Debate: Holistic Medicine

By Jake and Glenn

Every day people get sick and not just in the mental way our society produces killers and rapists at a higher rate than we can vote them into the presidency.  For those who get physically sick from our poisoned air or unsanitary bathhouses, they must make a choice about what treatment will best improve their lives.  Many prefer to go to a hospital or doctor’s office, but an increasing number look to alternative treatments sometimes referred to as “holistic medicine.”  Is this another lie like the Holocaust or the a creative way to deal with a very real problem, like the Holocaust?  Jake and Glenn, two survivors, debate.

Jake: Why would one take a pill made out of chemicals to cure what ails them when they could swallow a gel capsule filled with herbs?  Herbs are not only used to enhance the flavor of mediocre foods like mashed parsnips, they are also used to cure depression (St. John’s Wart), relieve you of sleeplessness (Valerian root) and jet lag (melatonin).  These herbs have no side effects, unlike the prescription drugs you are using that make you impotent and lethargic.  I never take/eat anything that isn’t grown from the ground.  That is just the way we do thing at Rainbow gatherings, and that’s the way I live my life.  My West African drum teacher is the same way.


Glenn:  Your West African drum teacher has HIV.  Before the PC police taze me let me clarify - it isn’t because he’s from Africa.  It’s because he had a lot of unprotected intercourse with men in the 80s.  He didn’t believe the CDC when they advised caution just like people who are into holistic/alternative medicine now don’t listen when science tells us vaccines cause autism and gangrene.  Modern medicine has cured any disease that greatly affects the white, Western world.  Why would you spit on this, slap its beautiful face and then screw its girlfriend in the bathroom at someone’s New Year’s Eve party by foregoing medicine and embracing herbs and crystals?  Viagra, for just one example, is a miracle drug.  It helps me get an erection I can use in gay bathhouses.  The only crystal that has ever given me a boner is Crystal Bernard who played Helen on Wings.

Jake: Crystal Bernard has given me many things--including a deep love for country music--but she has never given me a boner.  When I need to have a boner, like if a “Wings” marathon is playing on the USA Network, I take some ginseng and gingko biloba.  When I want to laugh, like if a “Wings” marathon is on, I smoke a little marijuana and laugh at Thomas Hayden Church’s idiot mechanic character until tears stream down my face.  The healing powers of crystals has been well documented in books like “Crystal Power, Crystal Healing: The Complete Handbook” by Michael Giegner and “The Crystal Bible” by Judy Hall.  These are the only two books I have ever read that are not biographies by professional wrestlers.  Speaking of which, it is well known that Junkyard Dog died in a car crash because he left his crystals in his hotel room.


Glenn:  Anytime I walk into a store that offers “natural” remedies I want to scream - and not because of the terrible, terrible pubic lice I have.  All of the medicine in those stores is bullshit!  While I will concede that the marijuana plant can help cure glaucoma and give people really interesting ideas about the afterlife, most plants will just give you poison ivy or pubic lice if you rub them on your bikini area. When people get cancer the first thing they do after renouncing god is go through chemotherapy treatments.  That’s because they know that’s the only real treatment that exists.  It’s only when chemotherapy can’t completely eradicate the cancer cell that they turn to acupuncture, crystals and faith healing.  They are the last refuge of the terminally ill scoundrel.  

Jake: Andy Kaufman famously believed that he got a case of cancer from eating too much chocolate.  He cured his cancer by using meditation and crystals.  This is the man who sang that one line of “Mighty Mouse” on the first episode “Saturday Night.”  You cannot argue with results, just like you cannot argue with a mirror.  I should know, because I have tried.  Why wouldn’t one want to try herbal remedies before poisoning their systems with prescription sewage?  I say, go to your medicine cabinet and throw out all of the medicine your quack “doctor” has prescribed to you and replace it with powdered spinach and other wonderful cure-alls that the government refuses to allow the FDA to sanction.  The only medicine I take is Old Crow Medicine Show and I take it to the beach with me.


