By Bub and Ali
Bub and Ali make up a song on the fly. Ali is the Wayne Brady of OYIT and Bub is the Wayne Gretzky.
Bub and Ali make up a song on the fly. Ali is the Wayne Brady of OYIT and Bub is the Wayne Gretzky.
Untertainment Weakly (5-25-12)
By Jake
Will
Forte, John Solomon and Jorma Toccone are trying to get a “MacGruber”
sequel off of the ground. For those of you who have not seen it,
“MacGruber” is a very funny film.
Dan Harmon is leaving “Community” as the showrunner, but writer Megan Ganz has signed on for the 13 episode season.
There will be a Maggie Simpson short before “Ice Age: Continental Drift.”
Will
Forte, John Solomon and Jorma Toccone are trying to get a “MacGruber”
sequel off of the ground. For those of you who have not seen it,
“MacGruber” is a very funny film.
Gary Oldman has joined “Robocop.”
For some reason there is talk of making an “In the Army Now” sequel starring Pauley Shore.
Zoe Saldana has joined “Machete Kills.”
“G.I. Joe: Retaliation” has been pushed back to 2013.
HBO is developing a comedy series by Charlie Kaufman and to star Catherine Keener.
Kevin Smith is developing a series for Hulu called “Spoilers.” It will most likely be juvenile and shitty.
Kim Kardashian was named the hottest woman in the world by Zoo Magazine. Mr. Ed was named hottest horse.
“Dog The Bounty Hunter” has been canceled. When asked for a comment, he merely barked and played dead.
Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy will star in a buddy cop comedy.
Charlize Theron is campaigning for a cameo/small role in the upcoming “Arrested Development” film.
Matthew Perry Watch
Matthew
Perry has gone into his fortress of solitude to prepare for his new
series “Go On.” We can all just hope that a meteor does not threaten to
collide with Earth while he meditates and gets into character for his
new role.
Movies Out This Weekend
Men
in Black III - Why? Why the fuck would you go see MIB III?
Are you mentally deranged? Developmentally disabled? Drunk and
wondered into the wrong theater? Are you seeing it ironically? Are you
Josh Brolin’s biggest fan? Why in the hell would you see this film?
It has to be terrible. Have you seen the trailer? WIll Smith goes
back in time to fight aliens. That doesn’t even make sense. Fuck you
if you see this movie.
Chernobyl
Diaries - What the fuck is this movie? Some kind of horror
movie or a dystopian version of “The Diary of Anne Frank”? Maybe “The
Diary of Anne Frank” is dystopian in the first place. I have never
heard of this movie and I have never heard of anybody in it.
Movies I Watched This Week
The Dictator 7/10
The Wonderful and Wild Whites 6/10
Die Hard 10/10
Song of the Week
Nas is my favorite rapper. This is his most outrageous song. It is stupid, but also glorious. It takes an old hip hop trope (making a Frankenstein monster out of the various parts of famous females) and puts it over an amazing beat.
Debate: Summer Music Festivals
By Sarah and Glenn
Earlier this year the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival took the music world by storm, filling not just one but two weekends with all the best in hip hop, rock and post-jazz. In a few weeks Bonnaroo’s yearly festival will kill at least one young alternative as it unofficially marks the start of “summer festival” season. From Sasquatch to Lollapalooza to Promise Keepers Oklahoma City, music lovers will flock to certain places and watch bands play their hit radio singles. This week we discuss whether risking a marijuana overdose or sexual assault at one of these festivals is worth the chance of catching Counting Crows play a 10+ minute version of “A Murder of One” or a hologram of Dennis Wilson appearing with the Beach Boys and accusing Mike Love of his murder. Now rush the stage with us and let’s trample other festival goers to death.
Glenn: I love music festivals. Though I have only been to Coachella I have dreamed of attending Lollapalooza or even the month-long Phish festival in upstate Vermont. They are a fantastic place to do drugs and meet people. There is a famous video on the internet of a young woman, presumably on ecstasy, humping a tree and having a fight with it during recent Ultra Music Festival in Miami. That could be any of us at any festival (though the more EDM and MDMA the better). Also, where else could you see a lineup that included Pulp, Rage Against the Machine, the Arcade Fire, Nate Dogg, Warren G and the surviving members of the Bee Gees? Music festivals give us all the bands we love and a few we hate over the course of several days. Who would be against that?
