The Hammish chunks
rained down onto the few that were tricked into attending this funeral.
Rubbery chunks of flesh smacked his distant cousins, former employers,
and his Ex and her lover on the top of the head like someone whipping
New York Strips at football helmets.
"Fuck You. Fuck you, clown!"
A phrase that repeated over and over in Hammish's understimulated
head, as the cream of the pie dripped down his face like the aftermath
of a million grand money shots. Instead of saying what he was thinking
all that came out was a grunt. With that grunt and a shake of the head
he reached out and slammed the door on the clown. The clown all the
while gripping the colorful balloons and tilting his head as the door to
maintain an uncmofrtable eye-contact with Hammish as the door closed.
Hammish
was not angry. Hammish was not happy either. Hammish just simply
shuffled back to his 'I dont give a shit' chair in hopes that this would
be the last time he ever sat down. Hammish tilted his back and blopped
his feet up on the foot rest. As the cream filling dripped on to the
floor with a surprisingly arousing splat noise, Hammish could not help
but lick his lips and taste it. Shit, It tasted awful...what the fuck
was that made of expired baby food and tree bark? Oh well, Hammish's
mind was far too old and too far tired to play "What the Fuck Did I Just
Eat' any further. He drifted into a deep sleep and as he did, he
couldn't help but laugh, a little, hoping that he or the world would
die.
"wouldn't it be funny..." thought Hammish. "If I died and
they find me just sitting on this chair, dead for days, and covered in a
pie to the face?" He quickly scooped that thought from his mind and
whipped it across the room. For the record, it would have indeed been
funny. Damn, funny. But instead he took out his hankerchief and lazily
whipped his face about three-quarters clean. He'd get the rest off
later, as it dried, picking it off would give him something to do and
add a handful sprinkles to vanilla laced life.
As he settled into
his fat old man groove of his recliner, he felt a sense of depression
and apathy sweep over him, that almost made him leap from his sadness
and sweat soaked throne. However, the warm comforting arms of melancoly
wrapped around him, and whispered sweet lazies in his ear, an embrace
that was just to safe and familar to have any desire to ever escape
from. Fuck this world. "Goodbye" he said to himself, but really wanted
to say to the world. Hoping this would be the last time he ever uttered
his favorite word.
Just
as his eyes closed. A knock at the door ripped him from the grasp of
his wishful thinking that a voice calling him to the light would be the
next thing he be aware of.
Who the hell could it be now? Fuck
em'. "Can't an old piece of shit like me just die in piece?" thought
Hammish. He ignored the pounding like a long abused wife. He squeezed
his eyes shit like he was trying to make his eyebrows touch his
cheekbones. The knocking either became louder and harder or the
consistency of it was so relentless that it became harder to ignore.
Suddenly an explosion rocked the entire house. and the door fell open.
Pink smoke that smelled of cat piss and ether filled his living room.
Hammish
shot up from his chair and is necked cracked as he swung his face
towards the front door. There stood the clown. The fucking clown.
Clutching balloons, laughing, and shaking his head NO. He kicked off
his oversized shoes with a flick of each ankle and blobbed down onto the
couch next to Hammish all in one fluid motion. He handed Hammish a
handwritten note that read 'Life's a joke. Lets tell it to the world.
"Fuck....this clown isn't going anywhere." Hammish sighed as he resided
back to his chair the door wide open for the funnyman to come right in.
The coffin exploded. It exploded - it really exploded. Not just
explode, like, 'that was weird... A coffin doesn't usually explode
during a church service--weird'. No, it EXPLODED. Like it scorched eye
brows and gave the Post-Traumatic Stress shits to the entire front row.
Dried their tearful eyes and covered them in confetti. Oh, that's
another thing when it exploded into a fiery fury of flames and charred
body chunks, it also produced a decent amount of multicolored
cheer-inducing confetti.
Yeah, it was strange but not as strange
as the story that led up to this bizarre event.
It all started with a
man by the name of Hammish. He led a rather uneventful life. Yeah, it
was fucking boring. Even Hammish himself would forget that he existed
on occasion, only to remember that he did, followed quickly by regret
that he had become aware of his completely stale white-bread vanilla-frostingless-cake life. That's how he saw his life; a big ole Birthday-cake,
no wait, not big at all. A rather unimpressively sized Birthday-cake.
Shapeless and no frills, and most importantly, no frosting. The kind
you get from a box and not even that name-brand classy shit, no. One
that only featured bold plain ALL CAPS letters that said VANILLA CAKE,
and a picture of cake that only under the most diligent fucking following
of the directions would the contents of the box produce such a
unimpressive pastry-like product. A product that was meant to celebrate
another year of survival in this cold uncaring fuckyou world. And that's how Hammish saw his life, a poorly made generic brand from
the box semi-moist average sized block of survival celebration
pastry-lite Delite. That's how he saw his life...that is, until the
last week of his life.
It all started with a morning that was as
frostingless as any other. He arose to the random noises of neighbors
next door doing 'things' like tending to gardens or raising kids or
whatever--playing house. Naked, he grimaced at his frail rapidly aging
sad excuse of a body. Such a sad excuse for a body that it was quickly
going beyond sad excuse, to profusely apologizing to him. Snaps and pops
rippled through his entire body for about the first 500 or so steps of
his waking morning. All the while his brain wishing that it had never
awoken and begging and finding any excuse it could to stay in bed and
escape this fuckyou world for another 10-15 minutes or so, and often his
brain beat out his apologizing body. It wasn't hard. His feet were
constantly saying, 'fuck it' and his back was like, 'You ain't gonna
hear me complaining about not getting used'. So he would go back to
sleep not quite ready to suck the day's dick.
That's what happened this
morning. As he drifted into a dream about his long since ex-wife
leaving him for his old high school softball coach, there was a beating on
the door. At first it manifested itself in the dream...their was knock
at his bathroom door while taking a shit only to have it swing open to
his ex-wife in her prime, swallowing his never had a prime ex-coach's
soft balls.
Even in his dream he was taking shit and getting shit on. Just as his
brain threw up its arms and he passively observed the most awful and
unexpected thing to see while taking a toxin release. His brain got
stopped in mid 'par-for-the-course' eye roll, when it realized it was a
knock in real life. Probably something even worse than this dream, but
hell, no one had knocked on his door since it was his Ex-wife saying she
was leaving him for his boss, he wondered if this was related. Nevermind, maybe it was some good news.