Glenn:  Andy Kaufman’s cancer was cured?  He lives among us?  Hogwash!  He is dead and Daniel Tosh has taken up his mantle of bizarre, subversive comedy.  In between his brilliant rape jokes and funny commentary on crotch shot YouTube videos, Tosh is a strong advocate for modern medicine and has condemned the American Holistic Medical Association on his very popular (among women aged 25-49) TV show.  I’m not here to say modern, traditional medicine is perfect - anyone who has gone in for routine gizard removal surgery and ended up with new genitals can vouch for this - but it’s at least based on science.  Alternative medicine is a scam, based on historical or cultural traditions like female genital mutilation.  I just GOT this clitoris - please don’t cut it off! 

16 comments:

  1. Lol @ 'the last refuge of the terminally ill scoundrel' & the fate of Junkyard Dog! GREAT8 debate!!!

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    Replies
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  8. TESTIMONY ON HOW I GOT CURED TOTALLY FROM HERPES VIRUS BY DR ISHIAKU HERBSI want to inform the public how i was cured of herpes  Virus by a Doctor called Dr ishiaku. I visited different hospitals but they gave me a list of drugs like Famvir, Zovirax, and Valtrex which are very expensive to treat the symptoms and never cured me. I was browsing through the Internet searching for remedies on Herpes and I saw comments of people talking about how Doctor ishiaku cured them. I Was scared because i never believed in the Internet but i was convinced to give him a try because i was having no hope of being cured of herpes so i decided to contact him on his email, i searched his email on net and i saw a lot of people testifying about his goodness. When I contacted him he gave me hope and sent a Herbal medicine to me that I took and it seriously worked for me, am a free person now without problem, my HERPES result came out negative. You can contact him on his email: ishiakuherbalcure@gmail.com   ishiakuherbalcure@yahoo.com or whats-app him via +2348180828544 and get all your problems solved.
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    Beware of fake doctors and anyone who uses this testimonial again is a scam Only Dr. Ishiaku  can help you

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  9. DR OYAGU herbal medicine is a good remedy for herpes simplex virus cure. My name is MIGNON WRIGHT , am from USA,I am here to give my testimony about DR OYAGU who helped me in my life, i want to inform the public how i was cured from (HERPES SIMPLEX VIRUS) by DR OYAGU, i visited different hospital but they gave me list of drugs like Familiar, Zovirax, and Valtrex which is very expensive to treat the symptoms and never cured me. I was browsing through the Internet searching for remedy on HERPES and i saw comment of people talking about how DR OYAGU cured them, when i contacted him he gave me hope and send a Herbal medicine to me that i took and it seriously worked for me, am a free person now without any problem, my HERPES result came out negative, I pray to God to never let me and my family forget you in our life, am now cured permanently, you can also get your self cured my friends if you really need this doctor help, you can reach him on his website ;https://oyaguspellcaster.wixsite.com/oyaguherbalhome Email: oyaguherbalhome@gmail.com or via whatsapp +2348101755322

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  10. Herpes has been one of the most significant virus in the US now, and its spreading really fast, and the government are only producing medical drugs that can suppress it but rather keep on eliminating the African herbal doctors who were able to discover a way to completely cure the virus...I'm delighted to be finally cured of herpes 2 after i applied doctor Oyagu herbal medicine for two weeks ,,, I can tell you, I went back a month later to confirm my status and i was still negative.. If i could get cured, why do you think You can't?, you believe in the lying government and medical scientists and keep spending money on buying their stupid pills.. I'm glad I am finally cured from it forever...apply oyaguherbalhlm@gmail.com herbal formula. Visit Herbalist Oyagu Natural Herbal Medicine Website :   https://oyaguspellcaster.wixsite.com/oyaguherbalhome or contact him via WhatsApp +2348101755322 good luck as you reach him

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