Showing posts with label LIfe with Mikey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label LIfe with Mikey. Show all posts

Life with Mikey #108

By Mikey



John Candy never phoned it in like the actors of today.

Why would a robot turn into a car?  Robots are better than cars.

What's worse than a talent show?  Practically nothing.

Johnny Carson had more class than Jay Leno, but Leno is funnier.

I wish there was more science in Casper the Friendly Ghost.

I would never touch a tombstone or go near a grave.

Road rage is a serious problem and I'm surprised there's no pill for it.

Who decided the number 2 pencil was the standard?  I'd like to shake their hand.

When was the last time you ate a Carmello?

Whoever thought up meatballs is a genius.

Why don't more foods come in buckets?

Life With Mikey #107

By Mikey



This is the only time you will see me mention the name "Beetlejuice."  I am not bringing that guy back.

 Why doesn't Coors make 2 liters of beer?

Sorry to have to say it like this, but: Fuck the Cubs.

Wax paper is probably being hit hard by the recession.

I'm surprised Harry Connick Jr. didn't get an Oscar nod for Copycat.  Great film, great performance.

I know it's not a "cool" or "hip" opinion, but I believe that Hallmark makes the best greeting cards.

Why do bagels have holes?

It's weird that Willow is the Leprechaun from Leprechaun.

Smoked meats are very enjoyable.

Name one thing better than Pictionary.  It's impossible.

Fondue seems pretty ridiculous to me.  They always eat it in the movie my wife makes me watch.

Life with Mikey #106

By Mikey



I hate when poems don't rhyme.

I wonder what Helen Hung is up to.  Anybody know?

311 haven't had a hit for a while.  They're due for one.

I only take the New Testament literally.

Sheila E. was a star that burned too bright.

The guy who ate flowers in Little Shop of Horrors might have been onto something, but I'm not about to eat flowers no matter what star rating he gives them.

Having a dishwasher is better than having x-ray vision, I bet.

Gomez Adams is bilingual.

I would eat a crumpet, but I certainly wouldn't be happy about it.

I can't wait to take my son to a baseball game.  It's the only place you can get a decent hotdog, but boy, do you have to pay for it.

Life with Mikey #105

By Mikey



I'd take the smell of leaves burning over coffee every time.

My favorite breakfast: all you can eat hotcakes.

Why isn't Sinbad in more movies?  The guy is a great actor.

Mr. T is a pretty excitable guy.

Yogi the Bear is smarter than the average bear, but the average bear is still pretty dumb, so who cares?

Cowboys should quit smoking cigarettes.

A band like The Cranberries only comes along once every 15 years.

Who needs 20 cars?  That's just too darn many.

I have never slipped while wearing slippers.

I have watched "Dog: The Bounty Hunter," and it's about a man, not a dog.  Talk about false advertising.



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Life with Mikey #104

By Mikey



I walk into door frames all the time.

In books people are always eating cheese.

I only eat hotdogs when I go camping.

There used to be a lot more cartoons about gorillas when I was a kid.

I always tell my wife to buy some Gushers, but she never does.

Who would feed lasagna to a cat?  The cat would get sick!

Ranger Smith is a loser.

My wife gets so mad when I put cider on my cereal instead of milk.  Why does she even care?

The fellows in the UFC all have terrible haircuts.

There's no such thing as werewolves, so why should I care about full moons?

Life with Mikey 103

By Mikey

It is 2012, a year I couldn't even imagine living to back in the 80s.  It seemed like a million years away, but it was only really 30.  I don't know much about the Mayans, but if they want the world to end this year, then they are probably jerks.



Just because I laugh at a Cheech and Chong record does not mean I condone drug use.

I bet baby food is delicious.

I just can't get enough sweet & sour chicken.

Sour cream really isn't that sour, at least compared to a lemon.

Do kids still use Trapper Keepers or is everything just computers now?

Why didn't Cap'n Crunch ever get his own TV show?

I like cop movies with dogs.  They're pretty funny.

In my opinion Weird Al is the weirdest singer out there these days.

I feel bad for Dilbert, the guy has a rough work life.

Soccer is a dangerous sport. It`s the only game where you have to eat your team mates.



Life with Mikey #102

By Mikey



MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice--it’s all just hip hop to me.

Jaywalking is only okay when it’s a segment on Jay Leno, and even then it is not that good.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away?  Maybe, but apples might have worms inside them.  Pass!

I wouldn’t have wanted to compete in a pie eating contest with Haystacks Calhoun.

Why are there so many songs about hand holding?

I only eat corn dogs at fairs.  Never had one at a carnival, never ordered one in a restaurant and absolutely never had them at home.

