on computer search please teach me search computer peoples is this phenomenology gosh #bingit
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 2, 2012
The Jerk Store called. They asked for you. They're having a Jerk Parade next Monday. You're not invited because you're a nice & good person.
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 1, 2012
CUST OMER #KNUCKLETATS #KNUCKLETAT #knuckletatidea #knuckletatideas #ihatelife #wearenothingbutnumbers #fuckeverything #fatalisism
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 1, 2012
#WhatKeepsMeGoing a biological imperative of self-preservation designed to ensure the continuance of the human species for some reason.
— brendle what (@brendlewhat) June 1, 2012
you're not a hero if you think you are or will ever be a hero. the only true heroism left in the world is carrying on despite giving up hope
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 1, 2012
But I will persevere. Steve Jobs was a shitty person, an he's an even shittier ghost. Fuck Stebe Jords. RIP Stem Joms.
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 1, 2012
Ghost of Steve Jobs personally removed everything in my work MacBook Air home directory for talking shit about him. I am deeply humbled.
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 1, 2012
we're all turning into the software we hate, the unusable code we loathe, unpredictable, unreadable, completely incomprehensible. goodnight.
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 1, 2012
What's the best diabetes to have?
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 1, 2012
1.) Is there an easy way to work "fingerblast" into my wedding vows? 2.) How do I meet a woman? 3.) What in the world is that smell? It's me
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 1, 2012
wwat dose it feel like to be an teen
— Anne Frank Hathaway (@SonAnneHathaway) June 1, 2012
Oh you like #spellingbee? Let me tell you something, I got a mouth full of bees that spell better than you. Eat shit dude, you ain't spells.
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 1, 2012
When cells grow out of control in a living body, it's call cancer. When markets grow unfettered, it's called a bull market. Yay capitalism.
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 1, 2012
#SorryICantDateYou but i am a large sack of moldering wet leaves and #YoBreathSmellLike the exhaust of a violent leaf blower's engine
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) May 31, 2012
someone get me out of this jinxed fart cave
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) May 31, 2012
Quick question… Why the fuck are we doing any of this? I mean everything. Come on.
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) May 31, 2012
I think my favorite from these is "I am six thousand years old. Who here has a car I can borrow and drive into a river? You? Give me your keys." There are so many funny leaps being taken in such a short space. I remember cracking up when this was first tweeted.
ReplyDeleteHI BUB THANKS FOR POSTING THIS!
ReplyDeleteOne quick thing to note: I only minored in mathematics, and only ever finished my computer science degree because doing two multi-semester capstones didn't seem like the best use of my time at 22 (video games came first, and still do - GAMER 4 LIFE!)... That math degree would've taken me a whole year and a half to finish and I regularly kick myself in the ass for not dragging college out for another couple of years.
I wish you had dragged it out for ten more years ! we would have ruled that school especially the East Asians in the math dept.
ReplyDeleteJake subscribed me to Twitter and at first I had him take Ryan off my list because he tweeted so damn much! But THEN I had him re-enstated because he's just pretty damn funny.
ReplyDeleteFunny beats the shit out of too much any day.