Showing posts with label new year. Show all posts
Showing posts with label new year. Show all posts

Glenn's 2017 New Years Resolutions

By Glenn

Making resolutions for the upcoming year is, like voting, something we do to assert control in our unstable and uncertain lives. Many times this is the right choice and things actually change for the better. I did not make substantive resolutions in 2016 and the year was a disaster. Compare this to a wonderful year like 2014 where I strongly resolved to stop eating candy and cookies, which led to Robin Williams finally killing himself. It's too late to consider reviewing the material of two years ago so let's assume it all went as planned and dive right into 2017.

Add fruit snacks and yogurt to my banned food list
Like anyone else battling an eating disorder (vegetarianism), I find control from and define my identity by what I put into my mouth. Over the last three years I have successfully cut cookies and candy, as your brain can conceive of it, out of my diet. But like a river finding a new path around a dike, my sweet tooth forced alternate methods of satiation. Have you ever snorted Stevia? Anyway, this dietary whack-a-mole has forced me to add fruit snacks (or essentially any "non-candy" hiding in the candy aisle) and frozen yogurt to the banned foods list.

Take two concrete steps to learn more Spanish
¿Hablas español? I don't, as evidenced by the fact I used the very casual tü format in that question and then incorrectly used an umlaut instead of an accent when trying to explain my mistake. I do however have a background in studying the language and a very real need to get myself back up to a level where I can at least buy drugs or explain why all JJ Abrams creations produce existential disappointment. Taking a class is also a great way to meet friends!

Have a Dave Matthews Band Renaissance
I could have put a different artists in this slot (as there will be multiple renaissances this year) but since this list is online I want to follow the standard online playbook: say something in the most controversial way you can and then slowly walk your audience through unpacking it afterward. In the pretend vision of my social world, getting unironically back into DMB is only a step or two below ironically re-joining ISIS. But I want to be one of those people who loses hang-ups and biases as I get older instead of the people whose world view and interests solidify like the stone monuments I never helped ISIS destroy. So this year I will become a "Davehead" and listen to more sweet ass jams.

No more solitary games
...And I don't just mean solitaire! (Though I certainly mean that.) Whether on the phone or computer, I find myself going through distinct and powerful phases of filling boredom/dread/whatever with games. I'm not officially a gamer, but at one point a few years ago I played Euchre on my phone for a few hours straight! Most recently, I regressed during a trip to visit my parents by getting back into early high school favorite Warcraft 2. This resolution wouldn't be needed if I could leave this shameful the activity there (like my kids) or relegate it only to weekends (like my other kids), but I don't have that level of self control.

Watch a non-TV movie once a week
You: "Glenn you watch movies all the time! Feels like every time I open my AtHome app, I see you on that couch with a cold beer staring at the screen with that dead look in your eyes. Why would you possibly need to make a resolution about watching MORE movies on TV?"
Me: "Hear me out. First of all, the movies don't have to be on TV - they could also be in the theatre. Second of all, the movies I'm watching on my very limited cable package are usually terrible Hallmark or Lifetime productions. I watch them because they're on. By setting this goal, I'll be forced to intentionally choose something hopefully more highbrow - and I can use my new Letterboxd app to track it! Third of all, I hope you enjoyed what I did on Tuesday night. It was for you."

Thanks for reading. Let's check in at the middle of the year to see how everything is going. Below are some things that might help you out as you plan your 2017 resolutions:

How to Make Friends Faster

7 Simple Rules for Getting Lean in 2017
Old habits die hard. Here's how to change your life in 2017
To Live Remarkably, Repeat This 1 Affirmation Every Single Day for the Rest of Your Life
What a Sensory Isolation Tank Taught Me About My Brain
Play Warcraft 2 Online

Glenn's 2015 Resolutions (and 2014 reviewed)


By Glenn

As you all know, I made some incredibly brave resolutions for 2014, which I announced publicly for the same reason I do anything: a profound desire to be noticed.  Since I was the only person to make resolutions last year (and the only person in my peer group to take them seriously), I deserve my own New Years Resolutions article with a review of last year and a complete list of what's in store for 2015.

