Oscars Predictions 2014

By Jake and Glenn 

When one decides to get into the prediction field, a good starting place has always been The Academy Awards.  William Buckley once successfully predicted the Oscars within the 90% range, and he is famous!

For the past five years, Glenn and I have taken it upon ourselves to mirror the celebrity enjoyed by the likes of William Buckley, to very little success.  This year, I have a feeling, we are going to hit it out of the park.  Please enjoy the longest running feature in OYIT history.

Best Picture Nominees

12 Years A Slave
Jake says...Slavery is here to stay after this movie’s surprise success.  Expect to see tweens having slave parties and dressing up as slaves for Halloween.  “Hollywood, you have done it again!” is what I repeatedly shouted while the credits rolled on this film epic, much to the chagrin of the elderly couple sitting two rows in front of me.  Although the volume of my yelling startled them and hurt their ears, they could not help but agree with me.  They even joined in briefly before exiting the theater.  This is what I would call a movie, folks.

Glenn says…More liberal anti-slavery propaganda from Hollywood. It isn’t enough that 2011’s the Help taught us the “immorality” of the Jim Crow South or 1997’s Life is Beautiful warned us to the danger of allowing mugging Italian actors into our lives.  Now we need another movie to mock Southerners?  No thank you.  If the Academy tries to award this picture they are surely just going to create another Fort Sumter, just like Lincoln did in 1860.  

The Wolf of Wall Street
Jake says...This modern telling of the fairytale “Little Red Riding Hood” is set on Wall Street, which is a street in New York City.  Have you heard about it?  It’s really famous.  This movie was well-received by many critics, especially those in the pocket of Disney like Gene Shalit.

Glenn says… Young people all over the country were horrified to bring their parents to see this movie on Christmas Day, not realizing that it contained both graphic depictions of human sexuality and capitalistic excess.  If this movie wins Best Picture it will be sending absolutely the wrong message to young people and for that reason I think it will be another loss for Martin Scorsese, the biggest loser since the winner of last year’s Biggest Loser.

Movie 43

Jake says…”Movie 43” is movie number 1, in my opinion.  This hilarious collection of comedy vignettes is just what the doctor ordered when I came down with a serious case of the blues.  I contracted the blues after listening to too many Lightnin’ Hopkins records.  Thank Jesus Christ, our lord and savior who died on the cross for our sins, that this movie was made to ease my suffering.

Glenn says… This movie is being hailed as the greatest comedy all time even though nothing in it is funny and no one laughed at a single joke.  If you can explain that, you should sign onto the development team for Movie 44, due in theatres this Friday.

Jake says...The controversy surrounding Spike Jonze’s latest film, “Her,” overshadows the content itself.  Fucking a computer is a dream all of us have had, and some of us have actually tried.  Did you know that the DVD drive is a computer’s simulated fuck orifice?  This movie is anti-woman, and the feminists are outraged.  I always agree with big tittied feminists.

Glenn says… I hated this one.  This movie did not speak to our growing alienation at the hands of technology and also did not fill us with a terrible mixture of sadness and optimism in our never-ending search for intimacy and real human connections.  Finally, I did not openly weep in the movie theatre after watching this film.  Go to hell, Her!

Saving Mr Banks
Jake says…Mary Poppins is a beloved classic by many of our generation’s marks and jabronis.  This movie is a dramatized version of the writing of the screenplay of Mary Poppins.  Plus, there’s a lot of fun liquor drinking in this film, which I feel is just fan service for alcoholics.  If this film wins best picture, then I will throw away my Academy Award.

Glenn says… I agree with Jake that this film is about the writing of Mary Poppins.  I watched Mary Poppins for the first time when I was a child and then never watched it or thought about it ever again.  Ergo, I am not in the target demographic for this movie so I have no right to say whether it should win Best Picture.  But I will say this: if you like Tom Hanks, you will love this riveting story of Somali pirates taking Walt Disney hostage and forcing him into a cryogenic chamber.

Jake says…This movie should be called “Gravitas” instead of whatever those nerds in Hollywood titled it.  I mean, give it up big wigs, we’re not going to see your horseshit movies!

Glenn says… This was by far the best movie about space to come out last year and probably the most visually impressive movie of the Best Picture nominees.  Kudos to Alfonso CuarĂ³n for casting George Clooney and Sandra Bullock in the leading roles and a double kudos to Clooney for adapting his “Booker” character from Roseanne as a former factory foreman turned astronaut.  Negative kudos to Sandra Bullock for chasing him into space in a reprise of her “All About Steve” character.

Jake says...They should have titled this movie Nerdbraska, because you have to be a fucking poindexter to enjoy this Dungeons and Dragons bullshit.  Hey, at least geeks will have something to quote until the next Star War happens.

Glenn says… This is the kind of movie you CAN bring your parents too because there’s no sex or violence in it, every character is ugly and it’s fundamentally about old people and regret.  It’s black and white and people talk about driving time.  For those of you who grew up in the Midwest, this will remind you of home and for those of you who didn’t, you’ll wonder if the Midwest is really black and white or if this was another Hollywood special effect.

Grown-Ups 2
Jake says...I, of course, loved the original Grown Ups, and I was shocked that I loved the sequel even more.  Adam Sandler has once again hit it right out of the fucking park--a baseball park!  Kevin James is a shoe-in for Best Actor.  Chris Rock and David Spade courageously reprised their role as homosexual high school sweethearts, which as much tenderness as hilarity.  I am man enough to admit that I cried during this movie three times.  Just a brilliant fucking movie from our greatest filmmaker.

Glenn says… This movie is why I killed my entire family and left copies of Grown Ups on DVD by their bodies.  

American Hustle
Jake says...When David O’Russell is not molesting his transexual family members, he makes films.  This is one of them.  Jennifer Lawrence, America’s greatest living actress, teams with Bradley Cooper, America’s handsomest corpse, to tell a tale of the greatest country on Earth--America!  You better hustle to see this film before it leaves theaters.

Glenn says… When David O’Russell is not yelling at Lily Tomlin, he makes audience pleasing films.  Including “America’s Sweetheart” Jennifer Lawrence in the casting for the film was the way to ensure it was nominated and it worked.  But will it be enough to win Best Picture? No.


Jake says...I know that this wasn’t officially nominated, but I have a good feeling that the phrase, “...And the Oscar for Best Picture goes to…” will be followed by “Planes.”  “Planes” was undoubtedly the best film of the year, and the only movie to feature anthropomorphic airplanes.  It was hilarious and Dane Cook starred.  Just great.  See it, people.

Glenn says... Last year I called for Silver Linings Playbook to win it and and I was right.  This year I will call for American Hustle to win and be wrong.  Instead the actual winner will be Her.  After the announcement is made and zionist Pig Scarlett Johansson leaves the stage in her new virtual body, the audience will sit in stunned silence at the awards ceremony they’ve just seen, before beginning to weep at the sheer beauty and sadness of being alive in these slightly post-modern times.  See you Sunday.


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