Aron Ralston listens to your stupid "horrible vacation" story.

By Bryan

In case you don't remember Aron Ralston.

“Oh, yeah, how was the trip? Horrible, really?”
Horrible, huh? I’m assuming you lost no body parts on this trip? I mean, I don’t see anything missing, but maybe you lost a toe or something along the way. Fingernail? Anything? Yeah, didn’t think so.

“Two hours on the runway, huh? Yeah, those airlines, they’re awful. Did they at least give you free drinks or something? Oh, just sodas and water? No alcohol. Wow, assholes.”
Did you have to drink your own urine? No? Because I would have been happy with a lukewarm Fanta after a few days of drinking my own piss. But yeah, no alcoholic drinks must have really sucked, you lush.

“Then they lost your bags? Of course. Always keeps getting worse, doesn’t it?”
Like when things got worse for me when after my hand had died from circulation, I then had to break the bones in it? And had to cut it off with a cheap, dull knife? Yeah, that was pretty shitty, too.

“After all of that, you didn’t make your connecting flight? Jeez, could it have been any more horrible? Did they at least put you up in a hotel for the night? Yeah? Well, it’s barely any kind of consolation, but I guess it was something.”

I would have loved a hotel, myself, after five days of expecting to die, going completely insane from dehydration, and you know, losing my arm. How do you not notice this? I’m standing here, with no hand. It’s pretty obvious. Here, exercise: in my left hand, a tasty beverage; in my right? What’s there? Oh, that’s right, nothing! Because there’s no fucking hand there! Hey, question: did you videotape your final goodbyes to your family and loved ones? No? Well, why the hell not? I did!

“Well, you made it through. Barely? Hah, yeah, guess so. So what were you headed out there for? Oh, you won guitar lessons from Eric Clapton? Wow, how was that? Yeah, I’d imagine it’d be pretty great.”
Fuck you.


  1. I bet Aron has no friends for this exact reason. He doesn't get us regular people.

  2. He lost his humanity when he lost his hand.


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