Well, it appeared to be just
that. It was a smiling clown with 6 multicolored balloons and Hammish
was greeted with a gentle toss of multicolored cheer-inducing confetti.
'Neat, this doesn't happen everyday!' No it doesn't, Hammish. No it does
not.
I know what everyone is thinking "...But Gary who gives a shit about the BGC when Jersey Shore is all the rage!" The short answer is: I do. The Bad Girls Club, for those of you that don't know, is a "reality" show where a bunch of self proclaimed "Bad Girls" live in a giant mansion in LA. What is the catch you ask?!? There is no catch, that is the catch. THERE IS NO CATCH. These fine young women just live in a giant mansion. That's it and the only threat of being voted off the show is if you beat the shit out of someone or threaten to slit a house-mate's throat. Now I know a lot of shows promise this kind of stuff; fights, death threats, and a sex toy vending machine in the living room, but only the BGC delivers this not just once a season but sometimes 3 or 4 times an episode.
I know just reading the paragraph above makes you want to go a free TV show streaming website without regard for how many viruses will download to your computer...Wait. Just like any great TV show it is better once you get to know the characters.
Natalie This girl is the huge cunt of the house. She loves cock teasing professional athletes into giving her a credit card. This tactic works roughly 0% of the time. You mainly see Natalie snuggling with a random football player in bed after a night of clubbing. You will then see her begging the guy for a credit card as him and his "crew" quickly leave shouting "hell nah". She's also known for spitting in people's faces whom tell her to shut the fuck up about fucking Bon Scott's grandson in a night club bathroom.
She also has a boyfriend! Here's the real mind fuck: Her boyfriend is a guy that desperately wants to be a famous rapper and Natalie desperately wants to fuck a famous rapper, and somehow from this show they are both becoming marginally famous.
Kate Kate is the racist of the house. She once claimed that she didn't want to go to a "sweaty black place". I don't think she is that racist, she's just from a small town. I am from a small town and I consistently deny the holocaust on accident.
Kate shocked viewers when, after fighting with Natalie about her name dropping for half a season, she bonded with her through admitting she had sex with the lead singer of Nickleback. This is definitely something beginners need to know. When you start your all day series marathon for the first time... just remember that Kate had sex with the lead singer of Nickleback. To save face I think she should recant her story and claim it was the lead singer of a Nickleback cover band. I don't know why that is better, but it is.
Amber
Amber is the Bi-aphobic of the house. She is always on Bisexual cast-mate Flo's ass for not choosing a side. She views sexuality like it is Marvel Comic's Civil War mini-series. You are either an Iron Man girl or a Captain American girl...none of that Spiderman inbetweenie weenie bullshit.
Her raging bi-aphobia culminates in her breaking Flo's ankle. Yeah it was pretty sweet.
Flo
Flo is the bisexual of the house. She has a thick Brooklyn accent and always looks like she is three seconds away from curb stomping everyone in her sight. She famously got her ankle broken after being shoved in the pool by Amber. Flo retaliated with what pro-wrestling fans know as a devastating bitch toss.
Kendra
Kendra is the wild card of the house. It would seem to viewers that she has a giant wheel of her cast-mates and spins it each episode. Whatever person it lands on Kendra decides to fight with that day.
She is also famous for loving the sex toy vending machine, and throwing people's personal belongings out of windows. My diagnosis is that she is not so much a bad girl as a bi-polar girl. I expect the series to end with her calling 911 after drowning the entire cast in the hot tub.
Lexie
She is the mother of the house. She just wants everyone to have a good time and calm down. She will make a great mother someday. Oh and also like any good mother she loves getting trashed and getting naked. It will be one hell of a first birthday party for her son.
Annie She is the quiet one. Annie's only claim to bad girlness is that she always sleeps with married men. She says it is because every guy she happens to be attracted to is married. I say it is because she is only attracted to 50 year old men wearing golf shirts in hotel bars.
Annie is also the smart one because she has glasses and has read a book.
I leave you with these fights from the first episode. This is just from one episode. ENJOY
I am going to try and start posting some hopefully funny writings that I randomly do. They have no point, but I guess that is the point.....trippy isn't it.
I always wanted to be a writer. I always wanted to write something, and something I wrote. I wrote poems, biographies, and Goosebumps rip offs. The more I wrote the more I was filled with false encouragement, perhaps; that is too cynical. Some of the encouragement may have been somewhat deserved, but a lot of it was the fact that the adults around me never read a Goosebumps book and were unaware that 90% of my stories was just last month's R.L Stine book. My uncle just fours years older than me and my co-author would not be so kind as to let my blatant plagiarism go unnoticed especially, when it came to the story "Bee Car[e]ful What You Wish For!" a somewhat debatable plagrism of the Goosebumps "Be Careful What You Wish For!". Much like Vanilla Ice just a few years before me I argrued, "Stine's goes 'Ding ding ding dingy ding-ding.'...mine goes 'Ding ding ding ding dingy ding-ding.'"in my story the main character got turned into a bee not a bird like in Stine's creepy crawly tale.....it's completely different, but not unlike the Goosebumps were the boy gets turned into a bee. The adults were also not enough of TV sitcom scholars to know how factually inaccurate my Drew Carey Biography really was. I do think on some level I am a good writer, and people seem to read it and nod their heads slowly, smile at me, and hand back the paper I have just written. They usually say "that is good", "you should be a writer", and, "why is your grammar so awful?".
I slowly got away from writing. I dove into the dark underworld of Magic: Gathering. Every Saturday was the ultimate in nerd Church: Wake up eat some kind of wacky Cartoon/comic/TV show--based cereal, pop in a fresh recordable VHS hit record--watch/record the latest episode of MST3K-- all the while trying in vein to edit out the commercials by "hand", then I would head to the Card Shop...get my fix by way of a Mirage set booster pack, and like an alley way junkies we all circled up and injected ourselves with the wonderful drug MtG. This drug felt amazing. It made you feel like you had 20 lives and could fend off a 5/5 Shvian dragon. The aforementioned Uncle and I would than spend the rest of the evening playing video games, watching Mr. Bean and WCW Saturday Night "The Mother-ship". I still wrote--only this time it was fake Magic Cards. I designed such memorable cards as the "Child Molester", and one hilariously lampooning the Card Shop owner....or maybe those were the same card.