If I was single I would eat a Toblerone for breakfast instead of McDonald’s or cereal.

I’m sick of oil companies trying to force me to put corn in my car.

The only adults that have slumber parties are swingers.

Babytalk is gross.  I doubt babies like it.

Shakira is a very talented singer/dancer.

My cat isn’t allowed in the market, which makes it harder to get him the cat food he wants.



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The Meaning of Life with Mikey

By Mikey

I often sit on a dock, fishing rod in hand and bait on the hook, and look out across the water and think about the meaning of life.  Really it can be anywhere or anything.  You could find the meaning of life in the second panel of a Dilbert strip or after the credits of a movie like “Thor.”  Today, I am going to try and figure out the meaning of life.



There is little as satisfying as copying a comic onto a flattened piece of silly putty.  It is hard to read, but it bounces.


I’m not so sure about meditating, but my mind often wanders when I’m reading one of Dave Barry’s books.


Andy Capp might have been an alcoholic and a poor husband, but he had some great ideas when it came to napping.


I believe in karma, which is why I donate plasma regularly.  Plus, I enjoy the extra spending money.


They say success is the best revenge, I don’t necessarily agree, but it is a lot less illegal than murder.


The Beatles claimed that happiness is a warm gun, but I think happiness is a warm roast beef sandwich, dipped in au jus and served alongside an order of curly fries and an ice cold root beer.


Toy Story 3 raises a lot of questions, like do toys have souls.


Life doesn’t get better than eating a Hershey’s chocolate bar.


I’m not sure about astrology and fortune telling.  I mean, my horoscope in the newspaper is usually correct, but it just seems like a coincidence.


I asked a bowl of alphabet soup, “What is the meaning of life?”  It said: “AACBLLA.”  I don’t know what it means, but that is the meaning of life, I guess.

Life with Mikey #100 (Special Issue)

By Mikey





Alphabet soup doesn’t give you enough vowels.

They used to tell people to keep on truckin’, then they stopped saying it and now nobody trucks anymore.

I would never look a gorilla in the eyes.

Why is there a knife just for butter?

I don’t see why people love Ronald Reagan. His movies are terrible.

Does anybody find it odd that our lord was born in a barn?

Remember that commercial where a person was about to die and somebody asked them what they wanted on their tombstone and they thought it was a pizza? Who would eat a Tombstone Pizza? They suck!

I wouldn’t argue that one can learn some lessons from the Incredible Hulk comic books, but I wouldn’t compare them to the Bible.

Shamu is the most popular whale, but who is the most popular otter?

My Favorite Martian is my least favorite martian.

Scrooge McDuck controls 99% of the wealth in Duckburg.

Calling an immitator a copycat is like calling a black person the n-word.

I don’t understand prostitutes. It’s probably all of the slang they use.

Life with Mikey #99

By Mikey



Why do they call it starved rock? Rocks don't eat.

What does a scallop look like when it's alive?

Outside of the carts I just don't see the appeal of golf.

How can Goofy and Pluto both be dogs? Goofy wears clothes and is human-like and Pluto is like a regular Earth dog. It doesn't make any darn sense.

I like to quote the Three Stooges when I can.

Life jackets need to be more stylish.

Ziggy should be on a stamp.

What is so silly about copying comics and bouncing?

Ritz is the king of crackers. Rice crackers are the court jester.

Are we still allowed to call it Indian corn?

Life with Mikey #98

By Jake





Turkeys are one the most ridiculous looking animals on God’s Earth.

Pogosticks are overdue for a comeback.

Gremlins don’t scare me, but Ghoulies do.

Laffy Taffy is just okay, but the jokes can be pretty funny.

I was sad to hear that Michael Jordan died, but glad to find out it wasn’t true.

Carpet is better than rugs.

Window air conditioners are just glorified fans.  Stop wasting your money.

People on heroin can make good music, but I’d never let one watch my kid.

In the 80s people were too interested in other people.

Onion rings are the best thing you can do with an onion.

I am trying to eat less sausage.

Throwing garbage on the street is not classy.

Swiss cheese is good, but not versatile.

If porge is too hot, you can wait about five minutes and it will be “just right.”

Life with Mikey #97 (Special Lemonade Edition)

By Mikey 

The summer is coming to an end, and with that will come an end to my favorite seasonal beverage: lemonade. I want to give back to lemonade, so I wrote this special all lemonade edition of Life with Mikey.



Pink or yellow, lemonade is the king of drinks, or, actually, the queen if it is pink.

It would be nearly impossible to put too much sugar in lemonade.

I would never offer my special blend of lemonade to a diabetic.

