Boy Meets World too Amazing for Public Consumption

By Gary

I've got the awesome hookup for some rare unreleased BmW scripts. This episode will both delight rabid fans and haters alike.

Check out Part 1 and Part 2.

Old Open

[SCENE – Feeny’s classroom. Two girls, Barbara and Paige, stand in front of the classroom, giving a lecture of some sort. There is a large pitcher from the Phillies in front of them, and Paige holds a small beaker.]

Paige: In conclusion, some products we use every day cause extreme trauma to pro athletes… (Throws the contents of the beaker, which I cannot identify, into the pitcher's face, making the him scream in pain but seems to enjoy it.)

Barbara: (Continuing Paige’s thought) …cutting off oxygen and disrupting the brain activity. (Phillie drops to the floor and shakes violently.)

Feeny: (Sitting at his desk) Excellent report! Inspired visuals. (To the rest of the class) Next team! (Cory and Shawn stand, give high fives, go around the back of Feeny’s desk and Shawn pulls down his pants and thrusts at the back of Feeny's head. Feeny is unaware.)

Cory: How air pollution doesn't effect our everyday life.

Feeny: A'fucking-men.

Shawn: (He and Cory simultaneously take out pointers. He hits the map in the Gulf of Mexico) Denver. (Feeny moves his pointer to the correct location.)

Cory: (Slaps Iowa with his pointer) Philadelphia. (Like Shawn, Feeny corrects him.) Lying low in the Delaware basin, 250 feet above sea level.

Feeny: Mr Matthews what are you on today? (Makes crack smoking motions with his hands. Class laughs out of fear.)

Shawn: (Moves his pointer sharply to Yucatan) Denver. Clean crisp mountain air.

Cory: (Moves his pointer sharply to the middle of Mexico) Philadelphia. Clean crisp Industrial music capital of the world.

Shawn: (Moves his pointer stridently to the Texan coast) Mile High Stadium: home of the Colorado Rockies.

Cory: (Moves his pointer stridently to the Arkansas/Oklahoma border) Veterans Stadium: home of the best fucking franchise of all fucking time the Philadelphia Phillies. (Shaking pitcher huddled on the ground squeals with pleasure. He will be dead in a matter of minutes if nobody intervenes.)

Feeny: Oh, here we go…

Shawn: (He and Cory lean toward the class on Feeny’s desk.) The Rockies, a bogus expansion team, mind you, are averaging four more runs per game than anyone in the league… (Feeny slaps Cory in the face, hard. Cory stands shocked.)

Cory: Our theory is, if Philadelphia would increase its smoggy air, the ball would slice though the atmosphere with a greater velocity.

Shawn: Therefore the Phillies would score more runs.

Cory: And win every home game. The end. (He and Shawn simultaneous contract their pointers.) (To Feeny)Suck on that old man!

Feeny: You will at some point! You will suck my hard greying old British cock (pushing tongue against inner cheek and makes oral sex motions with hand and mouth.) Since your not of age yet I'll just only fantasize about while rubbing it gently under my desk....

Cory: (To Shawn) Stinks! (Taps Feeny’s shoulder like a buddy.)

Feeny: (Stands.)

Feeny: I let you choose your own partner. An astounding lapse of judgment for someone of my experience. I am going to let you try again, but this time I’ll choose the teams. Mr. Hunter, you’ll work with Mr. Minkus.

Shawn & Minkus: (Simultaneously slap their foreheads.)

Shawn:Minkus is a total fucking fag.

Feeny: (Licks his lips.) And Mr. Matthews…

Cory: Yeah, I’ll hook up with Mr. Sullivan. (Nods to his friend.)

Feeny: No, no. That’s worse. (Peers into his grade book on his desk) You’ll work with that sultry slut over there (points)...Miss Lawrence.

Cory: Topanga? Hubahuba! (Cory frantically crotch chops inches away from Topanga's longing mouth.)

Topanga: (Sitting in front of Cory, turns to face him.) Give me your hand.

Cory: (Looking aroused.) Why?

Topanga: (Holds out her hand) I want to see if our energies converge. (Cory holds out his hand, Topanga licks his palm.)

Shawn: (Like a ghost.) Ooooooooh! What a f-rrrrreak! (Puts fingers in a V and sticks his tongue through.)

Topanga: (Closes Cory’s hand, then turns around.) He’s vibrationally acceptable.

Cory: (Stands, to Topanga, insincerely.) Thanks.

Feeny: (Sitting.) Looks like that tasty tart is into you, Mr. Matthews?

Feeny: (Sternly.) I’m Gibraltar.

Cory: (Pleadingly.) Come on, Mr. Feeny. Topanga’s, like, totally too much for me to handle.

Feeny: Sexual confidence is in the eye of the beholder, Mr. Matthews. I, for example, have a young neighbor who does it along with his little sister’s Barney records.

Cory: (After a long, stunned silence.) You hear that?

(Opening Credits)

[SCENE – The lunchroom. Cory goes to get a roll of refreshing Hall's cough drops from the vending machine when he overhears a conversation between Barbara and Paige.]

Paige: (To Barbara.) Why would I want to invite him to my party?

Barbara: (Shrugs.) What’s wrong with him?

Paige: He’s gross.

Cory: (Starts walking towards his and Shawn’s table, feeling his hair. He sits, looking at his reflection in a spoon, still feeling his hair.) (To Shawn.) What do you think of my hair?

Shawn: It's fierce.

Cory: Well… (Gestures to hair.) Would this qualify me as a nappy headed ho?

Shawn: Nah… (Feels Cory’s hair.) You’re more like a Nerf head. (Goes back to his lunch.)

Cory: You knew this and you didn’t tell me!?

Shawn: You got curly hair. Big deal. Honey, I wish I could have locks like yours.

Cory: Sure, it’s easy for you to talk. You got hair. I’m a bleached 1930 painting of a black person. (Resumes feeling his hair gets more and more intense.)

(Topanga approaches carrying a clipboard.)...


  1. I don't see why they couldn't have played this on TGIF. It's no dirtier than some of the later episodes of Step-by-step or You Wish.

  2. To the people who haven't seen every episode of Boy Meets World at least 5 times this will be incredibly offensive and borderline pornographic. To those that have, it will just be Boy Meets World the way we always dreamed.

  3. This has been a long time coming. The vivid descriptions of Feeny's phallus have wrecked a long time crush, but his astonishingly correct sexual advice brought it right back.