Debate: Is it Safe to Get a Flu Shot?

By Glenn and Jake

It’s the time of a year again where seniors, children and government created mutants saunter into Walgreens, CVS, Wal-Mart and Duane Reades across the country to be (lethally?) injected with flu vaccines.  Recommended by all legitimate authorities, should we all march in lockstep down to the pharmacy like good and obedient citizens?  Or is there something to fear from a vaccine that was on cover of Maxim, Ebony and the National Review magazines this year?  Jake and Glenn, amateur health experts and needle enthusiasts, will now save you the trouble of opening WebMD on your desktop computer.


Glenn: “Keep that needle away from me!” is how I open all of my doctors appointments and how I open this debate.  Flu shots are a scam for many reasons, most of which you have never heard.  This is because you believe everything you hear and disbelieve everything you choose not to hear.  First of all, you cannot vaccinate against the flu.  If we are again blessed with something like Spanish Influenza, no vaccine in the world will be able to stop it.  I recently saw the movie Contagion, which featured people killing each other to get vaccines.  Fortunately we will never have that problem outside of a CVS because people rightly believe flu vaccines are just a scam so the government and pharmaceutical companies can inject small one-man ships into your blood stream a la the movie Innerspace (1987).  


Jake:  Flu shots are very near and extremely dear to my heart.  In fact--and this may come as a shock to my legions of rabid fans--last week I received a flu shot.  I paid $32 to have some uppity bitch pharmacist inject me with a (hopefully) clean needle in order to prevent the common strains of influenza that I would likely have otherwise contracted.  Is it important to make references to Martin Short movies?  Yes.  That’s why I refer to the three strains of influenza which I will be safe from as the “Three Amigos.”  Glenn, in my opinion, sounded like a real “Clifford” in his opening point, throwing around wild allegations about CVS, a store so convenient that I do all of my necessary shopping there.  I would rather go to a special screening of “Captain Ron” than spend several days sick with the flu.  If I did not get the vaccine I would have definitely gotten ill from it.  The people I work with are disgusting.  They are alcoholics, drug addicts, women and cigarette smokers--I couldn’t think of anybody more susceptible to the flu than those jag-offs.  Some of thoem pay far more than $32 to have things injected into their veins, so I think I made the right decision, economically and health-wise.


Glenn:  While our readers (and Martin Short himself) are no doubt heartened to see so many of his terrible films referenced in this debate, we shall not let this - or the time I saw him outside a restaurant in New York - distract us from the problem at hand.  My second point in opposition to flu shots is related to autism.  Did know the mercury from the needles have increased autism diagnosis over 5000% since 1972, the year the current mercury-filled needles were invented?  Probably not because it isn’t a fact the mainstream media reports.  As someone who has personally fought autism and won, I do not want to bring it back into my life.  $32 multiplied by every single Latino or Hispanic person in the United States is several million dollars. Who profits from the vaccine?  The autism industry, and maybe CVS.  I don’t know how much of a cut they get from the vaccine.  But I do know CVS is owned by a conglomerate of Russian oligarchs.


Jake:  CVS is where I registered for my wedding, where we will register for our baby shower and where I will buy my coffin when I grow too old or sick to keep on living.  I agree with you that autism is a serious problem, and one needs to look no further than the movie “Clifford” to see a realistic depiction of a child with autism.  Here’s the thing that the jew-run media is not telling us: flu shots do not cause autism.  I know that it’s easy to listen to Jenny McCarthy go on and on about how her son got autism from a vaccination (although this was a lie) since her breasts are so ample.  We all know how the old saying goes, “the bigger the tits, the more you listen.”  Yet, it does not mean that everything that comes out of a busty woman’s mouth is the gospel truth.  Is autism a real condition?  Maybe, but maybe not.  I recently read a study that claimed that people with autism are merely beings from an alternate dimension who accidentally slipped into our dimension, which is why they act differently than us.  That really makes you think, doesn’t it?  I find it very unlikely that being injected with a vaccine for influenza will turn you into a being from an alternate dimension.  That is just ludicrous and you sound ridiculous for inferring it.

Glenn:  I like your alternate dimension theory.  It reminds me of how scientists and science fiction enthusiasts are trying to explain neutrinos moving faster than the speed of light.  Much like that conversation, however, our discussion of flu shots has gotten off course.  How many people do you know who have died of the flu? Zero. The flu simply doesn’t kill anymore.  What if CVS ordered you to get polio or rickets vaccines for $32?  You’d say no and then bomb a CVS in an act of domestic terrorism.  There is no need for the vaccine and if you take it, you and your adopted children will all contract autism.  I am not disparaging autism - it is a wonderful disorder - but it is not worth paying $32 for.  Also, a very minor scientific point would be that if we start vaccinating against certain strains of the flu, that strain will evolve into a new one.  Much like the phrase “let sleeping dogs lie,” we need to let the current strain of Spanish Influenza infect and ravage the weakest among us.  Otherwise it will learn to evolve and the epidemic of death will travel faster than a neutrino behind the wheel of a Formula 500 motor racing car.  Thank you.


Jake:  Having the flu is worse than sitting through a Martin Short film festival, although the same amount of vomiting is involved.  How many people do you know who have developed autism because they were injected with the influenza vaccine?  Zero.  Why?  Because it just doesn’t happen.  Do you need to get a flu shot?  No.  Why not get one, though?  You already routinely inject yourself with insulin due to your diabetes, right?  Why not get one shot and rid yourself of the likelihood of catching the flu?  $32 is not that much money anymore.  That’s the cost of a ticket to see a film, the cost of a gallon of gas, the amount you pay when you go through a toll booth and what stamps will cost by the end of the year.  Getting the flu is a terrible experience and if I have to send one less fan letter to Judy Tenuta, then so be it.  Gimme that shot.