The Meaning Of Life, To Me, Tonight

By Bub


Life’s meaning is relative to whatever and whoever you are. That is because life is inherently meaningless. Please don’t take that as nihilistic or cynical. The fact is that it just objectively has no inherent meaning. That’s OK though because we project meaning onto our own existence, because that is all we can do. We exist. And we have to justify to ourselves why we continue to exist everyday instead of not existing. Sometimes it is a very hard endeavor. But most days it does not enter into the equation. The following is an inexhaustive list of the meaning of life to me:

Watching the Thursday night line up on NBC, save ‘Whitney’

Checking Facebook to see what people have thought enough of me to make an interaction

Picking up my daughter from kindergarten and trying to make her laugh before we get home by suggesting that for show and tell she take a roll of toilet paper, and share with each classmate, one sheet

Checking in with my grandmother to assure her that I am still alive

Looking at exotic places on Google maps and concocting bizarre schemes of how I’d drive there

Buying a sack of 20 limes from the Mexican supermarket on my street for one dollar and feeling like I’ve won the lottery

Reading comedy that my friends write

Studying law and thinking how the accepted principles can be changed for the better

Watching Judge Judy and better understanding my follies than I would through studying law…

Watching Redtube whenever no one else is here

Eating the Indonesian instant noodles that I paid thirty cents for in Chicago by the Aragon Ballroom and feeling like I saved 8 dollars.

Throwing away the scraps of my daughter’s ‘projects’

Watching my daughter sleep and reflecting on how I can be a better parent

Re-reading Chekov or ‘Cruel Shoes’ when I should be doing my assigned school readings

Meeting an incredibly beautiful person I know I have no chance with

Realizing that everything is and always has been and always will be OK

Pissing a human in a car off for breaking for a squirrel

Trying to remember my ‘native’ Romanichal phrases for everyday expressions

Drinking Clover Valley diet soda

Helping friends whenever possible

Driving while listening to Earwolf podcasts

Listening to Bob Dylan and feeling morose

Smiling at everyone I have the strength to smile at

Beating my daughter mercilessly at Wii Mario Kart

Trying to love everything about this godforsaken world

Writing this

Falling asleep watching The Simpsons on dvd

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KIND ATTENTION (Partnership Request Follow-Up [SB Vol. 4])

By Bub

MR.Patrick K. W. Chan
(Executive Director & Chief financial Officer)
Hang Seng Bank Limited
83 Des Voeux Road, Central
Hong Kong SAR


FOR YOUR ATTENTION

It is understandable that you might be a little bit apprehensive because you do
not know me but I have a lucrative business proposal of mutual interest to
someone who suits my proposed business relationship.


I am Mr. Patrick K. W. Chan Executive Director & Chief financial Officer of
Hang Seng Bank Ltd. I have anobscured business suggestion for you. I will need
you to assist me in executing a business project from Hong Kong to your
country. It involves the transfer of alarge sum of money.

Everything concerning this transaction shall be legally done without
hitch.Please endeavour to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning
this issue.

Once the funds have been successfully transferred into your account, we shall
share in the ratio to be agreed by both of us I will prefer you reach me on my
private email address below (mailtochan09@aol.com) and finally after
that I shall furnish you with more information?? about this operation.Please if
you are not interested delete this email and do not hunt me because I am
putting my career and the life of my family at stake with this venture.
Although nothing ventured is nothing gained.

Your earliest response to this letter will be appreciated.
Best Regards,

Mr. Patrick Chan
mailtochan09@aol.com
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Focus on the Family (No Longer)
Thursday, September 24, 2009 10:40 PM

To: mailtochan09@aol.com

Dear Patrick Seng,

I am glad to hear from you. I was tired of reading emails form Mr. Hong Acia and his disbarred lawyer. Not only did they not Fed Ex me the box full of money they promised, but the lawyer turned States evidence against me at my arraignment. Luckily he only knew about the orphans and my vats of quick-lime never came into it. Nevertheless I have come to expect a certain level of professionalism from the Hang Seng Bank LTD, and I do not feel like I have received it lately. But that is in the past now, the Executive Director is communicating directly with me, asking me not to hunt him while the militia under his command is quite infamous in some 'peculiar game' hunting circles. But that's fine, I wont. As far as I can tell most of you Asians aint even yellow - they're as white as any New Yorker. So you can count on my militia not to engage your militia unless its over some federal government issue. But as far as I can tell you are out to subvert those commies as well as I am and I commend you for it.

