Showing posts with label Fish puns. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fish puns. Show all posts

New Mailbag

By Glenn and Jake 

We're back with another mailbag. These are our responses to letters you've sent in about topics as varied as Aerosmith and recidivism. Plus famous director Cameron Crowe wrote in this week! If you have any questions or very implicit death threats, please email us at mailbag@oneyearintexas.com.

Hey Website,
I spend a lot of my time on the internet, and out of all of the website that I’ve seen on it, yours is the only one that I has made me cry. Maybe I’m over-emotional, but I have have never cried at a funeral or during an anime movie. I cry at your website because you only post three articles a week and you used to post 14. When you posted 14 I cried because a lot of them were awful. Can you answer this question for me: am I a cry baby or is your website a real tear jerker and are you guys a bunch of tear jerks?

Still Sobbing,
Robert


Dear Robert,
Thanks for writing in. There’s nothing wrong with crying. In fact I often find myself crying from art but never because of anything in my life. This is due to the same emotional numbness we try to foster in all our readers. Clearly it hasn’t worked with you. Excuse us for not posting 14 articles a week anymore. That’s like criticizing JD Salinger for not writing a novel for the last twenty years of his life.

Good Morning,
REMemeber that? You Udes to wihs us good morning s all the tyme. That was niced because i live alnoe and nobdy wishes me good morning. R U going to do that agin? I lked it.
-beeffart@earthlink.net

We were going to start the feature again on Monday but now will not. However I am interested in perhaps living with you. Do you have a one bedroom or studio? I am willing to pay $2500 a month, not including WebTV subscription. And I will wish you a good morning every day until the day I kill you.

Dear One Year in Texas,

A few questions if you’ll allow me. First what happened to ashlee the young female writer? She helped me find my way into the world of adolescent teendom in a way Skins does not. Second where are the Fish Puns? Imagine me asking that in the same tone as tea party baggers asking “Where is the birth certificate?” of President Obama. Third if the writers of One Year had to collectively name one website their favorite, which would it be?

Thank you,
Felipe


Hello Felipe,
That’s quite a laundry list of questions you have there. Hey, what does laundry list even mean? Do people write down every item of clothing they are washing? Have I been doing laundry incorrectly? Okay, first: ashlee was not a real person. Second: Fish Puns were written by Josh, who Glenn immediately banned from the site because Glenn is unable to come up with a pun. Gary and myself wrote a Fish Puns article once, and it was pretty good, I thought, but it did not even come close to matching the success of the original article. Our favorite website is TMZ or any other great celebrity gossip news website. We love to dish about the stars.

HI!!!!!!!! YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!!!!!!!!! I JUST GOT OUT OF PRISON AND I’M GOING TO COME FIND YOU AND SHOW YOU GUYS HOW MUCH I LOVE READING THIS SHIT WHEN I WAS IN PRISON. GIVE ME YOUR ADDRESSES PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, we are legally not allowed to give out our address on the internet. It is part of the contract we signed we were asked to take over this website. We agreed to the terms. It sounds like you want to murder us, which is further reason to not give you our addresses. We get these kinds of emails all of the time. People hate us and our website. I guess we are just not very likable. It’s probably why we only get 30 pageviews a day.

Hi bros,
I loved when you did Aerosmith week. They are one of my favorite bands of all time. Their song “Living on the Edge” is cool, but it is sort of scary, because it makes me think of falling off of a cliff. I like the song “Pink” although I’m not a big fan of the color. Why don’t you throw me a bone and write another Aerosmith article? You did a whole week based on Jerry Maguire, why not a whole week based on Aerosmith? Even if you just posted their music videography that would still be pretty cool.

Walk This Way,
Jeremy

Thanks Jeremy. There’s been a huge schism amongst the senior staff of OYIT about whether to do an Aerosmith week. Jerry Maguire week was actually our compromise between doing another Aerosmith week and doing one about Ben Hur. Have you tried www.aerosmith.com? They have some of the best Aerosmith fan fiction on the internet. One of them involves eating Donald Trump.

Attention,

Consider this an informal cease and desist order. Quit writing articles about Jerry Maguire or I’ll see you in the court of public opinion.

Sincerely,
Cameron Crowe

Cameron Crowe, your movies are not very good. I saw Vanilla Sky in the theater and feel like you owe me money for the time I wasted watching that dumb ass movie. Jerry Maguire week has been over for weeks. So I guess this order has already worked. We will never mention any of your movies on this website again. We cancelled Elizabethtown week, which we were going to do next week. I doubt anybody would have read the articles anyway.