Stephen Q. Urkel is a controversial figure in America's great history. Whether he's asking Laura Winslow if she's got any cheese or pondering if he did that, he inevitably hit a nerve or a funny bone with the American masses. Some loathe his science based hijnks, while others applaud and laugh hysterically. This debate will take a deep look at Urkel and attempt to figure out which side of America's 1990s sitcom viewing audience is right.
Jake: I have no love for Mr. Urkel. He's nothing more than a nerded up Kimmy Gibbler type who has a fixation on cheese and Laura Winslow. He's obnoxious. He spends most of his time getting on Carl Winslow's nerves, who has just worked a grueling shift as a Chicago police officer. He's stressed and needs to unwind. Instead he's left to deal with Steve breaking things and asking if he did it. Of course you broke that table, Steve, you just fell through it. Steve brings an unnecessary amount of chaos into Carl's life. Carl already has to deal with his own kids, his nephew and Eddie's friend Waldo Geraldo Faldo. Isn't that enough?
Gary: I am going to shock you here, and say that I agree with everything you just said. Steve is annoying he is a huge burden on one of Chicago's finest--Carl, but Steve is also a tortured soul. Let me ask you a question, how often did we see Steve's parents or his house? (Maybe his basement lab now and again.) Its obvious the character comes from a broken home. I even theorize that Steve suffered from Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.
Jake: I'm sure that Steve's parents did drink. If you were the parents to an obnoxious nerd like Steve you'd be sauced up, too. I agree that Steve did not get a lot of attention as a young child. It makes a kid hungry for attention, and they'll get it where ever it's available (even at a neighbor's house). In earlier episodes it is excusable. When Steve is 14 and he's still driving Carl up a wall like Dennis the Menace to Carl's Mr. Wilson, it is not all right. There's a point where being attention starved becomes inexcusable and that time is called puberty. Steve Urkel needed to grow up, but instead he stepped into a personality changing machine and became the suave Stefan.
Gary: I question whether Steve's parents are alive or not in jail. Something Carl should have looked into a long time ago. Steve means well, and the fact that he has a crack addicted absent father and an alcoholic mother should have been huge red flags for Carl to inform DHS. Carl's job is to serve and protect all citizens even the ones that shrink him down on accident to the size of small rodent with a shrink ray. The fact that he felt like he had to invent something in order to become mature is a testament to this poor young kid's fragile psyche. Many times children of broken homes seek refuge in to their own imagination which one can see is not that big of leap to manifest itself into wacky inventions such as, but not limited to; a robot version of himself, shrink rays, teleports and a machine that makes people cool.
Jake: While Family Matters is a fantasy series in a lot of ways (most of the reasons were just named by Gary in the above point), it has some basis in reality. The realism of the show is that there really are kids like Steve around, and they get on people's nerves. What is the right way to deal with them? I have no idea. Maybe it's to build a cool machine and turn them all cool. Maybe it's to sell them to Oscar Meyer and make bologna and hot dogs out of them. I do not think Urkel was misunderstood, just annoying.
Gary: Urkel was very much misunderstood. I am not so vein to believe that I could ever think to understand someone that doesn't even understand themselves. Steve had a terrible home life and he was crying out for attention, whether it was proclaiming an irrational love for Laura at a young age or desperately trying to fit in with Eddie and his cool friends. Steve needed help and Carl and the rest of the Winslow clan turned a blind eye to his cries for help. The right way to deal with someone who gets on one's nerves is to try and help them the best one can. Not to simply scream at them or create one's own household death panel as Jake suggests. These are real kids and teens that have these problems and we must as part of a community work to help them to alleviate stress, wacky invention mishaps and crime. We can't simply tinker with their jetpacks in hopes that they will just fly to another show never to be seen again.
Good mourning. I hope all of you watched America's Got Talent last night, because I sure did. I was sad that Rory the dog missed 3 catches. If you don't know what that means than I guess you will have to watch last night's episode via Hulu.
Website of the day
It's a petition that is actually doing something. I guess it's a benefit of the recession that companies will fear losing business even if it just from an epetition with 75,000 signatures. It's to get advertisers to pull their ads for the Glenn Beck Show and Variety Hour.
http://colorofchange.org/beck/
Sign it. Gieco just pulled out yesterday.
Wrestling Videos of the Day
I love Bobby Heenan and Gorilla Monsoon. They had great chemistry and are just naturally a great foil to each other.
Here's some of their best commentary.
Music Video of the Day
Here's some slightly awkward live sessions with Cage. Featuring the only great song on his new album "Nothing Left to Say" and the decent "I Lost It In Havertown" and the last song is terrible. Nothing left is a great song about trying to help someone overcome the same addictions and vices that he suffered from. Read up on Cage he has a crazy and inspiring story.
Still thinking about my Health Care article that I was going to do over a week...I may or may not do it.
At least not around pro wrestling manager and booker Jim Cornette. This is him being pissed about wrestling commentator Joey Styles calling Obama a Marxist on his blog.
Well I am back after fixing some internet and personal issues.......
FOR TODAY!! I can't promise huge amounts of articles for a while, because Marvel vs Capcom 2 comes to Xbox Arcade today, and I will be more than a little busy with that.
Even if you are not a fan or even if you've never played the game, watch these video of Champion player Yipes talk mad shit. It's ultra-combo finish funny.
Well I had some crazy stuff happened to me over the last 3 weeks or so. The biggest/best was getting to hangout with Bub. We had a heated debate about Micheal Jackson's official place in American culture. We went to a hipster dance thing and Bub picked up girl's for me by talking to them and introducing me as "his sexy good friend". James, Bub, Kevin, and I drank a lot of cheap volka, ice house, and pbr (dollar pints..the only good thing at that dance fest). He regaled us with his stories from down under.
We found this crazy African immigrant who told us he left his country to help build houses after Katerina and then moved here to help with the flood and how he had two degrees in business and psychology. Needless to say he was full of shit, and we ran away from him when he stopped at a gas station to use the bathroom.
Enough about me this was never about me its always about you...WHAT YOU WANT!
James Ross look a like of The Day
I was watching SNL this last Saturday...yes I was that bored, and saw that James had joined Kelly C.'s band on guitar. This is for the 3-4 people on here who know who James Ross is
Its crazy how much it looks exactly like him..so crazy I had to share.