You are right to risk your family. No successful man of this century has achieved greatness without throwing his family under the proverbial bus. Families are a Communist institution created to force people engaged in family units into a sense of false complacency, allowing totalitarian dictators to exploit them in front of their own eyes without them even knowing it. Unless of course gays are allowed to have families too which brings down the whole facade and leaves everyone unoppressed, anti-communist and confused.

We are both freedom loving people, you and I, Mr. Seng. I love the freedom that grants me the right to falsely claim the inheritance of a tragically killed Saudi Prince. Heck, I take that freedom for granted. Which is why I am a little frustrated that I haven't received any payments yet. You mentioned your family. I feel I am a part of it. And with that goes the danger of becoming human sport for some rogue investor you (and, I, vicariously) have spurned through banking schemes. That is why we need to reinvent our operation.

I ran this by your counsel, and he didn't have the guts to respond. Instead of wiring that huge sum of Saudi money to the States, lets send it via rat couriers to Yemen where we will start a pro-capitalist freedom militia that will scam the government there out of possibly hundreds of dollars. We take those profits and invest them in a Yemeni novelty heart manufacturing firm. I have reports on the top five there from my novelty-heart business consultant Pigeon Paul. At least three of them are heavily wedded with Barack Obama and/or Harpo Studios. This is a can't miss. We will then funnel those profits into anti-family propaganda and property expansion of your existing bank branches. Let me know your thoughts, and as a token of good faith please send me my cut of $700 in advance. I don't own a bank account so just send it to the United Way and I will go to my local office and demand the $700 in cash. I will take this seed money and charter one of those Russian flights that escape the atmosphere into outer-space where I will try and steal technologies of all sorts (novelty-heart manufacturing, money-launching, anti-family, etc.) from Chinese satellites. They'll never see it coming.

From God's Eye,
Bub

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Partnership Request (SB Vol. 3)

By Bub
PARTNERSHIP REQUEST
Tuesday, September 22, 2009 6:32 AM
From:
"false"
To:
undisclosed-recipients

Hang Seng Bank Ltd,
Yau Tsim Mong Branch,
One Grand Tower G/F,
639 Nathan Road
Kowloon West, Hong Kong Island
Website; www.hangseng.com.hk

Dear Friend,

I am Mr. Hong Achai credit officer of the Hang Seng Bank Ltd. I have an urgent and very confidential business proposition for you.

I honestly apologize and hope I do not cause you much embarrassment by contacting you through this means for a transaction of this magnitude, but this is due to confidentiality and prompt access reposed on this medium, sorry my English is not very good. Furthermore, due to this issue on my hands now, it became necessary for me to seek your assistance, and it is imperative for me to know your opinion.

Five years ago, a Saudi Arabian Oil Consultant/Contractor with the Chinese Petroleum and Chemical corporation Mr. Al-Rahman Al Saud made a numbered time(Fixed) Deposit for twelve calendar months, valued at US$13,000,000.00 (Thirteen Million United State Dollars only) in my branch. Upon maturity, I sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a month, we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract employers, the Hong Kong Petroleum and Chemical Corporation that Mr. Al-Rahman Al Saud died from an automobile accident.

On further investigation, I found out that he died without making a WILL and all attempts to trace his next of kin were fruitless.

I therefore made further investigation and discovered that Mr.-Rahman Al Saud did not declare any kin or relations in all his official documents, including his Bank Deposit paperwork in my Bank. This sum of US$13,000,000.00 (Thirteen Million United State Dollars only) is still sitting in my Bank and the interest is being rolled over with the principal sum at the end of each year. No one will ever come forward to claim it. According to Laws of Hong Kong, at the expiration of 5 (five) years, the money will revert to the ownership of the Hong Kong Government if nobody applies to claim the fund.

Consequently, my proposal is that I will like you as a foreigner to stand in as the next of kin to Mr. Al-Rahman Al Saud so that the fruits of this old man's labor will not get into the hands of some corrupt government officials.

This is simple, I will like you to provide immediately your full names and address so that the attorney will prepare the necessary documents and affidavits that will put you in place as the next of kin.

We shall employ the services of an attorney for drafting and notarization of the WILL and to obtain the necessary documents and letter of probate/administration in your favor for the transfer. The money will be paid into your account for us to share in the ratio of 50% for me and 40% for you and 10% for Expenses Incurred in the course of the transaction.