Sarah: I would be against that. Musical Festivals are terrific places for seizures, infections and losing stuff. Everyone is so hyper on drugs and gummi-flavored vodka that anyone who is sober literally has free reign over everyone’s valuables. Did you know your chance of losing/destroying your iPhone increases by 4,000% when you enter a summer music festival? Congratulations. You just paid $200 to flush a $500 device down the sewer. (That’s a $700 net loss.) It’s also so super sweaty. Anyone who goes to summer music festivals is NEVER allowed to complain about a crowded subway car or people who breathe too close to their face. Good gosh, now that I’m really thinking about it, I can’t image how many germs and bacteria find their way into body crevices at these summer festivals. YUCK! Sweaty, gyrating teenagers, sucking face and exchanging saliva -- thousands of cases of mono could be avoided if people just watched these grunge bands on DVD.
I went to the North Coast Music Festival two summers ago and a girl tried to impress me by hoola-hooping then showing me her friendship bracelets. If I wanted to see that I’d go to Claire’s Boutique in Ridgedale Mall on a Saturday morning.
Glenn Sarah, that “girl” was me. I was trying to earn the approval of older, cooler women with friendship bracelets much like I am trying to earn the approval of older, cooler women by advocating for summer festivals with cooling stations (for those suffering from menopause).
It does take a lot of money to attend the festivals and I’ve lost every cell phone I’ve ever owned at one, but it also takes a lot of money to shop at Ridgedale Mall. You might easily spend $300 on a Saturday afternoon there with your friends, while I can spend that same amount on a full weekend pass to see bands that would otherwise separately cost me over $10,000. Festivals are outdoors and hot and sweaty, but so is visiting a Panther preserve in South Florida. But the festivals, like the preserves, bring enjoyment to people’s lives and protect us from extinction. Instead of killing me, let me attend Lollapalooza and watch another endangered animal: Grizzly Bear.
Sarah: Extinction? More like Ex-STINK-tion. Get it? You may not if you attend these festivals because the loud music and drugs have probably damaged your brain. That, or it has been fried by the stench of rotting youth. The final formative years for a human’s brain are late teens to early 20s. Instead of destroying these final stages, young people seek out enjoyment at summer music festivals and slowly chip away at the beauty that is their mind. They should be out working! Getting internships! Inching the US forward and beyond China and the USSR!!!
However, Glenn brings up the valid point that I could easily spend $300 on a Saturday at Ridgedale. Likely on two pairs of jeans at Abercrombie or a slutty rhinestoned prom dress at Cache. Now I’m thinking about high school... middle school... how I spent tons of money on tickets to two ‘N Sync concerts and a Backstreet Boys show at the Target Center. I spent an afternoon making a poster that said “YOU’RE tearin’ up MY heart Justin!” instead of finishing my social studies homework. They made me throw it out when I got there. But it was worth it. Sigh. Music is so worth it.
Glenn: Music can be worth it, but not always. I did have a great time at Coachella, but I just as easily could have been trampled to death during the Turtles tribute or overdose during a War on Drugs set. At least one person dies every year at Bonnaroo and I will not lie here and make the claim that sacrificing your life to see Wilco perform Less Than You Think is noble. It is not.
Sure, you might spend $300 at the mall every Saturday but the memories, clothes and novelty penises you get from Spencer’s will last you just as long as watching the new buzz band perform at the smallest stage. The nice thing about the mall is all socioeconomic groups are welcome to patronize; I cannot say the same about festivals. Working class people might check your tickets at the entrance (and let you sneak knives in with a well placed bribe) but you won’t find them inside rocking out to Foster the People. For those of us who walk around wearing white/middle class guilt like a pear of Pumped Up Kicks, a summer music festival is one of the worst places for our increasingly social consciousness. Perhaps this year we should all stay away from Lollapalooza and donate to the United Way instead.
Sarah: While donating to United Way does feel good, an even better and more cathartic sensation is getting lost in the primal beat of Lady Gaga’s Paparazzi. Dancing to music to escape that white/middle class guilt and get in touch with one’s humanity is worth every penny. Especially if you’re doing it in a tank top and face paint. The beauty of all working class people - and CEOs - is that there is SOMEthing they do that is inappropriate for the workplace. On my morning commute I watch other well-groomed office workers herd to their desks wearing black suit jackets and crisp collared shirts. I wonder, “What’s your wild side like? Did you buy a Lollapalooza 3-day pass? Do you have an acid tab waiting on your nightstand for that special summer festival you attend once a year to forget your job and remember your youth?” I hope to gosh these people have something that they do that lets them escape the mundane routine of sleep-work-tv-sleep. Summer Festivals are magical events where we get down, dirty, and primal. And I bet the ticket takers get free day passes or t-shirts or something. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to see if hoola-hoops are on sale at Target.
