Showing posts with label Bobby Langston. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bobby Langston. Show all posts

Let the Scapegoating Begin!

By Bobby Langston

Yesterday, while checking news about the Boston Marathon, I was shocked to read that two bombs exploded at the finish line.  Not since September 11th, 2001, have I been so shocked reading news on the internet.  The only thing that comes even remotely close is when I found out that Sarah Palin’s daughter was an unwed mother.  



As of this writing, there has been no news about who did the bombing.  If I had any money to bet, I would put it all on an Arab.  These are the same people who cowardly--unless you ask Bill Maher--perpetrated the World Trade Center airplane attacks.  These are the same people who made Psy an internet phenomenon.  These are the same people who worship some dude name Mohammed.

Let me briefly take you back to a simpler time:

July 27, 1996 (Pre-9/11)

A bomb exploded in Centennial Olympic Park in Atlanta, Georgia.  The heroic Richard Jewell had found the bomb and alerted authorities.  Instead of a celebrating him, we turned him into a scapegoat, not through wizardry, but through public opinion.

Pre-9/11: our scapegoats were good, hard-working white men.  Shockingly, the perpetrators of these bombings (Eric Robert Rudolph in this case) were also white men.  

Post-9/11: our scapegoats are brown-skinned foreigners, just like the should be.

If you ask me, we are living in simpler times.  Gone are the days where we have to point the fingers at one of our own.  We can immediately yell racial slurs (like towelhead or raghead) whenever we hear a news story about mass violence.  Every school shooting, every bombing, you can hear me scream about these Arabs from two blocks over.

I hope we catch this Arab.  I hope we attack the nation he is from.  I hope North Korea doesn’t drop a nuclear bomb on us before we can finish this.

Bobby Langston Blasts...Anti-Pluto Activists

By Bobby Langston

The liberal/scientist set has locked its sights on interplanetary matters once again.  The United States has been embroiled in a debate about whether Pluto is actually a planet or merely a dwarf planet.  Are we going to sit idly by while these anti-Pluto activists thumb their nose at the vast beyond which we call space?  No, we are going to rally behind this great planet in solidarity and show these leftist rats that you cannot mess with our universe.

Let me tell you right here, once a planet always a planet.  You do not walk into a Planet Hollywood and tell Jackie Chan that the restaurant is being reclassified as Dwarf Planet Hollywood.  Mr. Chan would kick a bar stool at you, and he would be right in doing so.  Planet Hollywood is a fine restaurant with fine owners.  None of which would disagree with Pluto being a planet.

These planet liberals are always trying to mix up outer space for the regular folks like you and me.  They want us to keep our laws off of their bodies, well I want them to keep their hands off of my planets.  Pluto is my favorite interstellar body, and whether you downgrade its classification or not will not change my mind.

Little has brought me joy like knowing that the planet Pluto is up in the sky.  I know that it’s not necessarily part of Christian dogma, but I believe that Jesus Christ lives there in a mansion.  And why would he not?  Do you think that Jesus is not able to afford a Plutonian mansion?  Your liberal ignorance has me laughing like you laugh at a Michael Moore movie or Margaret Cho’s brand of socialist propaganda.

Pluto is not only the little planet that could, it is also the namesake of a very famous cartoon dog.  When a child watches a Disney cartoon, are we to tell them that the dog “Pluto” is named after a dwarf planet?  That is laughable.  If Walt Disney named one of his characters after a planet, then a planet it shall remain.

These liberals have sent their foot soldiers to Washington, D.C., in order to make sure that Pluto is never considered a planet.  What gets me about these left-wing nutjobs is how they want change, no matter what the subject of the change happens to be.  What is the point?  How is everything not already as great as it is going to get?  It seems downright un-American.  These leftist anti-Pluto socialist un-patriots have me at my boiling point--and I’m steaming, Jack.

Bobby Langston Blasts...The Economy

By Bobby Langston 



Much ballyhoo has been made recently over our economic situation. The spendocrats would love for the conservatives to allow them to have more money so they can do what they do best: spend, spend, spend. The conservatives would love for the democrats to do the other thing they do best: bend over backwards to make a deal, even if it alienates their supporters.

