Showing posts with label Lisa Turtle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lisa Turtle. Show all posts

Saved by the Bell: The Lisa Card

By Jake

Episode 6315: “The Lisa Card”

First of all, let us briefly discuss the title of this episode.  Is it a reference to playing the race card?  Lisa is the only African-American person that regularly appears on this program.  “The Lisa Card” could be a pun of “Visa card,” but who puts the article “the” in front of it?  Do you go to a store and the clerk says, “I’m sorry, sir/miss, but we do not accept the Visa card here”?  Maybe they did refer to it as such back in the early 90s when this episode was dreamed up by the scribe Tom Tenowich.



The Players
Lisa Turtle
Zack Morris
AC Slater
Samuel "Screech" Powers
Kelly Kapowski
Lisa Turtle
Jessica Spano
Miss Wentworth
Principal Richard Belding
Max

Screech and Slater are hanging out at The Max, as they are apt to do.  It is report card day.  Zack runs through the grades of Bayside’s favorite ladies: Jesse got all A’s, Kelly has B’s and Lisa made honor roll.  Her father gave her his credit card to go to the mall.  Zack, if you hadn’t guessed, got bad grades because he’s an underachiever.

Jesse complains about being called a “chick” by her meat-headed boy toy, Slater. She is not an animal, she is a human being.

Max does a terrible magic trick to reveal Lisa’s new ensemble.  It is quite expensive, from a early 90s point of view.  Kelly tells Lisa to add up all of her reciepts.  She spent $386!  She could have gone to see “The Three Musketeers” in the theater and got a large popcorn for that price. 

The gang tells Lisa to return her clothes, but the store will not let her return the sales items.  Lisa is going to run away, but Zack tells her to just deny it and enjoy the ride.  Sound advice. Jesse and Kelly tell her to just be honest and own up to it.  Lisa goes into a fantasy about telling her father the bad news.  He calls her the worst daughter of all and then she turns into a punk for some reason.  And Screech is the grim reaper--not in the dream sequence, just a general note.

Lisa and Zack have a scheme: they’re going to hold a raffle.  They’re in Miss Wentworth’s biology class.  Slater asks why birds aren’t attracted to horses and she says they are and she writhes around semi-erotically on her desk.  Some kid kisses Lisa for some cash.  Lisa is a whore.  The actress who plays the teacher must have been starving because she ate the ever-loving shit out of the scenery.

Mr. Belding reminds the students of the charity clothing drive.  Keep this in mind, because it plays out soon.  This show has little to no fat. Then Belding does a bad impression of Elvis Presley.  Then it’s an earthquake drill and Screech attempts to get a kiss.  Lisa is mad at Zack for turning her out.

Zack sells Lisa’s clothes out of all of the lockers.  How did he get into every locker to put the clothes there?  He has an automatic door opener, obviously.  Screech buys some lingerie.  Some twins buy some cowboy boots for $10.  Rocco buys a Tina Turner wig, no questions asked.  He’s a transgendered individual.

Slater asks Mr. Belding if he likes the dress he’s holding in order to distract him.  Belding says it’s nice and Slater tells him that he wants to wear it to school.  Belding takes Slater to his office.  Slater says he doesn’t know who he is anymore.  Belding can relate to Slater trying to attract women.  Belding went to the prom with his sister and his first real date was in the ARMY with an enemy combatant.
 Zack brings out Kelly is in a bikini, but she’s like 15 so it’s kind of creepy to me.  To the boys of Bayside it is perfectly reasonable pre-internet porn masturbation fodder. Belding says that the Viet Cong girl he was dating dumped him after the war.  Then he met his lovely wife while he was drowning.  Slater can no longer distract Mr. Belding.  He catches Zack and Screech selling off Lisa’s clothing.  He thinks they’re for the charity drive.
 They made $53 selling Lisa’s clothes.  Now Lisa is a terrible server at The Max.  She is yells at all of the customers.  Slater is going to show her how to do it, by which I mean he is throwing away the customers’ food the second they receive it.  Lisa made $37 in tips in three hours.  Jesse can’t believe it.  I’ve made triple that before in three hours waiting tables.  Jesse is an idiot.
 Zack comes clean about Lisa’s clothes.  Lisa laughs hysterically.  She has hit her rock bottom, at least until the episode where she becomes a whore--which is THIS episode!  Lisa decides to tell her father the truth finally.

Dr. Turtle quickly forgives Lisa and wants to take her to the Sizzler.  She can’t believe it!  She wants her dad to punish her, but he doesn’t want to.  So he finally decides she needs to keep her job until she pays him back.  Zack and the gang come in and give her $83 to help her pay back the debt, but she refuses it.  Then Zack does a commercial parody for the titular “The Lisa Card.”
 A terrible episode.

The End.

