Debate: Holistic Medicine

By Jake and Glenn

Every day people get sick and not just in the mental way our society produces killers and rapists at a higher rate than we can vote them into the presidency.  For those who get physically sick from our poisoned air or unsanitary bathhouses, they must make a choice about what treatment will best improve their lives.  Many prefer to go to a hospital or doctor’s office, but an increasing number look to alternative treatments sometimes referred to as “holistic medicine.”  Is this another lie like the Holocaust or the a creative way to deal with a very real problem, like the Holocaust?  Jake and Glenn, two survivors, debate.

Jake: Why would one take a pill made out of chemicals to cure what ails them when they could swallow a gel capsule filled with herbs?  Herbs are not only used to enhance the flavor of mediocre foods like mashed parsnips, they are also used to cure depression (St. John’s Wart), relieve you of sleeplessness (Valerian root) and jet lag (melatonin).  These herbs have no side effects, unlike the prescription drugs you are using that make you impotent and lethargic.  I never take/eat anything that isn’t grown from the ground.  That is just the way we do thing at Rainbow gatherings, and that’s the way I live my life.  My West African drum teacher is the same way.


Glenn:  Your West African drum teacher has HIV.  Before the PC police taze me let me clarify - it isn’t because he’s from Africa.  It’s because he had a lot of unprotected intercourse with men in the 80s.  He didn’t believe the CDC when they advised caution just like people who are into holistic/alternative medicine now don’t listen when science tells us vaccines cause autism and gangrene.  Modern medicine has cured any disease that greatly affects the white, Western world.  Why would you spit on this, slap its beautiful face and then screw its girlfriend in the bathroom at someone’s New Year’s Eve party by foregoing medicine and embracing herbs and crystals?  Viagra, for just one example, is a miracle drug.  It helps me get an erection I can use in gay bathhouses.  The only crystal that has ever given me a boner is Crystal Bernard who played Helen on Wings.

Jake: Crystal Bernard has given me many things--including a deep love for country music--but she has never given me a boner.  When I need to have a boner, like if a “Wings” marathon is playing on the USA Network, I take some ginseng and gingko biloba.  When I want to laugh, like if a “Wings” marathon is on, I smoke a little marijuana and laugh at Thomas Hayden Church’s idiot mechanic character until tears stream down my face.  The healing powers of crystals has been well documented in books like “Crystal Power, Crystal Healing: The Complete Handbook” by Michael Giegner and “The Crystal Bible” by Judy Hall.  These are the only two books I have ever read that are not biographies by professional wrestlers.  Speaking of which, it is well known that Junkyard Dog died in a car crash because he left his crystals in his hotel room.


Glenn:  Anytime I walk into a store that offers “natural” remedies I want to scream - and not because of the terrible, terrible pubic lice I have.  All of the medicine in those stores is bullshit!  While I will concede that the marijuana plant can help cure glaucoma and give people really interesting ideas about the afterlife, most plants will just give you poison ivy or pubic lice if you rub them on your bikini area. When people get cancer the first thing they do after renouncing god is go through chemotherapy treatments.  That’s because they know that’s the only real treatment that exists.  It’s only when chemotherapy can’t completely eradicate the cancer cell that they turn to acupuncture, crystals and faith healing.  They are the last refuge of the terminally ill scoundrel.  

Jake: Andy Kaufman famously believed that he got a case of cancer from eating too much chocolate.  He cured his cancer by using meditation and crystals.  This is the man who sang that one line of “Mighty Mouse” on the first episode “Saturday Night.”  You cannot argue with results, just like you cannot argue with a mirror.  I should know, because I have tried.  Why wouldn’t one want to try herbal remedies before poisoning their systems with prescription sewage?  I say, go to your medicine cabinet and throw out all of the medicine your quack “doctor” has prescribed to you and replace it with powdered spinach and other wonderful cure-alls that the government refuses to allow the FDA to sanction.  The only medicine I take is Old Crow Medicine Show and I take it to the beach with me.


Glenn:  Andy Kaufman’s cancer was cured?  He lives among us?  Hogwash!  He is dead and Daniel Tosh has taken up his mantle of bizarre, subversive comedy.  In between his brilliant rape jokes and funny commentary on crotch shot YouTube videos, Tosh is a strong advocate for modern medicine and has condemned the American Holistic Medical Association on his very popular (among women aged 25-49) TV show.  I’m not here to say modern, traditional medicine is perfect - anyone who has gone in for routine gizard removal surgery and ended up with new genitals can vouch for this - but it’s at least based on science.  Alternative medicine is a scam, based on historical or cultural traditions like female genital mutilation.  I just GOT this clitoris - please don’t cut it off! 