Ever since my much discussed trip to Pizza Hut, I have been very thrifty when it comes to doling out the dollars. This is what the dems should be doing. Instead, they want to pay the lazy to stay at home! I hope you will pardon my French, but: zut allors! You are supposed to get paid when you do an honest day’s worth of work, such as being a CEO of an oil company or writing a conservative think piece on a website.

So, the real question, for which there is no true answer, is how can we fix this fine mess in which we find ourselves? Some of the other writers on this site bow down to the red Chinese, but I do not and I am not looking forward to where we are headed. My hope is that a true conservative finds his way into the White House and can rectify this situation. People, my fingers are crossed, and for once, I do not mean to invoke any religious imagery.

Our economy is more goofed up than a glue huffing dimwit at a back to school sale. America’s credit rating has gone from AAA to AA, which, is bad. Anytime you lose an “A” you know you are in trouble. I’m no warmonger, but what we need is another war. War always turns the economy around.

Until our economy turns, I am going to sleep with a gun under my pillow. Yes, this is extremely uncomfortable and barely effective as a form of protest, but if the Chinese come here trying to collect their debt and take over this country, I want easy access to a firearm. I will never shoot a Chinese person, but I will commit suicide before bowing down the the emperor of China.

Bobby Langston Blasts...Taxes

By Bobby Langston 

There are only two things that a guaranteed in life: death and taxes. If I had to choose between the two, I would take death in a heartbeat. Taxes are an abomination to a hard-working man, such as myself. Our forefathers cried “No taxation without representation,” and as a white male, I feel like I am not adequately represented, so why should I pay taxes?

Taxes are mostly spent on helping the poor and elderly. I would rather watch my money burn than help these buffoons looking for a government hand-out. If you can’t help yourself then to heck with you! If my taxes went to soldiers that are killing terrorists in the Middle East or to fix these god damned pot holes in the streets around town, then fine, I’d be happy to pay them. Instead, they’re going to social programs and to fund abortions.

This brings me to my main point: why shouldn’t I be allowed to keep all of the money I make? I work, they pay me and then I pay the government. That seems a bit outlandish, doesn’t it? It is earned wage and I should be allowed to spend it on anything I want to. The idiotic democrats want me to pay for their Obamacare. No thanks, jerks! I’d rather pay for a gay marriage, and there’s no way I would ever pay for a gay marriage!

Now don’t think that sales tax gets off easy, either. I’m taking it to the chopping block. As my faithful readers know, I had an appalling dining experience at the local Pizza Hut. Why should I be forced to pay taxes on what will likely kill me in the long run? You don’t have to be Sarah Palin to see that we should not be forced to do anything, and that includes sex, slavery, paying income tax and paying sales tax. If I buy an ill-fitting suit, why must I pay an extra percent on said suit? It just seems very unfair to me and nobody has ever been able to justify it.

While I may be forced to file taxes, you will see me at one of the many rallies across this great country, donning red, white and blue and a hippie’s sun tea worth of tea bags affixed to my hat. I don’t drink tea, but I will wear it to show my disgust for taxation without representation. Until I am truly represented, I will be screaming and holding up signs that show Obama photoshopped to look like Steve Urkle. That is the American way!

Bobby Langston Blasts...Pizza Hut

By Bobby Langston 



Last Saturday night, after devouring Karl Rove's genius literary accomplishment "Courage and Consequence," I headed to the local Pizza Hut to devour a light dinner of salad, a personal pan cheese and pepperoni pizza and bread sticks. I have been to nearly all of the eateries in Hialeah and I have never had food this repulsive. I have a good mind to write Mr. Rove himself about this questionable establishment.

First of all, the bread sticks were sub par. When I eat a bread stick, I do not expect them to be covered in a substance resembling saw dust. Why do they need to cut wood around the food in the kitchen? Maybe they were remodeling, but you would really think they would do that on off hours, and not while they are serving paying customers. I do not go to a restaurant to spend my hard-earned money plus the outrageous and unjust tax on food covered in debris. If I wanted my food covered in sawdust, I would go have lunch during a high school shop class. That might sound ludicrous to you, but I sometimes enjoy the testosterone rush I get from that dining experience.

