One Week In-tertainment (4-03-10)

By Jake 

Not all that much news this week, and sadly most of it is about Sandra Bullock and her idiot husband.

Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler took a Parisian cruise. Not really new, but I gotta get an Aniston story in somewhere.

There is still no news on when Sandra Bullock's husband's mistress will get a reality show.

Ricky Martin came out of the closet, shocking the entire continent of North America.

Sandra Bullock has no plans to adopt Jesse James' kids. This is another great jump in logic by People.com.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt said they aren't splitting up. I give it 8 months.

Jesse James has checked into a (sex) rehab center. If you need to go to rehab for sex you're living your life wrong.

Nick Jonas and Selena Gomez have split up. I know all the ladies out there were waiting for this news.

There's a rumor going around that Charlie Sheen is going to quit 2.5 Men.

Apparently Twilight fans are now called twi-hards. There are definitely things I hate about America.

KTz Preview Reviewz

By Katy



  • The Greatest [limited] (Rated R for soul-sucking sadness).

    • Synopsis: Pierce Brosnan and Susan Sarandon star as Allen and Grace Brewer; a couple whose family is on the verge of collapse from the death of their oldest son. Only a few months after his passing, a girl named Rose shows up to their door claiming to be pregnant with his child. The Brewer's accept the girl into their home, and while her presence in their lives brings on a lot of grief and struggle, they eventually come to find her, a salvation, of sorts.

    KTz Take: It sounds all right, I guess... if you like that "our son died and now some random girl we don't know is showing up on our front steps claiming to be pregnant with our son's kid and we'll just take that at face value and let her into our home" kinda movie. As for me, I prefer to stay away from child deaths... I have to watch enough grieving families in real life every time I turn on MTV.

  • Leaves of Grass [limited] (Rated R. Everything is rated R. This world is harsh).

    • Synopsis: Susan Sarandon is in this movie, too! More importantly, so is Edward Norton. Professor Bill Kincaid (Norton) is one of a set. He returns home to Oklahoma to bury his twin brother (Edward Norton) only to discover his brother faked his death in order to lure Bill into a drug plot. Somehow, Bill is implicated in a murder and sentenced to remain in Oklahoma indefinitely, a fate worse than Fox denying Jay-Z air time. I don't know what happens after this, but apparently this is suppose to be funny.

    KTz Take: I heart Edward Norton and if this is suppose to be someone comedic, then I can't see how it won't be anything but awesome. I find it highly unlikely that it'll come to a theatre in Cedar Rapids so I'll have to throw it on Netflix or fly to LA and watch it with Glenn.

  • Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married Too (Rated PG-13 so teens can learn how chaotically dramatic and hilarious life really is).

    • Synopsis: This is a sequel to Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married. Apparently not enough teens saw the first one and he wants to continue pointing out why marriage is a commitment not to be taken lightly, or at all. Four couples of good friends get together in the Bahamas to catch up on marriage and life until something terrible happens. Sheila's ex husband shows up, randomly, to the Bahamas, to destroy Sheila's new marriage and win her back. This starts an onslaught of doubt throughout the other marriages on the island and everyone gets a divorce and cats.

    KTz Take: Someone once made me watch parts of Diary of a Mad Black Woman. Tyler Perry really isn't for me. Maybe I'm just a bigot that can't relate to the struggles of upper-class African American families, or maybe I just can't relate to marriage. But the main reason I'm avoiding this movie is because I'm furious with the complete lack of grammatical oversight in the title. And I'm a movie snob. In fact, I've been considering a new title for the article "Reviews from a Snob." Not flashy or amusing, but honest and to the point. Thoughts? ANY THOUGHTS?

  • Clash of the Titans (Rated PG-13 for awesomeness for all ages... over 13).

    • Synopsis: Perseus (Sam Worthington), that dude who stole up Andromeda, is rockin' this whole war thing between Hades (Ralph Fiennes) and Zeus (Liam Neeson). He gathers some gents to join him on a quest to stop the unrighteous overthrow of the earth and the "good" gods. He was raised by a man, so he totally doesn't understand anything about being omnipotent and super powerful but he needs to get over it cuz he really needs his godly powers to win this thing. How will it end...?

