Good Morning Divorcés

By Keelin 




Sigh. Oh, good morning. I guess.

I apologize in advance if this good morning is only an adequate one. I'm not my usual jubilant self ever since my two favorite quasi-celebrity couples decided to jettison 54 combined years of marriage for what I can only imagine will be years of debauchery and carnal waywardness. (If country music is to be believed, though, Jesus is at the end of that path of sin -- like, to save you from it, not to participate in it.)


On Tuesday, Al and Tipper Gore, the Captain and Tennille of political life, announced they were divorcing after 40 years of marriage. Then yesterday, famed "Saved by the Bell" thespian Mark-Paul Gosselaar said he and his wife, some lady, are breaking up too! (Actually, I read on reliable gossip websites that her name is Lisa Ann Something -- I assume they bonded over the fact that they both have two first names. Apparently, that's only enough for 14 years of matrimonial bliss.) I haven't been this heartbroken since I found out Robert Pattinson is dating all of the Jonas Brothers.


Today's Weather



Rain, endless rain that poetically conveys my inner turmoil over the state of America's celebrity marriages. Can't any of my favorite couples stay together? Tiger and Elin Woods? Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head? Anyone?

Today's Movie



"The Gay Divorcée" is a film from a more wholesome time, when people settled their differences with ballroom dance and women were still getting used to this "voting" thing. Don't be confused by the title: this movie was made before the homosexual lobby stole the word "gay" from innocent Americans who were simply cheerful.

Today's Prediction



Al Gore will try internet dating under the Sarah Palin-inspired moniker ExtremeGreenie101. Meanwhile, Zack Morris and Kelly Kapowski will re-unite on the Hawaiian beach immortalized in the "Saved by the Bell" TV movie. And everyone will be happy again.

Scam Bait - C.I.A. Edition



By Bub 


From: C.I.A (ciaagent@us.com)
Subject: Central Intelligence Agency (CIA)
To: bub@oneyearintexas.com
Date: Wednesday, June 2, 2010, 11:39 AM

FROM THE HEAD OFFICE CIA INTERNET INVESTIGATION DEPARTMENT MAIMI FLORIDA

The Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) is an independent US Government agency responsible for providing national security intelligence to United State Of America Citizen.

My name is Agent Barrister Jack White from the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) We are writing in response to our track light monitoring device which we received today in our office about the illegal transactions that you have been involve in for a long time now.

We understand from our general investigations that some con men from Nigeria has been ripping you off your hard earned money with the pretense of dealing with ATM CARD Company that will deliver a Card to you and the proposed amount which was to be transferred to you is the sum of $20,000,000 Usd as stated in our record here.

We also got a complain from our German and usa counterpart stating that your identity/information's was used to dupe a German business man to the tune of $13,000 Usd by some Nigerian Fraudsters which you have been in contact with for some time now.

Due to my inestigation i found out that you have dealing with fake GOVERNMENT AGENCY IN REGARD TO YOUR FUND RELEASE AND THEY HAVE USED THE MEANS TO USE YOUR IDENTITY AND INFORMATION TO SCAM VARIOUS UNITED STATE CITIZEN AND ALSO EUROPE COUNTRY.

We also discovered that you have made some payments to them earlier for this same funds that was to be sent to you.

I want to use this means to let you know that you will get yourself into trouble if you dont stop communication with those scam group and this may lead to your arrest.

Get back to me if you are ready to follow my advice and instruction so i can direct and tell you what to do next on how to get your MASTERCARD ATM CARD WHICH CONTAIN $20 MILLION USD and this include interest rate up till date.

REMEMBER STOP CONTACT WITH THOSE INTERNET FRAUD GROUP OK AND MAKE SURE ONCE YOU RECIEVE ANY STRANGE EMAIL FROM THEM FORWARD IT TO ME SO OUR INTERNET DEPARTMENT CAN MAKE AN INVESTIGATION AND GET THEM ARRESTED OK.

AWAIT YOUR REPLY SO I CAN INSTRUCT YOU ON WHAT TO DO NEXT.