2014 Resolutions



Stop Checking Facebook so much
I wasn't able to do this on my own so I downloaded an app called SelfControl that helped me control my Facebook consumption along with many other disgusting urges that are an affront to Allah.  This was a bad resolution because it's not quantifiable unless you use a different app called RescueTime that tracks your online time.  I cannot use that app since my Salafist strain of Islam forbids it.
Verdict: Partially Completed

Switch to Paul or George
Still couldn't do this (Instant Karma is too good) but I did price out copies of the George Harrison boxed set.
Verdict: Failed

Learn Every World Capital
I neglected this until the very end, but over the last few weeks have surged like UN membership to an 88% memorization rate. Ironically those I'm having the most trouble remembering are the countries where I've spent the most time: Solomon Islands, Saint Lucia, Myanmar, et cetera.  If we go by the Russian Orthodox calendar I'll have this one complete in time.
Verdict: Mostly Completed

Use Google
Couldn't do it.  Still an Altavista guy and when I'm looking for something published after 1998 I use Duck Duck Go.
Verdict: Failed

Stop Eating Candy or Cookies
Without a doubt the hardest of the resolutions, this was one I'm most proud of completing.  Was I tempted? Sure. But this pledge was important: it dealt with a terrible behavior that was killing me and it was the only resolution I could smugly explain repeatedly around food.  It also worked because I could still eat other, lesser sweets like fruit snacks, donuts or high fat mint ice cream. 
Verdict: Success

2015 Resolutions



Read 12 books or one book per month, whichever is smaller
I read ten in 2014 (not counting anything from the Discworld series) so this should be doable. 

Sell my books 
Notice a fucked up book pattern here?  My heavy, homeless-esque usage of the library renders most of the books I do own and haven't read worthless to me, but worth anywhere from $2.49 to $10.99 to someone else, once I sell them on Half.com, the #1 site for selling your books online.

Contact my sister’s kids once a month
Part of being an uncle is living far away from your niece and nephew, but unless you want them to permanently view you as some weird version of Uncle Buck they gotta hear from you more often.  That way, they'll think o]f you as some weird version of Uncle Jesse.  Are there any famous uncles besides those from television and movies?

Maintain a budget on music purchases
I, like David Byrne, hold the crazy belief that people will eventually stop making music if they can't make a career from it.  That's why I try to financially support artists and record labels I enjoy by buying instead of stealing music.  At the same time, I have at times fallen into that consumer abyss where I attempt to spend my way out of anomie through Wilco boxed sets.  This year I will be making a small ($600) monthly budget allowable to be spent on albums in whatever form gives me the most indie cred.

Try stand up comedy
Although you wouldn't know it this article, I actually enjoy humor: both consuming and producing it.  Though I'm not funny enough for anyone to flippantly say to me "you should try stand up," I am funny enough to think I could do better than the many unfunny stand-up comedians I've seen.  OYIT's Jake's shocking rise to the top of the Midwest Comedy Scene has also inspired me since we wrote our first joke together back in 1997 (referring to a famous celebrity as 'Princess DIE-ana').  Hopefully 2015 will be the year I step onto the stage once to tell the same jokes that made me the hit at all my parents' key parties in the mid-70s. 

2015 New Years Resolutions


By Staff

As you’ve probably noticed from your out of date 2014 commemorative North Korean calendar, the year has changed.  With a new year comes new possibilities and new promises to be made to our lord and savior Jesus Christ.  The staff here at OYIT have been down this road several times: 2010, 2011, 2011, 2012, 2012 and finally 2014.  Unfortunately since the years keep coming so will our resolutions.  Read below for a peek at what we pledge to do in the upcoming, final year.

Jake’s Resolutions



2014 was a real rollercoaster ride of a year for me, as I spent a huge chunk of it fulfilling my previous New Year's resolution of riding every rollercoaster in the contiguous United States. Also, my partner of ten years broke up with me because of my rollercoaster adventures. This year things are going to be a little different.

1. Ride every water slide in the contiguous United States. Wet and wild, yet nice and mild. Exactly what the doctor ordered, which is exactly why I go to a twelve year old doctor.