Earlier this year the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival took the music world by storm, filling not just one but two weekends with all the best in hip hop, rock and post-jazz. In a few weeks Bonnaroo’s yearly festival will kill at least one young alternative as it unofficially marks the start of “summer festival” season. From Sasquatch to Lollapalooza to Promise Keepers Oklahoma City, music lovers will flock to certain places and watch bands play their hit radio singles. This week we discuss whether risking a marijuana overdose or sexual assault at one of these festivals is worth the chance of catching Counting Crows play a 10+ minute version of “A Murder of One” or a hologram of Dennis Wilson appearing with the Beach Boys and accusing Mike Love of his murder. Now rush the stage with us and let’s trample other festival goers to death.
Glenn: I love music festivals. Though I have only been to Coachella I have dreamed of attending Lollapalooza or even the month-long Phish festival in upstate Vermont. They are a fantastic place to do drugs and meet people. There is a famous video on the internet of a young woman, presumably on ecstasy, humping a tree and having a fight with it during recent Ultra Music Festival in Miami. That could be any of us at any festival (though the more EDM and MDMA the better). Also, where else could you see a lineup that included Pulp, Rage Against the Machine, the Arcade Fire, Nate Dogg, Warren G and the surviving members of the Bee Gees? Music festivals give us all the bands we love and a few we hate over the course of several days. Who would be against that?
Sarah: I would be against that. Musical Festivals are terrific places for seizures, infections and losing stuff. Everyone is so hyper on drugs and gummi-flavored vodka that anyone who is sober literally has free reign over everyone’s valuables. Did you know your chance of losing/destroying your iPhone increases by 4,000% when you enter a summer music festival? Congratulations. You just paid $200 to flush a $500 device down the sewer. (That’s a $700 net loss.) It’s also so super sweaty. Anyone who goes to summer music festivals is NEVER allowed to complain about a crowded subway car or people who breathe too close to their face. Good gosh, now that I’m really thinking about it, I can’t image how many germs and bacteria find their way into body crevices at these summer festivals. YUCK! Sweaty, gyrating teenagers, sucking face and exchanging saliva -- thousands of cases of mono could be avoided if people just watched these grunge bands on DVD. I went to the North Coast Music Festival two summers ago and a girl tried to impress me by hoola-hooping then showing me her friendship bracelets. If I wanted to see that I’d go to Claire’s Boutique in Ridgedale Mall on a Saturday morning.
Glenn Sarah, that “girl” was me. I was trying to earn the approval of older, cooler women with friendship bracelets much like I am trying to earn the approval of older, cooler women by advocating for summer festivals with cooling stations (for those suffering from menopause).
It does take a lot of money to attend the festivals and I’ve lost every cell phone I’ve ever owned at one, but it also takes a lot of money to shop at Ridgedale Mall. You might easily spend $300 on a Saturday afternoon there with your friends, while I can spend that same amount on a full weekend pass to see bands that would otherwise separately cost me over $10,000. Festivals are outdoors and hot and sweaty, but so is visiting a Panther preserve in South Florida. But the festivals, like the preserves, bring enjoyment to people’s lives and protect us from extinction. Instead of killing me, let me attend Lollapalooza and watch another endangered animal: Grizzly Bear.
Sarah: Extinction? More like Ex-STINK-tion. Get it? You may not if you attend these festivals because the loud music and drugs have probably damaged your brain. That, or it has been fried by the stench of rotting youth. The final formative years for a human’s brain are late teens to early 20s. Instead of destroying these final stages, young people seek out enjoyment at summer music festivals and slowly chip away at the beauty that is their mind. They should be out working! Getting internships! Inching the US forward and beyond China and the USSR!!!