Wrestling video of the Day
Razor Ramon on Jerry Springer
Turns out the "bad guy" is really just a sweet good guy. Good for him for visiting this married 10 year old with AIDS. Although, I am confused when Jerry mentions casually that they had a wedding for them on the show the year before. I wonder if it was a real wedding or in the way single quirky 20-somethings or single depressed 50 somethings have "weddings" for their dogs and/or cats.
Too bad Scott Hall has so many drug and alcohol problems :( this clip does convey the better stuff he is know for--intelligence, a kind heart, and being humble. That is not a joke.
Music Video of the Day
Micheal Jackson-- "2000 Watts"
I know most of you hate me for putting up another Jackson song, but this song is less known and really strange. M.J is singing in a more "normal" R&B way and the song's pretty catchy, and dare a say even a little a head of its time when it was released in 2001. I think it could be a hit maybe not now but 06 or 07 for sure.
I am stealing Maddie's wildly successful "Dissecting: Insert song" article. So if you want a taste of what I got, then go ahead girl... click the "read more" spot..Woah!
"Yeah... Uh huh So seductive"
This is the intro to the song. It's not so much a lyric..it's more of a prologue. A pitch for the concept of the song.
Music Journalist: Fittie, tell me about about your new single "Candy Shop"
50 Cent: Candy Shop...Yeah...uh-huh. So seductive.
"[Chorus: 50 Cent & Olivia] [50 Cent] I'll take you to the candy shop I'll let you lick the lollipop Go 'head girl, don't you stop Keep going 'til you hit the spot (woah) [Olivia] I'll take you to the candy shop Boy one taste of what I got I'll have you spending all you got Keep going 'til you hit the spot (woah)"
Let's not beat around the bush here, this song is about oral sex. The analogy is so brilliantly conceptualized by 50 Cent when he refers to his penis as a lollipop. I am sure millions of 2nd graders around the world collectively applauded this provocative and clever word play. I know I did not come up with equating my penis to a lollipop, hot dog or Popsicle until at least the 3rd or 4th grade.
The lyrics themselves imply that 50 is offering to let Olivia give him a blow job, and Olivia is offering to let 50 Cent do the same. Both make good on their mutual offers, when at the end of each line its ended with parenthesized ("woah").
Author's inquiry: I believe Olivia tells 50 to keep giving her oral sex til he "hits her (g) spot". Which I admit I am not a master of giving oral sex, to women at least, believe that it would anatomically impossible to hit a woman's g-spot using only your mouth. (see below image)
[Verse 1: 50 Cent] "You can have it your way, how do you want it You gon' back that thing up or should i push up on it Temperature rising, okay lets go to the next level Dance floor jam packed, hot as a teakettle I'll break it down for you now, baby it's simple If you be a nympho, I'll be a nympho In the hotel or in the back of the rental On the beach or in the park, it's whatever you into Got the magic stick, I'm the love doctor Have your friends teasing you 'bout how sprung I gotcha Wanna show me how you work it baby, no problem Get on top then get to bouncing round like a low rider I'm a seasons vet when it come to this shit After you work up a sweat you can play with the stick I'm trying to explain baby the best way I can I melt in your mouth girl, not in your hands (ha ha)"
Well this a seductive chorus to say the least. Looks like 50 delivered on his opening pitch much like he delivered on his promises of becoming huge movie star.
Back to the lyrics at hand. He's at da club dancing with Olivia. He leans over to Olivia and ask her if she is going to rub her ass on him or is he going to have to do himself. 50 then goes on to make such brilliant similes as, "hot as a teakettle" and "bouncing around like a low rider", to describe his plans for the evening and his incredible love making skills. Hell, even I am getting a touch of the vapors.
He then ends with a light joke to reassure her that he will not ejaculate during the initial hand job, but will wait until the oral sex. This joke/line is so clever that even 50 cannot hold back the laughter--remarking, "ha ha". I am sure a girl in the club would be overtaken to have 50 Cent dancing up on her, and his need to reassure her that he will not ejaculate during a hand job actually ends up having the opposite affect of the intended motivation to tell a girl that.
[Chorus] "[Bridge: 50 Cent & Olivia] Girl what we do (what we do) And where we do (and where we do) The things we do (things we do) Are just between me and you (oh yeah)"
Oh boy.
The lyrics means: 50 don't kiss and tell. He does however kiss and rap, as 50 has devoted an entire top chart hit to this sexual encounter.
[Verse 2: 50 Cent] "Give it to me baby, nice and slow Climb on top, ride like you in the rodeo You ain't never heard a sound like this before Cause I ain't never put it down like this before Soon as I come through the door she get to pulling on my zipper It's like it's a race who can get undressed quicker Isn't it ironic how erotic it is to watch em in thongs Had me thinking 'bout that ass after I'm gone I touch the right spot at the right time Lights on or lights off, she like it from behind So seductive, you should see the way she wind Her hips in slow-mo on the floor when we grind As Long as she ain't stopping, homie I ain't stopping Dripping wet with sweat man its on and popping All my champagne campaign, bottle after bottle its on And we gon' sip 'til every bubble in every bottle is gone"
I assume he has her back at his hotel. She's giving it to him nice and slow than she's riding him like a rodeo. Then they have a race to see who can get undressed quicker. I am almost sure there is a Double Dare game with nearly identical rules.
I don't get why it's ironic to watch women in thongs. I guess it could be ironic if the whole night 50 was focused on her getting naked, only to find out that he enjoyed her in thong more.
The shit breaks loose and everything starts popping! EVERYTHING. He does, she does, the champagne bottles and even "it" pops. A very climatic ending to a very seductive song. See what I did there 50 Cent, take note..."Climatic" ending (ha ha).
This song is OK for a song about oral sex. I will say this: I have had my fair share of oral sex, and never once was it so good that I felt inclined to write an entire song about it or the events leading up to it. Maybe someday I will be proven wrong, but no BJ is worth writing an entire song over.
I want to share with you a story about this song. One that is seared into my brain. When I was in a writing class, this burn-out thuggish portly white kid would ask me to go get breakfast at McDonald's after every class with him (it was an 8 AM class so that takes some of the weirdness out of it). This is the type of kid that lives in a single bedroom apartment with one couch, a 20 inch TV, a Nintendo 64, a DVD player, one DVD (Beerfest and maybe Van Wilder), one Godsmack black light poster, a mattress, and a pet lizard named "Dane" that he "gets high" by blowing weed smoke in its face.
