How Many Babies?

By Bub

How many babies?
I thought there were four,
but they were just pumpkins.
I had wondered what they were doing on that porch all alone after dark

How many babies?
A box full -
shipped by Amazon to your doorstep

How many babies?
There are a dozen.
They come with cheese sauce & marinara,
and a 2-liter of Pepsi

How many babies?
About a million, I guess.
I don't know… Who are you?
The baby police?!

How many babies?
Oh, I see...
You are the baby police.
I'm going to need to speak with an attorney

How many babies?
It is impossible to tell.
According to the C.D.C.,
new strains are mutating daily,
perhaps quicker

How many babies?
One, up there, in that corner above the door!
Don’t turn the light on,
you’ll antagonize it.
I’m afraid

How many babies?
Too many to keep track of…
Don’t worry, they’re friendly.
They’ll wander back here, eventually

How many babies?
200-300 in column formation;
bayonets tucked into their diapers;
grenades in their toothless mouths

How many babies?
More than you'll ever know.
As many as there has ever been -
four, real quiet, pumpkin-shaped babies.
I wonder what they’re doing on that porch all alone after dark

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An Animated Gif To Consider

By Glenn

Though you wouldn't know it from how I conduct myself in a casual/social environment, my professional job involves animated gifs. A technology start-up based in Miami hired me a few weeks ago to find the best and newest "viral" animated gifs on the internet.  We package a few really good ones with a lot of very terrible ones and sell them off again to organizations across the world after they've been given a triple-A rating.  It's like what happened in the financial catastrophe of 2007-2008 but instead of home loans it's gifs of cats, dogs, children, people farting, people falling down, people transitioning into a new gender, someone making a funny face, and bird attacks.  Take a look at the best one I found today:

Why I like this animated gif is the same reason anyone likes watching animals or children abused: you're a future serial killer or you believe in the inherent evil of man/beast.  If all babies and kittens are born as imperfect creatures modeled on an imperfect god, there is something satisfying about watching them punished.  How does this gif make you feel?  Does it make you want to have more children than you currently have?  Does it make you wish to have more cats than you currently have?  Can they coexist together?

I have been this upset at a cat before.  Once when I was a child our family cat clawed up our curtains and another time it drove our family car into one of those portals from Sliders and ended up in another dimension.  Thankfully it was able to slide back after a few months and we hadn't needed to drive anywhere in that time period.  It was still a thoughtless thing to do and I wanted to hit our cat for doing it. But violence only begets more violence.  No one deserves to be hit and when you start carving out reasons why people do you'll only end up hurting someone you love with physical violence.

At the same time this gif also demonstrates the bravery of standing up for yourself.  Attacked in an unprovoked manner, this cat decides to reject the culture of victimhood and instead strike back - showing the baby that there are repercussions for your actions.  With parenting at an all time low, children are sometimes not being taught lessons that if you commit some bad action (hitting, slapping, mortgage fraud) there will be a bad result.  Freud and Erikson always warned that if parents failed to help children grow and reach the next stages of their life cats and cat-like creatures would step in and do so.  I guess they were right.

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One Year In Texas Talk 8-26-10

By Nate



One Year In Texas Talk is an answering machine we have set up to our OYIT hotline. Please call in and leave an anonymous message. If we deem it worthy, it will show up in this weekly piece. Tell us what's on your mind. It doesn't even have to pertain to the website!

The answer to world peace is smiling kids pictures

Yes, I wanted to call about the little kid's pictures in the paper. There are people who have called in to my paper saying they do not like the kid's pictures. I think having those pictures is great, I hope they continue to print the pictures of the little kids. With all the things that are wrong with the world today, I think that everybody should be happy to see little kid's pictures in their newspaper. So keep the little kid's pictures in the paper. Thank you.

Everybody wants on the No Call List, but not the No Fly List.

I am so glad this primary election is over with. I got so disgusted with phone calls from all the politicians callings. I am on a "No Call" list. Why are politicians allowed to call? Keep putting children's pictures in the newspaper. What better could be in our newspaper than those smiling children? Thank you.

This is America; print the Koran in English!"

Is the inclusion of the mosque across the street from where 9/11 occurred Freedom of Religion in America, or is it the subjugation by another religion of American principles? Sharia Law, footwashers, prayer rugs, separate gym facilities for female and male Muslim students. The list goes on here in America, and Muslims have been at least 120 years, in their words, why haven't we heard about all of these problems they are having within society now or before? Sadly, I truthfully, I believe it is subjugation of their will which is their actual plan. Get an English Koran and find out for yourself. You will be surprised, terribly surprised.

What's Love got to do with it?

With the ruling of the California court, striking down the rights of heterosexual couples to marry one man, one woman, it is now time for those marrying multiple has happened a lot in Utah and all of these other organizations like NAMBLA and everybody else to rush forward and make sure that their deviant lifestyles are protected under the law, just opened the floodgate of the gravity and make sure that everyone can sleep with elephants, dogs, wolves, lambs, and Mongrelize marriage because as the gays and lesbians are not truthful about their reasons for wanting to marry, it is nothing about equality, it is about power and money for corporations, insurance companies, and yes, even the federal government and Social Security Administration, to pay out huge insurance claims, moneys for spousal rights under Social Security. It has nothing to do about love or society's need for two different parents raising children, but then again, who says you have to be truthful when it comes to marriage?

Put me behind the gun!

As a past American veteran, I will say this. I will make it short. That PFC that gave away all of those classified documents should be put up against the wall and shot. As least his death wold be quicker than those put under the gun - his brothers, civilians - people such as that who work honorably with America, so yes, put me behind the gun, I will put him out of his misery faster and more humanely than he will be doing to his brothers in arms, and yes, I believe that anyone else found doing the leaks, including the Wikileaks person needs to be put up against the wall as an example so it will never, never happen again. They forget we are at war and they should go back and use the war powers act to kill a few of these lying, thieving brothers.

Welcome to Obama's childless America

Yeah, I was wondering what we're gonna do about the population in this country. It's getting out of control. How are we gonna keep paying for all these government handouts as the country gets bigger? We don't have room. We don'at have the resources. And China and India are gonna take us over by sheer numbers! If we can't maintain our population, then we can't defeat them. We need to get this country down to 1950's levels. Kick out all the immigrants. Kick out all the welfare babies and anchor babies. If you can;t care for them yourself, they're out. We need to kick out all the Mormons and their multiple wives and multiple children practices. When is it going to stop, people?

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