The Space Marine from DOOM, as written by...



By Bryan

The Space Marine from DOOM as written by Ingmar Bergman

I feel this sensation, this sensation of being alone, isolated, among these hordes. The very presence of the demonic lends credence to existence of the divine, but how, Lord, how could you have created such monstrous beings to torment me? What have I done to justify such punishment, when I have been your loyal servant all these years throughout the Martian crusade? I have stricken these beasts down by my own hand in your name, but at what cost? What has this done to me, to my very soul, to do such horrible deeds in your holy name? The possessed are my very companions; it is their faces I have blown away with the shotgun you have entrusted to me. It is only by your will that I am not among them. Why, Lord, why have you chosen me to be the instrument of your wrath, to rout the very souls I used to call friend? When will you be satisfied? When the very humanity that separates me from these beasts is destroyed by the very acts I must commit to survive? Well, Lord, I refuse. I refuse to play your game any longer. I choose escape, and I choose it by my own hand, not yours, Lord.

The Space Marine from DOOM as a tweet from Kanye West

just blew the head off what USED to be old friend Kenny... Awwwwkward LOL!!!!! man killin these demons is the only shit I'm on latly!


The Space Marine from DOOM as written by Karl Marx

Finally, the ultimate dream of workers as Capital has been realized: the very members of the proletariat I worked side by side with have been turned into the tools used to destroy this collective we once worked so hard together to complete. These hordes, controlled by some unknown hand of the Bourgeois, have turned my once noble comrades into the exact tools of our very oppression. My only comfort is the fact that with every beast I vanquish, I release them from the bonds this very system has enshackled them within. Yet at the same time I must wonder why, as I destroy each enemy, am I compelled to search for ever more extravagant weapons to complete my work? Why is my simple pistol not enough to finish my mission? Why do I desire something greater from my means of destruction? What has this perversion of our proletariat done to my once noble desires? And why must there be two barrels when one should suffice?

The Space Marine from DOOM as written by William Faulkner

My chaingun is a fish.

The Space Marine from DOOM as written by Bret Easton Ellis

No idea what was in that health kit but seeing red and just feeling rage since taking it. Every time I punch one of these fucks in the face the blood spatter and gore flies on to what was once an immaculate glowing blue power-armor and I just get even more pissed. I pull out my chainsaw and start to split the imp's head open: I get a little bit of resistance at the skull, but once I hit brain tissue the matter and flesh starts flying back at me with every chain revolution. I keep cutting, past the brain, past the mouth, past the neck, all the way down the torso, splitting it in half at the crotch. Some of the brain tissue flung into my mouth, but I chew on it a little and keep going.

The Space Marine from DOOM as written by Christine O'Donnell

I TOLD YOU ALL THAT THIS IS WHAT WOULD HAPPEN, BUT NOOOOO, I'M JUST CRAZY!!! WHO'S CRAZY NOW??? HAVE FUN WAITING A WEEK TO BUY A BFG-9000! LOOK AT ALL OF THESE DEMONS THAT AREN'T REAL! HAH! WITCHCRAFT IS HARMLESS, RIGHT? YEAH, AND SO IS MASTURBATION!!!

4 comments:

  1. This is great. I have never played DOOM! But I still thought this was really funny.

    ReplyDelete
  2. That's the thing about my articles. They appeal to a wide base. From those who have never played DOOM, to those who have never read books.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Everyone on this site has read at least one book!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Jiangsu yaxing chain co., LTD. (AsAc) is a professional engaged in Marine cable and Marine welding anchor chain production enterprise, and it is China's Marine cable and Marine mooring chain production and export base, is the world's one of the largest in the industry, the most has the comprehensive strength of the modern enterprise.

    ReplyDelete