Entries From My Dream Journal

By Jake and Glenn

If there is one thing that everybody loves it's hearing about other people's dreams. I know I love it. I eagerly anticipate the next oration from one of my friends about their dreams past. With that in mind, I have decided to crack open my dream journal and share with you, the wonderful readers, a few excerpts.

I feel as if it's not that important to give specific dates, so I won't.

I'm wandering around in a desert. The gritty sand is blowing against my sweat soaked forehead, forming a slight crust. A monkey throws its feces at me. I get confused. Then the sand turns into a Cadillac and I drive to Mexico.

I'm sitting in a dark bar drinking a scotch. This is weird because I don't drink scotch. I'm smoking a cigarette. That's weird because I quit smoking two years ago. I exhale the smoke into a light that is hanging over my table. The smoke curls around the light. A man approaches me and asks me to join him outside. I oblige. He pulls his pants down and I pull mine down. We have sex. That's weird because I don't have sex with men.

I'm tying my shoes. They are Vans. You can tell this is a dream because I only buy Airwalks. I play basketball with Jason Voorhees and he dominates.

I'm a contestant on Jeopardy. I choose "Infamous Vegetables" for $100. The answer is "Terry Schiavo," but I guess "tomato." Tomato is a fucking fruit! I was really angry when I woke up.

You'll never believe this one. You and I were together but at the Statue of Liberty where we have never been together! And the weird thing was the Statue was in Missouri instead of New York City. It stood atop of the St. Louis Arch and when we were done viewing it we slid down the arch into a giant cherry pie, which I think represented your vagina and my love of Warrant.

For some reason I had a sex dream about one of my close female friends who I didn't think I was attracted to. This dream was very vivid and when I woke up I wanted to find her and have sex with her even though it would throw my social world upside down.

Joan Rivers is roasting me. She keeps saying that my tie is like Harvey Firestein on Fire Island. I have no clue what she's talking about

I was at a Tom Petty concert and he was playing "Running Down a Dream" acoustically. It was awesome. When it was over he fed me gummy worms like a bird feeds its young. Then I gave him 400 pesos and he gave me a polo mallet.

I was trapped in a safe that was being submerged in water. I didn't think I could get out, but all of a sudden I realized I could go through objects. Then I went through a bunch of walls. It was pretty cool.

My ventilation system was really bad. I changed the filter and then it worked fine. Go figure!

My parents worked for the New York Giants football team and we were all together for a football game where Eli Manning was attempting to set the touchdown record for all quarterbacks in the game. My parents wanted him to set the record because they got a bonus for it, but my parents have never even been out of Illinois so I knew I was dreaming and was able to "break the fourth" wall and dialogue with my dream serpent.


  1. That was beautiful, and puts my dream journal to shame. I especially found it THRILLING deciphering whose dream was whose.

  2. My dad's bluegrass band has started covering "runnin down a dream." it is pretty awesome acoustically. I bet you were dreaming about them.

  3. i bet glenn had a dream about sleeping with heather, so instead of proceeding, he invited her to be a part of oyit.

  4. I bet Glenn invited her to be a part of OYIT because she's smart and funny. Maybe also because of a dream.

  5. Those dreams are someone's reality Jake and Glenn. Reach for the stars!!!

  6. Those dreams are also really funny. Maybe you could them into TV show as well.

  7. I think we originally wanted to satire how awful it is to hear about people's "zany" dreams but ended up just sharing our very INTERESTING dreams.

  8. Not to toot my own horn (or Glenn's) but this is really funny article. It actually gave me a boner. A SUPER hard one.

  9. This is great! I've never had a boner so I don't know what Jake is talking about but we should bring back the Dream Journal.

  10. I was the one who dialoged with my dream serpent.