However, Glenn brings up the valid point that I could easily spend $300 on a Saturday at Ridgedale. Likely on two pairs of jeans at Abercrombie or a slutty rhinestoned prom dress at Cache. Now I’m thinking about high school... middle school... how I spent tons of money on tickets to two ‘N Sync concerts and a Backstreet Boys show at the Target Center. I spent an afternoon making a poster that said “YOU’RE tearin’ up MY heart Justin!” instead of finishing my social studies homework. They made me throw it out when I got there. But it was worth it. Sigh. Music is so worth it.
Glenn: Music can be worth it, but not always. I did have a great time at Coachella, but I just as easily could have been trampled to death during the Turtles tribute or overdose during a War on Drugs set. At least one person dies every year at Bonnaroo and I will not lie here and make the claim that sacrificing your life to see Wilco perform Less Than You Think is noble. It is not.
Sure, you might spend $300 at the mall every Saturday but the memories, clothes and novelty penises you get from Spencer’s will last you just as long as watching the new buzz band perform at the smallest stage. The nice thing about the mall is all socioeconomic groups are welcome to patronize; I cannot say the same about festivals. Working class people might check your tickets at the entrance (and let you sneak knives in with a well placed bribe) but you won’t find them inside rocking out to Foster the People. For those of us who walk around wearing white/middle class guilt like a pear of Pumped Up Kicks, a summer music festival is one of the worst places for our increasingly social consciousness. Perhaps this year we should all stay away from Lollapalooza and donate to the United Way instead.
Sarah: While donating to United Way does feel good, an even better and more cathartic sensation is getting lost in the primal beat of Lady Gaga’s Paparazzi. Dancing to music to escape that white/middle class guilt and get in touch with one’s humanity is worth every penny. Especially if you’re doing it in a tank top and face paint. The beauty of all working class people - and CEOs - is that there is SOMEthing they do that is inappropriate for the workplace. On my morning commute I watch other well-groomed office workers herd to their desks wearing black suit jackets and crisp collared shirts. I wonder, “What’s your wild side like? Did you buy a Lollapalooza 3-day pass? Do you have an acid tab waiting on your nightstand for that special summer festival you attend once a year to forget your job and remember your youth?” I hope to gosh these people have something that they do that lets them escape the mundane routine of sleep-work-tv-sleep. Summer Festivals are magical events where we get down, dirty, and primal. And I bet the ticket takers get free day passes or t-shirts or something. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to see if hoola-hoops are on sale at Target.My Interview with Delbert Elvis (An Internet Sex Worker)
By Jake and Delbert Elvis
delbertoin5241: hey there cutie...im 19 and i just turned my cam on! i love being naughty! goto http://twurl.nl/0ka23n
jakexmerch: how naughty are we talking? staying up past bed time or murder in cold blood?
Delbert Elvis: my pussy hurts... it needs to be licked... lolz
jakexmerch: why does it hurt? bee stings?
Delbert Elvis: have we talked before??
jakexmerch: i do not believe so.
Delbert Elvis: Your not the wierdo I had to block earlier right? lol
jakexmerch: No, you messaged me. I'm just a weirdo you haven't blocked yet.
Delbert Elvis: Good because my pussy is hot and I feel like Im about to bust...
jakexmerch: If your pussy is hot and hurts you might have some serious gynecological problems. I would see a doctor if I were you.
Delbert Elvis: Have you ever seen a pussy bust full of juices or felt it bust on your face??
jakexmerch: Sure, but "bust" is such a harsh word, don't you think? Even "explode" sounds less blunt and more elegant.
Delbert Elvis: Well I loooove to deepthroat and FuCk!!!
jakexmerch: What is your favorite movie?
Delbert Elvis: Do you like to fuck??
jakexmerch: Of course! I am a human being and sexual pleasure is quite enjoyable to me. Do you like to read books? What is your favorite novel?
Delbert Elvis: I dont think Ive actually never had a man make me came b4..think you can make me cum??
jakexmerch: Not over an internet connection. Do you like horses? Do any horse riding?
Delbert Elvis: I live alone..lets have some fun??
jakexmerch: Do you rent or own?
Delbert Elvis: I can turn on my cam so u can see what I look like... k ?
jakexmerch: That's okay, i'm just enjoying this enthralling conversation.
Delbert Elvis: http://twurl.nl/qjiq24 click that then click the join free button on the top of my page there...
jakexmerch: I'm sorry, I'm not in a sexy mood. I just found out that the factory I work at is closing. I'm really worried about finding work in this time of economic uncertainty.