    KTz Take: I'm going to see this movie on Sunday, possibly. It's going to be epic and possibly awesome, I'm not sure. My boyfriend (sorry fellas) has suggested I watch the original, but I'm totally going to do that after I see this newly updated version with tons of special effects before I sit, staring through the films of the past. I hope I can still appreciate it. I do like mythology. Plus, check out this crazy cast! Sam Worthington as Perseus? Actually, I've never seen anything with Sam Worthington in it so I guess I don't have much to comment on... but Liam Neeson as Zeus? Move over Morgan Freeman, there's a new go-to-god in town!

    April Fool's Day: Don't Do It

    By Glenn 


    Last year, One Year in Texas wrote an April Fool's article that was responsible for countless deaths and even more countless confused faces. You see, the history of April Fool's Day is a history of lies and deception. Every year on the first day of the fourth month of the year, America experiences what it would be like to live with Sarah Palin as your President. It's not a pleasant prospect. Everything about the holiday makes sense in theory: practical jokes, persecution of Armenians and laughter/confusion. In fact, the earliest recorded association between April 1 and foolishness can be found in Chaucer's Canterbury Tales (1392). The Canterbury Tales is one of the most exciting, well-written books I have ever read. Nothing gets me going like things from the Fourteenth Century. Yet how can something so precious and so ancient be turned into the twisted, grotesque day we are forced to endure every year around the beginning of the baseball season?

    My first experience with April Fool's Day came when I was in third grade at Southwest Elementary School in Illinois. A group of friends and I, dubbing ourselves the "Gang of Four" (in honor of the band we all loved and listened to always), were conspiring on the best way to play a practical joke on our teacher Mrs. Roeder. A few ideas were proposed and then subsequently disregarded as too childish, including putting a whoopie cushion on her chair.

    We decided instead to make believe - with faux newspaper clippings, a taped "radio broadcast" and first hand testimony - that the victims of the Challenger explosion had been found alive and well, hiding in a field nearby where the spaceship had exploded a few years earlier. We spent weeks in preparation for this joke and it really paid off when Mrs. Roeder started crying tears of happiness. Apparently a teacher friend of hers had died on the Challenger and she was overjoyed to find out that her good friend was alive. Those tears of joy turned into screams of anger when she found out we were just joking. She yelled at us, "You can't play with people's emotions just for your own Entertainment!" She was right.

    I stopped doing April Fool's tricks on people after that and stopped listening to Gang of Four. However, my bad experiences would continue. My sophomore year of high school I had two classes with and a locker nearby a girl. We'll call her "Brandi" as a pseudonym for this article as I'm sure most of my high school class reads OYIT. Brandi was relatively popular, cute, funny and intelligent. She was in four honors classes; I was only in two. I talked to her occasionally but not often because at that age I was terrified of females for very different reasons than now.

    On the first day of April, Brandi walked over to me at my locker before first period and asked if I wanted to go on a date that evening. I had never been asked out on a date before! I played coy, but said yes. She said I should come over to her house around 6:00 and we could decide what to do from there. Feeling it was too good to be true, I didn't tell any of my friends and held onto the silent joy thinking as soon as I verbalized it it would disappear.

    I did however race home and tell everyone in the wrestling chat room where I spent most of my time online. They were supportive, but more interested in what was happening on WCW Monday Nitro next week. One of them suggested it was probably an April Fool's joke, which I brushed off like dandruff I usually had. Then I decided to break up with my online girlfriend so that if anything happened with Brandi, it could happen with a clean conscience. She was understanding, but again more interested in what was happening on WCW Monday Nitro next week.