I felt like I needed some vegetables after eating the crummy bread sticks (did I mention how awful the marinara sauce was? It was like eating a toxic shock syndrome menses), so I headed to the salad bar. There I was, gazing down at the lettuce and toppings through the sneeze guard which is meant to illicit a feeling of security--the security that nobody has sneezed upon your food. I find that sense of security to be nothing but false. I spent the better part of three minutes making myself a truly monstrous salad, only to sit down at my booth and, wouldn't you know it, there was a dead fly laying upon a leaf of lettuce. Now, I would not mind if I had put the fly there myself, to which. I simply +do not want stray flies lying upon my leafy greens. I was nearly at the point of bellowing, "Check please!" when my pizza came.

The pizza was a glorious achievement in culinary blunder. The pepperoni were like something extraterrestrial, burnt up upon atmospheric entry. Now, I do not believe in aliens--especially illegal ones--but I do believe in terrible food. Pizza Hut gave me faith and is the temple of atrocious dietary offerings. The grease on the pizza is ample and could probably be sopped off and used to fry a dozen eggs, though I am not willing to test that theory. That is not my ideal breakfast. I would much rather indulge in eggs Benedict like a normal person, though I do not appreciate the traitorous implications of the meal.

The crust was deplorable. I would rather eat cheese and tomato sauce off of the Earth's crust. I am not sure if they make it fresh in the kitchen or get it shipped there on the back of a semi truck. I would lean toward the latter, since very little debris covered it (unless you count the flecks of burnt matter). I am not sure, but I think I bit into a pebble. It is hard to tell, because very little of the material seemed edible in the first place. I cannot tell if it was specifically found in the crust, regardless, I will lump it in this category.

Pizza Hut is the Health Care Reform bill of restaurants. They make promises that they cannot feasibly keep, we are all worse off for having it around and we end up paying dearly. I nearly lost a tooth! Thankfully, I headed home for a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon and cracked open the hilarious Laura Ingram book, "The Obama Diaries." After that torturous meal, I sincerely needed some levity.

On a scale of Reagan to Obama, I give Pizza Hut a "Bill Clinton."

Bobby Langston Blasts...Recycling

By Bobby Langston 



I have frequently come under fire for my anti-recycling stance, but I do not care. Recycling is just another one of the liberals ploys to feminize the males of America (the country I love). If we were meant to recycle, God would have made it easier to do. I cannot name one single thing that is more time consuming or disgusting than recycling. If you expect me to sort my garbage you are suffering from insanity. I am not obsessive compulsive or homeless. If the Earth can handle the greatness of America, then it can handle a little bit of trash.

Paper of plastic? That's a question you often hear at the supermarket, right? I always choose plastic--it's just stronger. Strength is a sign of greatness. Plus, it's made from oil, which is the best natural resource on this planet. I wish everything was made from oil, not just the dressing on my taco salad and the butter-like flavoring on movie theater popcorn. It is not as if I never choose paper. I love paper plates because washing dishes is for high school dropouts. I can eat my dinner and then toss out my plate and plastic spork. Simplicity at its finest.

Tap water is one of the most disgusting liquids this side of soy milk. Every morning, I go to the store and pick up a few bottles of delicious filtered water. The bottles give the water an extra zing that you just cannot get from a tap. I do not feel bad for throwing away hundreds of plastic water bottles every day. Who gives a shit? The Earth can take care of itself.

I want to make one thing clear, I am not in support of littering. If you throw a Wendy's wrapper on the ground, you are low-class. Put all your garbage in the proper receptacles. We live in America, not Belarus. Let's keep the streets of this country clean. This is merely an aesthetical stance.

As consumers, our greatest role is never-ending consumption. Let's not let some pushy liberals try to convince us to use reusable sandwich bags or BPA-free this or that. It's all voodoo nonsense, if you ask me (and by reading this article you have contractually made an agreement to ask me such questions, even if you would otherwise not be willing to do so). I believe in God and America, and if you do not, then you can spend all of your time sorting your recycling and trying to poison our easily influenced children with your pro-recycling propaganda. When I am in Heaven and you are burning in the firy pits of hell, we will see who was right about recycling.

Oil, What is it Good For? Absolutely Everything

By Bobby Langston 

BP has recently come under fire for spilling a bit of oil in the Gulf of Mexico. Who hasn't spilled? I know that I have spilled milk while eating at a restaurant. Did I cry over it? Heck no. Why are all these bleeding hearts shedding tears like a dying cat sheds its graying hair? Perhaps they never heard the adage about milk to which I just alluded.

