Bobby Langston Blasts...Anti-Pluto Activists

By Bobby Langston

The liberal/scientist set has locked its sights on interplanetary matters once again.  The United States has been embroiled in a debate about whether Pluto is actually a planet or merely a dwarf planet.  Are we going to sit idly by while these anti-Pluto activists thumb their nose at the vast beyond which we call space?  No, we are going to rally behind this great planet in solidarity and show these leftist rats that you cannot mess with our universe.

Let me tell you right here, once a planet always a planet.  You do not walk into a Planet Hollywood and tell Jackie Chan that the restaurant is being reclassified as Dwarf Planet Hollywood.  Mr. Chan would kick a bar stool at you, and he would be right in doing so.  Planet Hollywood is a fine restaurant with fine owners.  None of which would disagree with Pluto being a planet.

These planet liberals are always trying to mix up outer space for the regular folks like you and me.  They want us to keep our laws off of their bodies, well I want them to keep their hands off of my planets.  Pluto is my favorite interstellar body, and whether you downgrade its classification or not will not change my mind.

Little has brought me joy like knowing that the planet Pluto is up in the sky.  I know that it’s not necessarily part of Christian dogma, but I believe that Jesus Christ lives there in a mansion.  And why would he not?  Do you think that Jesus is not able to afford a Plutonian mansion?  Your liberal ignorance has me laughing like you laugh at a Michael Moore movie or Margaret Cho’s brand of socialist propaganda.

Pluto is not only the little planet that could, it is also the namesake of a very famous cartoon dog.  When a child watches a Disney cartoon, are we to tell them that the dog “Pluto” is named after a dwarf planet?  That is laughable.  If Walt Disney named one of his characters after a planet, then a planet it shall remain.

These liberals have sent their foot soldiers to Washington, D.C., in order to make sure that Pluto is never considered a planet.  What gets me about these left-wing nutjobs is how they want change, no matter what the subject of the change happens to be.  What is the point?  How is everything not already as great as it is going to get?  It seems downright un-American.  These leftist anti-Pluto socialist un-patriots have me at my boiling point--and I’m steaming, Jack.

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Crazy Morning Heart-On

By Nate

The Dude Abides:



All that hype from Maddie and me a few weeks ago has been justified by the Academy.

HUMP DAY REVIEW:

The Smithsonian has inducted the most important and symbolic symbol from Inauguration Day 2009 into its museum: Michelle Obama's ball gown.

Upon the passage of health care reform, Rush Limbaugh has pledged he will to move to Costa Rica - a state that abolished its army in 1949 to provide universal health care to its people.

In another ironic statement, Sarah Palin said she went to Canada to receive health care as a child. I'm frankly surprised she survived to tell about it.

Karl Rove wrote a book. No CIA agents were outed with its publication.

If you are one of the 40% of people who believe the Earth was formed through Creationsim, then please, by all means, go to Liberty University and reaffirm your belief by taking the class and receiving a fake college degree.

And to wrap this up, Congressman Eric Massa, D-NY, groped some staffers and resigned Tuesday. Glenn Beck, who used to refer to Massa as a terrorist, welcomed him to his show as a hero.

THIS WEEK IN THE FUTURE:

Saturday, the state of New Mexico will recognize Pluto as a planet mainly because that's what it was known as for almost a century. New Mexico is in the "Sun Belt." Old people retire there. Those old troglodytes hate change.

Pi Day is Sunday. How many decimal places of pi can you recite from memory?

DICK OF THE WEEK:



Dennis Kucinich won't vote for health care reform because it isn't liberal enough even though he might be the deciding vote against the bill.

What a dick.

NEXT WEEK:

The Ides of March! Poll: which OYIT writer would you most like to see betrayed and stabbed? Answer in the comments.

PREDICTIONS:

Mikey will win the poll, and Bub, Glenn, and Jake will conspire in the stabbing.

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