    I put on the nicest pair of pants I owned and put on the nicest nWo t-shirt I owned before driving over to her house. When I got there my heart was pounding with anticipation. Was I finally going to have this "sex" that all the boys kept talking about? Would I finally have someone to watch Monday Nitro with? I wrote those questions down on a piece of paper instead of just thinking them, so I would never forget my emotions at this exact moment. Call me a little Bob Graham, but when you are on the verge of what you think are momentous occasions in your life, you have to chronicle everything. I rang the doorbell and waited. No response. I rang it again, this time using a different finger. Still no response. Dejected I walked back to my door and my mind started envisioning the worst possible scenarios. Ultimately I concluded the worst of all: it was all an April Fool's joke. What a fool I had been! This cursed holiday had ruined my life once again.

    The next day at school I found out Brandi had died in a car accident the previous evening. When I rang the doorbell her entire family was probably at the hospital. I felt relieved but deep down will always think it was going to be an April Fool's joke on me that just wasn't realized. The moral of this story and this entire article is that life is short -- too short to trick people into thinking things that aren't true. That is the most despicable kind of comedy/humor, that which rests on deception. This is one of the reasons Jerry Seinfeld is one of my favorite comedians and his new show "The Marriage Ref" is my favorite television show of all time. It's all based on real things! No one has to die for someone else to laugh. So please, on this April Fool's Day, don't pull a joke on anyone. It might be your last.

    Drill, Baby, Drill!!

    By Jake 

    Much to Glenn's delight, I have taken up paying attention to the American political scene. It's not as fun as when I paid attention the Quad Cities' hardcore scene, but at least I haven't got punched in the face yet.

    I heard that Obama wants to do some offshore drilling. I don't like this. I am inherently against anything Sarah Palin was for (including birthing retards).

    I also heard that Obama wants to open more nuclear power plants. What year is this, 1982?

    Also, is anybody attending the take your guns to Washington rally? We need a correspondent.

    This is what I ate for dinner last night


    Some More Pictures (Hey, I'm not going to waste all my good material in a GM)






    Don't believe anything you read on the internet today. It's April Fool's day.

    Thank you kindly and have a great day.

    Good Morning Passover

    By Glenn 

    Good morning, my Jewish brothers and sisters, or should I say "Shalom." Today is the third day of Passover, the traditional holiday that we all use to celebrate the liberation of our people from slavery in ancient Egypt. The foundation for this holiday is best represented in the film "The Ten Commandments" with Charlton Heston, a movie ABC used to show and I used to watch as a child every year around Easter. Was this another attempt by the NRA to brainwash legions of young children or the manifestation of my desire to, decades later, attend my first Passover Seder? The latter.

    [If you aren't Jewish I hope you didn't read that. And if you are I hope you did.]


    Today's Weather

    God is mad and today's weather is not going to be good. All of you Californians are so upset when it rains once every two months? Enjoy some fucking frogs. I hope all of my friends who are thankful the Red River didn't flood North Dakota realize that their enslavement of the White Cloud buffalo is going to turn that river into its name. Enjoy some fucking blood. Finally for all you that use farming as a way to stay in touch with the land and avoid a miserable existentially vague existence in one of our suburban cores, god is mad at you too. Enjoy some fucking locusts. The moral of the story is that you shouldn't piss off god AND that most weather we experience is really not as bad as it could be.


    Today's Mormon Encroachment
    Hugh Hewitt, right-wing person, said that William Lobdell was a bigot since he said he had problems with Mormonism. He said this literally in front of me at an Americans United for Separation of Church and State event, but that doesn't make me buy his argument any more than I otherwise would believe anything from a person of his ilk. Mormons are trying to co-opt Passover:
    Brigham Young University has hosted Seders open to the public for nearly 40 years, and this year's Provo Passover is its fourth in a row.

    "I think this is an undeveloped area of our religion. It's our history, and we've lost it," Palmer said. "It's an important tradition to a lot of people in the world, and I'd like to understand it better."

