20 Things I'd Rather do than see GI Joe

By Glenn

GI Joe is one of those "once in a lifetime" movies. Like the time I was robbed at knife point while shirtless in downtown Columbia, Missouri, I know that seeing GI Joe is something that will only happen once and never again - no matter how many times I walk the mean streets of North Dakota, shirtless. I've said this about a million times to anyone who will listen (a rapidly shrinking group), but I hate movies that are made to trick idiots into paying for something because it reminds them when they were younger. That isn't a good reason to pay for a movie any more than it is a good reason to reacquaint yourself with an older lover. Here are my 20 things I'd rather do than see the assuredly stupid GI Joe movie.

  1. Date another sociopath for a much longer time period.
  2. Drink 24 cans of Natty Light and then vomit in front of my parents.
  3. Do paid canvassing for a Evangelical conservative Republican in a primary for a state representative race in Utah.
  4. Sleep outdoors in a tent.
  5. Agree to write a 20 page research paper for a college friend "just to help him/her out."
  6. Take every single Facebook quiz in one day that I've seen since FB quizzes began.
  7. Relive the age of 10.
  8. Take a vow of abstinence from blogs for one year and instead just watch cable news.
  9. Try to carry on a conversation with someone who thinks the Earth is 6,000 years old.
  10. Be a contest on a "reality" TV dating show and not be able to use sarcasm.
  11. Choosing something to give up for Lent because I think it's important to my religious beliefs.
  12. Spend an entire day talking about politics, without ever revealing my own beliefs, with the guy that shouted pro-Bush statements during the Pearl Jam song "Bu$hleader" in the 2003 concert Brandon and I attended.
  13. Live on $1 a day, or whatever the standard of living is for someone who is in absolute poverty.
  14. Have a trust fund that keeps me from ever having to acknowledge the economic realities of people in this country or in the rest of the world.
  15. Write a "five star" review of the movie Tomcats.
  16. Get food poisoning once a month for the rest of my life.
  17. Watch one of my best friends be stabbed to death by a homeless man.
  18. Meet my birth parents, find out they're happily married with three kids, and have them tell me they thought they had gotten an abortion.
  19. Start eating meat after seven years of abstinence because "it really tastes good."
  20. Watch the GI Joe Cartoon completely unironically and get seriously into the plots of episodes and then make a case to a peer that they were rife with social commentary on the military-industrial complex.


  1. thanks for the tag!! i loved this. "Write a "five star" review of the movie Tomcats" is probably my favorite. how did you get it to have cool stripes?!

  2. The meat one is funny because when I became a vegetarian in high school Glenn was so mean to me about it. Also, I like that you provided a FUCKINGHUGE poster so we definitely know which movie it is.

  3. Awkwardness passes, regret doesn't.
    Carolyn Hax

  4. I like that you provided us with a huge poster so I can see those smoking babes and bad ass guns!

  5. The bigger the poster the better the movie.

  6. I must say, I don't find this list entirely believable no matter how bad the movie might be.


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