2. See a movie. This is the year that I find out what all the fuss is about. Comment and tell me what the first movie I ever watch should be.

3. Obey the comedy rule of threes. I need to keep it brief, yet give enough examples to flesh out my point. The experts (Richard Lewis, Jeff Foxworthy, Louie Anderson) all say that three is the funniest number. Who am I to argue with legends?  Nobody.  I’m just a piece of shit, obviously.  So I will just do what my heroes do.

4. Never lie to strangers. I may end up married to them now that I am single, and I do not want to start off a relationship with a lie.

5. Find out if men are different from women.  This is important.  I do stand-up comedy and “Men are Different from Women” is the thesis of that medium.

Rishika's Resolutions


Ch-ch-ch-changes. That can sum up my 2014 in a nutshell. I overcame that speech impediment and I finally found a decent change jar. And boy! that change does add up quickly! I’d like to continue the momentum of this kind of success in 2015.

1. Save up enough money to change my boyfriend to one who buys me presents.
2. Move out of my nutshell and into a studio apartment. Time to live like an adult.
3. Save up those pennies and take a damn vacation. Thailand is nice this time of year.
4. Quit trying to save money and just get a job that pays better.
5. Ask Jake if he ever did find that rollercoaster of love and see if I can’t find a suitable partner and get married. I’m tired of blaming my life mistakes on myself. In 2015, I’m going to love myself and find a handsome partner to blame for my mistakes and unaccomplishments.

Ryan's Resolutions


Oh… I didn’t see you there… What’s up? Oh not much is new with me, just sitting here thinking about 2014, which was a pretty bad year. What do you say we resolve to make the world a little better? Here’s what I’m going to do:

1. Finally settle down and get married. I think it’s time I found someone to spend the rest of my life with, no matter how short and miserable it is. I’m slouching into my late thirties, and honestly, life isn’t really worth living, decrepit and alone with my many supercomputers. Why not share my supercomputers with someone I love and can constantly argue with? Hopefully Jan from the Toyota commercials reads this...

2. Renew my passport and maybe go somewhere cool. I’ve only been putting it off for like seven or eight years. Honestly I’m probably not going to do this.

3. Get the assholes at Panera to quit calling me “The Big Bitch Who Likes Soup.” I told them it was my name ONE TIME like four years ago and they won’t stop.

4. Gain, like, 30,000 pounds. I think this is possible.

5. Maybe go “online” and “be a dickhead” to “strangers?”

6. Get divorced. This is kind of contingent on #1, but literally everyone I know got divorced in 2014 - even people who weren’t married or hadn’t been born yet. I’d like to think it’s my fault, so I will. It’s high time I try this for myself.

7. Continue the slow, inexorable creep towards the fate that awaits all mortal beings (eating alone at Applebee’s).

8. Finally learn to read. This may be pushing it, but I can dream, right?

9. Get my teeth replaced with extremely sharp shards of glass that I can use to intimidate my many powerful enemies, such as those asshole Panera employees, my future ex-wife/-wives and/or ex-husband(s).

10. I’m going to start carrying a sword around all the time. Why not.

11. Suicide by cop.

Well, that’s it. If I’m not doing those things in the new year, I’ll be silently staring at a plain white wall while an unseen clock loudly ticks off the wasted seconds and I slowly rot from the inside. All in all, it looks like 2015 is going to be great! Let’s meet back here in a year to discuss our divorces!

New Years Resolutions 2014


By Glenn

This website has a notorious reputation for posting New Year's Resolutions and then forgetting about them like drowned hero Caylee Anthony. The staff first posted resolutions back in 2010 (the worst year on record), followed up by Glenn and Jake in 2011 and staff/Ryan in 2012. In 2013 there was no point because the world had ended on the Aztec Apocalypse® brought to you by State Farm Insurance. But now that the world is back, so is we I! Here are my 100% actual and real New Year's Resolutions® brought to you by Circuit City.

