Untertainment Weakly (5-06-2011)

By Jake 

Sony may rescue “All My Children” and “One Life to Live.” I do not watch these shows, but support them being on the air, as long as nobody makes me watch them.

Quentin Tarantino has announced his next film, “Django Unchained,” which will undoubtedly be to Spaghetti Westerns what Kill Bill was to Kung Fu flicks. The original Django is among my favorite Westerns and is streaming on Netflix right now.

Mariah Carey had fucking twins!

“Fast Five” made a ton of money, over $80 million!

Judge Judy has signed a deal to keep her show on until 2015! That’s three years after the Mayans allegedly predicted the world to end. I say allegedly because who can read one of those stupid fucking calendars?

“Bones” is coming back for a seventh season.

Your nightmares have become a reality: “Sister Act” is headed to Broadway.

Movies Out Today
Thor - The classic Greek myth/god comes to life in this big screen adaptation of his life. See him deal with his father Zeus, marvel as he controls thunder or whatever it is that he does and watch as he fights Stringer Bell from The Wire as he tries to deal heroin. This movie has a bit of everything for polytheists and fans of The Wire. Personally, I can’t wait to see Stringer Bell have guys sling dope in glorious 3D. This is the first must-see film this year, unless this isn’t the real plot.

Something Borrowed - Hey, another shit romantic comedy starring Kate Hudson. I guess this is to syphon off the women who aren’t going to see Thor. Kate Hudson needs a husband, but she is single. In an update on the classic Adam Sandler/Jennifer Aniston film “Just Go With It,” Hudson borrows her bff’s husband in order to get a membership to an exclusive country club she has just been dying to get into. This country club is seriously fucking good, so it is pretty understandable. I’d say avoid the remake and just see the original.

Other Thoughts
No real other thoughts today. I woke up at noon today and am trying to get this out as quickly as I can (I did a big chunk of it last night, don’t worry, it wasn’t rushed). Thank you for reading and check out the “Best of...” section up at the top. Also, free whatever rappers are in jail right now.

Ultimate Tournament Of Champions


By Bub 

Antonio had saved up for months to pay the entry fee to the Hungry Hungry Hippos Ultimate Championship Tournament. He trained at home every night and on weekends. He thought about Hungry Hungry Hippos all day at his job stocking the shelves at an office supply store. Ever since he was a little boy growing up in western Kansas he dreamt of becoming the premier triple H professional in the United States and then the world. Now he had grown up, moved to the Hungry Hungry Hippos capital of the world - Fort Meyers, Florida; and was all set to participate in the Hungry Hungry Hippos Ultimate Championship Tournament which was to commence in less than three hours.

Antonio wanted to get there a couple hours early to stake out the best table position. He was hindered by an attempted car jacking on his way to the tournament. The thief ran up to Antonio's car at a stop sign, yanked open the door, pointed a .38 special to Antonio's face and demanded that he flee his vehicle. Antonio was so primed for the tournament that his fight response kicked in at an exponential rate and he grabbed the thief's arm that held the gun and bit out a large chunk of the thief's wrist. The thief stood there shocked, screaming and bleeding to death as Antonio proceeded through the intersection and continued on to the tournament. He chewed and swallowed the flesh rather than waste time spitting it out.

He showed up at Parker Brothers Arena with blood all over his face and clothes. People that saw him in this state were remarkably unstartled. He entered the arena, waited in line until the start, signed in at the sign-in table and entered the tournament floor. He looked around and had only the time to be dumbfounded by the spectacle of mortal combat between men and emaciated hippos all around him. There was blood and tears and gore and sweat flying through the air at such a velocity that it coagulated into a sort of horrific mist. A hippo immediately bit through Antonio's rib cage and he died there on the tournament floor, without winning a championship.

Debate: Hamburgers vs. Veggie Burgers

By Glenn and Jake 

People love burgers, as evidenced by the massive popularity of the FOX TV show “Bob’s Burgers,” loosely based on the moderately funny and similarly animated “Home Movies.” Burgers in all their forms are the false gods warned about in the Bible and strongly warned about in the Qur’an. We all commit a deadly sin by worship them instead of you-know-who but what kind of burger represents gluttony - the worst sin of all? This week Jake and Glenn pick up the ketchup and mustard, respectively, and discuss the best burger of all.

