Untertainment Weakly (2-25-11)

By Jake 

Warner Bros. are remaking/rebooting "The Bodyguard." Also, they are remaking "Soap Dish," which is absolutely beffuddling. "Soap Dish." Really? Could we please stop remaking fucking movies? Make my movie about a robot that reads a book about love and goes on a killing spree, I call it "Robotic Love Syndrome."

CBS pulled the plug on "Two and a Half Men." When asked for a comment, Charlie Sheen blew crack smoke into the reporters face. Also, he released multiple rants.

Chelsea Handler has joined the sitcom based on her. Doesn't make much sense for her not to be in it from the start, but that's show business for you.

Justin Bieber got a haircut and is going to auction off his hair. Quick, somebody buy it and make a merkin.

Ted "Golden Radio Voice" Williams is getting his own reality show. For more on Ted Williams read: Debate: Is Ted Williams a Role Model?

Movies Coming Out Today

Drive Angry - In this movie, Nicolas Cage wears a wig and overacts, which is not unlike 75% of Nic Cage movies recently released. The title makes you think this is almost another sequel to "The Fast and the Furious," because it features both driving and negative emotion. Is this movie about road rage? I have no idea. It might not even be about driving, but rather a play on the Fine Young Cannibals hit song "She Drives me Crazy." That song is also not actually about driving, but rather, being in love. This movie could be about love, but I would guess that it's actually about literal driving and probably shooting people. Roger Ebert did not review this movie, so I would guess that it sucks. Rotten Tomatoes has it at 57%. That isn't awful, but it ain't good. I would say, save your money.

Hall Pass - Two friends, Jason Sudeikis and Owen Wilson, are given a "hall pass" from their wives to have sex with any women they want for a week. Sounds ripped straight from the pages of a "Curb Your Enthusiasm" script. Also, it sounds absolutely awful! I know that there is a segment of the population that is dying for a good comedy, but I do not think this one is it. Cedar Rapids was supposed to be good and nobody saw it, they saw that shitty Adam Sandler movie (I know, which one?) instead. I think you might be better off seeing the Sandler movie than this, because that at least has Jennifer Anniston in it, this one has Christina Applegate! Plus, Owen Wilson is still making movies. Why? I thought he killed himself. Okay, just don't see this. Something good will come out soon. We're moving out of February (traditionally the worst money-making month for movies).

I Do Actually Like Stuff, Too
I watched Hayao Miyazaki's "Kiki's Delivery Service." It follows a 13-year-old witch leaving home and opening a delivery service out of a bakery. It is cute, and maybe meant for young girls. Yet, I liked it anyway.

Jessica Lea Mayfield's album "Tell Me" - During the few days when there wasn't snow on the ground and it was nearly 60 out, this was the perfect album. I would say it is in the genre of Alt-Country. I can't wait for the 8 inches of snow that fell last night to melt away to listen to it on a mild, sunny day.

Jerry Maguire: By the Numbers

By Glenn 



If you're visiting One Year in Texas this week, you probably came from reading the February 2011 Jerry Maguire Fan Club Newsletter. Welcome and "you complete me." Today we will go over some of the most and least well known facts and figures, numerically, associated with the film Jerry Maguire. To former fan club Presidents like myself and Ted Kaczynski (the Unabomber), this will be old hat. I hope the rest of you enjoy and an advance apology to autistics because these numbers are not prime.




1991 - Year Jerry Maguire novel published

12/13/1996 - Date film version was released

3 - Number of Blockbuster Films Awards won

6 - Edits done to bring movie from NC-17 to R

$50,000,000 (estimated) - budget

10% - Percentage of budget devoted to ridding cast and crew of body thetans



139 - Minutes in the film

$11.2 million - Size of the Contract Jerry Obtained for Rod Tidwell with the Arizona Cardinals

6 - Muslim countries who banned Jerry Maguire and have subsequently experienced turmoil



2 of 6 - rank of Jerry Maguire relative to other Cameron Crowe films

258,205,112 - Times "Show Me the Money!" has been said sincerely or ironically since film's release

2 - Tears I cried last night while the climactic scene with Rob Tidwell in the tunnel after his catch

2 - Languages featured in the movie (English + ASL)

$270 Million - Total Gross of the film

$6.8 Million - Cost of home Renee Zellweger bought in 2002



$0.65 - Cheapest used price of the DVD on Amazon

5,637 - Words in full version of Jerry's "Mission Statement" at the beginning of the film