There is no risk at all as all the paperwork for this transaction will be done by the attorney and with my position as the credit officer guarantees the successful execution of this transaction.

Upon your response, I shall then provide you with more details and relevant documents that will help you understand the transaction. Please send me your confidential telephone and fax numbers for easy communication.

You should observe utmost confidentiality, and rest assured that this transaction would be most profitable for both of us because I shall require your assistance to invest my share in your country.

Awaiting your urgent reply.
Thanks and regards.
Mr. Hong Achai
N.B; for security reason, please reply to my confidential email address; admin@trailblazercommltd.com

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Money Please
Tuesday, September 22, 2009 2:26 PM
To: admin@trailblazercommltd.com

Mr. Hong Acai,

I apologize, my Chinese is not very good. But let me try to express my thoughts in a concise and dirigible manner. I have only one phone. Upon its ringing I will speak with you in a manner relating to business transactions. Please contact me regarding Prince Saud's bodily remains. I feel so unfortunate that he lays alone in the desert with only the cries of the wolves and the judgment of the sun. I apologize my metaphors are not very good either. I am gracious to your extending a helping grab to the family of the Prince and humbling to have been honored to become your newest business executive.

My first order of business is to negotiate the 10% rate for incurred expensives. I don't think 10% is too expensive at all. I think it is a fair sum. Especially considering you are willing to pay me 40% of the total amounting to $700.00 (United States Money of Bank) for my minimal role in the transaction. Again, Mr. Hong you are far too generous a person and that ungrateful Prince should have known better than to cheat your business deal by driving in a car incorrectly, but I digress. The sum of 10% is more than customary at American Banks and with American businesses like Western Union, so in my thoughts it will cover all expenses and not prove to be exceedingly costly.

Second, I would like to speak with your attorney about a personal legal matter. Under our corporate structure he is now my employee as well, and I have a pending matter that would be in all of our interests to have resolved before I am able to transact monies in front of the government. For security reasons I am only allowed to write that my legal problem involves too many orphans in one car. Like you Mr. Hong I am a generous man and I have taken in many orphaned children on promise of financial return. This has been to no avail however and the car was discovered by a team of expert divers. They told me I exceeded the maximum legal limit, and I want our attorney to explain to them that they are orphans and therefore not subject to binding international agreements - unlike our business arrangement!

Mr. Hong, on a personal level it is a fine thing to help so many Saudis and Americans like myself. You must be a man of luxuriosity with a heart made of gold or some other like metal. Speaking of which, I know a man down my block who is working on the manufacture of novelty hearts out of plastics, he is currently assembling the hearts clandestinely in various yards, but he mentioned to me last week that he was considering renting out an office and going legit with a secretary and everything - this could be ideal for the investment opportunity you are looking for. Perhaps our American subsidiary branch could partner with his him and share that office space. In America we call this concept 'synergy'. But we will discuss that at our next Board Meeting. I am so so grateful for your generosity and look forward to opening my bank account and finding that extra $700, just as soon as I am cleared of the federal charges I am facing.

All Yours,
- Bub

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Spencer's Product Review: Jumbo Afro Wig

By Gary



The Hilarious Jumbo Afro Wig

One of Spencer's Gift top sellers in the "Humor and Fun" section of the website

http://www.spencersonline.com/product/Jumbo-Afro-Wig/


Website Product information

Right on, Right on! Strut your funky stuff in this Jumbo Afro wig! Goes great with any gag costume. Available in black or brown.

This product is so dead-on funny that it will make people say, "Right on!" not once but twice. No longer be shy when attempting to strut your funky stuff.

Pros

• It's comes in a wonderful array of colors (brown and black).
  
  
• Its Jumbo.
  
  
• It goes with any gag costume. It's a gag accessory to any gag outfit.
  

Cons

• Perhaps, not jumbo enough?
  
  
• Hard to make a choice with so many colors.
  
  
• Guy in the picture is really goofy... Wig does not do all the work for you.
  
  
• You have to buy a separate Afro wig for your non-gag costume.
  

All in all this is a fine product for a fine price: $14.95 (plus shipping). Jumbo is a very subjective word, and while I find the size of the afro to be at least adequate, some may find it to be not as jumbo as the product model's face leads one to believe.

3 out of 5 Right-ons

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