Glenn: A famous musician and Briton once said “meat is murder.” A less famous record producer and wig-wearer once killed an actress and is serving time in a Californian jail for it. Somewhere in between you’ll find me, passionately advocating for so-called “veggie burgers” and less passionately condemning those to hell who eat regular hamburgers. I have many rare and well done points to make in defense of veggie burgers, but the best is framed around morality and ethics. Though I do not fully understand what these two words mean in a philosophical sense, we can all understand the revulsion of seeing a video of a cow shot in the head who wanders around half alive / half dead like some sort of twenty year government employee. Maybe it’s time to give that cow a break or you’re going to find yourself suffering the same fate.

Jake: I am a pescetarian, which means I eat fish, but no meat. Yet, I do not understand people who eat so-called “veggie” burgers. First of all, they are made out of soybeans, which are legumes. Really, you are eating legume burgers, not burgers made out of vegetables. Eating a veggie burger is like wearing jeggings. They aren’t really jeans and they aren’t really burgers, so what’s the point? If you are a vegetarian, why do you want to replicate the food that meat eaters consume? Is that not a self-defeatist attitude? Are you not basically saying through your actions that people who eat meat are right because their food tastes better so you must reproduce it out of legumes? I may not be a food scientist, but as an American I feel like I can spout definitive opinions without having any really backing or proof. Therefore, veggie burgers are much worse than hamburgers and vegetarians who eat them are silently saying that meat eaters are right eating the food in which they partake.

Glenn: I am a vegetarian, which means I have an eating disorder that I try to pass off as an ethical choice. Like any real American, I was raised eating meat and am very familiar with “veggie” products that use soy and small pebbles to substitute what used to the dead carcass of an animal - an animal with a family, a job, hopes and dreams. I used to have all of those things, but now I just have veggie burgers. Of course I eat them to cling on to a time in my life where I ate meat! At no point in my militant proselytism of vegetarianism have I made the case people should stop eating meat because it tastes bad. It tastes fine, especially hamburgers. In a recent episode of Parks and Recreation, everyone agreed regular hamburgers were delicious. Legume burgers, as Jake would demand they be called, come close to mimicking the taste of cow hamburgers without the rotten taste of death.

Jake: If death tastes so rotten then why do we all die? (That is a merely a rhetorical question.) Speaking of rotten, veggie burgers do not taste all that good. I have choked a few down in my time, but I have also choked myself to reach a shameful climax. Neither, as I see it, are worth the effort. Buying pre-made veggie burgers at the supermarket is tremendously expensive. Meat burgers are more inexpensive and the materials to make them--graying, ground up cow muscle--is more widely available than textured soy or vegetable protein. Although it is true that a hamburger contains little to no ham, a point that Glenn has not even made(!), they are still better than veggie burgers, which contain no vegetables. The cow population in America is exploding like the World Trade Center when a couple of planes hit it on that fateful September morning and Osama bin Laden’s head on that beautiful May evening. Hamburgers are as American as chanting “USA!” to celebrate the death of a Middle Eastern man and veggie burgers are as un-American as protesting government sanctioned murder on Twitter and Facebook.

Glenn: You just took this debate down a dark road that no one was expecting. Certainly the American Cattle Industry has killed more living things than Osama bin Laden. The cow population is exploding but unlike developing countries it isn’t because women lack family planning options. It’s because farmers keep creating more and more cows - using their own sperm when necessary - to satisfy the needs of a burger hungry nation. Pre-made veggie burgers are more expensive than cow burgers because the hidden costs of the latter aren’t factored it. What if companies producing hamburgers were forced to take into account the lost productivity of the 100 million people worldwide that contracted “hoof and mouth” disease? What if they had to pass along the price of disposing of the excess cow? Instead you and I go to Coney Island in the summer, our child builds a sand castle with bovine skull parts and we see a cow heart in the ocean. That’s not how I want to spend my summer vacation, so please serve me a delicious Morningstar Grilled Veggie Burger the next time you have me over for a barbecue. Thank you.

