Episode 6315: “The Lisa Card”
First of all, let us briefly discuss the title of this episode. Is it a reference to playing the race card? Lisa is the only African-American person that regularly appears on this program. “The Lisa Card” could be a pun of “Visa card,” but who puts the article “the” in front of it? Do you go to a store and the clerk says, “I’m sorry, sir/miss, but we do not accept the Visa card here”? Maybe they did refer to it as such back in the early 90s when this episode was dreamed up by the scribe Tom Tenowich.
Samuel "Screech" Powers
Principal Richard Belding
Screech and Slater are hanging out at The Max, as they are apt to do. It is report card day. Zack runs through the grades of Bayside’s favorite ladies: Jesse got all A’s, Kelly has B’s and Lisa made honor roll. Her father gave her his credit card to go to the mall. Zack, if you hadn’t guessed, got bad grades because he’s an underachiever.
Jesse complains about being called a “chick” by her meat-headed boy toy, Slater. She is not an animal, she is a human being.
Max does a terrible magic trick to reveal Lisa’s new ensemble. It is quite expensive, from a early 90s point of view. Kelly tells Lisa to add up all of her reciepts. She spent $386! She could have gone to see “The Three Musketeers” in the theater and got a large popcorn for that price.
The gang tells Lisa to return her clothes, but the store will not let her return the sales items. Lisa is going to run away, but Zack tells her to just deny it and enjoy the ride. Sound advice. Jesse and Kelly tell her to just be honest and own up to it. Lisa goes into a fantasy about telling her father the bad news. He calls her the worst daughter of all and then she turns into a punk for some reason. And Screech is the grim reaper--not in the dream sequence, just a general note.
Lisa and Zack have a scheme: they’re going to hold a raffle. They’re in Miss Wentworth’s biology class. Slater asks why birds aren’t attracted to horses and she says they are and she writhes around semi-erotically on her desk. Some kid kisses Lisa for some cash. Lisa is a whore. The actress who plays the teacher must have been starving because she ate the ever-loving shit out of the scenery.
Mr. Belding reminds the students of the charity clothing drive. Keep this in mind, because it plays out soon. This show has little to no fat. Then Belding does a bad impression of Elvis Presley. Then it’s an earthquake drill and Screech attempts to get a kiss. Lisa is mad at Zack for turning her out.
Zack sells Lisa’s clothes out of all of the lockers. How did he get into every locker to put the clothes there? He has an automatic door opener, obviously. Screech buys some lingerie. Some twins buy some cowboy boots for $10. Rocco buys a Tina Turner wig, no questions asked. He’s a transgendered individual.
Slater asks Mr. Belding if he likes the dress he’s holding in order to distract him. Belding says it’s nice and Slater tells him that he wants to wear it to school. Belding takes Slater to his office. Slater says he doesn’t know who he is anymore. Belding can relate to Slater trying to attract women. Belding went to the prom with his sister and his first real date was in the ARMY with an enemy combatant.
Zack brings out Kelly is in a bikini, but she’s like 15 so it’s kind of creepy to me. To the boys of Bayside it is perfectly reasonable pre-internet porn masturbation fodder. Belding says that the Viet Cong girl he was dating dumped him after the war. Then he met his lovely wife while he was drowning. Slater can no longer distract Mr. Belding. He catches Zack and Screech selling off Lisa’s clothing. He thinks they’re for the charity drive.
They made $53 selling Lisa’s clothes. Now Lisa is a terrible server at The Max. She is yells at all of the customers. Slater is going to show her how to do it, by which I mean he is throwing away the customers’ food the second they receive it. Lisa made $37 in tips in three hours. Jesse can’t believe it. I’ve made triple that before in three hours waiting tables. Jesse is an idiot.
Zack comes clean about Lisa’s clothes. Lisa laughs hysterically. She has hit her rock bottom, at least until the episode where she becomes a whore--which is THIS episode! Lisa decides to tell her father the truth finally.
Dr. Turtle quickly forgives Lisa and wants to take her to the Sizzler. She can’t believe it! She wants her dad to punish her, but he doesn’t want to. So he finally decides she needs to keep her job until she pays him back. Zack and the gang come in and give her $83 to help her pay back the debt, but she refuses it. Then Zack does a commercial parody for the titular “The Lisa Card.”
A terrible episode.