Showing posts with label lana del rey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lana del rey. Show all posts

Facebook Fun Volume 2

By Staff

This week Facebook bought Instagram, the popular photo sharing social network filled with teens desperately begging other people to follow them and "heart" their pictures.  In response, all of us closed our Instagram accounts but got VERY serious about our Facebook activity.  This week, we travel to some familiar haunts featuring Lana Del Ray and Congressman Billy Long (R-MO) in addition to some new territory: corporate Facebook pages.

Enjoy and remember clicking on one picture will bring up a slideshow of all this week's screenshots.  If you have a specific corporation or FB page you want targeted, violently or otherwise, please let us know in the comments.

This is what happens when you post too much spam.











Offensive to think I don't know Vietnamese.


Lana finally curses at us!

LOL - the game will NEVER be over?





Owl City Vietnam finally gets into the mix.





Video Games




By Jake & Bub & Sarah

Video games: they are what modern children play with instead of toys or developing social skills. Yet, video games are not just for children and cats, adults like you and me play them for hours every day just to escape the harsh realities of life. Even when we cannot afford food, we can still feed Mario mushrooms and watch him grow, even as our own children lay on their mattress emaciated, with barely the memory of food in their minds. Video games are truly a revolutionary form of entertainment and their popularity is ever-growing. Here at One Year in Texas we have ideas for video games, yet we have no way to develop these ideas into the smash hits of time burglary they are destined for. If you develop video games, please pay us money for these ideas.

Suicide is Painless - In this game you are sent into every day situations. You are confronted with conflict. Much like real life, the only solution to any of these problems is suicide. You win when you lose a life. Run the Wii remote along the length of your lower arm to slit your wrists, use button combinations to end your life in various ways. Play as the special pre-order only character Romeo.

Mario Counting - Count numbers as your favorite character from the Mario Brothers universe! “4,5,6” says Princess Peach. “7,8,9” growls King Koopa. Stop Koopa from raping the princess by counting!

Pizza Face - Smear pizza on the faces of your favorite Hollywood stars and historical figures! As each new face appears on the screen of your television, smear a piece of pizza on their face. Comes with a coupon for one free large pizza from Domino’s!

Baby And The Bathwater - Comes with a small washbasin, a baby, and bathwater. The objective of the game is to throw the bathwater out of the washbasin without losing the submerged baby. While the game does come with actual bathwater, the baby is not real - though it has been ritualistically mummified. The winner gets to bathe in the washbasin while the other players simultaneously try to toss out the water and ritualistically mummify her/him. The losers get waterboarded!

Hello Kitty Water Boil - Help Kitty boil water so that it is safe to drink. Then delight as she tries to drink boiling water. Careful, kitties don’t have thumbs! Comes with a free electric kettle, a Hello Kitty kitten starter pack, and a coupon for a large bucket of water from Domino’s.

Lana Del Rey - “Lana Del Rey: The Video Game” delivers on the promise of her hit single “Video Game.” Perform on SNL as Lana Del Rey! Transform from Lizzy Grant to Lana Del Rey by using a special button combination. Win NME awards! Open a portal to a different dimension and defeat the evil Yer Led Anal. The fun never stops with Lana Del Rey and life never gets too serious when you’re playing a video game.

False Hopes Barbie - Help the beautiful, busty, smart, and talented Barbie work her way through seventeen years of schooling and earn her degrees in firefighting, teaching, astronaut-ing, modeling, and singing - just to name a few! Complete fashion design challenges to make Barbie popular, all while wearing pink high heels! The winner is rewarded with a minimum wage desk job that requires an 8th grade education.

The World Post - Illinois Primary Edition

By Bub 



Mitt Romney tried to relate to voters in Chicago yesterday by relaying the anecdote about the time he ate a hot dog.




Taking a cue from the success of the Kony 2012 viral internet video, Lana Del Rey has changed her name to Lana Del Genocide.




Rick Santorum doubled down on his controversial stance on women's reproductive rights by unveiling his plan to require women to care for their aborted fetuses until the time when they would have reached the age of eighteen.




Newt Gingrich appealed to Peoria voters ahead of today's Republican primary in Illinois, promising manufacturing companies a tax credit for every Palestinian home their equipment is used to destroy.




British Parliament held a special election this week voting Meryl Streep the U.K.'s first foreign national Prime Minister.




Gen. James Mattis, commander of American forces in the Middle East, lost in thought about the one honor that has escaped him - the love of his father.




Tim Geitner stunned journalists at a press conference Monday by detailing how the U.S. Treasury Department orchestrated the September 11th attacks.




Mike Daisey admitted to lying in his exposé on working conditions in computer manufacturer Apple's factories in China. The Chinese government set the record straight explaining that there were no underage workers in Chinese factories, no workers were poisoned by manufacturing chemicals, and that technically China didn't even exist.




James Brown was arrested in Mauritania over the weekend on a warrant issued from the International Criminal Court for war crimes committed in Libya.




Finally, murder was legalized last week in the State of Florida.

Debate: Lana Del Rey

By Glenn and Jake

The new singer Lana Del Rey is the most controversial person in indie music since Jim Morrison.  She blasted onto the Internet in 2011 with a song and video entitled “Video Games.”  Then she started playing small shows in Europe.  Then she released another music video.  Then someone on the Internet insulted her.  Then she played Saturday Night Live and the music blogosphere exploded with a fury not seen since either the Challenger or the “Leave Britney Alone” video.  Should everyone leave Lana Del Ray alone or instead go to her concerts and download her hits from iTunes?  Glenn, who both dated LDR in the mid 00’s, and Jake, who has a controlling interest in her on the “Hollywood Stock Exchange,” debate the future of music’s “next big thing.”

