Hot Rod's Guide to Oil Spills

By Hot Rod 

Oil spills are mother nature's way of getting oil all over everything. 'Mother nature' is what I call British Petroleum. A couple weeks ago something happened in the sea where Sarah Palin was digging for oil and all of a sudden a big oil ghost the size of Africa came out of the Earth and flooded New Orleans just like Hurricane Katrina. That's why I always say it's not a good idea to dig if you don't call Julie and ask her where the ghosts live. I'm not sure why they didn't just drill, like when they used to say 'drill baby drill'. I loved that. I say all kinds of things that way now, by taking a word, repeating it and sticking 'baby' in the middle. Just think how much more fun it is to say 'mustard, baby, mustard', than it is to say, 'all I have to eat is mustard'.

That's the secret for getting oil - you gotta drill. You can't just blow up oil rigs and fill the ocean with petroleum. Fish don't even drive cars yet. If you drill for the oil then it comes out of the Earth calmly and orderly like in a fire drill. I usually cry during fire drills, but that's just cuz my mom used to beat me whenever she heard a loud noise. Oil is a lot tougher and had better parents, so it can just deal with it and jump into oil barrels like a man. I tried to jump into an oil barrel once and it didn't go so well. But my cousin recorded it and we sent the video to the Jackass guys, and they liked it so much they sent back a box of poop.

So oil is getting all over stuff, that's not good. But Rush Limbaugh said that the ocean will just take care of it because it's as natural as the ocean water, I think he was talking about a tsunami. Anyway that's the good news. Once the ocean eats all the oil it will grow back all of the destroyed wetlands and bring all the animals back to life. I tried to bring a dead cat back to life down at the railyard, but I just ended up getting mustard everywhere. The dead cat lives under my bed now next to the box of poop.

Here are some easy tips to prevent oil spills in the future:

Take your meds. I know I always get shaky when I forget to take my meds, or when I don't take my meds on purpose so I'll be angry enough to mow the lawn. When you're shaky you spill things. When you spill things, things get spilled. It's that simple. Take your meds, oil rigs.

Hire Africa ladies. I saw on the Discovery channel before that some ladies in Africa carry big things of water on top of their heads. It seems like if you carry things higher the less likely it is that they will spill. Also the Africa ladies have really good balance because they have to walk carefully so they don't get AIDS. Just have all the Africa ladies carry the oil barrels on their heads. That way everyone wins, because the oil doesn't get spilled, and there are a lot more nutrients in oil than there is in water to feed the starving Africans.

Perform an exorcist. One of the most common pitfalls in oil extraction is the ghost attack. People are too busy in this modern world with their ipads and their microwaves to worry about ghosts. Well, Mr. scientist what do you think powers all of your modern devices? That's right, oil. And you have to fight an army of ghosts to get it. Hire a team of exorcisors to combat this problem before it gets out of hand. If you don't, you'll end up with a situation like we have today where ghosts are running rampant and throwing oil on all of the seagulls.

Smoke pot. Abraham Lincoln always used to say 'Live. Laugh. Love' and he smoked pot. I think if we all smoked pot the world would be a better place because we would laugh a lot more; we would love a lot more, especially things like mustard sandwiches; and we would live a lot more because marijuana cures all of those diseases. It may not especially help us to not spill oil, but when I smoke pot the ghosts that usually harass me and tell me to commit acts of violence, chill out and go sit in the corner and read Dr. Seuss books. It makes me jealous because I wish I could read.

Use alternative energy. If we did this then we wouldn't need oil or the evil ghosts that accompany it. People use a lot of windmills and turbines and things to harness naturally occurring energy sources. One thing that I would invent is a punching bag generator. The way it would work is that you pour oil into the spout at the top and then punch the punching bag until the oil turns into wind. I know it's a little far-fetched, but we're talking about the future. We have the technology, all we need is the courage.

There you go my courageous oil spillers. Keep your gullets clean and your ghosts buried far beneath the sea. Until next time, I'll be stealing mustard packets from the Dairy Queen to feed to my pet cat, Bleedy.


  1. i guess the only question to ask: why aren't you in the president's cabinet?

  2. This is so hilarious.

    "We have the technology, all we need is the courage." sounds like the tag line to a movie about Intergalactic Robot Pilots (The IRP).

    Lots of great lines in this one and even a few good ideas, especially the ones involving getting rid of ghosts.