6 comments:

  1. Lol @ 'the last refuge of the terminally ill scoundrel' & the fate of Junkyard Dog! GREAT8 debate!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello viewers I am glad to have met with the powerful herbal healer called
      Dr voodoo who use his herbs to cure my HIV disease I suffered from 15years,
      but now I am a happy woman and i am free from this sickness that has been
      problem to my living, after using Dr voodoo herbal medicine within 1week i
      was diagnose negative, I will recommend Dr voodoo to everyone reading this
      article because this herbal healer is capable to heal anything, the
      scientist said has no cure, Email him : voodoospelltemple66@gmail.com or add Dr voodoo on whatsApp: +2348140120719

      Delete
  2. I Never believed i was ever going to be HERPES Negative again,Dr USIFOH has given me reasons to be happy by curing my HERPES with HERBAL MEDICINE. i was HERPES positive for 2years and all the means i tried for treatment was not helpful to me, but when i came on the Internet i saw great testimony about Dr USIFOH on how he was able to cure someone from HERPES this person said great things about this man, and advice we contact him for any Disease problem that Dr USIFOH can be of help, well i decided to give him a try, he requested for my information which i sent to him, and he told me he was going to prepare for me the HERBAL MEDICINE, which he wanted me to take for Two weeks, and after which i should go back to the hospital for check up, well after taking all the treatment sent to me by Dr USIFOH, i went back to the Hospital for check up, and now i have been confirmed HERPES Negative, I waited for three months and then went back to my greatest surprised it was still negative. Up still now I still can't believe that am HERPES negative. You that is out there looking for help or cure you can reach this Dr via Whatsap on +2348136788465. Or email him drusifohherbalhome@gmail. com I bet you, you will testify after two weeks.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I have been suffering from (HERPES) disease for the last four years and had constant pain, especially in my knees. During the first year, I had faith in God that I would be healed someday.This disease started to circulate all over my body and I have been taking treatment from my doctor, a few weeks ago I came on search on the internet if I could get any information concerning the prevention of this disease, on my search I saw a testimony of someone who has been healed from (Hepatitis B and Cancer) by this Man Dr. Silver and she also gave the email address of this man and advise we should contact him for any sickness that he would be of help, so I wrote to Dr. Silver telling him about my (HERPES Virus) he told me not to worry that I was going to be cured!! hmm i never believed it,, well after all the procedures and remedy given to me by this man few weeks later I started experiencing changes all over me as the Dr. assured me that I have cured, after some time i went to my doctor to confirmed if I have been finally healed behold it was TRUE, So friends my advice is if you have such sickness or any other at all you can email Dr. Silver (drsilverhealingtemple@gmail.com) sir I am indeed grateful for the help I will forever recommend you to my friends!!! with your lovely Email Address ( drsilverhealingtemple@gmail.com or whatsapp him on +2348123877102

    ReplyDelete
  4. Battling with any health related issues or infection is not the end of your life, why not contact a herbal practitioner for cure Dr Ogedegbe has herbal remedies and permanent solution for all your health related problems.I recommend him to you today only because i have also used his herbal medicine and it worked perfectly on my health problem, you can actually save yourself from giving your hard earned money to Scammers if only you can contact Dr Ogedegbe today for genuine and Permanent cure herbal products . Pls help share this post to save yourself and your love ones.Dr Ogedegbe is specialize in these areas,Permanent herbal supplements for anxiety and depression,HIV/AIDS, DIABETES, HERPES, PENIS ENLARGEMENT, CANCER, HPV, ALS.  .. etc. Email: dr.ogedegbe6@gmail.com also call or whatsApp him on +2348109374702...........

    ReplyDelete
  5. Herpes is a sexually transmitted virus that primarily infects the mouth and the genitals. It is transmitted by bodily fluids – penetration isn’t required for transmission, oral-oral or oral-genital contact will suffice.I WAS ONCE HERPES SIMPLEX VIRUS patient, I have HSV-I genitally and I’m one of the rare cases where I was infected by sexual contact. The person who infected me was unaware that he had it, and he tested negative on a blood test (he probably got it from his mother at birth and never had an outbreak in his life).I’m sure I have HSV-I (they did a culture of the fluid from the sores i had during my initial outbreak). So it is possible to contract HSV-I by asymptomatic asexual contact, so please people talk about this and prevent anyone else from getting it, I’m kind of going through something. Four years ago my love and I both had an OB and when I got the blood work done it came back negative. We were happy in the relationship so I learned to accept it and never really bothered to get tested again. Now, that we broke up I decided to get tested again. I came back negative for both HSV-1 and HSV-2 (got the news!) and have not had an OB since the initial one four years ago. My X on the other hand has had a few small outbreaks and never came back positive for HSV-1.Only the help of Dr omohan where able to help me out with is Root and Herbs, if you are having any type of this disease or infection like HIV,CANCER OR ANY disease kindly email doctor Afrid for cure:( dromohanherbalmedicine@gmail.com ) or Whatsapp him on +2348164816038 

    ReplyDelete