Stop Checking Facebook so much
I've opened and closed the Facebook.com website probably 20-30 times in the hour I've been attempting to write this article.  It would be more frequent but it's late at night and most of the teens I know are in bed.  I could deactivate my account but then the obsessive behavior would switch to Twitter or Snapchat, which a young person recently explained to me. This is by far the most difficult resolution and that's just the way Facebook likes it.
LIKELIHOOD OF SUCCESS: 5%

Stop Eating Candy and Cookies
Because I was raised by Midwesterners and have some genetic disorder, in me there is a strong inclination for junk food (similar to junk websites like Facebook).  This one sounds the hardest but I've done a similar boycott in 2012 in the period leading up the Summer Olympics (unrelated) and it's hard for me to be self righteous about other people's food choices if I make bad ones myself.
LIKELIHOOD OF SUCCESS: 90%

Stop Eating Old Batteries
Though it did get me on an as-of-yet-unaired episode of FXX's "My Crazy Obsession," eating batteries has otherwise produced no tangible benefits except a possible inoculation against autism.  And - not to be crude on a family site - "passing" them is not a pleasant experience, especially with the horrendous anal fissures I experienced throughout 2013.  2014 will be battery-free for me!
LIKELIHOOD OF SUCCESS: 98%

Switch to Paul or George
A great internet commenter once said...
I have a favorite beatle theory....you start off loving Ringo because as a child he is the one you identify with, you then either became a Paul or John fan depending on how angry you are as a teen, now then I think if you stay with Paul you remain a Paul fan and I don't know how I feel about that..if you go with John you either become entirely insufferable or you evolve into a George fan, beware anyone who's favorite Beatle is George before they are in their 20's. You can remain a george fan for the rest of your life and be perfectly fine if not a bit smug but in an Eastern philosophy sort of smug. I started off with Ringo, went to John, then George and I am now a Paul fan because I think he is the best songwriter in the band. If you stay on the Ringo stage you don't really like the Beatles, the other three all give you different paths but your path is determined when you decided that this was your favorite Beatle. A teenager who loves Paul songs exclusively is not someone whom you would like to spend time with much as a John fan in their 30's is not someone you would want to spend a lot of time with. Also note, I do not believe there is another musical group that could inspire this type of detail. Thank you.
...and I guess he's right. But I now have the Lennon boxed set and really wanted to start going through it.  Does anyone have a used W*I*N*G* cassette I could borrow? Just borrow!  Please comment if so. 
LIKELIHOOD OF SUCCESS: 30%

Learn Every World Capital
Not since battling my elementary school principle on multiplication flashcards in 3rd grade have I used what is essentially a party trick to convince myself and a few others of above average intelligence.  Unfortunately due to heavy DMT/LSD usage I've forgotten many of the capitals I used to know and let's face it: I never really KNEW Africa.  Since I love parties and hope one day to be shouting out answers to a high school geography club relentlessly quizzing me, it's time to finally learn them all for 2014 and forever.  Even Comoros.
LIKELIHOOD OF SUCCESS: 75%

Use Google
Surprisingly, I have never used Google to search for something on the internet but, privacy concerns aside, it does seem to be the best search engine.  I will try it one time in 2014.
LIKELIHOOD OF SUCCESS: 8%

Writing more on this website
LIKELIHOOD OF SUCCESS: 100%

New Year's Resolutions 2012




At the end of every year the best writers of OYIT currently not in prison write down their resolutions for the proceeding year. Given that 2012 will likely be the last year on Earth for most of us, there has never been a more fitting time to jokingly make promises. Please hold us accountable for these resolutions, since you completely failed to do for these. Letting someone off the hook for all they’ve done wrong is a characteristic of Barack Obama. You can do better.


Glenn:

1. Vote for Ron Paul.

2. Edit my avatar on Xbox live to create the perfect pan-racial, pan-gender being.

3. Stop stealing from my parents’ bank account to buy credits on Xbox live.

4. Learn a new language every week.

5. Buy an Xbox.


Jake

- Vote for Ron Paul.

- Eat at every restaurant in Peoria, IL, before they are shut down by the health department.

- Make a Shot-for-shot remake of "Free Willy."