I would always find an excuse that usually revolved around studying or not having any money. Then I made the mistake of mentioning how I got all my homework done for the week. Yes, I know many of you are saying that I made a mistake saying anything to this guy, but I can't not talk to people he was a nice guy and I can't be an asshole to anyone. Anyway, after class I caught him out of the corner of my eye speed walking towards me.
"let's go get some McDonald's!" "I don't have any..." "Dude, I am buying"
I go to his car and get in, and begin the short and awkward drive to Micky D's. While we are waiting in the drive-thru saying nothing at all. This song comes on the radio and after the opening lines, I think the idea that his insistence to take me to breakfast could be be interpreted as "gay" finally dawns on him. So he feels the need to crank up this song and speaking loudly and clearly says "me and MY GIRLFRIEND had some fun times to this song!"
My dog broke my H key (kinda), so we will see how well this post will works.
You get a full double-dose of Gary today with two articles, so be sure to check out my "Dissecting: 50 Cent's Candy Shop" later today.
I am pretty excited. Yesterday I went to my adviser for Kirkwood, and after getting all my classes straighten out for this fall's semester I have just 2 electives left and one math class, then I have my Associates. WOOO!
It only took me 6 years plus for my two year degree. After all the BS with my horrible mom not faxing things and not taking care of her taxes, giving up my health care , living in 7 different places in 6 different cities/towns, working 30-60 hours a week since I was 18, having to ride my bike 30 miles 5 days a week to class at 6 am for en entire semester ( I can't wait to tell my grand kids that story), and all the other stuff...no one has any idea how much this degree crappy liberal arts degree means to me. I can't wait to finally go to University of Iowa in 2010!
Enough about me. This blog is not about my happiness..its about YOU.
TV Shows You Should Watch
Whitest Kids u' Know
This show is really good. It has its not so great moments, but when its good it probably one of my favorite sketch shows.
Video Games To Play
-Prototype
This video pretty much sums up the entire game. I am about 7 hours into it and its one of the funnest game I have played. There's nothing like stealthing behind an old couple eating the old women thus, becoming her, grabbing her husband, running up the Empire State Building with him, leaping off and throwing him at a tank, and follow it up with an atomic elbow to said tank. If that doesn't sound like the best thing ever, then you don't like fun and will never find happiness in life ever.
-Ghostbusters: The Video Game
I beat this nine hour game within 40 hours of it releasing in stores (note: that's with a full 8 hours of sleep). Whether that is a testament to how good the game is, or how big of loser I am.. I will leave it up to you to decide.
It's a movie game that doesn't suck. It's based on a great movie, and its penned by Dan and Harold themselves and was viewed by them as an official sequel to the movies. The game play is fun with some annoying bugs and overly frustratingly difficult parts, the story is almost movie quality, and the graphics are near perfect. I loved this game despite its shortness and bugs. Rent it for sure.
-LocoRoco 2
This game is one of the most bizarre games I have played. Its a really good game too. I picked this up at Target for 2.98 (I love Target Clearance). It's simple yet challenging and easy to pick up and play and it is addicting. The enemies seem to have a little bit of a racist undertone. They are red-lipped black blogs with deadlocked like "hair", and they make skat music at you.
News of the Day
Brooke Greenberg is a 16 year old girl that looks like a baby and has the brain of a toddler. I can kind of relate since I am a 24 year old with the brain of 12 year old and the body of a 14 year old.
The Learning Channel will have an hour special about her on August 9th and I am sure Jake will have a full review of the show that night for those you who miss it.
Music Video Of The Day
Brace yourself...it's my first non-hip-hop video of the day...EVER...and two at that! It's a live video for Murder City Devils performing "18 wheels" a song about leaving your true love to pursue your dream to become a rockstar. It features such great lines as; "drinking when I should be sleeping, sleeping when I should be waking up" and "thinking of you up and down I-5 more often than a serial killer..."
I was lucky enough to see them once when I was 16 before they broke up in 2001. They have reunited on several occasions recently, and I hope they do a national tour. Since I am 24 now and, even though I almost never drink, I want to get as smashed as humanly possible and loudly sing along while they rock the fuck out, and I embarrass myself.
Yes it is Monday and for all of us at OyiT we loathe Mondays. They are awful. Almost as bad as a vacation to North Korea I hope and pray that all of you make it through this horrible day of the week.
HERE'S a little help:
Movie to Watch of the Day:
I don't know how many of people have seen American Movie, but for those who haven't see it now.... and for those who have see it again. I watched this movie a couple years back and I loved it. The movie is; bizarre, sad, funny, and oddly inspiring all at the same time. I recently watched it again after I picked it up at a sweet Hollywood video 10 cent VHS sale and fell back in love with the movie. Here's a clip of Mike, the "co-star" of the documentary talking about his past drug abuse.
WTF!! I don't need to explain the movie any further. I will say YOU WILL fall in love with Mike. He wanted to do LSD. What terrible human being sells this sweet nice guy, or anyone for that matter, PCP and tells anyone that its LSD. LSD can be extremely dangerous but not nearly as dangerous as drug that can make you EATPEOPLE. Luckily the guy was nice enough to have slipped in a "little bit of downer", so Mikey would calm down before he was gunned down by police after a murderous rampage.
Steve Wilkos video of the day
I do not hide my love-hate relationship I have with Steve Wilkos. He my be a narcissist, judgmental, bully of a person, but boy is his show entertaining.
I think there is no need for a wrestling video of the day.
Music Video of the Day (+bonus)
I LOVE LUPE FIASCO. His lyrics are superb, his flow is silky smooth, and his messages are amazing and he seems to be quite a person.
Gladiators ready!? Moviegoers ready?! YES AND YES! The TV smash hit from the late 80s/early 90s and the not so smashing 2007 tv show are taking their atlashperes from NBC studios to the big screen. The result is the best surprisingly tender and action-filled TV-to-film series reboots since Star Trek (2009).
The movie is a fast-paced action-filled romp that is easily on par with the likes of Running Man and Total Recall. For those people expecting a two hour episode of the beloved show, they will first be shocked and then realize the untapped depth of a real world American Gladitors. The CG is absolutely stunning from the flaming tennis balls to the insane wall climbing scene during the film's third act.
