Debate: Holistic Medicine

By Jake and Glenn

Every day people get sick and not just in the mental way our society produces killers and rapists at a higher rate than we can vote them into the presidency.  For those who get physically sick from our poisoned air or unsanitary bathhouses, they must make a choice about what treatment will best improve their lives.  Many prefer to go to a hospital or doctor’s office, but an increasing number look to alternative treatments sometimes referred to as “holistic medicine.”  Is this another lie like the Holocaust or the a creative way to deal with a very real problem, like the Holocaust?  Jake and Glenn, two survivors, debate.

Jake: Why would one take a pill made out of chemicals to cure what ails them when they could swallow a gel capsule filled with herbs?  Herbs are not only used to enhance the flavor of mediocre foods like mashed parsnips, they are also used to cure depression (St. John’s Wart), relieve you of sleeplessness (Valerian root) and jet lag (melatonin).  These herbs have no side effects, unlike the prescription drugs you are using that make you impotent and lethargic.  I never take/eat anything that isn’t grown from the ground.  That is just the way we do thing at Rainbow gatherings, and that’s the way I live my life.  My West African drum teacher is the same way.


Glenn:  Your West African drum teacher has HIV.  Before the PC police taze me let me clarify - it isn’t because he’s from Africa.  It’s because he had a lot of unprotected intercourse with men in the 80s.  He didn’t believe the CDC when they advised caution just like people who are into holistic/alternative medicine now don’t listen when science tells us vaccines cause autism and gangrene.  Modern medicine has cured any disease that greatly affects the white, Western world.  Why would you spit on this, slap its beautiful face and then screw its girlfriend in the bathroom at someone’s New Year’s Eve party by foregoing medicine and embracing herbs and crystals?  Viagra, for just one example, is a miracle drug.  It helps me get an erection I can use in gay bathhouses.  The only crystal that has ever given me a boner is Crystal Bernard who played Helen on Wings.

Jake: Crystal Bernard has given me many things--including a deep love for country music--but she has never given me a boner.  When I need to have a boner, like if a “Wings” marathon is playing on the USA Network, I take some ginseng and gingko biloba.  When I want to laugh, like if a “Wings” marathon is on, I smoke a little marijuana and laugh at Thomas Hayden Church’s idiot mechanic character until tears stream down my face.  The healing powers of crystals has been well documented in books like “Crystal Power, Crystal Healing: The Complete Handbook” by Michael Giegner and “The Crystal Bible” by Judy Hall.  These are the only two books I have ever read that are not biographies by professional wrestlers.  Speaking of which, it is well known that Junkyard Dog died in a car crash because he left his crystals in his hotel room.


Glenn:  Anytime I walk into a store that offers “natural” remedies I want to scream - and not because of the terrible, terrible pubic lice I have.  All of the medicine in those stores is bullshit!  While I will concede that the marijuana plant can help cure glaucoma and give people really interesting ideas about the afterlife, most plants will just give you poison ivy or pubic lice if you rub them on your bikini area. When people get cancer the first thing they do after renouncing god is go through chemotherapy treatments.  That’s because they know that’s the only real treatment that exists.  It’s only when chemotherapy can’t completely eradicate the cancer cell that they turn to acupuncture, crystals and faith healing.  They are the last refuge of the terminally ill scoundrel.  

Jake: Andy Kaufman famously believed that he got a case of cancer from eating too much chocolate.  He cured his cancer by using meditation and crystals.  This is the man who sang that one line of “Mighty Mouse” on the first episode “Saturday Night.”  You cannot argue with results, just like you cannot argue with a mirror.  I should know, because I have tried.  Why wouldn’t one want to try herbal remedies before poisoning their systems with prescription sewage?  I say, go to your medicine cabinet and throw out all of the medicine your quack “doctor” has prescribed to you and replace it with powdered spinach and other wonderful cure-alls that the government refuses to allow the FDA to sanction.  The only medicine I take is Old Crow Medicine Show and I take it to the beach with me.


Glenn:  Andy Kaufman’s cancer was cured?  He lives among us?  Hogwash!  He is dead and Daniel Tosh has taken up his mantle of bizarre, subversive comedy.  In between his brilliant rape jokes and funny commentary on crotch shot YouTube videos, Tosh is a strong advocate for modern medicine and has condemned the American Holistic Medical Association on his very popular (among women aged 25-49) TV show.  I’m not here to say modern, traditional medicine is perfect - anyone who has gone in for routine gizard removal surgery and ended up with new genitals can vouch for this - but it’s at least based on science.  Alternative medicine is a scam, based on historical or cultural traditions like female genital mutilation.  I just GOT this clitoris - please don’t cut it off!