I bet George Washington let his slaves drink lemonade on a really hot day. He probably had them make it, too.

Everything on the news is recession this and debt ceiling that, it’s never lemonade this and refreshing that. It’s one of the many reasons America is in trouble.

The best kind of straw is a bendable one. Crazy straws are too flashy.

Mike’s Hard Lemonade is too good. The last thing I need is alcohol added to my lemonade. I passed out by 8 and yelled at my cat, which I would never do sober.

A lot of to-do has been made in my household about putting ice in lemonade. I see both sides of the argument, so I made ice cubes out of lemonade. Problem solved.

Would I want lemonade to come out of my faucets instead of water? No, I still need to be able to shower.

Osama bin Laden didn’t have a single glass of lemonade in his compound. No wonder he was murdered.

Why is it that lemons are terrible, but when you turn them into ade they are heavenly? It really makes you think.

Life with Mikey #96

By Mikey 



They should call Diet Squirt liquid courage. You have to be courageous to drink it--it tastes terrible!

Yeah, I've seen Kiss in concert.

This cloud looks like a fish.

Little House on the Prairie is a good show.

Aerosmith should write more songs about colors.

Sharks are stupid.

Let Cuba deal with all this toxic waste.

I don't think I'd eat koala meat. They are just too cute.

The Rock is a good comedy actor.

I am a fan of religion and even I think it's a bit much to say "God bless you" when somebody sneezes.

Everybody in the FBI's last name is either "Smith" or "Johnson." I wonder if they're all related.

Getting drunk always looks like fun in Jackie Chan movies.

Birds can be annoying.

Cartoon wolves are so horny. I don't know about real wolves.

Pink lemonade is too strong for me. I'll just stick to the yellow kind.

Life with Mikey #95

By Mikey 



Sarah Palin has to be smart if she went to so many colleges.

I'm never going to shave my head. I'm not cool enough to pull it off.

I love when people make jokes about Chuck Norris.

Wheat is shit. Sorry.

Popeye should sell spinach, not chicken.

McDonald's play areas look fun, but who really cares about plastic balls in 2011?

I would love to get a couple tie-dyed shirts.

Cameron Diaz is the finest actress of our time.

I prefer Mrs. Butterworth to Aunt Jemima, even if she is family.

Why can't we just use the air for electricity?

Fries don't need cheese.

I'd rather fish off of a riverboat than gamble. That's just me.

I had a pretty good time at the telephone museum.

My wife made macaroni for dinner without cheese. She cracks me up.

Life with Mikey #94

By Mikey 

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Instead of remaking old movies, they should make them like they used to.

Nothing beats summer heat like a ice cold Yoo-hoo.

I haven’t paid for a haircut in nine years.

Circus freaks were probably hit hard by the recession.

I’m more afraid of gangsters than I am of zombies or Frankensteins.

Ritz and peanut butter is top-notch snack.

Cherry Dr. Pepper really tastes a lot like cherries!

The lottery is a great way to lose a lot of money.

I forgive BP.

Bands aren’t allowed to rock as hard as Silverchair anymore. Record companies won’t allow it.

Applebee’s is too expensive.

What in the blue blazes is a tweet?

Holiday Inn has great pillows.

Somebody ought to make a movie about basketball.

I don’t kid around when it comes to bears.

Life with Mikey #93

By Mikey 

Hi! I signed up for the Facebook after I spent two weeks looking at people's profiles. So many people don't let you see very much, though! Please send me a friendship message at: http://www.facebook.com/people/Mikey-Thompson/100002449913855



E-mail is fine, but it will never beat real mail. I have never gotten an issue of MAD Magazine in an e-mail.

Pineapple are too dangerous.

My favorite pizza is the kind with chicken.

I find lemons to be a little on the sour side.

Lily Tomlin is funny. I like when she's a phone operator. It's still as relevant as the day she first did it.

How the heck do I softboil an egg?

Why don't they make Lincoln Logs anymore? People don't like Abe Lincoln anymore?

My fishing hole is a secret. I'm not going to tell you where it is. Don't even bother asking. Sorry.

What happens if Superman flies through the Bermuda Triangle.

I can't wait for the next Paul Reiser book.

There are some vegetables at the store that look like they're from outerspace. What the hell is a jicama?

I hate the silent treatment--drives me nuts.

Why is the internet going so slow!

Is it still okay to say "Native American?"

Pretzels are not a dessert, although the mall is trying to convice us otherwise.

Life with Mikey #92

By Mikey 



"She's All That" is better than you'd think. Catch it sometime on TNT.

Mt. Rushmore would be cooler if it was the Three Stooges.