Everything about this movie is pitch-perfect....Moby's remix of the original American Gladitor theme to the original Nitro's (Danny Lee "Nitro" Clark) appropriate and heart-felt cameo. Every decision made for this movie is done with the utmost respect and understanding to its source material. Dan Carr and John Ferraro the show's/movie's creators deserve a huge pat on the back by the Gladiamanics around the world, and all fans can let out a collective sigh of relief that this classic has not been compromised in a time where it's common to see cash-in remakes. Yes, American Gladiators: the Movie is that GOOD.
***SPOILER ALERT***
The movie takes place in America in the year 2022. The country has been overthrown by a group of oppressive genetically superior humans know only as a "THE GLADIATORS". The competition replaces standard democratic elections and the Gladiators in the interest of "fairness" allow one contender a chance to enter the Gladiator Council once a week. The writers' decision to make the titular motley crew tbe the villains, I have to admit, made me nervous. Within 20 minutes of sitting in the theater you will realize why Dan Carr invented this IP and you did not.
The Gladiators are some the most thought provoking villians in any movie...ever. The moral implications of their modern Darwinism will have you and your friends debating eugenics long after the credits roll, and all the way to the book store to pick through A Brave New World for answers. I might suggest brushing up on your bio-ethics before trying to intellectually tackle Nitro's (John Cena) speech at the Tribunal Eliminator in the closing minutes of this heart pounding roller coaster ride of a movie.
Christian Bale as William Witcunthem the retired Army SGT, is not without praise. The fact that the creators actually did a real season of American Gladiators (2010) just so Bale could participate and ultimately win was worth the cost and rating nose drive NBC took. Bale is a true actor in every sense of the word. William is loved by the crowd from the very beginning, from his speech to his fans before entering the winner-take-all competition. This will lift the spirits and melt the hearts of any working-class Joe Sixpack. Witcuntham is not a one dimensional character by any stretch of the term and the audience's moral compass is called into question when William's ongoing struggle with spousal abuse and PTST is revelved.
The action never takes a back seat to the story. In fact it drives the atlasphere that is this movie, and the story is sitting on it's lap helping to steer right for the audience's psyche. Like I stated before the action is amazing. The martial arts during the events are spectacular and the CG is the best I have ever seen.
By the end of the movie, my elementary concepts of Good vs Evil were all but destroyed. The action on the screen was stunning (the digital 3-D works well), but the real action was going on in my mind.
Everything I thought I loved; blue collar joes, good old fashion work, democracy, my hatred for eugenics and my love for the military, were all called into question and ultimately done away with. The ideas that American Gladiators gives us is a better and new way of thinking about national and global dominance and the weakness of the everyday man. This movie is a pugel stick to the head of society; telling us to not simply try and make it to the end, but to raise your metaphorical tennis ball gun to the target above your oppressor's head..and fire. Humans must cast away past contender's ideas of right and wrong and start hanging tough with the gladiators of the future.
Well it's that time again. Time for everyone to wake up and do stuff. I trust that everyone had a good "it's new to me tv" night. I have seen every episode of the 30 Rock and The Office, so I spent the night doing something a little more productive. I watched two solid hours of So you think you can dance?.
Today's:
Times I almost considered being racist
When I was working at a local Hy-Vee as a bag boy for a short period of time a black gentlemen brought a small basket of items up to the register. He proceeded to take out a HungryMan fried chicken dinner, a snickers bar, and a 20 oz bottle of grape soda. That was not the end. The man then asked the cashier for a pack of.....NEWPORTS. If that wasn't enough he tries to pay for his items with a food stamp card. For the readers that don't know, it is against the law to purchase tobacco products with a food card. The only thing missing from the guys shopping list was a bottle of bubble bath.
So to recap:
Buys fried chicken, grape soda, and Newports. The black guy then tries to BREAK THE LAW by buying all this with a food stamp card. I was just about to feel superior until I realized that if the video below didn't make me feel racial superior then nothing would. (editor's note: this suppose to be Booker T's Hungryman fried chicken dinner commercial but I couldn't find it)
That's right the Ultimate Warrior is an artist now. Retired pro-wrestler, extreme racist/conservative politician wannabe, and now a full blown professional artist. He does "oil knife" paintings and since I don't care enough to research what that actually is, I will just assume it involves dipping a big ole huntin' knife in oil paints and using it like a paint brush. Warrior goes on to say, "...that its like as if sculpture is on the canvas." Its like that in the way that puffy paint is like sculptures on t-shirts.
I don't want to be to hard on The Warrior, because he is doing what he loves to do. That's more than 95% of Americans do. Although, I am going to be kind of hard on him when the thing he loves to do is knife paint shitty pictures of "cowboy" Ronald Reagan, call it "sunny personality", and try to charge nearly 10,000 dollars plus for it. Plus, I am sure the "knife-paint" community consists of almost exclusively of Reagan and flag paintings.
We laugh now. In our heads-- all readers are thinking, "who in their right mind...". I am going to stop you right there, because as we speak the guy below is saving up to put this very painting in his studio apartment in Wicker Park on his "ironic art" wall.
Whoa.... I didn't mean for this entire post to be so pro-wrestling themed. I knew if I started a GM with me thinking about me thinking about becoming racist it would almost certainly go down a pro-wrestling path. well for those of you not interested in pro wresting at least there is still time for the....
Music video of the day
Like I said before, I love hip-hop and I love def-jux, so I will just post the fourth video that comes up when I type in "Def-jux".
NOOOO! a Def Jux video featuring John Cena.
In all seriousness, here's my video for the day. It's by newly attractive, Def Jux recording artist, and Shia Labeouf's new BFF--Cage. The video is directed by Shia Labeouf and he makes a cameo. The new album drops in June and I am nervous based on this song (and others I have heard). Hell's Winter would be hard to top regardless.
It's Hump day. I am headed for Hooter's after I am done writing this for their hump day special. I think they have nickel shots and penny wings. What a way to clean out my pockets of all this extra jingle jangle, and potentially kill myself on 47 cents.
The Mourning Video is Aesop Rock "Coffee" featuring John Darnielle of the Mountain Goats. Its a neat video and a good song. I love hip hop and I love Aesop Rock, and on top of that, I thought I would throw all those indie/folk kids a bone by featuring a song that features John Darnielle. Also it features him getting struck by lightning if your're not a fan. It also features a nipple for a split second so everyone wins. The song has something to do with consumerism and stuff...and we ALL like to consume something. It's also called coffee and millions of readers will be having a nice coffee while reading this post so I found it to more than appropriate.