    The relationship between the faiths has been strained over the Mormon practice of posthumous baptisms, which have included the baptism of Jews killed in Nazi concentration camps.
    Oh man, that is classic Mormonism! Those knuckleheads are always baptizing people killed in concentration camps and those who died from injuries sustained in backyard wrestling. If we want to keep Passover pure, we can't let anyone but Jews celebrate it!


    Today's New Passover Tradition
    Every Passover my family and I created one more tradition to add onto the already brilliant traditions that have been passed down from our Jewish ancestors for exactly 6,000 years. The Seder itself is a great exercise in collective effervescence and mutual respect. Dipping the parsley in salt water to represent the tears is great but how about a new tradition to reflect our modern times? For this year's Passover, it's time to take advantage of all that Catholic baby blood you've been storing in the basement after the ritualistic sacrifice Yahweh demands. Put it on your front door! This is similar to what the Hebrews did during Passover 6,000 years ago and it worked then. Let's add it to our family's traditions. Who says you can't perfect perfection?


    Today's Prediction
    The State of Israel will file a lawsuit against my family and I in International Court of Justice (or as I ignorantly call it "World Court") for infringing upon the Jewish trademarked Passover traditions. Vatican City will file a similar lawsuit against me for supporting the murder of Catholic infants in jest on a website. Finally, the Mormon Church will sue in local family court in order to have me posthumously baptized. When I present my defense of me still being alive, they will rush to settle. My initial offer will be to replace the Book of Mormon with William Lobdell's Losing My Religion. Lead Counsel for the Church, Mitt Romney, will accept.

    Debate: Baths vs. Showers

    By Jake & Glenn 

    Since the conception of the One Year in Texas debate article, Glenn and I have strived to tackle only the hardest-hitting, most controversial and relatable topics imaginable. Between health care, existential philosophy and the existence of an afterlife, this series has tackled the questions that have plagued humanity for 6,000 years. Now we tackle the most fundamental of all: baths or showers? Everybody has taken both a bath and a shower in order to rid themselves of bodily odor and oils. Being cleansed by water is one of the great joys of life. If you're a Christian then you believe that you can't get into heaven without being baptized (a type of bath that cleanses your putrid baby soul). So as the topics of afterlife, the nature of our being and water converge, let us decide what is the best way to clean yourself literally and figuratively.

    Jake: If we don't want to end up catching the bubonic plague we must schedule regular cleansings for ourselves. This is one of the sad ironies of life. Children hate to bathe, but adults can't get enough of it. It's the only time we don't have to deal with our children, lovers or bosses. regular cleanings have saved more marriages than Viagra has costed.

    I would like to go on record as stating that showers are the ultimate way to rid yourself of dirt, grime and grit. In a bath you're literally stewing in your own wretched filth. You're also wasting gallons of water that could otherwise be used to water beautiful flowers you could place upon your murdered mother's grave. Showers are a religious experience. I often find myself on my knees while showering, even sometimes when I'm alone in it! I don't have the time to fill up a bathtub and then to sit in it for several hours wondering why the water will not go down the drain. I can't even figure out how to properly take a bath. I searched the internet for tips and the only search result that turned up was this very article expressing my bath taking befuddlement. If this is the world you want to live in, Glenn, then you go right ahead.

    Glenn: I'm not going to hang here upside down and try to argue that showers are awful. They aren't. I shower. Jake showers. Even serial adulterers like Senator John Ensign (R-NV) shower. As we get older and have more things to do in a busy day - such as cheating on your wife - showers become the defacto method of cleansing. The value of a bath isn't that it's the most time efficient but rather that it's the most emotionally cathartic. I can't even tell you the number of times I've drawn a bath and slipped into it slowly with the full intention of cutting my wrists. But once I'm actually in there I realize that things aren't as bad as they seem. Jake is right about how adults like showers because they are an escape from our lives but a bath is like finding a whole new life. Sometimes I pretend I'm the Queen of Egypt or a reporter for the Los Angeles Times. In a shower, the unrelenting stream of scalding hot water burns your skin and inhibits your mind from truly checking out and gaining a whole new perspective on life. Baths are my LSD.