C.I.A INTERNET INVESTIGATION DEPARTMENT
12/17 GOVERNMENT BUILDING STREET.
MAIMI,FLORIDA
BARRISTER JACK WHITE
WEBSITE: WWW.CIA.GOV

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Dear Barrister CIA Agent,

As a citizen of the United States of America, I feel as though I have a vague familiarity with the proud and colorful people of the United State of America Citizen. Out of respect for your culture and customs I will refrain from public displays of affection for the duration of this composition, and I will not include any graphic depictions of The Prophet America Citizen in our correspondence (even while my office is cluttered with them).

I have to say I am surprised that your track light was able to pick up on my dealings with various Nigerian and Hong Kongian diplomats. My track lighting is barely capable of soft illumination. But, as you say, you are a member of your obscure nation's CIA so I have to assume you have extremely advanced track lighting technology.

I hear Maimi is beautiful this time of year. Not as beautiful as Miami, or any city in the USAC, but still, beautiful.

It is very unfortunate to read that I have been ripped off for upwards of millions of dollars. But, at the same time it is rather exciting. I was not even aware I was in possession of millions of dollars to begin with. But, I'll take the news in stride. I am not going to quit my job as an alpaca farmer; I mean too much to those animals. But I AM going to commission the manufacture of a fleet of hover-boards so that my animals will never have to suffer from grass-burns or trench-tongue ever again.

I am also disappointed to hear about the poor, duped, German fellow. But I have to admit it feels mildly titilating to be involved, however tangentially, in an elaborate international scheme aimed at exacting revenge on the Germans. I am keenly aware of the tension between the Germans and the Nigerians stemming from the Holocaust, the conquests of Atilla the Hun, and those offensive cave paintings of America Citizen by early German neandertals. Those wounds are so deep that only by confusing German pensioners out of a modest sum of money can the healing process even begin to begin.

I confess, while my identity has been used repeatedly to scam VARIOUS UNITED STATE CITIZEN (sic), I take no small amount of pride in the fact that my identity has managed to scam entire EUROPE COUNTRY(ies) (sic). Suddenly, the Greek financial collapse makes perfect sense.

Look, I know I am behind on payments to a nebulous band of Nigerian cyber-thugs, but as things stand I simply cannot afford being extorted. So legally by stating 'do not contact me regarding my alleged debts to the international crime syndicate at this email address' you have to comply as per the Fair Debt Collection Practices Act. Please do not take this as me requesting you to cease contact regarding fantastical scenarios regarding Venezualan contractors and Iraqi architects and my bank account number, because I relish those communications dearly. It is the only way I can keep abreast of which Taiwanese businessmen have passed away left me as their sole heir. It is always humbling and astounding that I have had such a dramatic impact on people that I did not even know existed, and who often never did.

Which is why I regretfully cannot cease contact with online criminals. They have been there for me, asking me to cash fraudulent checks, throughout my darkest times when even my family could not reach into my abyss. They ARE my family, and as The Hollies once sang and Neil Diamond once crowed, 'He ain't heavy, he's my brother'. I will 'carry that weight', to reference another Hollies/Neil Diamond song. If this means it will lead to my arrest, then I suppose my arrest is inevitable. As a precaution I will go on a pre-emptive hunger-strike until my demands are met. My demands are simple, and actually, only singular; let me continue to be exploited by internet scams.

So, you keep your $20 million in blood money. My West African friends have promised me 12 times that amount in a single day. Though I have never actually gotten any of that money from them, and despite their constant attempts to defraud me, I cannot be bought. I am not the Hmong people circa 1975 that you can simply facilitate my poppy production in order to fund the anti-Laotian insurgency. I don't even grow poppy. And I will swear allegience to the military dictatorship of Laos until the day I die defending it in battle.

