Untertainment Weakly (6-17-2011)

By Jake

Hey fuckers, I have two weeks of entertainment news to shower upon you like so much feces out of Dave Matthews Band’s tour bus. I got married, so I’m so sorry that I missed last week.

Trace Adkins’ house burnt down. I know what your thinking, but don’t look at me!

I seriously hope you fuckers aren’t watching the new “Teen Wolf” drama that is on MTV.

The Rock is in talks for “G.I. Joe 2,” a movie that is so unnecessary in its making that The Rock is in talks for it.

There are plans for a sequel to the Angelina Jolie action film, “Salt.” Who gives a shit?

Michelle Obama is set to guest star on an episode of every straight male pedophile’s favorite program, “iCarly.”

Some idiot thought it would be a good idea to have Cedric the Entertainer host a game show. That shows name: “It’s Worth What?” I’m guessing that it is basically “The Price is Right” without the fun.

The dude who created “Mad Libs” died. RIP guy.

MTV canceled the ill attempted remake of the British show “Skins.” Who cares?

Tracy Morgan went on a homophobic “rant.” Really, it was stand-up, but regardless, he apologized. Now he is gay!

I’m watching “The Simpsons” right now and I’m tempted to quote it like a loser would.

Insane comedian who cannot deal with success, Dave Chappelle, has decided that he wants to have a new show for on demand services like Netflix.

Not a lot of news these last two weeks. Tons of bullshit about Weiner and Emma Watson. I could care less about either, and Anthony Weiner isn’t even a celebrity, just a stupid politician who sexted.

Movies Out Today
Green Lantern - I admit that I am a fan of comic books and I really enjoy Green Lantern. I love the Green Lantern/Green Arrow books from the 70s and I enjoyed some of the Black Lantern saga. So when they announced this film I was excited. Naturally, all of the excitement drained from me when they revealed Ryan Reynolds would star as Hal Jordan. I don’t think of Van Wilder as a super hero, and I do not want to see any movies starring him. He rubs me the wrong way. So there’s no way I’m going to see this. Plus, I heard it was awful.

Mr. Popper’s Penguins - Mr. Popper owns penguins. That is the plot to this movie, I assume, based upon the title. Jim Carey stars as the titular Mr. Popper. Are you still not sick of Jim Carey? This is the movie for you. I can probably live without seeing another Jim Carey comedy or children’s romp. If you see this and do not have kids with you, you are a loser.

Other Thoughts
I watched two movies since I last wrote an insane entertainment news-filled letter to you fine folks (we’ve come a long way since I called you “fuckers” twice at the start of it). Those two movies were both from the library where my wife works, so I did not spend any money on them. Keep that in mind.

Marmaduke - Bub and I watched this movie 2.5 times in two days. While it is clearly a terrible movie, I think we both had a great time watching it. It is actually paced very well, which is a must for an awful kids movie. So many times I watch these awful movies, and most of the time they are paced so slowly and it kills all of the laughs. My favorite line: “More like Marma-FAKE!”

Green Hornet - I really enjoyed this movie. I’m glad I didn’t see it in the cinema, but I probably wouldn’t have been upset that I did. It was silly juvenile fun. I really enjoy Seth Rogen. I think if you like him, then this will be up your alley. If you want a good action movie, then this is the wrong flick to see.


  1. Green Hornet was so much action! Not real action - lots of "matrix" action (I just shuddered when I said that).
    I'm not saying you burned down Trace Atkin's house but you WERE awfully late to our ceremony. Luckily, no one noticed the stand-in.

  2. I thought something was weird when jake grew in height 2 feet. Why would you use a little person to stand in. No offense to little people. not that there is anything wrong with it.

  3. Marmaduke looked very low culture.

  4. You are so disdainful for your audience in this, I thought at first I was reading the liner notes to Bob Dylan's 'Dylan'! You're wrong about iCarly, it's the show 'Victorious'!! My favorite line from Marmaduke was 'It's raining cats and US!' - Dog.!!!

  5. I had really bad allergies when I wrote this. Also, I think of the audience of this article as the people who would go see Yogi Bear 3D IMAX, although I'm probably wrong.


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