Delbert Elvis: I use this site bc I dont want to risk being recorded... nothing personal just have to be safe... plus i have to make sure u are an adult b4 i show u my pussy squirting... k?
jakexmerch: I understand. You wouldn't want to show a child a squirting pussy.
Delbert Elvis: its a free site when u go thru my page bc ive been a premium member there for a long time..... so hurry... im ready to squirt!!
jakexmerch: Hey, I'm not going to stand in your way of squirting, both metaphorically and figuratively.
Delbert Elvis: u in yet???
jakexmerch: I'm sorry, I cannot go to your squirting video page today. I hope you squirt very thoroughly nevertheless. Enjoy your squirting!
Delbert Elvis: just let me know when u are in... im ready to do this
delbertoin5241: hey there cutie...im 19 and i just turned my cam on! i love being naughty! goto http://twurl.nl/0ka23n
jakexmerch: how naughty are we talking? staying up past bed time or murder in cold blood?
Delbert Elvis: my pussy hurts... it needs to be licked... lolz
jakexmerch: why does it hurt? bee stings?
Delbert Elvis: have we talked before??
jakexmerch: i do not believe so.
Delbert Elvis: Your not the wierdo I had to block earlier right? lol
jakexmerch: No, you messaged me. I'm just a weirdo you haven't blocked yet.
Delbert Elvis: Good because my pussy is hot and I feel like Im about to bust...
jakexmerch: If your pussy is hot and hurts you might have some serious gynecological problems. I would see a doctor if I were you.
Delbert Elvis: Have you ever seen a pussy bust full of juices or felt it bust on your face??
jakexmerch: Sure, but "bust" is such a harsh word, don't you think? Even "explode" sounds less blunt and more elegant.
Delbert Elvis: Well I loooove to deepthroat and FuCk!!!
jakexmerch: What is your favorite movie?
Delbert Elvis: Do you like to fuck??
jakexmerch: Of course! I am a human being and sexual pleasure is quite enjoyable to me. Do you like to read books? What is your favorite novel?
Delbert Elvis: I dont think Ive actually never had a man make me came b4..think you can make me cum??
jakexmerch: Not over an internet connection. Do you like horses? Do any horse riding?
Delbert Elvis: I live alone..lets have some fun??
jakexmerch: Do you rent or own?
Delbert Elvis: I can turn on my cam so u can see what I look like... k ?
jakexmerch: That's okay, i'm just enjoying this enthralling conversation.
Delbert Elvis: http://twurl.nl/qjiq24 click that then click the join free button on the top of my page there...
jakexmerch: I'm sorry, I'm not in a sexy mood. I just found out that the factory I work at is closing. I'm really worried about finding work in this time of economic uncertainty.
Delbert Elvis: I use this site bc I dont want to risk being recorded... nothing personal just have to be safe... plus i have to make sure u are an adult b4 i show u my pussy squirting... k?
jakexmerch: I understand. You wouldn't want to show a child a squirting pussy.
Delbert Elvis: its a free site when u go thru my page bc ive been a premium member there for a long time..... so hurry... im ready to squirt!!
jakexmerch: Hey, I'm not going to stand in your way of squirting, both metaphorically and figuratively.
Delbert Elvis: u in yet???
jakexmerch: I'm sorry, I cannot go to your squirting video page today. I hope you squirt very thoroughly nevertheless. Enjoy your squirting!
Delbert Elvis: just let me know when u are in... im ready to do this
What are these emails?
By Glenn
Ever since I got my first email account in 2009, I have received literally hundreds of emails: some personal, some professional and some just plain weird. Two of the weirdest ones came in the past week. One went to my spam filter and one went to my inbox but they both caused hours of anguish, trying to understand what they mean and what denomination of Satanism I should join.
Email 1: Modern American Currency
At first glance, you might think "oh just another racist email about Obama!" But upon thoughtful reflection, you remember that in Obama's America calling something/someone racist is worse than actual racism. So if it's not racist, what is it? I was not BCC'ed on this email - it was sent directly to me and only me.
I visited braunclear.info for more information and found nothing but a pure white (of course) screen staring back at me. So I did a whois search on this website.