Sincerely,

Bub

Saved by the Bell: Cream for a Day

By Jake

Episode 6320: Cream for a Day

The Players
Zack Morris
AC Slater
Samuel "Screech" Powers
Kelly Kapowski
Lisa Turtle
Jessica Spano
Principal Richard Belding
Mr. Bennet
Charlie Coburn
Muffin Sangria
Susie Van Fike

It's Homecoming and the halls of Bayside are swelling with school spirit. Their game is against Valley, their arch rivals. Zack jokes that last year even Valley's band scored a touchdown against them. I believe that is against the rules, not that I know that much about football. Zack is probably being facetious and painting a picture of how terrible Bayside's football team truly is. They haven't beat Valley in 23 years.

Lisa and Jessie are hocking tiger tales. Zack and Slater join them to mock Valley and their accents. Zack attempts to help the girls by putting a tail on the back of a hat and placing it upon Slater's oily dome. Slater hates it and puts it on Zack. They leave and Kelly joins Lisa and Jessie. Kelly wants to be Homecoming queen. She's worried that people will find out she's wears a retainer at night, and Lisa says it really loud to ruin her chances at being crowned.

Screech and Zack are in chemistry class. Screech has a new zit he has named Murray. Lisa joins and is appropriately disgusted. Mr. Bennet is mad that Screech is sort of flirting with Lisa and threatens to fail them. Screech mixes some chemicals, and they explode in his face in a very humorous fashion. Trust me.

The gang is hanging out at the Max, sans Screech. Kelly asks Zack and Slater which way they like her hair. She loves pitting Bayside's hottest hunks against each other. Slater and Zack trade insults. Susie and Muffin walk in, and they're also competing for Homecoming queen. The boys try to build up Kelly's confidence, but she's not buying it.

Zack and Screech are in the hall. Screech's zit is gone and he's depressed. Zack deduces that the chemistry experiment that blew up in Screech's face is the cure for acne. Ever the capitalist, Zack can see the dollar signs in this miracle cream. Screech makes a Gorbachev blemish joke that will never get old. I would have went with Noriega. They decide to test this potential product out on the notorious Charlie "Craterface" Coburn. If they can clear his acne up then they will sell a million units, they figure.

Kelly has a pimple and Lisa and Jessie are trying to persuade her out of her bathroom. They tempt her with the sexy straight hunk George Michael's new video. She takes the bait and emerges. She goes into a fantasy sequence where Mr. Belding puts her down because she has a zit. She almost cries, but isn't a good enough actress. Kelly has some serious family issues and thinks the only way to get attention from her parents is by winning the school sanctioned beauty contest. I hate her parents.

Just as they convince Kelly that nobody will notice her small blemish, Screech approaches her and offers her some of his and Zack's wonder cream. Zack is hucking this product like he's a 1930s ointment salesman. He unveils Craterface's new look and everybody is desperate for some Zit-Off. Belding nabs Craterface and Zack and takes them to his office. Zack attempts to sell Belding on becoming an investor, but he's not biting, although he does try some when Zack and the newly dubbed "Babyface" leave.

Kelly approaches Zack to score some Zit-Off. Kelly offers any price, and Zack is probably going to get a hj. Just as Kelly walks away Screech joins Zack. His face is maroon. He theorizes that when the cream homogenizes it changes color. Screech even ran through a carwash trying to remove the stain off his skin to no avail.

Zack and Screech are looking for Kelly to warn her. Screech is dressed as a tiger. Kelly has already used the cream and her face has cleared up. Screech and Zack go back to Zack's house. Screech removes the tiger head and the maroon is gone. Zack is relieved that it's not permanent and hurries to Kelly's house to warn her. She is seriously pissed. Zack says that lately she's been acting like the only thing that matters is her looks, which further enrages her. She tells him to leave.

Slater is giving a speech at the pep rally. Jessie gives the homecoming queen results. Muffin Sangria comes in third, followed by Susie Van Fike. Kelly Kapowski is your Homecoming queen and now she can finally shut up...or can she? After all her face is stained maroon. Kelly thanks everybody for crowning her queen even though her face is maroon. I don't think queens get elected, they should change it to Homecoming madam president. Slater beatboxes while Kelly, Lisa and Jessie rap. Yes, that really happens and it's as amazing as it sounds. Belding has spots on his face from the Zit-Off. Kelly apologizes to Zack for being conceited.