    Jake: Glenn is right about one thing: baths are associated with violence. You would never slit your wrists in a shower because your bff called you shallow, would you? Nobody has ever heard of a blood shower, but everybody has heard of a blood bath. I refuse to take part in anything that has such a long history of unnecessary violence, which is why I never vote for republicans. Showers are only associated with great things: gold, jewels and rain. I've never been bathed with jewels, but I've been showered with them. A rain bath has never made the grass on your mother's grave grow, but rain showers keep it vibrant and green. You can't drown a cat in a shower! Nothing bad is associated with showers, only with baths.

    Glenn: Nothing bad is associated with showers? I'm going to go back on what I said and insult showers because I feel like, as a Republican who supports violence, I have been insulted. Perhaps you're forgetting the greatest murder scene of all time: **SPOILER ALERT** Norman Bates stabbing Janet Leigh's character in Psycho. That is a scene that simply could not have happened in a bath. In a shower there's much noise, and a curtain hanging perfectly to display a murderer's silhouette. I don't know if this is the fate Jake wishes for our female readers, but this is why I do not know a single woman who takes a shower without holding a knife herself. The worst thing that happens to a woman in a bathtub is dropping her laptop in it.

    Jake: If we disregard the violence aspect of baths (which is very hard for me to do) there is still plenty of horrible atrocities associated with baths. If you stay in a bathtub for an extended period of time you get all pruney like a raisin. Perhaps this is Glenn's idea of sexy. I wouldn't know, we're both men and we never share our feelings with each other. We just talk about the "chicks" we'd like to "bang." Pruning is not the only frightening thing about taking a bath, you could also drown if you fall asleep. I dare you to fall asleep during a shower. It's impossible! A bath is too relaxing. It's like liquid Ambien. Let's not even mention the candles that you have lit, which are just begging to set your house on fire leaving you and your father dead and buried next to your mother.

    Glenn: This is getting too far away from which is better to which is worse. What Jake says is bad about baths, I think is good. I don't need my friend to steal me Ketamine from her veterinary job because I can just take a bath with the same effects. Why is it that children - our most pure judges of value and character - prefer baths to shower? There's something more innate to the idea of cleansing yourself in a pool of water. The concept of a shower wasn't even invented until 1883, which was the same year the concept of eugenics also came into being. Showers represent something we're forced to do as we get older and have less time to enjoy our cleansing. We spend so much of our adult lives trying to get back to the things we loved as children: cartoons, diapers, unrelentingly cruel bullying behavior. A bath is the ultimate way to feel a connection with all of humanity. Just don't pee in it!

    Life With Mikey [3-29-10]

    By Mikey 

    I just got done watching the Karate Kid. Great film, but I don't get why anybody would want to catch a fly with a pair of chopsticks. I would just try to kill it with a fly swatter.



    Can somebody explain the rules of hopscotch to me?

    Bill Cosby is the second best person who has ever lived after Jesus Christ.

    Italy might be boot-shaped, but if I ever go there I'm only bringing shoes.

    I have never seen a waterfall in person.

    When is the next Ghost Rider movie coming out?

    Even if somebody told me possum meat was great, I still think I'd pass on it.

    Barbies might set the bar too high for girls, but GI Joe might set the bar too low for guys.

    I cannot get enough of Sinbad's latest special.

    Ziggy is my main inspiration.

    I'd be honored to be called a hockey puck by Don Rickles, but it would still probably hurt my feelings.

    Japan has a lot of cartoons about robots. I wonder why that is.

    The jokes on Laffy Taffy are bad, but they're better than no jokes at all. That's why I don't buy Butterfingers.

    Capoeira is so cool. It's better than dancing and better than fighting, yet it's somehow both.