View Larger Map
Email 2: OUR DEMOCRACY MURDERED
If you watch the video (and I don't recommend it) you will find out that these young people have created a website MurderSolved.Net to encourage us all to solve the outstanding murders in our community. They are focusing on the death of the middle class and they use the passage of the Gramm–Leach–Bliley Act as the cause. It's hard to take issue with any story that paints this legislation as the villain. It allowed banking, securities and insurance companies to merge, which in turn led to the financial crisis/collapse/awakening of 2007-2008. Very perceptive, Dr Wignall's two sociology classes at Mohave Community College - Lake Havasu City, AZ Campus! If only your video didn't look like a Zeitgeist-style Illuminati hit piece.
Now the question - why did Shannon Giles (the female featured in the video) email me? Did she know I majored in Sociology? Did she rightly assume I would appreciate a community college video highlighting the repeal of Glass-Steagall? Does she think I am a murderer? I want to know these answers! And I want to know why the youtube account of this so-called "Dr. Wignall" decided to mass reply to everyone who commented on the video?
Ultimately none of these questions can be answered, but thank you for your support - can you think of any cool ways to pass this article on to others?
Ever since I got my first email account in 2009, I have received literally hundreds of emails: some personal, some professional and some just plain weird. Two of the weirdest ones came in the past week. One went to my spam filter and one went to my inbox but they both caused hours of anguish, trying to understand what they mean and what denomination of Satanism I should join.
Email 1: Modern American Currency
At first glance, you might think "oh just another racist email about Obama!" But upon thoughtful reflection, you remember that in Obama's America calling something/someone racist is worse than actual racism. So if it's not racist, what is it? I was not BCC'ed on this email - it was sent directly to me and only me.
I visited braunclear.info for more information and found nothing but a pure white (of course) screen staring back at me. So I did a whois search on this website.
Created earlier this month using GoDaddy, this "Ionel Adrian" character sounds like a mysterious villain from the old Amazing Fantasy comic series I recently sold for three dollars at a garage sale. He lives in Alexandria, Romania and has a phone number, just like you or me. I cannot find his actual house on Google Maps, but below is a view of his town including a train stop he takes every morning to his job in a nondescript office building. Keep up the good work Ionel, and I hope the 72 other domains you own also feature jokes based on US Presidents. Looking forward to some Zachary Taylor jokes sent personally to me in the very near future.Domain ID:D46349063-LRMS
Domain Name:BRAUNCLEAR.INFO
Created On:07-May-2012 10:53:20 UTC
Last Updated On:07-May-2012 10:59:38 UTC
Expiration Date:07-May-2013 10:53:20 UTC
Sponsoring Registrar:GoDaddy.com LLC (R171-LRMS)
Registrant ID:CR112160542
Registrant Name:Ionel Adrian
Registrant Organization:
Registrant Street1:Bd. Berzei, ap3-A
Registrant City:Alexandria
Registrant State/Province:Alexandria
Registrant Postal Code:013796
Registrant Country:RO
Registrant Phone:+7.36512789
View Larger Map
Email 2: OUR DEMOCRACY MURDERED
If you watch the video (and I don't recommend it) you will find out that these young people have created a website MurderSolved.Net to encourage us all to solve the outstanding murders in our community. They are focusing on the death of the middle class and they use the passage of the Gramm–Leach–Bliley Act as the cause. It's hard to take issue with any story that paints this legislation as the villain. It allowed banking, securities and insurance companies to merge, which in turn led to the financial crisis/collapse/awakening of 2007-2008. Very perceptive, Dr Wignall's two sociology classes at Mohave Community College - Lake Havasu City, AZ Campus! If only your video didn't look like a Zeitgeist-style Illuminati hit piece.
Now the question - why did Shannon Giles (the female featured in the video) email me? Did she know I majored in Sociology? Did she rightly assume I would appreciate a community college video highlighting the repeal of Glass-Steagall? Does she think I am a murderer? I want to know these answers! And I want to know why the youtube account of this so-called "Dr. Wignall" decided to mass reply to everyone who commented on the video?
Ultimately none of these questions can be answered, but thank you for your support - can you think of any cool ways to pass this article on to others?
Your Reality Feeds My Narcissism
By Ali
It’s a beautiful day, to talk about myself! As I go on-and on about the time in a college course, and a girl sitting behind me refuses to let me contribute to discussions without her having a couple cents, amounting to seventeen dollars and some change, of self recognition, you roll your eyes thinking, “why did I ask her to be my friend...”