Oil is our economic blood. If we cut off the blood supply we will die. Now, I know that a lot of great men have died, among them George Washington, but I do not think that this is what we want. We need to keep our economy going strong like it was when George W. Bush was the Commander-in-Chief. This Obama screwball has it more mixed up than an epileptic's martini.

The CEO of BP, Tony Hayward, recently came under fire for attending a yacht race. I say, so what! Everybody has to unwind, and this is the way Hayward chose to blow off a little steam. I want this man thinking clearly when he is devising ways to reduce the cost of oil. A relaxed CEO is an effective CEO.

Some of these leftist yahoos want to "reduce our dependency on foreign oil." These liberal buffoons want the air and the sun to power the Earth. Who is going to make money off of that? You cannot own the wind or sun like you can own oil. You have to make oil, you do not make sunshine, God does. What, are we going to pay God? That guy already has tons of money, and of course the bleeding hearts want to take it all from him through taxes and give it to those who are too lazy to get a job. Jobs are everywhere, just go to McDonald's and tell them to give you one!

Now I do not mean to be skirting the issues, skirts are for women and I'm no lady. This oil spill has the tree hugging hippies all up in arms. Look, the ocean is a big place and that Mother Nature lady you folks are always going on and on about is going to take care of this oil. BP does not want their oil in the ocean, they want it in your car after you overpay for it.

BP has done everything they could, and with great haste, to contain this oil spill. If President Obama was not too busy trying to figure out how to raise our taxes until we have no money for our children, maybe this oil spill would have been taken care of before the end of April. I say point the blame where it belongs, not at Tony Hayward but at your President Obama.

Bobby Langston Blasts...Lack of School Prayer

By Bobby Langston 

I attended public school like many of the readers of One Year in Texas. Unlike you bleeding heart leftist charlatans I am not an atheist. I find strength in the teachings of Jesus Christ. If you didn't know, Jesus is the guy who died for our sins. He didn't even know what our sins were, he just died for them because that's what kind of man he was. He saved us. The only thing a liberal has ever saved me from was drowning when I was on a bipartisan cruise and Hilary Clinton threw me an inner tube. I still don't agree with her policies and I would never vote for her, but I am grateful that she saved my life.

One thing about Jesus: when we pray to him it makes him realize that we are thankful for him saving us. You don't want our lord to think we're not appreciative, do you? What happens when he comes back in 2012 and kills all the Christians in order to transport their spirits to heaven and you never took the time to thank him with a gentle prayer? He leaves you behind. Kirk Cameron wrote a book that proves that point vividly and expertly.

The best way to get kids in the habit of worshipping Jesus is to have them pray in school. School prayer is a gray area in politics. On one hand we have freedom of speech, but on the other we have separation of church and state. Those two things kind of go against each other. The principal of a school should have the freedom to lead the school in Christian prayer, but that's not what these snake-in-the-grass liberals would have you believe. They're so worried about Islamic fundamentalists being offended by worshipping Jesus instead of Mohammed. Who cares about Muslims? We're Americans!

If I had some children I would be forced to send them to a private school that does teach prayer. I would rather my kids be home schooled by my wife than to end up at public school not being taught The Bible. How are the works of Gary Paulsen supposed to teach a kid anything useful? His books are works of fiction and The Bible is filled with cold hard facts. His popular book Hatchet doesn't even have Jesus in it! I would punish my children if they ever read a book that doesn't either have Jesus as a character or doesn't feature a plot revolving around prayer. Plus, I'm pretty sure Gary Paulsen is an atheist.

Some of my liberal opponents have theorized that children turn to a life of crime and violence because of the overcrowding in school classrooms. I say hooey. The real reason kids turn to gangs and rap music is because school led prayer is against the law. Christian values are so important to developing children. Taking away the fundamental right to be led in prayer by a Baptist principal is unconstitutional. It should be part of the curriculum, if you ask me.

Bobby Langston Blasts...Baby Killing

By Bobby Langston 

Ever since I went through my conformation ceremony I have been confronted with a certain type of far left wacko-- the pro-choicer. These baby killing miscreants have me at my wit's end. They argue that women have the right to choose. You better ask my wife about that one. The only choice she has is whether to buy Dawn or Palmolive, and that's only because I have no idea which is better.