    Monday Morning Brown Out


    By James 

    Good morning, readers. I have been away from Iowa City the last two Mondays, and also away from the world wide web, and I would like to graciously thank Glenn for covering those Monday morning posts. If you must know, I was visiting my girlfriend, Eliza, in Massachusetts, a state without internet and electricity--for the planet, I'm told. We went on a New England road trip, where I tried to snap photos of mooses, and also tried to understand why every house in Vermont is caving in and filled with junk, whilst inhabited by many a freedom loving Vermonter. I would like to thank Glenn for covering my Good Morning posts.

    While in Massachusetts, I tried to get an interview with the freshman senator from Massachusetts, the enigmatic Scott Brown, to explain his lack of extremism. Unfortunately, he was vacationing in Cancun, Mexico, for spring break, maintaining his impeccable tan; HOWEVER, I did manage to get an interview with him over the phone, as he sat at the bar of the Coco Bongo Club.



    Below are the words we exchanged:

    Me: Scott! How are you doing! Thanks for giving me this exclusive interview!

    Scott Brown: [loud dance music is playing] Great! I'm having some drinks, and then taking my daughters back to the hotel, ha ha ha...

    Me: Did you just make a joke about having sex with your daughters?

    SB: Ha ha ha... Nah, it was just a joke. Just joking, man. So, what's going on? Mi... Mitt? Who is this?

    Me: [short pause] Okay. Many say you have betrayed conservatives by voting with democrats on the Jobs Bill, a bill some claim will set up Stalinist gulag-type work camps. What do you have to say about this?

    SB: [loud music still playing] What? I'm being put... What? On a stamp? What? Ayla, let's do... I'll buy some shots. Lemon-drops. Three shots of Lemon-drops. Here.. just, here... Are you from the Boston... Boston Herald? Herald. With the Herald. How did you get this number?

    Me: I'm with Oneyearintexas.org.

    SB: Who?

    Me: Oneyearintexas.org

    SB: [click]

    Me: Scott?

    SB: [dialtone]

    If one lesson can be drawn from this interview, it is that Scott Brown is probably not secretly a homosexual, like most other republican congressmen.

    Weather:

    Today is supposed to be a beautiful day in Iowa City, IA; however, there is a dark storm on the horizon, and the enemy grows stronger as we speak. Scott Brown must take the One Health Care Bill back to the fires of Mount Doom, Washington D.C., where it was made, and destroy it, to stop the Dark Lord Obama from enslaving us all.



    Predictions:

    Eliza will feel better about her paper today, and I will reread the Lord of The Rings trilogy, but as an allegory for communists taking over America. Glenn will be diagnosed with cancer and will fully recover, and then he will write a riveting memoir about his struggle with HIV/AIDS. Oneyearintexas.com will retroactively be voted Best Online News Journal of the Year for 2009. Someone will comment, "Jokes about cancer and HIV/AIDS are not funny" in the comments, and will be summarily mocked and insulted by OYIT writers. The commenter will then say that none of us are funny, anyway, and we'll all take it very hard.

    Have a good Monday.

    Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue IX]

    By Katy



    Hi Katy,
    Remember that guy who used to do the commercials for Micro Machines? He talked so fast that you could barely keep up with what he was saying. My question to you is not about the commercials or actual Micro Machines, what I'm wondering is how can I

    learn how to speak that fast? Is it something that you're just born with or should I just practice talking fast everyday?
    -Mike Row

    Hi Mike,

    I don't remember that guy because I was too young to watch fast talkers when those commercials were on. What I do remember is watching him recap all the "I Love the 90's" episodes when they ran over and over and over on VH1. And over. That's how I learned about an entire decade I was apart of and yet, never experienced. Luckily that means I was too busy fiddlin with Giga Pets and listening to the Spice Girls to notice beloved childhood actors like Paul Reubens fiddlin with himself. Thank the Beanie Baby gods!

