Tiger Woods' Attempted Spanish Language Apology

By Bub 

Today after delivering an English version of his apology, Tiger Woods attempted a Spanish language apology for the Latino community. Tiger Woods studied Spanish for three years in high school nearly a quarter century ago. He averaged a C-. The following is the English translation:

Good morning. I am Tiger of the Forest. Many persons are familiar with my golf match. The profession of sport is mine. I am a large entertainment to many blowing devices, but I am also a small rat. I am here today for that to say 'I feel it' to persons that feel bad from my sex. I have put my heart on the pants of many women. But the heart of my torso is placed upon the head of my wife. Elin is how you know her name. She is from very very north Germany. Her hair is yellow, and she has never placed violence upon me or my pants. It is bad when you say that tree driving is made by wife hits. It is false, and the people that say them are also false and have empty torsos.

Many of my friends have felt my sex to them. Well, not to them, but, for them... for them? They are not entertained by my sex not on my wife. Not that they are entertained by my sex on my wife, but they have unpleasant feelings about them when they watch in their head the sex I have made on beautiful night women.

I know that my statement of feeling is only as good as hamburger bread without hamburgers. I must make hamburger meat out of my actions, and ice out of my pants. Only then will my wife like my face and children will again yell at me for fun and ask me to write on their paper. So to Elin, my family, my friends, and yelling children; I am sorry, I have the smell of a dog, my heart is not a nice person in the past, please forgive me, and excuse me for the sex. God bless you and may you kiss heaven on the torso.

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The World Post, New Millenium Edition

By Bub 


John Gosselin was in the news this week, seen here attending the Down-Syndrome Elvis Convention in Branson, Missouri.



Republican Senate candidate in Illinois, Andy Martin, accused his main opponent Mark Kirk of being a homosexual. Martin then went on to declare his opponent an advanced degree-holder and a non-racist.



Here is a recent photo of attempted terrorist Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab. The FBI wanted to put Abulmutallab on the no-fly list prior to the infamous incident based on a new but until then unproven theory - 'terrorists don't iron'. Once again civil liberties groups sided with the terrorists.



Barack Obama tries to convince Taye Diggs to serve as Secretary of Sexiness.



Levi Johnston explains why he loves the band Journey so much while Bristol Palin glances past him to a 'Don't Tread On Me' flag waving Ted Nugent.



Former Congressman Mark Foley was asked this week his thoughts on the Republican alternative to health care reform. After several attempts, Foley finally took his chin from his hand, shook himself out of a daze and replied, "Where are the unattended gay children?"



A baby learned this week why American President Jesus called her Daddy up to the big battle in the sky. When told Jesus was born in Israel not America the mother demanded to see His birth certificate.




Tyra Banks said goodbye to daytime TV this week. "She'll be missed" said Sports Illustrated from fifteen years ago.



Vladimir Putin emerged from his underwater catacomb upon learning of a nearby Jonas Brothers concert.



Lady Gaga implores a new generation to not be deceived by the pseudoscience of chiropractic practitioners. "I may have a Poker Face, but I cannot hide my disdain for the dubious medical benefits afforded by chiropractic treatment."



Iranian dissidents took to the street this week during the holy day Ashura. Demonstrators can be seen here defiantly protesting burning-street-garbage.



Charlie Sheen was arrested for domestic violence this week which tied in with a recent Two and a Half Men story line where Sheen teaches his nephew why women are worthless and worthy of physical violence.



And finally Tiger Woods is good at golf and devastated by his personal failings in his family life. What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa Claus' life isn't ruined by visiting every woman's bedroom in one night. But in case that was too much of a groaner, the real difference: Santa Claus is a eunuch. He has no genitalia to perpetrate adultery with.

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