Saved by the Bell: Screech's Woman

By Jake

Episode 6313: Screech's Woman



The Players
Zack Morris
Samuel "Screech" Powers
A.C. Slater
Lisa Turtle
Jessica Spano
Kelly Kapowski
Sally Dunsky
Richard Belding
Max, the proprieter of The Max

Slater and Kelly are sitting together at The Max, a model volcano rests upon their table. Jessie tells Slater that they make a great team and they'll surely win the science fair. Yet, when it comes down to picking a name for the volcano, these two just cannot seem agree. Mount St. Jessie or Slater's Crater? Both a pretty weak names if you ask me. Slater pours too much vinegar into the volcano and it bubbles over causing them to flee the Max with Jessie complaining about lava stains on her clothes.

Zack smoothly enters. He walks up to Screech and tells him he's not going to do any work on their science project. Screech is basically thanking Zack for it. I can see why Zack is friends with Screech, even if Screech is one of the most annoying characters ever portrayed on television. Their science project is an electromagnetic aerial hymonopha (or something of that nature) detector. It makes Screech's canary fly into the wall.

Screech pines for Lisa and Kelly encourages him to ask her out on a date. Zack brings up the point that Einstein was never seen with a "chick." As Screech approaches Lisa with arms outstretched another, blacker gentleman swoops in. Screech cannot figure out why girls don't like him. His theory: he's snake spit. My theory: he's incredibly annoying.

At Screech's house, Screech mopes in a beanbag chair. Zack is going to set Screech up and teach him how to make the ladies love him. He feeds him so corny lines and gets fed up very quickly with Screech's back talk.

Back at Bayside, Screech hits on Sally Dunsky and falls into a trash can. She's fairly angry at his come-ons. He then asks her if she knows that worms are a good source of protein and then accidentally fumbles one of Zack's lines into an insult. Way to go Samuel. For a guy with the last name Powers, he sure is a weak nerd. Screech hides in his locker and Zack says he has somebody who might be perfect for him-- Jessie. Give me a break, Jessie is the shallowest character on this show. Zack builds Screech up to her and then tells her who his friend is and she sort of pukes in her own mouth. Zack tells Screech that at 3:30 at the payphone his mystery woman will call him.

As we come back from a commercial break, we see Slater on the payphone. If he's on the phone then how will Screech receive his phone call? There is just so much intrigue in this episode. Screech threatens Slater. Slater asks why this call is so important and is shocked when he finds out it's from a girl. Slater offers some advice and leaves.

Mr. Belding enters a bathroom stall with a newspaper.

The phone rings. Screech moves like lightning to answer it. He sprays banaca into his mouth, yet it's a phone call. How hilarious. Zack enters the bathroom speaking like a lady on his cellular telephone (it's as big as a brick). He says his name is Bambi. Mr. Belding is very confused and is answering back to Zack's love talk aimed at Screech. Zack leaves as Belding goes on a diatribe about how the restroom is the one door that education shouldn't open. Slater enters. Belding continues to prattle on and is then embarrassed by Slater. The audience giggles at the toilet flushing. Belding is flummoxed and vows to never go to the bathroom again.

In class, Screech tells Zack about his chat with Bambi the previous night. Lisa enters and Screech proclaims himself taken to her, to which she rolls her eyes. Zack says that Screech cannot meet Bambi because she's having an identity crisis. He feels pretty badly about it. Screech has chained himself to a locker to demonstrate his love for Bambi. He can't eat, sleep or do science projects. The last one particularly piques the interest of young Morris.

In Belding's office, Belding has a heart-to-heart with Screech. Screech still has a pair of lockers attached to his wrist. When Screech says his lady friend is Bambi, Belding's interest is raised tenfold due to the bathroom incident. Belding calls Zack into his office. Kelly goes into Belding's office to use her locker and leaves. Belding demands that he presents Bambi to Screech at The Max this afternoon or else.

At the Morris household, Zack is pacing as Lisa and Jessie enter his room. They're going to make Zack look like a lady. This is the sort of logic one jumps to in a sitcom or because they're having issues with their sexual or gender identity. Jessie wants Zack to shave his legs, which he obliges.

At The Max, Screech goes to his table and Max does some truly terrible magic (as usual). Lisa and Jessie take a pair of seats to watch. Some homosexual hits on Zack as he enters. He walks over to Screech's table and is presented with some fake flowers (a gift from Max). Screech introduces Slater to Bambi. Screech goes to get Kelly to introduce her and Slater tells "Bambi" that Screech has good taste. Zack slaps him lightly and calls him fresh (in a bad way, somehow). Slater instantly recognizes that it's Zack and tells him that he has nice legs. Kelly recognizes Bambi from somewhere, perhaps Brownies. Slater wants Screech to kiss Bambi to show Lisa how over her he is. Zack/Bambi lays down his rules for dating instead: shave his birds, straighten his hair and dye it blond and get rid of that no good Zack Morris. Screech thinks it over, but politely declines and leaves to finish their science project. Kelly invites Bambi to the ladies room, as Zack is getting up to go Jessie grabs him and tells him to freeze. Classic. The End.

