Our Take with Sarah and Jake (Gay Marriage and Orange Juice)

By Sarah and Jake

In Our Take with Sarah and Jake, we will be giving our professional opinions on the most pressing, hot button issues of the day, from politics to religion to the untimely death of Chris Benoit (RIP). We're just like the ladies of "The Talk," but with less sex appeal.

Gay Marriage

 Jake:  There is an amendment in North Carolina right now that makes it so that the only legal union recognized by the state would be between a man and a woman, it is called Amendment 1.  WWE wrestler CM Punk got into a little trouble last week for telling a fan to kill himself because they said that homosexual make them sick.  This is a controversial topic.

The only true reasons you would oppose gay marriage is because 1) you are religious 2) it makes you “sick” to think about yourself or others performing gay acts on each other 3) you are a biggot.  The last one applies to the first two, of course.  Living in a “free” country where homosexuals are not allowed to marry is sort of like attending a Judy Tenuta concert where she refuses to play her accordion--it is unjustifiable.

Homosexuals pay taxes, so why do they not have the same rights as heterosexuals?  Because it is “gross?”  I think praying to a God is gross, but I hardly think religious nuts should not have the same rights as sane people.  Right wing people are stupid and the gay marriage issue is further proof.  Everybody should be equally free in this dumb country, or we should at least stop saying “it’s a free country” every time we ask somebody to quit singing on a crowded train.

Gay marriage is beautiful and awesome! Why? Because it’s another celebration of people in love who want to be bound together by law and recognized as such. Isn’t it nice when two people fall in love and want to spend their lives together?! Isn’t that a nice break from all the terrible other things going on in the world! Weddings are seriously the best parties because everyone looks fantastic and there’s booze and food and love and everyone is high on life because there’s this electric aura of possibility in the air. Maybe that’s a romanticized version of weddings, but I don’t care! It’s just the dumbest when people are against gay marriage. It literally makes no sense. LIGHTEN UP.

If the argument against gay marriage is that it destroys the sanctity of marriage, I got news for ya: marriage isn’t that sacred unless you make it sacred. By that I mean, it’s up to the two married people to make the marriage sacred. There can be 1 zillion laws decreeing marriage as a sacred union and forbidding deviation from its rigid rules, but humans are not perfect. We cheat and steal and lie about it and fall out of love for no real reason. Marriage is no picnic, but if it was, everyone should be able to bring a dish and sit on the blanket.

Orange Juice

I love orange juice! I’m really into it right now. For a long time, I didn’t care about it. But presently I can’t get enough! It’s refreshing and the best drink in the morning - especially orange juice with pulp. I know pulp is a very polarizing thing for humanity, like cilantro and abortion. But I find it delicious and makes good orange juice great because then I feel like I’m getting a most natural version of it. 

Also, let’s take a moment to appreciate the mimosa. Without orange juice, this incredibly refreshing and deliciously intoxicating brunch bev could not exist. It’s served in a fancy glass (aren’t all beverages better served in a fancy glass?) and makes any ordinary breakfast into an extraordinary event. Thank you ORANGE JUICE FOR MAKING THIS POSSIBLE! 

I will drink orange juice for the rest of my life, and hopefully one day be rich enough to buy the fresh squeezed stuff or have the luxury of time in the morning to squeeze it fresh myself.

Jake:  I know people often see me as an anti-orange juice propagandist, and with fair reason: I am not a huge fan.  I do not dislike orange juice, but rather am more indifferent toward it.  Orange juice has a high acidity content and can, at times, make my stomach feel like it has gonorrhea.  I’m sorry to paint that word picture, but it was necessary to paint.  I do not want to pigeon-holed as anti-orange juice or in terms of the sexual act.

Orange juice is a very healthy drink.  If you have the stomach to handle it, then why not indulge in the beverage.  You can also use it in cooking some Chinese sauces, which adds a nice citrusy zing to an otherwise boring dish of bok choy, kale and tofu.  I will sometimes purchase a carton of orange juice, but it lasts too long in our fridge (I live with my wife, who I am counting as part of the “our” in that statement).  It seems like a waste of money to me, but for you, loyal reader, I insist that you drink it daily.


  1. Sarah loves marriage more than I love anything, including my wife and children.

  2. Caution re: orange juice

    1. if it's from concentrate it's not as healthy for you as "fresh squeezed"

    2. if you drink screwdrivers very often in the latter half of high school, orange juice will taste like vodka to you for years after

  3. "I know pulp is a very polarizing thing for humanity, like cilantro and abortion." This is a fantastic line. Cilantro really is polarizing, and much like abortion, I love it.

    1. This was great! Jake is my favorite gay rights spokesperson!! I hope Sarah gets married soon - her wedding will be really fun and there will be A TON of orange juice and cilantro!!!

  4. Without gay marriage the world will loose orange juice?


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