Hot Rod's Guide To Primaries

By Hot Rod

It is the most exciting time of the year again for the farmers that drink coffee all morning at the donut shop – presidential election season! Since they are so old, their years are longer than ours, and equal approximately 4 human years. Primary season is the most fun part of the election season, because everyone gets to argue with everyone else, and at the end each party still has a winner. Whenever I sneak out early in the morning with my mom’s purse to buy a dozen bear claws (which I eat for medicinal purposes) I usually catch the old guys talking about the weather and how they wished divorce was still illegal, but when a presidential election is around the bend their conversations become more interesting, I assume. All I actually know about politics has to do with lizard people.

Since I live in Iowa, sometimes all the candidates come down to the donut shop to visit, but they never let me in on those days, just because my pockets are full of bottle rockets and nails. But those old guys get to meet them all and tell them they’re great candidates, and talk about how rotten things are in this horrible country that they love so much, where everyone who isn’t like them should leave because they couldn’t possibly love it they way they do, just like that rotten handsome hippie bartender that took off with their wife. The candidates make a face and shake their heads until the old men are done complaining after they trail off while staring at floor in mournful reflection. Then the next day they all congratulate each other on telling the candidates off, and console each other about their wives and the weather. Since there is a primary tonight, (in a place that was either named after a pet, or where pets are allowed to vote, I forget...) I want to share the wisdom about each of the candidates I’ve gotten from the old guys at the donut shop so that you future voters can help keep America great, or white, or however that saying goes…

The Candidates

  • One thing they all agree on is that they hate the one Muslim-socialist candidate - Mitt Romney. Romney was born in a place called Kenya which is somewhere in communist Russia. He wears magic clothes that turn people’s minds off when he gives a speech. It makes his speeches seem like boring catchphrases and stilted, awkward attempts at seeming capable of empathy, so that no one will remember all the stuff he said about how great Hitler was and how people should have access to medical care.

  • Next there is Ron Paul. He’s the one that talks like Don Knotts and says we should bury all of our money underground. While they love his ideas about burying valuables and assassinating everyone in congress, the old guys don’t care for the way he says we shouldn’t blow up every other country. If the president doesn’t keep America safe, personally – possibly with a type of magic pants - then the next thing we know we’ll all be dead, or worse, Iranian.

  • Then there is the one that looks and smells like cabbage. He says everything like he thinks you, specifically, are an asshole. He’s got beady eyes that pierce his enemies (presumably everyone) like black marbles wearing Mitt Romney’s magic clothes would pierce your mind if they, the marbles, were giving a speech. He is Newt Gingrich, and as you can tell, he’s very compelling. The old guys especially support his policy of wife hating. And they think he’s got the kind of face you could see on Mt. Rushmore, or, at least, on a patriotic scarecrow.

  • There is also Rick Santorum, the homosexual candidate. He actually won here in Iowa, which is surprising because the lonely old men that seek companionship with each other every day are very much against homosexuality. From what the internet says Santorum is covered in a gross goo that makes him look like Slimer from Ghost Busters, but brown. Despite all that the old guys liked him a lot because of how ‘clean cut’ he looked and because he promised to resegregate The South.

  • There’s another Rick. Rick something. He used to be president before Obama became president and ruined our country by doing mostly the same things that he did while president, like declaring victory in Iraq. The old guys used to like other Rick, but he reminds them too much of themselves. And they’re very self-loathing.

  • Then there’s another guy from Utah, I forget his name, but no one liked him because he was sent from China to run for president here since the Supreme Court decided to let other countries have candidates in our elections. The old guys worried that he would let China steal all the jobs we send there.

So there you have it – vote or die, dudes! Or just wait to vote in the real election. Or don’t vote at all, those are really your four options. No matter which one you choose, you should still write in a vote for “Mickey Mouse” because while it is really funny to do that, he would also make a great president.


  1. This was fucking fantastic. Now I'm going to vote for the Chinese guy!

  2. This really was brilliant. I hope it goes "viral" before Obama cancels the rest of our elections and dismantles our democracy forever.