Glenn: Simply stated: leave LDR alone.  Since the beginning of the year when I discovered Lana Del Rey I have watched “Video Games” at least 300 times.  It confused me, aroused me, frustrated me, haunted me, and ultimately satisfied me.  And that was just the first time I watched it!  All the subsequent times I felt numb, but in a good way - like leaving your genitals on a block of ice for 10 hours.  She also has a song about Blue Jeans with lyrics like “I will love you until the end of time” and “Check out these new blue jeans, from Levi, on sale at Urban Outfitters this month.”  Young female vocalists stuck in the ether and forced to make YouTube cover videos had no one to look up to until LDR showed up.  Now we all have a role model. 

Jake:  Lana Del Rey is a major label artist with a carefully cultivated image and plastic surgery lips.  Her music is hipster-baiting pap.  Glenn is the exact market for this type of extra vanilla music.  There is nothing daring, exciting or interesting about the song “Video Games.”  She is a modern day female Chris Isaak and she is singing adult contemporary music to hipsters too stupid to realize it.  In a way, Lizzie Grant is the Papa Shango of music.  She did some voodoo and all of a sudden the public is throwing up and bleeding green ink from their scalp in acclamation.  Now she is Lana Del Rey, after going through a careful image change, much like Papa Shango transforming into the popular Godfather character.  Lana Del Rey is your pimp and she is turning you all out and making you ride on a ho train, whatever that is.

Glenn:  Chris Isaak’s video for “Wicked Games” was voted one of the sexiest music videos of all time by a television channel recently.  Presumably the voters in that poll had never watched the film Salò/120 Days of Sodom and thus have very traditional, healthy views of human sexuality.  Is it a coincidence that “Wicked Games” and “Video Games” share the word “games,” like the games you are playing with our readers right now?  Trying to compare Lana Del Rey to Papa Shango is like comparing Chris Isaak to Chris Kattan or comparing OYIT’s Bub to Marshall Applewhite.  Of course she’s carefully cultivating her image - we all do!  Why do you think I updated my Facebook profile picture to a prisoner in Guantanamo Bay?  I wanted people to know that I am a Muslim, and that I oppose indefinite, trial-less detention of human beings.  Why did you recently change your Facebook profile picture to you wearing heavy eyeliner?  You love Bauhus.  That’s your image.  You can have it, but let LDR have hers too.

Jake:  Lana Del Rey can have her image!  I am not trying to image block her.  If you want to listen to the type of music that is about image first and the actual music second, then go ahead.  If you want to listen to the shit that a major label record company shovels into our ears instead of a group or artist that makes music because it is a creative outlet, great.  You can catalog Lana Del Rey’s MP3s in the same folder as Lady Gaga’s.  Papa Shango is a pretty apt comparison.  Like Charles Wright (the actor portraying the wrestler Papa Shango, Kama Mustafa and The Godfather) did to Undertaker’s urn, Lana Del Rey will probably melt down her gold records and remold them into a golden necklace to taunt her fans for supporting her.  She has about as much respect for her fan base as Kama did for the ashes in that urn.  And maybe, much like Undertaker did with the urn, we can regain control of the necklace and reform it into its original form, but the power is never the same.  Lana Del Rey can have her image, her pseudonym, her gold record necklace and the tears of her disappointed fans after a flop performance on “Saturday Night Live.”

Glenn:  A flop performance?  Hardly.  I can name three SNL musical performances in recent memory that were all more offensive: Sinead O’Connor ripping up the picture of the Pope in our dimension and in two others.  Yes, this counts as three separate performances because in one of the dimensions she rips up a picture of Mark McGwire too.  The only thing Lana Del Rey shredded were her own vocal chords after a passionate rendition of Blue Jeans.  Maybe my opponent cannot relate to songs about video games or blue jeans, two loves of the proletariat.  No matter how much you want to tar her and feather her like the Gobbledy Gooker, the point remains that she is trying her best to create art based on her failed relationships - the musical equivalent of what I do on this blog every month.  As Mark Ruffalo’s character says in The Kids Are Alright: “It's hard enough to open your heart in this world. Don't make it harder. “  Let’s celebrate her beautiful voice instead of trying to crucify her, like I think Undertaker once tried to do Stephanie McMahon.

Jake:  Lana Del Rey is no Stephanie McMahon!  The one thing they do have in common is plastic surgery.  Lana Del Rey, to put it as simply and crudely as I can, has dick sucking lips and she does suck indeed.  Maybe it is not dicks that she sucks, but it is the figurative dick of Interscope records.  They ask her to jump and she says “how high?” and they ask her to sing about video games and blue jeans and she says “how sexy?”  Then she coos these stupid songs like a phone sex operator and the Glenn’s of the world go out and purchase the video games that Lana sings about and the jeans that are featured in the liner notes of her albums.  If that does not make your want to uproariously vomit, then you have the stomach of an Olympian.  If you enjoy listening to Lana Del Rey, then turn your satellite radio to an adult contemporary station, put on your blue jeans and boot up your copy of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare III.  It is what Lana would want you to do.