It's been about two years since I last stood behind the high powered rifle of the weekly entertainment column. Like any mentally unstable person who is free to buy guns in the United States, I will now proceed to take aim at many popular figures and institutions of the entertainment industry. Please sit back, enjoy and be sure not to lobby Congress for sensible gun laws.
Tabloid TrashROSIE ON HER HEART ATTACK: I ALMOST DIED - AND THAT'S A FACT
Rosie O'Donnell, former host of a hit talk show where she pretend to be heterosexually attracted to pretend heterosexual Tom Cruise, had a heart attack and claims her almost dying is a "fact." Rosie, I have five boys - I'm used to people trying to tell me something's true when it isn't. You had a heart attack but you were never close to dying because while the good die young, evil is immortal. I've been practicing that zinger for months.
DARRYL HANNAH ARRESTED PROTESTING KEYSTONE XL PIPELINE IN TEXAS
I actually got arrested the same day as Darryl Hannah last year, protesting the Keystone XL Pipeline in front of the rebuilt White House. She was arrested again this week, and kudos to her for putting her dwindling celebrity status to good use instead of the usual self-debasement on terrible contest show. She should be celebrated for this and for her starring role in the remake of Splash due out in 2013. I can't find a picture of her the day but I found this one online - that is definitely the same motherfucker who put a zip tie on my beautiful thin wrists.
WHERE ARE THEY NOW? SBTB'S LARK VOORHIES
People magazine did a photo shoot recently featuring five of the seven original SBTB cast members (Dustin Diamond choose not to participate and Dennis Haskins had a list of several marriage proposal calls to make that afternoon). They did a "where are they now?" piece and Lark Voorhies's creator/mother said that Lark has bipolar disorder. Lark denied it but later admitted it was true. Then denied it again later.
BooksNEW BOOK: 'IN SUNLIGHT AND IN SHADOW' BY MARK HELPRIN
Mark Halperin, famous political hack and "journalist" currently employed by Time Magazine, has a new book. Hopefully it is as insider and superficial as his last novel "Gamechange."
#2 ON THE BEST SELLER LIST: WAGING PEACE BY NEIL YOUNG
Everyone's favorite Manitoban has written a book about having a son with developmental disabilities and what it was like to predict Barack Obama's ascendancy in 2005. Young said he wrote the book because he needs more money, which also explains why he wanted regular, hard working, white Americans to pay $18.99 for a CD full of old timey songs earlier this year.
MoviesTAKEN 2 - As someone said, the novelty of seeing Liam Neeson in action movies has worn off. In this sequel, more things are taken from him.
PITCH PERFECT - Cute as a button Anna Kendrick stars in what looks to be an atrocious movie about singing with not a single full frontal shot of nudity. For what it's worth (not much), she is actually pretty funny on Twitter compared to what I thought she'd be like. You can follow her here.
THE HOUSE I LIVE IN - from awesome director Eugene Jarecki, who also did the fantastic but maybe a bit long Why We Fight, comes a new film about the drug war. Jarecki tackles the issue by telling the stories of everyone from prison guards to recreational users. By the end if you will agree that we need to escalate the drug war even if it comes at the cost of destroying our own society.
Matthew Perry Watch
While I like Matthew Perry, I do not think he is the "greatest actor and greatest human being of all time" to quote OYIT's Jake. I watched the pilot of his new goon show and didn't like it, though subsequent episodes have been better. It is better than the awful Mr. Sunshine that fortunately died an early death like Monica and Chandler's stillborn child on Friends.
This week MP revealed he was an Oakland Athletics fans on Twitter:
Thank you for reading and I may or may not be back next week.