13 - College house parties where I have recited the entire "Mission Statement" from memory

0 - Sexual experiences I've had that can hold a candle to Jerry and Dorothy's first time

8 of 10 - Point on the scale of how mad I was at Jerry O'Connell's Frank Cushman character for betraying Jerry Maguire

268 - User reviews on IMDb

9 - User reviewers submitted by Ted Kaczynski via mail to IMDb



235 - Fan letters I have sent to Cameron Crowe because of this movie

234 - Fan letters that were returned to me as undeliverable

30 minutes - Amount of time per day that I spend trying to remember what was in that other letter

When to Show the Money (And When Not To)

By Jake 

The most remembered line from Jerry Maguire is arguably the “Show me the Money!” What they fail to tell you, though, is that there are certain situations where showing the money is not appropriate. For you, dear readers, I am going to remedy that error on Cameron Crowe’s part.

The most apropos time to show money is during a drug, firearm or human trafficking deal. If you fail to show the money, your seller may not take you serious, or worse, kill you. The best way to contain the money, as I learned from movies (not Jerry Maguire, though), is in a briefcase, preferably metallic.

Another apt time for money showing is when you are trying to impress a potential mate via your wealth. This may not apply to a great deal of our readers, but it is important to list nevertheless. If you lack charm, this is a good way to win over a shallow love interest.

When you are using cash to buy good or services at a store, it is pretty necessary to show the clerk the money. Debit and credit cards are a good way to skirt around this if you have a phobia of cash or money showing. Nothing beats cash, though. Might as well show it if you got it.

The worst time to show money is in a bad part of the city, in a rather unpopulated area. Flashing you money around is a good way to lure criminal types toward you in order to take your cash. It would be best to stay out of such areas unless you absolutely need to get some heroin because you are junk sick.

There are not many times when showing money is a bad idea, you simply must use caution. Remember the ABC’s of showing money: Always Be Careful when showing the money. Hopefully this article has provided some insight that you can apply to your life. That is why I wrote it.

Debate: Is Jerry Maguire Week a Good Idea?

By Glenn & Jake 

Jerry Maguire week was born out of a joke and is the perfect example of how a joke can ruin you life.

Glenn: do you ever thoughtcatalog.com
Jake: haha i haven't. i'll look at it now.
is this a jerry maguire fan site? [Note: there was a picture of Tom Cruise as Jerry Maguire on the front page.]
Glenn: I wish!!
Jake: let's do a jerry maguire week on OYIT
i'll write an article about how renee zellwegger is the sexiest woman on earth
Glenn: haha
no one would read that
Jake: not even rz?

And thus, Jerry Maguire was unceremoniously born. Although I created it, I am 100% against its existence. Glenn, however, will not let it die. In this debate, we will try to figure out who is correct. If anybody will even bother reading any of the articles from Jerry Maguire week, or if we are just wasting our invaluable time.

Glenn: We haven't had a theme week on OYIT since the anniversary of the Challenger explosion. During that time we grappled with the memory of disaster and how to laugh in its face. Jerry Maguire was not a disaster but affected our lives more than the Challenger ever could, even if it went to space correctly and then came back. This is a movie that almost changed the face of cinema by launching Renée Zellweger's career, Cuba Gooding Jr's Oscar win and Facebook. Literally millions of people around the country were screaming "Show me the money!" and not just on the coasts but even in the Midwest, Mormon West, Great Plains and former slave-holding states of the Confederacy. Another catch phrase was "You had me at hello" but truth be told this was much more than a slogan to market on t-shirts. This was what movie audiences said to the film Jerry Maguire and what I hope our readers will say to us this week.

Jake: Jerry Maguire week is a terrible idea. Jerry Maguire is a movie from 1996 and I doubt anybody who reads this website even likes it very much. I do not like it. It is nothing more than a romantic comedy with a sports backdrop to trick men into watching it with their girlfriends, wives or gay lovers. "Show me the money!" is a catchphrase that is as grating as anything Austin Powers ever said, and thankfully, unlike those of Austin Powers, this catchphrase died a long time ago. Cuba Gooding Jr. recieved an undeserved Oscar, and you need to look no further than his entire filmography besides Jerry Maguire to come to that realization. Omar Gooding was more deserving of an Oscar win for his work on Wild 'n' Crazy Kids and Hanging with Mr. Cooper. This is going to be the week that chases off the 30 people that still make the time to read this website, although we put a lot of work into it. The people who don't read OYIT anymore are as dead as Jerry Maguire is to me.