By the way, Bayside won the big game because Valley was so afraid of their maroon faces. True story. Slater scored the only touchdown, in case you were curious. The End.

Debate: What Came First: Chicken or the Egg?

By Jake & Glenn 



We all know that chickens are the ancestors of the dinosaurs, and much like their Jurassic kin they lay eggs. There's a famous koan that asks, "what came first: the chicken or the egg?" From the moment the words escaped that Buddhist monk's lips the world has been completely puzzled by the answer. How do you get an egg without a chicken? How can there be a chicken with no egg? How do you get breakfast and dinner with no chicken or eggs? We're hoping to answer these questions or to reach nirvana, the state of total enlightenment, whichever comes first.

Jake: This is a question that I have meditated on many times since I converted to Buddhism in 2001. Sometimes I think it's the egg-- these are the times when I'm drunk and/or on PCP. It's the chicken: end of story. While the tale may be told, this debate is far from over-- in fact, it's just beginning. Without a chicken you can't get an egg, right? So how can you say an egg came before a chicken? You're trying to tell me you think a lizard or monkey laid an egg and out came a chicken? That's as ludicrous as a song about where your hos live. I find it more likely that God created the chicken at the same time he created man, but before he created woman. There's probably a missing book in The Bible about it, just like The Gospel of Infancy Thomas where Jesus kills some kids.

Glenn: Immediately Jake reveals the contradictions in his position and overall character. He claims to have converted to Buddhism, the most authentic religion available currently, in 2001. Yet at the same time he also invokes the Bible to justify his belief that god created a chicken before an egg. This sounds suspiciously like post-Mormon revisionism cloaked in a existential wonderland of despair. To look into the eyes of a chicken and tell it that it predates an egg is worse than looking into a child's eye (no matter which one) and telling it that Santa Claus is real. Both are lies that establish a culture of dishonesty in a world where the truth already hangs by a thin thread. An egg is a chicken in the purest and simplest form. Anyone who has studied evolution or pretends to study evolution at a major university knows that life began with the purest and simplest of forms before ultimately evolving into the chicken, which is the most complex living organism in the Western Hemisphere.

Jake: Glenn, you misspelled God, it is a capital "G." In your attempt to marginalize my lord and my life, you have fallen into my perfectly baited trap. If there's no God, then how can there be a chicken-- or even an egg, for that matter. If there was no God you wouldn't be sitting in an internet cafe drinking an Italian soda and pretending that God doesn't exist in an effort to relate to the late Kurt Cobain. You can be a Buddhist and believe in the Christian God at the same time. It's a religious Super Team-Up that eclipses the likes of Spider-Man and The Invisible Woman. I find your argument to be a bit scrambled, but I assume it has something to do with eggs. That pun was intended, just like your attempt to appeal to the atheist crowd.

Glenn: Let's not bring religion into this. Religion has killed enough people in the past 500 years and I don't want us to be added to that list. Instead I ask the focus to be returned to the egg. Remember how Mork (played brilliantly by Robin Williams) arrived on Earth during the first episode of Mork and Mindy? It was in an egg-shaped spaceship. No matter what religion you believe, it's hard to deny the alien origins of many of Earth's most famous landmarks: Stonehendge, Easter Island, the Space Needle. It follows that aliens likely brought the first egg to this planet. I can't tell you if they came in a spaceship and dropped the egg here to populate the planet with chickens nor can I tell you if they were all as funny as Robin Williams. I'm not that old! But I'm old enough to know that there was an egg around long before any chicken ever clucked its first cluck.