I know everyone was shocked/excited/outraged to here about the Drop Dead Freed remake, but that news means nothing when faced with the reality of an American Gladiators movie! I can't even begin to fathom what this movie would be like. The show/movie creator said it will take place in an American Gladiators-centric world. I assume by this he means an alternate reality were America is ruled by a group of muscular spandex clad leaders that delegate the American government by forcing the citizens to partake in life or death public events that involve tennis balls and giant blue and red balls (atlaspheres for the purists).
The movie's protagonist will be a police officer from Miami Florida named William. His unlikely rival will be a high school science teacher and retired personal trainer from Boulder Colorado named Jim. As he competes in these deadly events his wife and kids will be forced to watch live and hold signs that have both his name and glitter and/or puffy paint.
That's all I can assume for now. I can also hope that Bob McElwee as the morally sound and fair Supreme Ref, Mike Adamle as a rebel News anchor, and Larry Csonka as the Head of the US Department of Larry Csonka and Larry Csonka Research (DoLZ&LZR), make at least cameos in this future blockbuster.
One last note, hopefully the pugel sticks will be featured so everyone will stop saying "remember when they had those giant q-tips?!?!?" THEY ARE PUGEL STICKS! Get it right or pay the price!
Jake has pretty much exhausted, as he always does with anything having to do with the Ultimate Warrior, all of the great Ultimate Warrior Youtube videos. I do believe it is time to switch gears to a far greater man of pro wrestling.....Scott Steiner. The video is amazing for both wrestling fans and non-fans alike. Especially, his debate about the Iraq War.
The video speaks for itself. I will say that history will come to view Scott Steiner as the Internet age's Oscar Wilde...
Goodnight!
BONUS MUSIC VIDEO: Bad4GOOD band that features Danny Cooksey (Buddnick of Salute Your Shorts fame) on lead vocals. Its pretty wild.
Video games are pretty sweet. In fact, I like them more than I like most people. In fact, most people like video games more than they like me. Rightfully so..
So without further ado... I give you a rough outline of Burning Planet: The Wicked Comet
A young space marine named Jim Sparrows awakes on a space beach to a young girl giggling and knocking on his forehead. She is really cheerful. Jim knows nothing about her, himself, or the space beach he is on. Jim is pissed at her cheerfulness and is all like, "I don't need this shit". She's gets sad and she's all like "b-b-b-ut we the beach people of this beach planet need your help!?!?!!" Jim is pissed about it but he's like "ok but what is wrong with your beach planet looks nice enough to me.." She buries her head in her hands and goes "because..." she starts to cry and shit "because the beach planet that I love is BURNING!" Jim looks annoyed and goes "finally things get exciting around here..........lock and load ready to go! HERE WE GO AGAIN!" He pulls out a bad ass double barrel shotgun with a samurai sword on the end. Screen fades to title screen "BURNING PLANET". press start....
Then you go on the beach and there's all this stuff you gotta shoot. There are like these alien soldiers that are grey and buff. And the whole time Jim is making smart ass comments like "and I thought my mother-in-law was a bitch" and "I think blasting your face off improves your looks!". The young girl that you have to protect has a life bar and when she gets hurt she goes "ow please help me!" and when you shoot her she's all like "hey I'm not the bad guy silly!". After you make your way across the beach you get to a vehicle shop so you can get a vehicle to ride on that has a gun turret and land mine thrower. The owner is a master mechanic and he is really pissed that the girl brought Jim there. The mechanic is like, "why'd you bring this muscle head and risk the enemies following ya here?!?!?". But Jim is all like, "listen asshole I didn't ask to be on this burning space beach and I want off so you help me and I'll help your space beach...GOT IT!"
The mechanic respects Jim Sparrow now. And tells him, "an evil Corporation has sold out the planet. They were suppose to help us but now they let the aliens burn the planet for energy for their baddass guns and spaceships. And I am leading a group of guys to fight them and we just happening to be hiring!" ON SNAP. The mechanic tosses some keys to Jim and says "take my hogplasma tank-789 any time it gets broken down or you need to a new mission press start and find the purple icon. that's my shop and I can heal and repair the tank." Jim say "thanks but I don't plan on crashing anything unless its those aliens ship into their home planet! Listen I do whatever shit needs to be done but..." Right then a huge tentacle bust through the shop window. The camera zooms in on Jim's face...... He eats the light cigarette he was smoking and says "all in days work!"
While not everybody may be a fan of fish puns, the other fish puns article happens to be the second most read post in OYIT history. What is even more surprising is how hard it is for Glenn to come up with any. He and I have flirted with making a fish puns article for over a month, but we usually just ended up flirting with each other instead. So try to enjoy these fish puns written by Gary and I.
Why did the fishermen get laid off from his mechanics job? He could only tuna car!
Why was the fish scared to escape the boat after the fishermen got done cleaning him? He didn't have the guts to live anymore!
Why did the fish call in sick to work? Because he felt crappie.
Why did the fish have trouble swimming? It had dolphins.
I love Lady Gaga's song about just dancing. I want to take a look at her next instant dance/poker club classic "Poker Face." Now I would like you to known I have never heard this song. I am a Lady Gaga purist to say the least. I would like to take in the lyrics first, then the music, then the song as one experience, then the making of the video, then the first 30 seconds of the completed video, then the last 30 seconds of the completed video, then the video on mute, then the video with sound only, and then finally the completed video. Also, when I go see Lady Gaga live, I only go for the one song I am getting into at the time and leave (maybe stopping for a t-shirt on the way out if they have one that is inspired by said song). This will be chapter one in my journey to "getting into" Lady Gaga's Poker Face.
I wanna hold em' like they do in Texas Plays Fold em' let em' hit me raise it baby stay with me (I love it) Luck and intuition play the cards with Spades to start And after he's been hooked I'll play the one that's on his heart
She wants to hold something like someone does during theater plays held in Texas. Not only Hold these people, but also "let them" and "raise them." She then assures the listener to stay with her because she loves it. Spades is where luck and intuition play cards when they start....hmmm. Not sure what this means, but I will stay with it just because Lady gaga loves it when I do that. A man will be hooked on something. The card game she started playing with spades is now being played focusing on the cards he is holding close to his chest or heart...if you will.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh I'll get him hot, show him what I've got Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh, I'll get him hot, show him what I've got
The chorus is awesome. She gets excited ("oh-oh-oh-oh-e") because she realizes that focusing on the cards is not the way to beat this guy. The best way is to make him mad by teasing what she has in her hand. Perhaps, Lady Gaga is playing poker with some badass dude, and she's realizing that poker is not about the cards or luck and intuition as she once thought, but more about playing a person's emotions and intimidation. So far the character development is pretty quick but not unbelievably quick.
