Tiger Woods' Attempted Spanish Language Apology


By Bub 

Today after delivering an English version of his apology, Tiger Woods attempted a Spanish language apology for the Latino community. Tiger Woods studied Spanish for three years in high school nearly a quarter century ago. He averaged a C-. The following is the English translation:

Good morning. I am Tiger of the Forest. Many persons are familiar with my golf match. The profession of sport is mine. I am a large entertainment to many blowing devices, but I am also a small rat. I am here today for that to say 'I feel it' to persons that feel bad from my sex. I have put my heart on the pants of many women. But the heart of my torso is placed upon the head of my wife. Elin is how you know her name. She is from very very north Germany. Her hair is yellow, and she has never placed violence upon me or my pants. It is bad when you say that tree driving is made by wife hits. It is false, and the people that say them are also false and have empty torsos.

Many of my friends have felt my sex to them. Well, not to them, but, for them... for them? They are not entertained by my sex not on my wife. Not that they are entertained by my sex on my wife, but they have unpleasant feelings about them when they watch in their head the sex I have made on beautiful night women.

I know that my statement of feeling is only as good as hamburger bread without hamburgers. I must make hamburger meat out of my actions, and ice out of my pants. Only then will my wife like my face and children will again yell at me for fun and ask me to write on their paper. So to Elin, my family, my friends, and yelling children; I am sorry, I have the smell of a dog, my heart is not a nice person in the past, please forgive me, and excuse me for the sex. God bless you and may you kiss heaven on the torso.

10 comments:

  1. This was very silly. Thanks Bub.

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  2. This is what it sounds like when I speak Spanish. One time I accidentally told a guy who wanted to help his wife immigrate to America that is was illegal to marry his cousin.

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  3. lol awesome...the article, not the fact that jake lol'd to your comment but lol to the fact that the article was in fact hilarious.

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  4. Everything is better when translated into another language than back to English. This is why I've been saying for years we need to adopt re-translated English as the "official" language of the US.

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  5. this is so funny. i spent so much time in high school on freetranslation.com translating passages from books and whatnot from english to spanish to english and laughing to myself.

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  6. I had to stop reading this halfway through the first paragraph because i was laughing so hard.

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  7. BTW, the blog IN GENERAL has been super funny and awesome these past few weeks. Have you (Jake or anyone) ever tried to do a weekly PR email and send it to a bunch of bigger blogs -- like maybe Gawker, Jezebel or whatever? Might drive some traffic if you can get linked to? I bet everybody would love this post in particular...

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