Showing posts with label presidential debates. Show all posts
Showing posts with label presidential debates. Show all posts

Presidential Debate #2 Town Hall Gangnam Style Reactions (w/ Katy Perry Nude Tweets!)

By Glenn

What a night!  Between Obama's self-deprecation, Romney's self-urination, Candy Crowley's self-aggrandizing and a Howard Stern fan shouting Bababooey from the audience, this was a great time to be a fan of American democracy.  President Hitler had a lot of work to do in winning over the .08% left of our brain-dead undecided electorate and by most accounts on MySpace he did it.  Romney got his points in too though, pointing out gas prices have increased in the past few years and that Obama is black.


As a somewhat disaffected likely Obama voter, it pained me to watch him flounder in the first debate - for the sake of him, his campaign and that it meant Romney's "ideas" obtain implicit legitimacy when no one is around to forcefully challenge them.  I watched the first debate with the same crew as the one tonight: a bunch of liberal to super liberal people fairly engaged in politics.  You know the type.  They hoot and holler when Obama launches a zinger and they boo and hiss when Romney starts throwing money at the debate moderator.  I get it, but I don't necessarily like it.  I prefer a thoughtful, even-handed response to everything both candidates say, like the following tweets from last night:












Part of me hates the debates: the reductionist tribalism, the soundbites, the lying, the "spin room," the sexual tension, the intermittent hum just soft enough no one else notices, the pandering, the idiotic time limits, no one respecting the time limits and the fact all of my favorite low culture sitcoms on network TV are preempted.  This isn't even getting into the issue of allowing third party candidates on the stage. What, were they afraid Gary Johnson was going to light up a joint and declare OBummerCare unconstitutional?



For all the valid criticisms, I still love that for 3 times every 4 years, some low information people are forced to at least hear about issues in the campaign while they committing non-felonious acts of beastiality.  This is good for USA.  Also, on what other occasion can political types like myself get together with others to watch two motherfuckers talk about tax policy and it hold the same festive appeal as the Super Bowl or the Pope's death?  The debates bring us pithy one liners (like Bush asking if you need some wood) that candidates have been "practicing for months" but they can also deal with policy.

Let's look at the list of what was covered last night:
  1. Obama said Pell Grants were good.  Romney said they were unconstitutional.
  2. Mitt Romney  never said "let Detroit go bankrupt."  Instead, he wanted it to be destroyed through decades of deindustrialization.
  3. Mitt Romney said Obama doesn't like oil, natural gas and coal. Obama jumped up on Candy Crowley's desk and started shitting clean coal.
  4. Obama says Romney's math on tax cuts doesn't add up.  Romney says it does and our entire civilization's understanding of mathematics collapses instantaneously. 
  5. Romney lied about looking through a binder of full of women, but did hire more transgender M2F than any other governor in Massachusetts history.
The angriest I got during the debate was when the issue of the Libyan embassy attack arose.  Back on 9/11/2012 when Romney waited until 12:01am to release a press release saying the Obama administration was apologizing and sympathizing with the attackers, it was the most despicable point in his campaign.  And that's saying something.  It was stupid, offensive and factually wrong.  What Obama actually said that if he had been at the embassy in Benghazi he thought he would have joined the attack but being so far removed it was hard to say for sure.  It was great when Obama accused him of playing politics, evoking the spectre of four dead Americans Obama visited when their body units came back, but it should have gone further.  Romney and the Republican Party are full of anti-Muslim bigots and NOT the good kind like Sam Harris and other nuveau atheists.



Outside of that, the debate was a lot of fun.  We didn't hear any substantive answers to the impending collapse of the American economy or the certain worldwide war that will destroy our planet in the next 20-30 years, but that's not what this campaign is about.  This campaign is about the simple question: are you better off than you were four years ago?  One Year in Texas didn't exist in 2008 so the answer is absolutely, unequivocally YES.

Presidential Debate #2 Predictions


By OYIT Staff

This Tuesday, two people - most likely B. Hussein Obama and Willard “Mittens” Romney - will once again meet in a town hall style debate to address domestic issues, such as housework and marital rape.  The debate will be taking place at Hofstra University in New York (the Kaplan College of Long Island), full of students refusing to take responsibility for their lives and clinging to their guns and religion. 




The consensus opinion of the first debate is that Romney won because he was able to limit his use of the n-word, and because Obama failed to defend his record and got too caught up in attacks on Mormonism.  Today the OYIT staff will take a look into their crystal balls and predict what might happen in the next blood-soaked encounter between two stooges of Non-Profit America.


  • Mitt Romney will once again declare his love for Big Bird, then reveal that he has taken Big Bird as one of his many wives.
  • Romney’s ideological swing from liberal east coast Republican to “severe conservative” back towards the middle will take another giant leap left when he performs a vulgar display that culminates in his wiping his filthy ass and blowing his nose - in that order - with the original copy of the US Constitution. Watching from the audience, Virgil Goode will begin audibly weeping, not because of the political/historical blasphemy he’s seeing, but simply because he’s not fully prepared for the size of the custom Articles Of Confederation buttplug he personally designed and wore to the debate.




