As you all know, I made some incredibly brave resolutions for 2014, which I announced publicly for the same reason I do anything: a profound desire to be noticed. Since I was the only person to make resolutions last year (and the only person in my peer group to take them seriously), I deserve my own New Years Resolutions article with a review of last year and a complete list of what's in store for 2015.
Stop Checking Facebook so much
I wasn't able to do this on my own so I downloaded an app called SelfControl that helped me control my Facebook consumption along with many other disgusting urges that are an affront to Allah. This was a bad resolution because it's not quantifiable unless you use a different app called RescueTime that tracks your online time. I cannot use that app since my Salafist strain of Islam forbids it.
Verdict: Partially Completed
Switch to Paul or George
Still couldn't do this (Instant Karma is too good) but I did price out copies of the George Harrison boxed set.
Learn Every World Capital
I neglected this until the very end, but over the last few weeks have surged like UN membership to an 88% memorization rate. Ironically those I'm having the most trouble remembering are the countries where I've spent the most time: Solomon Islands, Saint Lucia, Myanmar, et cetera. If we go by the Russian Orthodox calendar I'll have this one complete in time.
Verdict: Mostly Completed
Couldn't do it. Still an Altavista guy and when I'm looking for something published after 1998 I use Duck Duck Go.
Stop Eating Candy or Cookies
Without a doubt the hardest of the resolutions, this was one I'm most proud of completing. Was I tempted? Sure. But this pledge was important: it dealt with a terrible behavior that was killing me and it was the only resolution I could smugly explain repeatedly around food. It also worked because I could still eat other, lesser sweets like fruit snacks, donuts or high fat mint ice cream.
Read 12 books or one book per month, whichever is smaller
I read ten in 2014 (not counting anything from the Discworld series) so this should be doable.
Sell my books
Notice a fucked up book pattern here? My heavy, homeless-esque usage of the library renders most of the books I do own and haven't read worthless to me, but worth anywhere from $2.49 to $10.99 to someone else, once I sell them on Half.com, the #1 site for selling your books online.
Contact my sister’s kids once a month
Part of being an uncle is living far away from your niece and nephew, but unless you want them to permanently view you as some weird version of Uncle Buck they gotta hear from you more often. That way, they'll think o]f you as some weird version of Uncle Jesse. Are there any famous uncles besides those from television and movies?
Maintain a budget on music purchases
I, like David Byrne, hold the crazy belief that people will eventually stop making music if they can't make a career from it. That's why I try to financially support artists and record labels I enjoy by buying instead of stealing music. At the same time, I have at times fallen into that consumer abyss where I attempt to spend my way out of anomie through Wilco boxed sets. This year I will be making a small ($600) monthly budget allowable to be spent on albums in whatever form gives me the most indie cred.
Try stand up comedy
Although you wouldn't know it this article, I actually enjoy humor: both consuming and producing it. Though I'm not funny enough for anyone to flippantly say to me "you should try stand up," I am funny enough to think I could do better than the many unfunny stand-up comedians I've seen. OYIT's Jake's shocking rise to the top of the Midwest Comedy Scene has also inspired me since we wrote our first joke together back in 1997 (referring to a famous celebrity as 'Princess DIE-ana'). Hopefully 2015 will be the year I step onto the stage once to tell the same jokes that made me the hit at all my parents' key parties in the mid-70s.