Democrats think a fetus is nothing more than a lump of cancerous waste that should be evacuated like a submarine that has just been hit with a Cold War torpedo. They are moving us toward a Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome-like dystopia. I don't want to have to fight inside of a cage for my God-given right to fuel my Porsche with high-grade gasoline. I don't want my beautiful wife to have a coat hanger forced inside her, turning our pre-born baby into scrambled eggs. This is not the right path for America, but don't try to tell that to these pro-abortion liberals.

These liberal fruitcakes are the worst. They want our taxes high and our babies dead. They don't stop for one second to think about the how to better the country, they're only looking out for the Democratic party. They think praying in school is worse than murder. Can you believe that-- murder! Maybe these loonies should get on their knees and pray to find the love of Jesus Christ, the lord. Instead they pray to abortion doctors, who are in turn too busy turning babies into smoothies to care about the prayers. My God never ignores my prayers!

My pals the tea baggers know how to get the job done. The only way to beat these baby murderers is to confront them and play their game. If the only way to get the message through an abortionist's head is to write it on a bullet and pull the trigger, then so be it. You can't head over to Uganda and expect them to understand you, you have to speak their language. That's all we're doing. It's like the Bible says, "eye for an eye."


Scott Roeder had a good head on his shoulders, but the democrats wanted to lop it off, but it in a box and send it-- as a gift-- to the king of communist China. These liberals think China is so great. When I see one on the street drinking a Jamba Juice or eating a sno-cone, I always walk up to them and say, "Hey jerk, if you love China so much why don't you go live there?" This usually leaves them speechless, and hopefully considering the big move. If you can't kill your problem or force it to leave the country, then I guess I'm not a problem solver.

Bobby Langston Blasts...Health Care Reform

By Bobby Langston 

I was a member of One Year in Texas way back in 2002, which was right after America's freedom was compromised in the World Trade Center attacks of September 11th, 2001. It was a much angrier, flag waving time in our nation's history. Unfortunately, it seems that patriotism has flown out the window along with my pet canary. Maybe I shouldn't have let my bird out of its cage while the window was open...maybe America shouldn't have either.

With the passing of health care reform on Sunday, March 21st, and Tuesday's signing of the bill by (your) President Obama, I think we can all agree that our freedom is no longer in tact. If I wanted to live in a socialist dystopia, I would move to Nazi Germany and live in a concentration camp. The reason I don't do that is because I simply do not have the cashflow to fund such a trip and because American soldiers - the same ones who will be put to death under this health care bill - liberated all the camps during WWII.

Why do I oppose health care reform? It's simple, I already have health insurance that is paid for by my employer and I don't see why I should have to pay for yours. If you have cancer you should die. God gave you that cancer and didn't give you health insurance because you did something wrong. Maybe you're a homosexual or you vandalized a school with spray paint in the early 1990s-- I really don't know and, honestly, I don't want to know.

I work hard for my family's income and the last thing I want to do with it is pay for your abortion or for some stoner's medical marijuana (both of which are supported in this health care reform bill). If a white woman gets impregnated by a black man, why should I have to pay for the delivery of this mulatto child? If your gay son gets AIDS, why should I have to buy him an AIDS cocktail? The only gay person I will ever buy a cocktail for is my younger brother when he turns 21 years old.

Like many of you, I watched the health care reform debates and the vote on Cold War Veterans Appreciation Day. Also like you, I was completely disgusted by the copious amounts of bullshit the Democrats were spewing into my ears. John Boehner's passionate speech made me weep with joy. Finally, I thought to myself, somebody who has a good head on their shoulders and can speak the truth. I try to model myself after Boehner, even if that means buying case after case of spray tan every month.

While the liberals applaud Obama as if he's Snoop Dogg finishing a particular "killer" set of raps, I sit here and wonder how this country got into such bad shape in the last year. Everything was so great when George W. Bush was my President. The only thing we had to worry about was Janet Jackson's nipple slipping out on national TV and terrorist attacks. Those days were free and easy as far as I'm concerned. Now we have to fight for the last scrap of bread (not me, I have a great job and can afford to order steaks from Omaha-- I'm just making a point) instead of living in the lap of luxury like we were just a mere few years ago. Now anybody with under three dollars can go to the gas station and buy a gallon of petrol. This is not the country that I used to live in and I wish they would change the name of it to something that reflected its current state.