New Year's Resolutions 2012

At the end of every year the best writers of OYIT currently not in prison write down their resolutions for the proceeding year. Given that 2012 will likely be the last year on Earth for most of us, there has never been a more fitting time to jokingly make promises. Please hold us accountable for these resolutions, since you completely failed to do for these. Letting someone off the hook for all they’ve done wrong is a characteristic of Barack Obama. You can do better.


1. Vote for Ron Paul.

2. Edit my avatar on Xbox live to create the perfect pan-racial, pan-gender being.

3. Stop stealing from my parents’ bank account to buy credits on Xbox live.

4. Learn a new language every week.

5. Buy an Xbox.


- Vote for Ron Paul.

- Eat at every restaurant in Peoria, IL, before they are shut down by the health department.

- Make a Shot-for-shot remake of "Free Willy."


- Complete this Subway card I have had for two years and finally get my free sandwich.

- Beat my son at Frogger, but lose to him at any other video game we play, including Centipede.

- Sign a petition to get “Twister” rereleased in the theaters in 3D, even though my vision is too bad to see the 3D images.


- Start a habit of throwing salt over my shoulder superstitiously.

- Wear a belt made out of rope or electrical cord.

- Become a West Indian cricket player.

- Trick other cricketers into eating bugs.

- Run for president of a truck stop.

- Transcend time and space.

- Succeed Kim Jong Il as Supreme Leader of North Korea.

- Make, sit in, then eat, a chocolate chair.

- Swear at more strangers.

- Bring someone back from the dead, or at least buy some voodoo aerosol spray.

- Lose the truck stop presidential race to a homeless person.

- Trick more children into eating bugs.

- Mint my own coins for the Sovereign Citizen nation.

- Go to federal prison for tax evasion.

- Play the Jimi Hendrix version of the Star Spangled Banner on an electric guitar at the top of Mt. Everest, then self-immolate.

- Trick Sherpas into eating bugs.

- Buy a pet monkey.

- Train a pet monkey to throw salt over its shoulder superstitiously.

- Trick it into eating bugs.

- Reveal myself as the real killer of Jon-Benet Ramsey.

- Assassinate the president of a truck stop.

- Eat more bugs; wittingly or unwittingly.


- Learn more about farming. Particularly: various types of fertilizers and their different applications

- Learn the basic rules of thermodynamics and their significance in every day life

- Become more self reliant by learning hunting skills. Namely the ability to use a firearm to procure food, and also for potential self defense (obviously last resort stuff)

- Learn the basics of organic chemistry: how one substance might mix with another, and what kind of explosive consequences it could potentially bring about

- Research various quarries in my neighborhood, especially those currently undergoing expansion; potential for the start of a rock collection

- Make a new friend with similar interests

- Plan fun activities like seeing if you can figure out a way to rent a van under an assumed name or acquire demolition supplies (also under an assumed name)

- Eliminate the target

- Vote for Ron Paul

Have fun celebrating! We hope that you and Ron Paul survive!! Happy New Year from all of us here at One Year In Texas and the Sovereign Republic of Texas respectively!!!


  1. We should work together to make all of these things happen. It doesn't matter that we'll all be dead in 355 days. Let's give it one last hurrah!

  2. I love that picture of Ron Paul and his prospective cabinet! I'm sorry Jon-Benet!! I hope you DON'T survive, Mikey!!!

  3. Ron Paul is going to win, guys! So excited!

  4. I still hope someone is out in Iowa caucussing for RuPaul.

  5. Ron Paul win but they disqualified him because he was born on the sun.

    Also Bryan didn't do ANY of his resolutions.


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