Can't read my, Can't read my No he can't read my poker face (she's got me like nobody) Can't read my Can't read my No he can't read my poker face (she's got me like nobody)
Yes! I was right. She was thinking too much and worrying about his cards in the first verse, but now the tables have turned and she's got him worried.
[SCENE – Feeny’s classroom. Two girls, Barbara and Paige, stand in front of the classroom, giving a lecture of some sort. There is a large pitcher from the Phillies in front of them, and Paige holds a small beaker.]
Paige: In conclusion, some products we use every day cause extreme trauma to pro athletes… (Throws the contents of the beaker, which I cannot identify, into the pitcher's face, making the him scream in pain but seems to enjoy it.)
Barbara: (Continuing Paige’s thought) …cutting off oxygen and disrupting the brain activity. (Phillie drops to the floor and shakes violently.)
Feeny: (Sitting at his desk) Excellent report! Inspired visuals. (To the rest of the class) Next team! (Cory and Shawn stand, give high fives, go around the back of Feeny’s desk and Shawn pulls down his pants and thrusts at the back of Feeny's head. Feeny is unaware.)
Cory: How air pollution doesn't effect our everyday life.
Feeny: A'fucking-men.
Shawn: (He and Cory simultaneously take out pointers. He hits the map in the Gulf of Mexico) Denver. (Feeny moves his pointer to the correct location.)
Cory: (Slaps Iowa with his pointer) Philadelphia. (Like Shawn, Feeny corrects him.) Lying low in the Delaware basin, 250 feet above sea level.
Feeny: Mr Matthews what are you on today? (Makes crack smoking motions with his hands. Class laughs out of fear.)
Shawn: (Moves his pointer sharply to Yucatan) Denver. Clean crisp mountain air.
Cory: (Moves his pointer sharply to the middle of Mexico) Philadelphia. Clean crisp Industrial music capital of the world.
Shawn: (Moves his pointer stridently to the Texan coast) Mile High Stadium: home of the Colorado Rockies.
Cory: (Moves his pointer stridently to the Arkansas/Oklahoma border) Veterans Stadium: home of the best fucking franchise of all fucking time the Philadelphia Phillies. (Shaking pitcher huddled on the ground squeals with pleasure. He will be dead in a matter of minutes if nobody intervenes.)
Feeny: Oh, here we go…
Shawn: (He and Cory lean toward the class on Feeny’s desk.) The Rockies, a bogus expansion team, mind you, are averaging four more runs per game than anyone in the league… (Feeny slaps Cory in the face, hard. Cory stands shocked.)
Cory: Our theory is, if Philadelphia would increase its smoggy air, the ball would slice though the atmosphere with a greater velocity.
Shawn: Therefore the Phillies would score more runs.
Cory: And win every home game. The end. (He and Shawn simultaneous contract their pointers.) (To Feeny)Suck on that old man!
Feeny: You will at some point! You will suck my hard greying old British cock (pushing tongue against inner cheek and makes oral sex motions with hand and mouth.) Since your not of age yet I'll just only fantasize about while rubbing it gently under my desk....
Cory: (To Shawn) Stinks! (Taps Feeny’s shoulder like a buddy.)
Feeny: (Stands.)
Feeny: I let you choose your own partner. An astounding lapse of judgment for someone of my experience. I am going to let you try again, but this time I’ll choose the teams. Mr. Hunter, you’ll work with Mr. Minkus.
Shawn & Minkus: (Simultaneously slap their foreheads.)
Shawn:Minkus is a total fucking fag.
Feeny: (Licks his lips.) And Mr. Matthews…
Cory: Yeah, I’ll hook up with Mr. Sullivan. (Nods to his friend.)
Feeny: No, no. That’s worse. (Peers into his grade book on his desk) You’ll work with that sultry slut over there (points)...Miss Lawrence.
Topanga: (Sitting in front of Cory, turns to face him.) Give me your hand.
Cory: (Looking aroused.) Why?
Topanga: (Holds out her hand) I want to see if our energies converge. (Cory holds out his hand, Topanga licks his palm.)
Shawn: (Like a ghost.) Ooooooooh! What a f-rrrrreak! (Puts fingers in a V and sticks his tongue through.)
Topanga: (Closes Cory’s hand, then turns around.) He’s vibrationally acceptable.
Cory: (Stands, to Topanga, insincerely.) Thanks.
Feeny: (Sitting.) Looks like that tasty tart is into you, Mr. Matthews?
Feeny: (Sternly.) I’m Gibraltar.
Cory: (Pleadingly.) Come on, Mr. Feeny. Topanga’s, like, totally too much for me to handle.
Feeny: Sexual confidence is in the eye of the beholder, Mr. Matthews. I, for example, have a young neighbor who does it along with his little sister’s Barney records.
Cory: (After a long, stunned silence.) You hear that?
(Opening Credits)
[SCENE – The lunchroom. Cory goes to get a roll of refreshing Hall's cough drops from the vending machine when he overhears a conversation between Barbara and Paige.]
Paige: (To Barbara.) Why would I want to invite him to my party?
Barbara: (Shrugs.) What’s wrong with him?
Paige: He’s gross.
Cory: (Starts walking towards his and Shawn’s table, feeling his hair. He sits, looking at his reflection in a spoon, still feeling his hair.) (To Shawn.) What do you think of my hair?
Shawn: It's fierce.
Cory: Well… (Gestures to hair.) Would this qualify me as a nappy headed ho?
Shawn: Nah… (Feels Cory’s hair.) You’re more like a Nerf head. (Goes back to his lunch.)
Cory: You knew this and you didn’t tell me!?
Shawn: You got curly hair. Big deal. Honey, I wish I could have locks like yours.
Cory: Sure, it’s easy for you to talk. You got hair. I’m a bleached 1930 painting of a black person. (Resumes feeling his hair gets more and more intense.)