Jake: While Glenn might try to persuade you with flashy and farcical stories of spacemen coming to Earth via a giant egg, I will present you with nothing but cold facts. Fact: Chickens lay eggs. This is the most imortant fact of this debate. If you have no chicken to lay an egg, then you have no chicken to hatch from the egg. While some argue that the inverse is also true, I must laugh. That is as hilarious as the episode of Mork & Mindy where Mork gave birth to a giant egg and Jonathan Winters was his son. I don't pretend to know how an egg works, but I can make some guesses. I think an egg needs to be fertilized by a rooster. Maybe the chickens make love-- like I said, I'm clueless. What I'm going to propose to you now might seem a little far-fetched, even with all of this space talk: two chickens came before the egg. If you cannot process that I sincerely appologize. It's just the way it is, and whatever soft-boiled theories Glenn has about eggs are just plain rotten.

Glenn: You can use as many egg-related puns as you want, but the only people you will convince are Hare Krishnas and Neo-Nazis who mistakenly believe the Third Reich's Final Solution was "over easy." You say that two chickens must be the prerequisite for a successful egg. I do concede that in modern times that is one of the more reliable ways to produce an egg. However, this all begs the most important question of all: where did those two chickens come from and how did they fall in love? Chickens do not materialize out of thin air any more than humans do. Every chicken needs an origin story and every chicken begins with an egg. Every human has an origin story that also involves an egg. Eggs, in a slightly different form, reside in all female humans. If you turn your back on eggs it is as if you're turning your back on half of our population. As an avowed romantic and feminist, I love women in every form and would never betray them by betraying what resides in their fallopian tubes: a beautiful egg that will one day become a chicken.

Good Morning 404

By Glenn 

Good morning. The end of an era is over. In college we moved into a house downtown and I lived there for two years. The previous two years a younger generation of college students took over and the house become more dilapidated and filled with smoke. At the same time, it also became known for a series of raucous parties and sexual/emotional debauchery that rivaled Sodom and Gomorrah. Yesterday was the last day of the lease. There's no way to know what the future holds for this house but it's completely vacant except for mountains and mountains of trash and furniture. If someone else moves in, I hope they end up being home invaded too - and I will take whatever measures necessary to ensure that happens.

[This is a fitting time to use the Nelson Mandela quote "There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered."]


Today's Weather
There's nothing big to report here other than it's getting very hot outside. As May ends and becomes June, the only thing we know for sure is that it will get warmer and more humid. This means it's time to jettison your thick, itchy Hanes t-shirts and pick up some American Apparel. American Apparel is expensive, but the fabric is thin and lets you breathe. Their shirts are perfect for warm weather and when you want to look good. In other weather-related news, it rained on Memorial Day - which usually wouldn't matter but it ruined our President's planned speech to a cemetery in Chicago. Obama then issued an executive order that the bodies be dug up and moved closer to DC so he can try again for Veterans Day.


Today's Israeli Massacre

We're still waiting on the details but it's safe to say at this point that the Israel is responsible for more killings of innocent people. This is using the term innocent very loosely. In comparison to the invasions and bombings of Lebanon or Gaza, this looks like an act of benevolence, but apparently Israeli forces stormed a boat and killed people on it. Their excuse is that the people were trying to break a blockade and deliver humanitarian supplies. The best article I have read about the situation can be read here. Please click the link so I don't have to attempt more jokes about a very sad situation.


Today's Prediction
As stated in the linked article above, public opinion in the United States will begin to turn even more against the actions of Israel. Israel will be forced to launch a public campaign akin to how American Apparel advertises its clothes. Members of the Mossad and IDF will be photographed in the trendiest and thinnest fabric that side of the Red Sea while they bulldoze down the home of a suicide bomber's family or make a decision, miles away, to bomb a hospital in the occupied territories. The aforementioned house will be located at 404 North Tenth Street in Columbia, Missouri.

May Cargo Cult


By ScottB;

BOOK: "Underworld" (1997) by Don DeLillo

I remember listening to Sonic Youth's "Daydream Nation" for the first time and how perfect it was. The Platonic Ideal of indy rock. It had a big enough sound to straddle the void between mindless pop catchiness and noise rock's masochism. It was expansive enough to be able to dwell on the huge arcs of its style, or get lost in the microscopic detail of each hook, or word, or pause, or exhale. I enjoyed this book in the same way. It's by far the best book I've read this year...and probably in a lot longer even.