Judge Judy: Burrows v. Britt


By Bub 

You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheindlin.

The people are real.

The cases are real.

The rulings are final.

This is her courtroom.

This is Judge Judy.

Commercial Fisherman Harry Burrows and his wife Beth are suing their deceased son’s friend 25 year old construction worker Cameron Britt and his mother Judy Britt. The Burrows claim Cameron refuses to pay back a car loan.



"Your Honor this is Case number 37 on the calendar: Burrows v. Britt"

“I met him through a friend of a friend of my deceased son’s,” began the almost grandfatherly drawl of someone more stupid than Southern but unquestioningly both.

Harry wants ‘His Money’ back from his fellow Chesapeake Virginian and one-time vicarious son, Cameron. He continued to attempt to explain the circumstance of the exchange. But he quickly reverted to blubbering incomprehensible noises, as he was used to doing Back Home because someone failed to administer the proper amount of switch lashings in his childhood which had condemned him to a lifetime of drooling mumbled muck in the place that real words should be.

He gnawed at the air trying to paint a deliberate picture of his thoughts, his imagined agreements with the defendant, and the tragedy of his son’s death in spite of not having practiced more deliberation over the past year than deciding on occasion that ‘that dog don’t hunt.’ It is apparent that his subconscious is playing the role of co-conspirator to his ignorance in choking back especially hard on attempts to relay subject matter related to Harry’s emotions; dealing with his son’s loss, his own mortality. It is probable that ignorant fear has led Harry to suppress dealing with both issues, the latter for all his life, and will continue to do so as long as he lives.

Harry wears a fisherman’s version of a Hawaiian shirt. Instead of a Hawaiian vision of paradise; Beach-Sunsets and Palm-Trees, there is Harry’s; an assortment of albacore, blue marlin, striped bass, and swordfish. The finely toned muscles of his cheekbones and around his eye cavities betray a lifetime of sneering with contempt at the Tragedy of the world, and more often than that, sneering at those who empathize with its victims. But it also reveals his habit of protecting his brain from ideas that would challenge the justification for his very existence by squinting his eyes in conversations or at threatening visions, pursing his lips and contracting the auriculares muscles around his ears in an attempt seal off all vulnerable orifices from informational penetration. In addition, it reflects the necessity he once felt to adopt a steely gaze along with many other hardening techniques to survive confinement among brutal children in incarceration during at least one prolonged period throughout his life.

Still, it is obvious that deep sadness, real sadness, pours out when he mentions the death of his son. In his life from that point on, everything automatically has had a mocking contingency to that traumatic event. It is as though a nightmare is stuck inside his head instead of a pop song and it colors every schema he builds around new input. This is what has led us here to today. This is why he is suing his dead son’s friend. And it is why he is doomed to fail - almost. If not for young Cameron’s baffling idiocy, Harry’s case would have probably been dismissed. Such is the awesome perceptiveness of Judge Judy’s rulings. Justice lay not only in outcomes of factually based narratives, but also in the abatement of worldviews, temperaments, and other intellectual-emotional ephemera that lead to injustice.

If Harry is Jim Varney, then Cameron Britt is a pudgy a-musical Justin Timberlake with a lobotomy and Harry’s wife Beth is the Britney Spears in that universe which lobotomized JT would have dumped. She is basically irrelevant so I will let her speak for herself. But Cameron is so hurtfully dumb that despite most of the (inferential) evidence coming down on his side, he fights with Judge Judy over a minor plot point that would have actually supported his case. And J.J. in her real-time wrath remittance sees fit to punish him for his immediate errs rather than reward him for acting impeccably in a situation that is part of a larger skewed reality that has as its fundament illiteracy and smallness.

J.J: Mr. Britt, now I’ll hear from you
Defendant: How You doin’?
J.J.: Excuse me?
Defendant: How’re you doing this morning?
J.J.: That’s not relevant to the case.

An alleged $3,000 was loaned.

Cameron claimed that he worked the loan off by fishing with Harry

Harry claimed that they went on a fishing 'eskurzhun' which apparently is something that you do when you profit from someone's services without having to pay for them.

Not so.

Judgment for the Plaintiff in the amount of $1,250.

That’s all. Parties are excused.

Mailbag Vol. 2 Issue 8

By Jake and Glenn 

It feels like it's been years since the last time we did a mailbag but I would never make that actual argument with a straight face. Like me from 2002-2005, OYIT went through a dry spell recently and the readers's letters slowed as well. Now that we've received enough emails for a mailbag, we respond. In this issue you'll see lonely men and women desperate for human touch, in whatever form it may come. Plus someone asks if we smoke weed for our ideas.

