One Year In Texas Talk 6-09-10

By Nate 

One Year In Texas Talk is an answering machine we have set up to our OYIT hotline. Please call in and leave an anonymous message. If we deem it worthy, it will show up in this weekly piece. Tell us what's on your mind. It doesn't even have to pertain to the website!

So it's been a few weeks since I posted which means our machine is full. My sincerest apologies for anyone trying to call-in over the last week to talk about the Gore's breaking up, Rush Limbaugh's wedding, Blanch Lincoln's contrived southern accent, or Helen Thomas' remarks on Israel. If you call back this week, I promise to post old topics next week!

In the meantime, the whale post from last month has set off a raging debate!

Thinking Outside-of-the-Box

Thank God OYIT is providing a forum for outside-of-the-box thinking! That whale idea is stupendous, and I want to add to it. You know that oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico that's killing all the wildlife in the ocean? Well let's save those whales and pelicans and take them to the Great Lakes. The best part of this is that we can do it on BP's dime! This is totally in the realm of "legitimate claims" that that limy CEO is talking about. Plus, a revitalization of Michigan's car industry economy will only help BP in the long run.

Are You Serious?

This site was developing a pretty solid reputation and then you go and post shit by anonymous callers who want to put whales in the fucking Great Lakes and kill all the Muslims! Are you serious? You're just having a laugh at the dopes' expense. It's not funny. It's sad. You people are sick. I mean, salting the Great Lakes? Hello? That would do more damage than this damn oil spill ever could to the Gulf! Sit down and take this history lesson I am about to shove down your throats: after the Romans defeated Carthage in the Third Punic War they FUCKING SALTED THE FIELDS OF NORTHERN AFRICA SO NOTHING WOULD GROW!!! Salt the waters of the Great Lakes and you won't have to worry about Michigan's next governor being Canadian: he will be Momar Qadhafi!

Legalize it!

Yeah, did y'all see that clip on the internet about the SWAT team in Missouri that invaded that house and shot them dogs? Well that was pretty stupid I think. If y’all legalize marijuana, you wouldn’t have to call a SWAT team out to eradicate it and shoot innocent dogs and terrorize innocent people. Thank you. Legalize marijuana.

Context for our readers:

Another History Lesson

I think we ought to learn our lesson back in the Revolutionary War, when we fought those stinkin’, dirty British. Maybe we wouldn’t have British Petroleum spreading the biggest oil slick in the world. And we Americans should get it through our head that that’s the reason all the Muslims hate Americans — because those stinkin’ Brits over there steal everything they can get their hands on. And if there is a tea party, I damn sure don’t belong to it.

A "Colorblind" Racist?

I’m Irish. My relatives came here from Ireland in the 1800s. The only natives here are the Indians. Everybody else has an immigrant family, but we’re legal. That’s the complaint here. It’s not that they’re Mexican or Iranian or Japanese or any other race. It’s people coming here illegally. Why does that have to be spelled out like people are second-graders? These people should go through the right channels and get their papers.

Mother of All Conspiracies

Hello, Texas Talk? Yeah, I was thinking the other day when I was at the capitol building with my local group of Tea Partiers from Charleston, South Carolina, uh, you might remember the city where the first shot of the Civil War was fired at Fort Sumpter? Yeah, we'll do it again. Anyway, we was there protesting the government take over of our Medicare and Veterans' Hospitals and our Kenyan-born president when it hit me like a buckin' burrow: BP put Obama into office so they could blow up their oil rig and get away with it. Think about it. Kenya was under British control when Obama was born there. BP used to be called British Petroleum. The Brits kidnapped this Obama kid, took him to Hawaii and printed those birth announcements. They made sure he went to them Ivy League schools. How else could a poor, black kid get into those schools? Obama is the Welsh Candidate, if you've heard of that commie movie. I prefer Frank Sinatra to Denzel Washington myself, but the remake with that character as a black only makes more sense now. Don't you see? Orly Taitz is only scratching the surface. We shouldn't be worried about a Chinese flag waving over the USA. We need to worry about the Union Jack!

This photo arrived in our mailbag about the same time we received his call. He must have sent it in.


  1. I like how Obama's name is in quotation marks. Does the guy think he changed his name from something more ethnic, like Bradley Edward Smithton IV?

  2. This is so funny. This is a homerun in every sense of the word, except for it's literal baseball meaning.

  3. lol @ the 'Colorblind' Racist (and Keelin's comment). I love Texas Talk, that's why I called in to have that whale debate with myself.

  4. I love this post. I actually LOL in the past tense.

  5. i literally just started bawling watching that swat video. now i have to redo my makeup. thanks, n8!