    Guess what though? I talk really fast. In fact, to really understand the full weight of everything I say to you, you should be reading my articles really, really fast. Which really brings us to the final question... OF COURSE you have to practice talking that fast. I'm sure some people are born with it, but since you clearly missed that mark, you may as well see what you can make of yourself. I recommend reading HK back issues, as well as Deb8s with Glenn and Jake to improve not only your out-lout-reading abilities, but also the speed of your voice. You still have to be sure to enunciate, and most importantly, be prepared for people everywhere to look at your like you're a crazy person with moderate schizophrenia. Then you should probably just roll with it.

    HI Katy,
    I have a problem with procrastination. I make little "to do" lists on pieces of paper but not like a psychotic person. These aren't about killing people or remembering to turn the door handle 10 times before I go to sleep, but about every day errands that I don't want to do but know I should. How can I motivate myself to do to these things or do you have recommendations on how not to procrastinate? I've already tried Adderall.
    Procrastin' Pete

    Hi Pete,

    This is a hard question for me! I procrastinate alllll theeee timmmme. See what I did there? It is right now 4:02AM and Hi Katy posts on Sundays at 11AM so I think you can get a little of what I'm saying.

    There are several different organizational methods with which to simplify your life. Making lists is one of them, but maybe lists just don't work for you? I found that when it comes to things like doctor's appointments, lunch dates, and bill due dates that keeping a daily planner with me at all times and frequently checking it helps me to remember the things I have to accomplish in a day. I also keep homework assignments, class end dates, birthdays, vacations, R/O days, and paydays tracked in my little book. I used to use Google calendar, but as I grow older it becomes more and more difficult to understand the Internet. I was also sure to get a daily planner that was themed with something that would keep me interested. It has recipes, random facts, and broad stroke artwork so my day is never dull, even on a blank day!



    You can also try setting your cell phone alarm at various points of the day so you're obnoxiously reminded to GET YOUR STUFF DONE. If you have a mom, she would probably help drag you along. If you don't have a mom, I'm sorry I brought this up, but I bet if you're in a high population metropolitan area you could find a mom to substitute until you can grow up enough to take care of your own life.

    Hi Katy,
    Which of the Three Musketeers is your favorite? Mine is Larry.
    -Bob Musketeer

    Hi Bob,
    I never read The Three Musketeers and the only movie version I ever saw was Disney, but I watched the hell out of that joy train! Therefore, I'm happy to announce that my primary decision for favortism ban be traced to the actors in the film, making my pick Porthos, played by Oliver Platt. Oliver Platt can play such a delightful character just by being himself, ya know? Porthos was certainly the most badass (he's a "pirate" after all), the biggest liar (I've got a thing for the bad boys), and the funniest of all the Musketeers. AND, he often put d'Artagnan's whiny ass in its place.

    He was killin' somethin' ugly.

    Athos was probably my second favorite, and certainly one of my favorite Kiefer Sutherland roles, but he was sooooooooooo depressed all the time and who in their right freaking mind would hand Rebecca De Mornay over to be killed just because of some stupid religious beliefs and faulty oaths? Man's nuts. Tim Curry should of hit that.

    Aramis was just sort of...ugh. Maybe it's because I don't really find Charlie Sheen interesting, or maybe he was perfect for Aramis because Sheen himself is so dull. Either way, he's a truly forgettable character.

    And you're talking about The Three Stooges, idiot. I do think Larry was probably up there in the smarter category, though I always found I leaned towards Curly as a favorite. He certainly got picked on the most out of everyone, and that made me sympathetic towards him. I mean, his name alone is just mean. Man couldn't grow a curly hair on his head with all the Rogaine in Orange County, and not just because he's been rotting in the ground for over fifty years. He also reminds me of the beautiful period of American film history when the solid comedic route was to take a dumb, fat guy, and have unfair things happen to him while other characters continued to berate him. Yet, hot women always found the little fatties attractive. I could go into a whole argument here about how Abbott & Costello (the far superior comics of black & white) are the far superior comics of black & white film, but I'll just leave you with this thing I made in Paint to show the battle I'm not discussing (that Abbott and Costello would totally win):


    Oh yeah, this too:

    Don't mix up your Jews and your Catholics, Bob. It rubs people the wrong way.