Sugar Ray were good for a couple hits.

The American Flag needs a redesign.

Hung Hungry Hippos is the Cadillac of board games.

I will never move to Michigan.

If I could meet one dead celebrity it would be Michael J. Fox.

Sumo Wrestling seems like an easy way to make a living.

I just don't see why dudes in the 1920s found flappers so sexy. Good thing we're living in 2011, I guess.

I don't take advice from people who are anti-dancing. I might not dance often, but I'd never stop anybody else from doing it.

Popeye should have never had children.

Calling 'insects' 'bugs' is cute.

Inspector Gadget was a bumbling fool. His daughter and his dog solved all of the crimes. How does that make him great?

Flipper was probably smarter than most humans.

I won't go camping because of the Friday the 13th movies. Plus, I dislike the outdoors.

Life with Mikey #91

By Mikey 



Nobody has called me the weakest link and said goodbye to me in a long time.

Blogging is just something adults do.

I find plastic bags infuriorating.

What happened to Paula Poundstone? She was hilarious.

Jessica Simpson is a great person.

Is there a snack as good and light tasting as Munchos?

Prayers shouldn't rhyme.

I have never Wang Chunged. What the heck is that?

Peter Gabriel is overrated.

Parrots are so annoying.

Dairy Queen makes the best ice cream period.

What makes doing cocaine so appealing?

I'd pay top dollar to see another Star War.

Pilgrims were too orthodox for my taste.

What's a boot strap?

Reflections on Osama bin Laden

By Mikey 

Hi guys! I'm sure we have all heard the news by now, Osama bin Laden is dead. The war on terror has finally ended. Just think, a week ago everybody was asking Presiden Obama to show us his birth certificate. He has proven that he is the most American person to have ever lived by killing Osama bin Laden. Here are some thoughts on September 11th, 2001, the war on terror, terrorism in general and the stars and stripes.



-I will never forget where I was when 9/11 happened. I was getting my tires rotated and the guy was trying to cheat me out of money.

-Everybody was really scared of being terrorized, but nobody was, except for all that anthrax, if that even counts.

-President Bush was a bad president, if you ask me. Sorry if that is a bit controversial or overly political for you.

-They said the war was over oil, but the World Trade Center wasn't made out of oil, was it?

-If oil is so crude, why do we even want it in the first place?

-They say that you are rewarded with virgins when you go to heaven in the muslim faith. Who would ever want that?

-The American flag is the only piece of cloth I look at reverently.

-Osama bin Laden killed a lot of people. More than even Godzilla did, but I was still way more afraid of a Godzilla attack than a terrorist attack.

-You still hear a lot about terrorism, but you almost never hear about kids jumpin' rope. Seems like our priorities might be a little out of whack.

-Airline security has gotten pretty bad since September 11th, 2001, but it's still not as bad as the food they serve on flights, or so I have heard.

-I do not regret buying all of this Osama bin Laden toilet paper. It's going to skyrocket in price now!

-What do you think bin Laden's favorite food was? I think it was Spaghetti-o's, but I might just be projecting.

-I will never forget where I was when I heard that Osama bin Laden was dead. I was watching clips of Mama's Family on YouTube.

Life With Mikey (Jerry Maguire Special Edition)

By Mikey 

I was asked to kick-off Jerry Maguire week with a special edition of Life with Mikey. It is one of my favorite movies, so I agreed. I hope you enjoy it and all of the articles for Jerry Maguire week.



Has anyone ever tried using the line “you had me at hello?” I wonder if it works.

I just googled it and it looks like the human head weighs 8 to 12 pounds, so that kid was half right. PolitiFact would rate this one “partially true.”

What ever happened to that kid? I haven’t seen anything since Little Vampires was released.

Say what you will about Tom Cruise and Scientology, but at least he had the guts to start his own talent agency.

People usually think that Jerry Maguire is a chick flick, but it’s really about football.

Jerry Maguire made over $270 million dollars. That’s like every American paying one dollar to see it. Too bad you can’t do that anymore. Don’t you miss the dollar cinemas?

Jay Mohr is good in Jerry Maguire, as to be expected.

Show me the money! was actually a good catchphrase. Better than “Do I make your horny” from the Austin Powers films because it’s family friendly.

Why didn’t they make a sequel?

My wife got me Jerry Maguire on VHS for Christmas. Remember VHS and when we had to wait so long for movies to be released? I don’t know if those were the “good old days” but I know films like Maguire make me think they were.

Renée Zellweger is one of the most beautiful movie stars of the 1990s.

I was glad to see a movie with so many different races. It’s better than those Tyler Perry movies that only have black people in them.