  • Mitt Romney will then admit that sometimes he fantasizes about Elmo, too. No offense to Big Bird.
  • After being chided by the media for not being aggressive in the last debate, Barack Obama will walk over to Mitt Romney and punch him in the face and tell him he’s going to send him straight to Third Heaven.

  • Romney will accuse Obama of having been born in Kenya, to which Obama will respond by calling Anne Romney an “ugly cunt.”

  • Holding a fully detached human jawbone, a confused Ron Paul will stumble onto stage, naked and covered in what must be blood, before calling Romney “Mommy Number Two” then asking Obama: “Daddy can I take the horse out for a ride tonight?”

  • One of the audience members asking questions will be a tea party member who detonates a suicide bomb, killing everyone in the auditorium except Candy Crowley, who is immortal and by default becomes the nominee of the Green Party.

  • Both candidates will play a drinking game of their own during the debate: Any time one of them calls the other “my opponent”, each will take a sip of their red wine with tonic water and olives - the official drink of the 2012 Election.

  • After criticism that he seemed “out of it” during the first debate, President Obama will drink three Redbulls before going on stage for this debate.  He will get so hyped that he will rip his own skin off and flex his exposed musculature, which will appeal to body builders and win him the election.

  • Obama will wear a festive Halloween costume. Romney will wear a festive Halloween brooch.

  • One question taken from the audience will be from Dalek2007, Gary Johnson’s Second Life avatar.  The question will be about the box office numbers for Atlas Shrugged 2, which were much higher in Second Life than first.


  • All participants get sidetracked trying to figure out where that giant eyeball in Florida came from.


  • Romney evokes the bus driver who uppercutted the teen girl as the kind of American entrepreneurial spirit we’ve been missing under Obama.  O then brings out the teen girl who endorses him and talks some MAJOR shit on Romney, who uppercuts her.  This leads to another Romney surge among working class men in polls conducted by upper middle class blacks living on Long Island.

  • Mitt Romney will constantly quote the film version of “The Shadow,” the only movie he has ever seen.  The undecided voters will not respond to this.


  • Hofstra University will be leveled by a nuclear missile shot from the submarine in Last Resort, ABC’s hit new action/drama airing every Thursday night at 8pm EST.

  • One of the “regular people” asking a question from the audience is Jared Loughner who asks a question about the government’s control of language and then opens fire in the first act of senseless gun violence in America since the Civil War.

  • Jill Stein shows up and drops out of the presidential race, endorsing Roseanne, who reveals the last four years were a dream: McCain really won the election and Darlene was gay and co-hosted a The View rip-off.

  • As the debate progresses, Obama and Romney will both begin losing their trains of thought, frequently pausing, and ending sentences with “... I mean... yeah, dude, you know?” After Romney, completely unfamiliar with the effects of illicit drugs, begins answering a question on economic growth with “What if, like, it was, like...” potheads around the nation suspect both candidates have been dosed without their knowledge. Cameras panning to the audience will reveal nearly three quarters of the crowd to be unconscious as an undetectable gas leak in the building slowly claims the lives of everyone in the auditorium.


  • The undetectable gas leak will continue to build after the debate consuming the northern half of the East Coast before it is contained.  It will lose the general election to third party candidate Gary Johnson, but will carry the entire South.

  • Hot off news that stimulus-receiving company A123 has declared bankruptcy, Mitt Romney will hit Obama hard by bringing out a mummified employee of A123 and perform a necrophiliac act to highlight the improper relationship between the federal government and so-called “green companies.”

  • To prove to the American people that he’s just like them, Romney will make a reference to the ABC show “Wife Swap.” He will inform the viewing audience that he and Paul Ryan have taped an audition tape in which they engage in those “swinging activities” with Janna, Ann, and Romney’s seven other wives who shall remain nameless.*  The link to watch the video is located on the Mormon Church’s website.
*Romney had his seven additional wives’ names legally “erased” upon their nuptials.

  • Biden, fresh from the beatdown he gave Paul Ryan during the vice presidential debate, will be spotted in the audience handing out jello shots and giving crude prison-style tattoos to anyone who wants them, regardless of age. Eschewing standard antiseptic practices, Biden will outright refuse to clean the tattoo gun between customers, which he calls “my fresh ink babies linked by blood.” He will also sign each tattoo with BD, which he claims can mean either “Bi Den” or “Big Dick” depending on his mood.


  • According to documents leaked by the underground Lyndon LaRouche faction at Hofstra University, the Republican and Democratic national conventions have agreed that all judgements of performances during the debate will be based upon phrenology performed on the candidates by respectable bump and crevice doctors. Additionally, all questions from moderators and commentary by pundits is to be spoken using only words containing glottal stops regardless of any agreed-upon debate language, be it English, Adamic, pidgin, Ferengi, Enochian, The Language of the Birds, Valarin, or any of the glossolalia-based tongues the Romney campaign invented for the debate.