Saved by the Bell: Fatal Distraction

By Jake

Episode 6312: Fatal Distraction

Now that Slater has settled into Bayside, let's see what Zack, Kelly and the rest of the gang are up to. This is the second episode if you go by production code, which, of coure, I do.

The Players:
Zack Morris
Kelly Kapowski
Lisa Turtle
A.C. Slater
Jessie Spano
Samuel "Screech" Powers
Richard Belding
Rhonda Robistelli
Max

The halls of Bayside are littered with bustling California teens. A banner hangs above their heads, "Girls Choice Dance," it reads. Zack walks over to his locker dressed as-- in an attempt to stir up controversy with the Middle East-- a shiek. He is incognito due to the big Girls Choice Dance. He doesn't want any girls asking him until Kelly gets a chance. He may want to go with Kelly, but so does Slater. The choice is up to Kelly! Rhonda Robistelli, the holder of the school shot-put record, also gets a choice and she's after Zackie.

Zack brings a stack of magazines to Lisa as a trade for her knowledge of who Kelly is going to the dance with. She reads a poll she took, which is hardly scientific. She should have just asked Kelly. Zack offers Lisa his Bon Jovi tickets and she tells him that Kelly is going with Zack...or Slater. Zack takes his tickets off the table.

At the Max, Lisa, Jessie, Slater and Zack are chewing the fat over some Max-burgers. We find out about Jessie's big slumber party, which Kelly will be attending. Zack wonders if a slumber party is a place where girls spill their guts. It is! Lisa and Jessie say they will not tell Slater and Zack who Kelly is taking to the dance because it would be an invasion of her privacy. I wonder if Kelly would even care. Max brings Zack a shake and does a couple of awful magic tricks. Rhonda is still chasing Zack. Rhonda is at least more attractive than Jessie, plus I bet she likes rough sex.

Zack and Screech are in Jessie's bedroom hiding a bug. Let's call it Slumbergate. Jessie is heading to her room, so Zack and Screech hide under her bed. Luckily she leaves before she can see Zack emerge from under her bed with stockings on his head. Zack and Screech are back at Zack's house listening to the girls gossip. They're eating pizza and Lisa says something about pepperoni, which triggers a fantasy sequence for Screech. One girl wonders why God created boys, and Jessie says it was so they could have something to talk about at slumber parties. Jessie's view of Christianity is a bit askew, don't you think? Kelly says she's going to take Zack to the dance. Zack cheers and the girls hear him. He tries to cover it up by acting like he's watching the Lakers, but Kelly is a huge fan of James Worthy and knows there is no game that night. This leads to Jessie finding the bug.

Zack and Screech are trying to fix the tape machine. Lisa finds the violation of their privacy romantic. Kelly wants to get back. They pretend to play a game where they take turns telling their darkest secret. I don't know what it's called, maybe Secret Roullette. Lisa's is shoplifting. Kelly's is that she's abusive to her boyfriends. Jessie is the worst actor in all of Bayside. She keeps saying stuff like "Whoa really?" in a very exagerated way. Regardless, Zack is completely freaked out. Screech then references GLOW (Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling).

Back in the halls of Bayside, Screech is dressed like Michael Jackson because Lisa said MJ was her ideal man at the slumber party. Lisa freaks out and threatens Screech. Jessie and Zack are talking about Kelly. Jessie does some more awful acting and tells Zack that she doesn't want to see him hurt and kisses him goodbye. Slater rolls in on a wheelchair. He tells Zack that Kelly put him in the chair. Zack doesn't believe it, but Slater convinces him. He's a much better actor than Jessie, which is why Mario Lopez is still a household name.

Zack is in Belding's office looking through the school records to make sure that Kelly is crazy. He sees that Kelly was in a home for the criminally insance. Belding walks in and Zack begs for help. Mr. Belding laughs hysterically and mocks Zack at the thought of Kelly being able to hurt him. Belding tries to put Zack at ease, but instead makes him more freaked out.

A note is being passed to Zack, it's from Kelly and it says "you can run but you can't hide." The bell rings. Lisa knocks the books out of Zack's hand, leaving him alone in the classroom with Kelly. Zack asks the audience to call 911, which I did. The operator was livid. Kelly is wiedling a baseball bat. She backs Zack up against the wall. He tries to escape, but the door is locked. Kelly's pants are up to her ribs. She's getting a headache. Zack escapes and says that he already has a date.

The dance is at the Max for some reason. I'm guessing they hadn't built a gym set. Zack is dancing with Rhonda. So in the end Zack does go with Rhonda. Kelly gives Zack the bug, and Lisa and Jessie also come clean about the fake mental institution diploma. Zack asks Kelly if she was going to take him to the dance and she says "you'll never know." Rhonda invites Zack over to her house for some premarital sex. Zack says he has to get home and Rhonda lays a huge french-style kiss on him. The End.