As you’ve probably noticed from your out of date 2014 commemorative North Korean calendar, the year has changed. With a new year comes new possibilities and new promises to be made to our lord and savior Jesus Christ. The staff here at OYIT have been down this road several times: 2010, 2011, 2011, 2012, 2012 and finally 2014. Unfortunately since the years keep coming so will our resolutions. Read below for a peek at what we pledge to do in the upcoming, final year.
2014 was a real rollercoaster ride of a year for me, as I spent a huge chunk of it fulfilling my previous New Year's resolution of riding every rollercoaster in the contiguous United States. Also, my partner of ten years broke up with me because of my rollercoaster adventures. This year things are going to be a little different.
1. Ride every water slide in the contiguous United States. Wet and wild, yet nice and mild. Exactly what the doctor ordered, which is exactly why I go to a twelve year old doctor.
2. See a movie. This is the year that I find out what all the fuss is about. Comment and tell me what the first movie I ever watch should be.
3. Obey the comedy rule of threes. I need to keep it brief, yet give enough examples to flesh out my point. The experts (Richard Lewis, Jeff Foxworthy, Louie Anderson) all say that three is the funniest number. Who am I to argue with legends? Nobody. I’m just a piece of shit, obviously. So I will just do what my heroes do.
4. Never lie to strangers. I may end up married to them now that I am single, and I do not want to start off a relationship with a lie.
5. Find out if men are different from women. This is important. I do stand-up comedy and “Men are Different from Women” is the thesis of that medium.
Ch-ch-ch-changes. That can sum up my 2014 in a nutshell. I overcame that speech impediment and I finally found a decent change jar. And boy! that change does add up quickly! I’d like to continue the momentum of this kind of success in 2015.
1. Save up enough money to change my boyfriend to one who buys me presents.2. Move out of my nutshell and into a studio apartment. Time to live like an adult.
3. Save up those pennies and take a damn vacation. Thailand is nice this time of year.
4. Quit trying to save money and just get a job that pays better.
5. Ask Jake if he ever did find that rollercoaster of love and see if I can’t find a suitable partner and get married. I’m tired of blaming my life mistakes on myself. In 2015, I’m going to love myself and find a handsome partner to blame for my mistakes and unaccomplishments.
Oh… I didn’t see you there… What’s up? Oh not much is new with me, just sitting here thinking about 2014, which was a pretty bad year. What do you say we resolve to make the world a little better? Here’s what I’m going to do:
1. Finally settle down and get married. I think it’s time I found someone to spend the rest of my life with, no matter how short and miserable it is. I’m slouching into my late thirties, and honestly, life isn’t really worth living, decrepit and alone with my many supercomputers. Why not share my supercomputers with someone I love and can constantly argue with? Hopefully Jan from the Toyota commercials reads this...
2. Renew my passport and maybe go somewhere cool. I’ve only been putting it off for like seven or eight years. Honestly I’m probably not going to do this.
3. Get the assholes at Panera to quit calling me “The Big Bitch Who Likes Soup.” I told them it was my name ONE TIME like four years ago and they won’t stop.
4. Gain, like, 30,000 pounds. I think this is possible.
5. Maybe go “online” and “be a dickhead” to “strangers?”
6. Get divorced. This is kind of contingent on #1, but literally everyone I know got divorced in 2014 - even people who weren’t married or hadn’t been born yet. I’d like to think it’s my fault, so I will. It’s high time I try this for myself.
7. Continue the slow, inexorable creep towards the fate that awaits all mortal beings (eating alone at Applebee’s).
8. Finally learn to read. This may be pushing it, but I can dream, right?
9. Get my teeth replaced with extremely sharp shards of glass that I can use to intimidate my many powerful enemies, such as those asshole Panera employees, my future ex-wife/-wives and/or ex-husband(s).
10. I’m going to start carrying a sword around all the time. Why not.
11. Suicide by cop.
11. Suicide by cop.
Well, that’s it. If I’m not doing those things in the new year, I’ll be silently staring at a plain white wall while an unseen clock loudly ticks off the wasted seconds and I slowly rot from the inside. All in all, it looks like 2015 is going to be great! Let’s meet back here in a year to discuss our divorces!