Mikey

- Complete this Subway card I have had for two years and finally get my free sandwich.

- Beat my son at Frogger, but lose to him at any other video game we play, including Centipede.

- Sign a petition to get “Twister” rereleased in the theaters in 3D, even though my vision is too bad to see the 3D images.


Bub

- Start a habit of throwing salt over my shoulder superstitiously.

- Wear a belt made out of rope or electrical cord.

- Become a West Indian cricket player.

- Trick other cricketers into eating bugs.

- Run for president of a truck stop.

- Transcend time and space.

- Succeed Kim Jong Il as Supreme Leader of North Korea.

- Make, sit in, then eat, a chocolate chair.

- Swear at more strangers.

- Bring someone back from the dead, or at least buy some voodoo aerosol spray.



- Lose the truck stop presidential race to a homeless person.

- Trick more children into eating bugs.

- Mint my own coins for the Sovereign Citizen nation.

- Go to federal prison for tax evasion.

- Play the Jimi Hendrix version of the Star Spangled Banner on an electric guitar at the top of Mt. Everest, then self-immolate.

- Trick Sherpas into eating bugs.

- Buy a pet monkey.

- Train a pet monkey to throw salt over its shoulder superstitiously.

- Trick it into eating bugs.

- Reveal myself as the real killer of Jon-Benet Ramsey.

- Assassinate the president of a truck stop.

- Eat more bugs; wittingly or unwittingly.


Bryan

- Learn more about farming. Particularly: various types of fertilizers and their different applications

- Learn the basic rules of thermodynamics and their significance in every day life

- Become more self reliant by learning hunting skills. Namely the ability to use a firearm to procure food, and also for potential self defense (obviously last resort stuff)

- Learn the basics of organic chemistry: how one substance might mix with another, and what kind of explosive consequences it could potentially bring about

- Research various quarries in my neighborhood, especially those currently undergoing expansion; potential for the start of a rock collection

- Make a new friend with similar interests

- Plan fun activities like seeing if you can figure out a way to rent a van under an assumed name or acquire demolition supplies (also under an assumed name)

- Eliminate the target

- Vote for Ron Paul



Have fun celebrating! We hope that you and Ron Paul survive!! Happy New Year from all of us here at One Year In Texas and the Sovereign Republic of Texas respectively!!!

New Year's Resolutions 2011

By Glenn 

If you were reading this website a year ago, you no doubt remember this. By laying out our resolutions for 2010, our readers had the tools to hold us accountable for what we did and didn't do in the previous year. Unfortunately they chose not to do that and none of our resolutions came true. I'm taking extreme precautions to make sure this year will be different.


Here are my New Year's Resolutions for the year of 2011 in the year of our lord.

#1 - Find the real DC Snipers

This has always bugged me. There is no way John Allen Muhammad and Lee Boyd Malvo, driving a blue 1990 Chevrolet Caprice sedan, could have committed all those murders. Much in the way OJ Simpson offered a reward for help in finding the "real killers," I will give my entire VHS collection to whoever comes forward and admits to the shootings. I know too many people in DC to let the real snipers roam free. Justice cannot go unserved any longer.

#2 - Get rid of all my VHS tapes

VHS tapes used to be great, but now they're just weighing me down - LITERALLY! I carry them everywhere I go just in case I find someone with a VCR, allowing me to watch Being John Malkovich, Lawrence of Arabia or Nick of Time starring Johnny Depp. I'm sick of carrying these tapes and if I can find some useful way to get rid of them I gladly will. Then my 2012 resolution can be to get rid of the hundreds of High Definition DVDs I bought before Toshiba went out of business.

#3 - Quit telling lies about Toshiba


The lies I began telling about Toshiba came from a righteous place: my new year's resolutions of 2004. The previous year a friend of mine got a Toshiba computer that turned out to be crap! Also, I had a Toshiba DVD player that wouldn't play any of the HD DVDs that a future self came back in time to deliver to me. Thus I started a campaign to discredit Toshiba in every way possible, from sarcastic tumblrs (then known as "tumblers") to protests outside Best Buy stores to frivolous lawsuits claiming the Toshiba DVD player had started recording video from my living room and sending it to Toshiba headquarters in Tokyo. I cooled my vendetta a bit after they agreed to stop recording me but started it again after Obama was elected President. No more lies, though, Toshiba. I promise.