Glenn: It sounds like you're bringing a lot of your emotional baggage into this debate, which as you know is against the rules. We are here to debate whether or not we should be having Jerry Maguire week, not whether your parents should have stayed married. I'll admit that Cuba Gooding Jr's performance in Snow Dogs was beneath his Oscar, but so was Jodie Foster's in the second Big Momma's House film. Should we take her Oscar away? Or Mel Gibson's, for being an incorrigible bigoted conservative? That is another debate. Think of how many people google "show me the money" every day, whether ironically or with the sincerely of Tom Cruise's speech to Renée Zellweger. Now think of what website they will be visiting: us. We lose too many "searchers" to IMDb and Wikipedia as it is, so why not chart a course that will direct people back to OYIT? Now we can and are.

Jake: Your point makes about as much sense as taking Bobby Fischer to a dinner for the Jewish Defence League. We will not be skimming any searchers away from IMDB or Wikipedia. Since when are you even worried about getting search hits? We did a debate about the "Ground Zero Mosque" and you entitled it instead with Park 51, a term for which nobody is searching. If we wanted search hits, we could have had "Lady Gaga Week" or "Liam Neeson's #1 Movie in America Week." "Show me the money!" is more outdated than your CD collection, which happens to feature many albums from the year this film was released, 1996. You are hoping that the readers or our site are as hopelessly naustalgic as you are, and I doubt that more than 75% of them are. I sincerely doubt there are millions of people searching for "Show me the money!" Maybe 15 a day.

Glenn: Your attempts to insult me by evoking the albums of 1996 [such as (What's the Story) Morning Glory?] are as transparent as mainstream conservatives bigotry towards Muslims during the Park 51 controversy. I didn't want to call it "ground zero mosque" because there are lines this website will not sink below. "Lady Gaga Week" would be beneath us, but Jerry Maguire is not. Enough time has passed since the movie was released that if we are to devote such time and attention to it, it is purely from love and a desire to bring in new readers. I actually checked Google's analytics in the United States and they claim that 14,357 people searched for "Show me the money!" yesterday - and that was on President's Day! Think about how high it will be on the anniversary of the movie's release or when Tom Cruise turns into pure energy.

Jake: I refuse to spend any extra time thinking about Jerry Maguire. Even having this debate has me filled with more rage than when Glenn finds out a Soul Asylum concert is sold out while trying to purchase tickets. Jerry Maguire is an okay movie, features a grating, overused catchphrase and undeservedly won an Oscar. If this is the criteria to get your own week on OYIT, then we might as well board up the windows, lock the doors, put a belt around our necks and masturbate furiously until all of the oxygen has left out lungs. Then we can go to Heaven and watch Jerry Maguire and listen to the albums of Soul Asylum on repeat. The End.

Check Out These other Debates
Is Poison Ivy 2 Worth Watching?
Should Park51 be Built on Ground Zero?
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Life With Mikey (Jerry Maguire Special Edition)

By Mikey 

I was asked to kick-off Jerry Maguire week with a special edition of Life with Mikey. It is one of my favorite movies, so I agreed. I hope you enjoy it and all of the articles for Jerry Maguire week.



Has anyone ever tried using the line “you had me at hello?” I wonder if it works.

I just googled it and it looks like the human head weighs 8 to 12 pounds, so that kid was half right. PolitiFact would rate this one “partially true.”

What ever happened to that kid? I haven’t seen anything since Little Vampires was released.

Say what you will about Tom Cruise and Scientology, but at least he had the guts to start his own talent agency.

People usually think that Jerry Maguire is a chick flick, but it’s really about football.

Jerry Maguire made over $270 million dollars. That’s like every American paying one dollar to see it. Too bad you can’t do that anymore. Don’t you miss the dollar cinemas?

Jay Mohr is good in Jerry Maguire, as to be expected.

Show me the money! was actually a good catchphrase. Better than “Do I make your horny” from the Austin Powers films because it’s family friendly.

Why didn’t they make a sequel?

My wife got me Jerry Maguire on VHS for Christmas. Remember VHS and when we had to wait so long for movies to be released? I don’t know if those were the “good old days” but I know films like Maguire make me think they were.

Renée Zellweger is one of the most beautiful movie stars of the 1990s.

I was glad to see a movie with so many different races. It’s better than those Tyler Perry movies that only have black people in them.