Jake: First of all, you are welcome and completely wrong! There are no hidden costs when it comes to delicious cow flesh shaped into circular (or square if you’re eating at Wendy’s) patties known as the hamburger. The only “hidden” cost is the money you will lose playing the stock market because you are too busy savoring the flame-broiledness of a piping hot ‘burger on a steamed sesame bun. I would never force a person to eat a hamburger, because I am not a monster, but if I ever catch somebody eating a veggie burger they should strap themselves in for some good old fashion ridicule. The only pre-made vegetarian version of meat I would ever condone the eating of is hot dogs. Hot dogs made of meat are awful and have those little balls in them and nobody knows what the fuck those things are! It is 2011, isn’t it time to stop pretending we are eating meat and learn how to eat actual vegetables?

Bub's Public Joke File: Osama Bin Laden Edition


By Bub 

If Osama Bin Laden, Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer enter into a contest to see who can go the longest without masturbating, Osama Bin Laden will win.

Despite Bin Laden's deep hatred of Jews, Kramer would still be the most racist.

If Osama Bin Laden was a red-haired orphan, adopted by a millionaire military-industrialist, he could no longer in good conscience sing 'The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow'.

And apparently 'It's a Hard Knock Life'.

He will continue to sing 'You're never fully dressed without a smile'.

And that song by Lady Antebellum.

He never drank, but he made his fair share of 'Qat-calls' to ex-girlfriends.

Then he had them beheaded.

C-material - If Osama Bin Laden were a character from The Wizard Of Oz, he wouldn't be The Wicked Witch, and he wouldn't be the Scarecrow though he is now missing his brain; nor would he be the Tin Man even though he is as heartless a bastard as they come; and he wouldn't even be the Cowardly Lion even though he stridently mocked innocent victims of his terrorist attacks but then used a woman (because he thought women were inferior) as a human shield; he'd be that dead munchkin hanging in the background in the forest.

B Material - If Osama Bin Laden were a character from The Wizard Of Oz, he'd be that dead munchkin hanging in the background in the forest.

A material - If Osama Bin Laden were a character from The Wizard Of Oz, he'd be that dead dwarf. Or maybe Uncle Henry.

If bullet-faced Osama Bin Laden were a judge on American Idol, he'd still look more like an alive human being than Steven Tyler.

If Osama Bin Laden watched Toy Story 3, he'd still cry at the ending.

For wasting two hours of his afterlife.

If Osama Bin Laden were in the NBA playoffs, he would NOT DO VERY WELL!

AND

If Osama Bin Laden were Martin Luther King he'd still be pretty happy we killed Osama Bin Laden.

Reflections on Osama bin Laden

By Mikey 

Hi guys! I'm sure we have all heard the news by now, Osama bin Laden is dead. The war on terror has finally ended. Just think, a week ago everybody was asking Presiden Obama to show us his birth certificate. He has proven that he is the most American person to have ever lived by killing Osama bin Laden. Here are some thoughts on September 11th, 2001, the war on terror, terrorism in general and the stars and stripes.



-I will never forget where I was when 9/11 happened. I was getting my tires rotated and the guy was trying to cheat me out of money.

-Everybody was really scared of being terrorized, but nobody was, except for all that anthrax, if that even counts.

-President Bush was a bad president, if you ask me. Sorry if that is a bit controversial or overly political for you.

-They said the war was over oil, but the World Trade Center wasn't made out of oil, was it?

-If oil is so crude, why do we even want it in the first place?

-They say that you are rewarded with virgins when you go to heaven in the muslim faith. Who would ever want that?

-The American flag is the only piece of cloth I look at reverently.

-Osama bin Laden killed a lot of people. More than even Godzilla did, but I was still way more afraid of a Godzilla attack than a terrorist attack.

-You still hear a lot about terrorism, but you almost never hear about kids jumpin' rope. Seems like our priorities might be a little out of whack.

-Airline security has gotten pretty bad since September 11th, 2001, but it's still not as bad as the food they serve on flights, or so I have heard.

-I do not regret buying all of this Osama bin Laden toilet paper. It's going to skyrocket in price now!

-What do you think bin Laden's favorite food was? I think it was Spaghetti-o's, but I might just be projecting.

-I will never forget where I was when I heard that Osama bin Laden was dead. I was watching clips of Mama's Family on YouTube.