Good Morning Whales

By Keelin 

Good morning, whales. Yes, you! Now stop eating all that plankton and listen up. I read today that the Gulf Oil spill has claimed its first cetacean victim, something that article refers to as "a juvenile sperm whale" but for short, we here at OYIT will just call Bob. No doubt Bob is just the first of many whale-victims of the oil spill so I wanted to reach out to the whale community before it's too late. Plus Sarah Palin has instructed all Americans to stop talking about her breast implants and "save a whale or something." It was too late to save Bob, but surely this proclamation can help the rest of you out!

Today's Whale Forecast

I'm not gonna lie, dudes, it looks bad. There's a lot of oil swishing around and a hurricane could sweep through and froth it all up to the surface at any moment. On a positive note, the Florida tourism board assures me the state's beaches are still clean enough for drinking and taking your top off.

Today's Whale Fact

Whales are descended from land-living mammals who returned to the sea millions of years ago. To which I say: why don't you guys just get out of the water? There's less oil and way more good TV shows here on land.

Today's Prediction

In a reversal of her previous advice, Sarah Palin will start gunning down whales from a helicopter lent to her by Gov. Charlie Crist. The wolves of Alaska will let out a sigh of relief before Todd Palin runs them down with a snow machine.


  1. Fantastic Keelin! And to think, I almost made a reference to you and spanking when I posted this on Facebook.

    Also, I really wish I didn't find Sarah Palin attractive. It's my greatest shame.

  2. I want to live back underwater! I want to asphyxiate on crude oil!! Whales have ALL the fun!!!

  3. That dead whale was so juvenile.

    Also, I have a feeling that the OYIT hotline is about to light up and fill the answering machine with more whale debate messages...

  4. haha. i loved this. whales are my new favorite animal. thanks keelin!

  5. Whales are the Arby's of Texas Talk.

  6. This was such a great article that I mistook it for porn at first...

  7. What a bunch of tree huggin hippy communists.

  8. I like what Ryan said even if Anonymous was "trolling" us.