The story vacillates seamlessly between pitch-perfect descriptions of card games in the 1950's Bronx, to Lenny Bruce stand-up, to 1980's corporate culture, to the Atom Bomb looming over each character and engulfing the action. The bomb charges everything with a dark undercurrent of metaphysical energy. It's The White Whale...only nobody gets killed...at least not literally. The threat alone is enough to make the entire half-century radiate with a strange luminescence. This is one of the best books I've ever read.

ALBUM: "High Violet" (2010) by The National

There are a few lazy ways to describe this band and album: they sound like Joy Division covering R.E.M...."High Violet" is to "Boxer" as "Ok Computer" is to "The Bends"...but despite being accurate they're a little reductionist. And that's whats great about this band/album: sure, they have a context in which they exist inside of rock history, but they also have tendrils exploring previously untouched psychic fauna. The drumming is awesome. The guitars play around with texture. The lyrics are perfect keyhole glimpses into inner bed-chambers of thought. "Bloodbuzz, Ohio" is nearly an anthem for Midwesterners living in the city. And, as always with this band, the first line of the first song perfectly sets the tone for the rest of the album: "Terrible love and I'm walking with spiders..."

MOVIE: "Grizzly Man" (2005)

Herzog, the director, is a baller for sure; but in this documentary he shifts his attention to the least deserving aspect of Man/Bear love: the aesthetic beauty of the bears themselves. Timothy Treadwell's lunacy is addressed, but so respectfully as to be nearly reverential. That's fitting for the dead but boring for the living. So get past the new agey soundtrack and expansive Alaskan vistas and concentrate on the story itself: An outcast moves to LA, assumes a false name and makes up a new Australian identity, fails at acting, finds work in a Medieval themed restaurant, picks Grizzly Bears to pour his wealth of psycho emotional energy into, lives among them for a long time, films it, starts to believe that he is a bear too, is eventually eaten by the bears. And didn't anyone try to stop him or help him or something? No. Apparently everyone he's ever known or loved was also insane.

FOOD: Cuban Sandwich from Cuban Cafe

Now that summer is here and outdoor seating is open it seems more appropriate to eat Cuban in the city. I don't know if its the tender meat, the crispy pickle, or the chipotle mayo that makes this Cuban taste better than others, but it does. And it's served with a side of Garbanzo Beans. Wash it down with a Pina Colada so delicious I didn't even drink it ironically.

CARGO: My New Apartment

It's huge for my neighborhood. It's twice the size of my old apartment for the same price. It's contains the holy trinity of washer/dryer/dishwasher. There's roof access from which you can see the Empire State building if you look one way, and the beautiful Neo-Classical Brooklyn Museum the other. My bedroom windows look down on my favorite Thai, Mexican, and Japanese restaurants. My neighbor, Sit and Wonder Cafe, serves Stumptown Coffee. And Glenn and Maddie will be living 1.4 miles away.

Life With Mikey [5-31-10]

By Mikey 

My friends and I like to talk about the differences between grilling with charcoal versus grilling with propane. It's a spirited argument, and I love it because it always ends with a big pile of meat. I prefer coal, by the way.



Wayne Gretzky is a genius.

The Fonz jumping the shark has become a symbolic act, but it was pretty spectacular at the time.

I ordered a scotch on the rocks at a restaurant trying to show off to some friends. It was a huge mistake.

Where would somebody buy a typewriter ribbon?

I like jokes about people going to bars even though I rarely drink.

I'm pretty surprised we don't see Fabio on more TV shows.

I believe in ghosts.

Heather Locklear is hot. Please don't tell my wife I said that.

There used to be a lot more TV shows about butlers than there are today.

I just can't get enough peanut brittle.

All my favorite TV shows get cancelled after their first season.

I try not to go to too many high school basketball games, but it's hard. I just don't want to seem weird.

Pirates in the movies are too magical. Real pirates just want to rob ships. They never fight giant squids, and if they do we never hear about it.