#4 - Stop Shopping at Best Buy

There are many reasons to boycott Best Buy: their treatment of slaves during the 1700s, the pejorative term "Geek Squad" and their refusal to let people protesting their stores use their public bathrooms. We all have a collective, Japanese-style shame for our role in causing Circuit City to go out of business. We did it by shopping at Best Buy. The best way to get Circuit City BACK in business is by refusing to shop at Best Buy. This will not be hard for me to do as I have not been allowed in a Best Buy since March 31st, 2006, but I frequently use their website to purchase "Our Gang" HD DVDs.

#5 - Kill My Future Self When He Comes Back to Visit Me

There is a website called Future Me where normal people like you can write emails to be read by the site's owners while a team of interns search for your real name and the ability to blackmail you. I don't need to use this site to talk to my future self, as he visits me once or twice a year. He usually travels from roughly five years in the future, but I'm not going to give up any of the information he told me. It's better to be surprised, which is why I plan to kill him the next time he comes to see me. It'll be a surprise to him, but not to me. This will ensure I start valuing my life more than I have been because there will be a known end date. If no one is going to keep me accountable for this year's resolutions I'll do it myself. This is the only realistic way I see how.


Happy New Year!

Good Morning from OYIT [last day of 2009]

By Glenn There's something very special about today. For many people today will be the last day they wake up in prison. Nationwide almost 40% of the nonviolent offenders currently in prison will be paroled effective January 1st, 2010. That's tomorrow. And that's what budget shortfalls do to states. The best about the year finishing up is that after today everything changes. If you're unhappy, tomorrow you have one chance to become happy for the next year. If you're broke, tomorrow you'll have a chance to become rich for the next year. If you're drunk today, tomorrow you can become sober.

[We all have the opportunity to change our lives every day. You should use tomorrow as motivation if it's motivation you need, but don't pack a bunch of bad experiences into today with the the hope that 2010 can be better.]

Today's Weather

If you believe Nostradamus, you probably think today is going to start out with lovely weather but by evening the sky will be full of blood and frogs will be raining down from the sky. Fortunately the real forecast is substantially different from that. Some of us will be dealing with precipitation but it's not going to be too cold anywhere in our great nation. Frogs are nowhere to be found on the doppler.


Today's Bob Dylan Album

The length of time it has taken me to finally listen to Bob Dylan's Bringing It All Back Home is criminal, which is why I've been in prison this entire year (and why I can't wait to get out tomorrow). I'd rather stay in prison, though, than lose this album from my life. I like tons of songs on it! The lyrics are iconic/ironic and the guitar licks are as good anything John Frusciante did on Californication. If you don't like Bob Dylan at this point you never will, but if you like him and haven't listened to this album lately please bust it out. My favorite song right now is It's Alright, Ma (I'm Only Bleeding). Wikipedia says: "In a 2004 interview Dylan called song "magically written" and said he didn't know how he got to write the lyrics. He further stated that he couldn't write songs of that calibre anymore."


Today's Year-End Retrospection

This website, One Year in Texas, has been open almost an entire year. 2009 was the year we learned whether Barack Obama would fulfill his campaign promises. For me, it was a year of personal highs and lows, latitudinally and emotionally. Michael Jackson finally died and John Updike had only begun to live, like the ten thousand fetuses they were aborted this year. The point is that 2009 was much different than the other years before it. We should acknowledge that and then move onto 2010, which will probably be the most like 2007.


Today's Prediction
To celebrate the close of the year which contained the 44th anniversary of Bringing It All Back Home, people will go see a Bob Dylan cover band for New Year's Eve concert. Unfortunately some of those people will see the real Bob Dylan, just freed from prison as a non-violent offender. I'll think about what it'd be like to go to sleep tonight and wake up in the morning of January 1st 2009 to live that year over again. Whether that actually happens will be revealed in tomorrow's Good Morning post.