New Year's Resolutions 2011

By Glenn 

If you were reading this website a year ago, you no doubt remember this. By laying out our resolutions for 2010, our readers had the tools to hold us accountable for what we did and didn't do in the previous year. Unfortunately they chose not to do that and none of our resolutions came true. I'm taking extreme precautions to make sure this year will be different.

Here are my New Year's Resolutions for the year of 2011 in the year of our lord.

#1 - Find the real DC Snipers

This has always bugged me. There is no way John Allen Muhammad and Lee Boyd Malvo, driving a blue 1990 Chevrolet Caprice sedan, could have committed all those murders. Much in the way OJ Simpson offered a reward for help in finding the "real killers," I will give my entire VHS collection to whoever comes forward and admits to the shootings. I know too many people in DC to let the real snipers roam free. Justice cannot go unserved any longer.

#2 - Get rid of all my VHS tapes

VHS tapes used to be great, but now they're just weighing me down - LITERALLY! I carry them everywhere I go just in case I find someone with a VCR, allowing me to watch Being John Malkovich, Lawrence of Arabia or Nick of Time starring Johnny Depp. I'm sick of carrying these tapes and if I can find some useful way to get rid of them I gladly will. Then my 2012 resolution can be to get rid of the hundreds of High Definition DVDs I bought before Toshiba went out of business.

#3 - Quit telling lies about Toshiba

The lies I began telling about Toshiba came from a righteous place: my new year's resolutions of 2004. The previous year a friend of mine got a Toshiba computer that turned out to be crap! Also, I had a Toshiba DVD player that wouldn't play any of the HD DVDs that a future self came back in time to deliver to me. Thus I started a campaign to discredit Toshiba in every way possible, from sarcastic tumblrs (then known as "tumblers") to protests outside Best Buy stores to frivolous lawsuits claiming the Toshiba DVD player had started recording video from my living room and sending it to Toshiba headquarters in Tokyo. I cooled my vendetta a bit after they agreed to stop recording me but started it again after Obama was elected President. No more lies, though, Toshiba. I promise.

#4 - Stop Shopping at Best Buy

There are many reasons to boycott Best Buy: their treatment of slaves during the 1700s, the pejorative term "Geek Squad" and their refusal to let people protesting their stores use their public bathrooms. We all have a collective, Japanese-style shame for our role in causing Circuit City to go out of business. We did it by shopping at Best Buy. The best way to get Circuit City BACK in business is by refusing to shop at Best Buy. This will not be hard for me to do as I have not been allowed in a Best Buy since March 31st, 2006, but I frequently use their website to purchase "Our Gang" HD DVDs.

#5 - Kill My Future Self When He Comes Back to Visit Me

There is a website called Future Me where normal people like you can write emails to be read by the site's owners while a team of interns search for your real name and the ability to blackmail you. I don't need to use this site to talk to my future self, as he visits me once or twice a year. He usually travels from roughly five years in the future, but I'm not going to give up any of the information he told me. It's better to be surprised, which is why I plan to kill him the next time he comes to see me. It'll be a surprise to him, but not to me. This will ensure I start valuing my life more than I have been because there will be a known end date. If no one is going to keep me accountable for this year's resolutions I'll do it myself. This is the only realistic way I see how.

Happy New Year!


  1. Your future self will know that you are going to kill him because 5 years earlier he killed the future version of himself, which is now him.

  2. If you still have all your VHS's in 5 years, can I have them after your past self kills your present self?


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