You see, the thing is, I love that Nirvana song, when Curt warbles “I love myself better than you.” I always think, if you met me, you would love me equally, or more than I love myself at that moment, but as soon as you leave my presence, I love myself while thinking about how impressive I was to your life. What a blessing it is to be me. The phonies hate those who got it all figured out, with an impressive resume loaded with great references of those who liked me, because I loved myself so much at all the various volunteer locations.
Because, y’all, money isn’t everything. I once saw a man with no teeth and a couple metal detectors looking for change at an abandoned playground. Upon meeting him, I started to explain my goal of assessing the playground for a Facility Management Course, and he swiftly responded via hand gestures, No ears, No mouth. He was clearly more insane than I am, and I marveled at that fact. How did he get so many metal detectors? Could I buy one from him for 5 bucks? I bet I could make a better turn out than he could. Most impressive, he had a jar filled with Windex, sanitizing his found treasures. I smiled for a goodbye, and loved myself for doing it.
I recently saw a two dollar bill, and my friend was trying to find the spider in the web, like it is on the dollar bill as well, and I just let him sit there staring at currency thinking, “my goodness, I need so much more than this in my day.” His reality was really bumming me out.
Self respect is a necessary aspect to any job. As I am currently a waitress, I get a lot of guff from weirdos trying to disrespect me and my temporary daily chores while working like a dog. If you feel the need to tell me, “We’re going to throw away four pizzas when we get home” and I say, Whaaaat? How could you? And you respond,”oh nothing you don’t get it at all”, and your pink-ball cap wearing wife throws her head back and laughs like a jackal. That’s cool dude, but you forgot one thing, I don’t give a shit if you drive a Lexus because I knew a guy who threw a cup of urine through a Lexus’ sunroof at the mall, and I hope it was yours.
Overall, I think you get my point. If not, I will spoon feed it to you. My world is better when you talk about your stuff because your eye contact reminds me that I am being given attention. I wonder where I put my iPod so I can upload all of my songs onto my iphone.
I, I, I ,I, I, You? Wait…me me me me me me me me me me. Yes. I did.
It’s a beautiful day, to talk about myself! As I go on-and on about the time in a college course, and a girl sitting behind me refuses to let me contribute to discussions without her having a couple cents, amounting to seventeen dollars and some change, of self recognition, you roll your eyes thinking, “why did I ask her to be my friend...”
You see, the thing is, I love that Nirvana song, when Curt warbles “I love myself better than you.” I always think, if you met me, you would love me equally, or more than I love myself at that moment, but as soon as you leave my presence, I love myself while thinking about how impressive I was to your life. What a blessing it is to be me. The phonies hate those who got it all figured out, with an impressive resume loaded with great references of those who liked me, because I loved myself so much at all the various volunteer locations.
Because, y’all, money isn’t everything. I once saw a man with no teeth and a couple metal detectors looking for change at an abandoned playground. Upon meeting him, I started to explain my goal of assessing the playground for a Facility Management Course, and he swiftly responded via hand gestures, No ears, No mouth. He was clearly more insane than I am, and I marveled at that fact. How did he get so many metal detectors? Could I buy one from him for 5 bucks? I bet I could make a better turn out than he could. Most impressive, he had a jar filled with Windex, sanitizing his found treasures. I smiled for a goodbye, and loved myself for doing it.
I recently saw a two dollar bill, and my friend was trying to find the spider in the web, like it is on the dollar bill as well, and I just let him sit there staring at currency thinking, “my goodness, I need so much more than this in my day.” His reality was really bumming me out.
Self respect is a necessary aspect to any job. As I am currently a waitress, I get a lot of guff from weirdos trying to disrespect me and my temporary daily chores while working like a dog. If you feel the need to tell me, “We’re going to throw away four pizzas when we get home” and I say, Whaaaat? How could you? And you respond,”oh nothing you don’t get it at all”, and your pink-ball cap wearing wife throws her head back and laughs like a jackal. That’s cool dude, but you forgot one thing, I don’t give a shit if you drive a Lexus because I knew a guy who threw a cup of urine through a Lexus’ sunroof at the mall, and I hope it was yours.
Overall, I think you get my point. If not, I will spoon feed it to you. My world is better when you talk about your stuff because your eye contact reminds me that I am being given attention. I wonder where I put my iPod so I can upload all of my songs onto my iphone.
I, I, I ,I, I, You? Wait…me me me me me me me me me me. Yes. I did.
