How Was Your Summer?

By Bub

Sure people can tell you about their summers.  That's what they do.  They tell you things.  Hell you don't even need to ask them usually.  But do you ever wonder about how inanimate objects spend their summers?  If you are schizophrenic like me, then you probably do.  But nobody has the courage to tell you the answer.  Until now.  I asked fourteen of your favorite inanimate objects the question 'How was your summer?'  And I'm here to courageously report back their replies:

“Finally sat back, relaxed, and took some time to appreciate the simple joys in life” – Birdhouse by the garden

“It was sooo fucking hot!  I must’ve expanded a solid inch.” – Concrete Sidewalk Slab

“Music, parties, excitement, everything… you name it.  The only thing missing was her…” – Cars 2 Themed Paper Plate

“Put it to you like this - fools aint talkin’ so much shit.” – Handgun

“A lot of lonely nights staring up at the stars; a lot of soul-searching.” – Park Bench

“Was a monkey dancing to the accordion of an endless parade of obese idiots and heathen children.  It was fucking fantastic.” – Ice Cream Scoop

“We didn’t move as many foam jai alai sets as I thought we might’ve” – Scanner at Dollar General Store

“You’d think you’d get tired of disposing human waste.  But I gotta tell you, I didn’t and I don’t! – Toilet

“Hurry up and wait.  Hurry up and wait.  Reminded me of my days back in basic [training].” – Wind Turbine

“Pulling yourself up by the bootstraps isn’t just a slogan; it’s a way of life.  We’re in the bootstrap business here, and this summer we sold a hell of a lot a bootstraps.” – Stapler mixing metaphors at Republican Congressional Campaign Office

“Some days it’s all you can do just to keep rolling on by.” – Sad Cloud

“Thinking about you, LeRoy.”  Gay Dress Shirt admitting his homosexuality

“Julian Assange is a fucking hero.  You Judases in the mainstream media are behind his crucifixion.  Stop crucifying Assange, Judases!!!” – Disgruntled Sofa

“As someone great once said ‘I seen a million faces, and I rocked them all’.   I’ll tell you one thing – Memphis will never be the same!” – Tires on CostCo delivery truck


  1. My convection oven just called. LOVED the article.

  2. I relate to that Cars 2 Themed Paper Plate more now than I ever have.

  3. Great story, read it twice to get the full meaning!


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