Coffee Wakes Me Up! : A short play

By Scott

Characters: Landy and Trish. They are both 29 years old. Landy is a boy, Trish is a girl.

Show opens with Landy and Trish sitting down at a small table in a Starbucks-esque cafe. They both have paper cups filled with hot coffee. Landy is wearing a scarf and Vans sneakers. Trish just took off her scarf. She is wearing Chuck Taylors, she also has thick legs.

Landy: (yawning) Oh dear God. What time is it now?

Trish: (looks at her watch) It's 7.

Landy: Human beings shouldn't be up this early, and neither should I!

Trish:(laughs) As if you aren't human. Uhhh, I'd believe that!

Landy: I'm from a different planet. One where everybody gets to sleep all the fucking day!

Trish: Uhh, I'd visit that planet!

Landy: I hate you for being so chipper at this time of day.

Trish: Oh trust me, I should be a zombie right now. Thanks to this coffee, I'm able to function.

Landy: You had a head start?

Trish: Two cups before I even met you here!

Landy: Lucky. (sips coffee) Ahhh. Sweet exlicer - be in me!

Trish: Landy, you are too much.

Landy: Coffee is the one and only reason why I'm still on the fence about whether or not God exists. Coffee and scarves.

Trish: When it opens, we should check out that new art museum that also sells vinyl records.

Landy: Me need more coff-coff first.

Trish: (laughs) Coff-Coff! Is that the language you speak on your planet?

Landy: Yes. (shares laughter with Trish) My name is Landy.

Trish: We are wearing scarves.

Landy and Trish: Coffee wakes us up!

Lights dim.


  1. Haha! Very funny play, Scott. I would go to a museum that also sold records. I would go there to burn the m-f'er down.

  2. HAHAHA!!! I had one more ha + all caps + two more exclamation marks than Jake did. That is how much I loved this. If I was in Clockwork Orange I would listen to the audio version of this while masturbating before drinking acid-laced milk and raping old women.

  3. This is really one of the best things on OYIT. Write MORE Scott!!!!