I've been sending emails to you guys for a few weeks now but no one has published them or answered them. Are you getting my emails? How do you guys deal with incoming emails? Do you have a filter? Do my emails automatically go to your fucking trash folder? Have you ever been killed by someone you met on the internet?

Thanks,
Martha

It's been a while since we've done a mail bag. We've been really busy loading the site to the brim with ads. If we can make some money then I can finally afford to move out of my mom's basement. I'm not complaining. I get to drink all the Sprite I want, but it's impossible to get a date. To answer the other part of your question, no I have never been killed by somebody I have met on the internet, but a fortune teller envisioned that I would die that way. Thanks for the letter.

hey fuckheads,
what's up with all these fuckin ads? i mean, give me a fuckin break would you. i get enough ads at my job. i write ads for a radio station. what the--?

Why do you work for a radio station - the one medium even more obsolete and useless than a newspaper? Answer: because you need money. It's the same reason we have advertisements now. I can't give you a break unless you can give Jake a place to move besides the aforementioned basement. If you would be interested in writing some audio ads for us, read by famous Native Americans, please write in again. Otherwise don't write in again and we'd prefer if you listened to OYIT on the radio instead. We have a syndicated show every Sunday morning starting after the New Year where we list the top 40 songs of the week.

I love your website! Whatever happened to Heather and Ingrid? They both seemed like really cool women and I'm into women. I'm a man by the way - you can tell because I capitalize "I." I have a strong sense of self worth and am very aggressive. I'd like to meet the female writers from this website. Please tell me how this can happen.

I'm not sure how you can go about meeting the women who write on this website, but if you did you'd probably be bored with long stories about shopping and how boys don't like them.

I have no idea what has become of Heather. I heard that she witnessed a murder and had to be entered into the witness protection program. Ingrid will be making her return to OYIT as a regular writer to write Good Morning articles on Wednesdays. Maddie is a woman, too, and she'll cyber with you if you email her at maddie@oneyearintetxas.com.

i heard on an internet site that bret hart might be coming back to wrestling to fight vince mcmahon. what are your thoughts on this and will you debate it?

Jesus Christ (no pun intended), what is it going to take to satisfy you wrestling fans? We JUST debated whether or not Linda McMahon would be a good US Senator and I'm pretty sure Jake and Gary once debated which version of the Ultimate Warrior was their favorite. Mine personally was #4 played by John Tenta, but no one asked me. You didn't even ask me. Instead you asked if Bret Hart was coming back to fight Vince McMahon. If someone murdered your brother wouldn't you want to fight them? I know I would and I don't even have a brother. Just the memory of Owen Hart.

where do you get ideas for articles? who would ever thought of wishing people a good morning on a website must have been smoking a ton of weed. do you get your ideas by smoking weed?

This is the question we "most get," and by that I mean two people have asked it. The other is now dead, so what does that tell you about the wisdom of this inquiry? The idea of wishing someone "good morning" is barely even an idea as much as it is a natural human reaction to waking up and seeing someone, even if on the internet. I once heard David Cross respond to a similar question about Mr. Show with this thought: have you ever come up with any good ideas while high? It just doesn't happen. The best thing we came up with for this website while stoned was a weekly column about Fish Puns. We cod come up with more shit like that, but if we do you might have second thoughts about OYIT's moray down the road of puns.

merry christmas!! i'm a christian and i celebrate fucking christmas. why would anyone not want to celebrate christmas? it fucking pisses me off when these jews and muslims and atheists ruin everything for true Americans like me and hopefully you. what can we do to get rid of these people and fix christmas?

Ever since Scrooge McDuck was visited by those three ghosts and was scared into hating Christmas, the anti-Christmas sentiment has spread like a MILF's legs for a pizza delivery man.

I like Christmas, although I'm not a Christian. I get gifts, get to see family, eat food and drink liquids. What's to hate? I think of Christmas not as a religious holiday to celebrate the life of the lord baby Christ, but as a consumer's holiday where we worship the real lord, the almighty dollar. Merry Chri$tma$.

As always, send in your questions to mailbag@oneyearintexas.com.

Top Ten Search Referrals To One Year In Texas 20,000+ Edition

By Bub
To Commemorate O.Y.I.T.'s success milestone I wanted to dust off an old gem (to mix metaphors):

10. Steve urkel essay
9. zack morris' mom singing puff the magic dragon
8. "like a beast" -w.a.s.p
7. shakira cancer diagnosis
6. lady gaga coming to texas
5. is steve urkel gay
4. Fish Puns
3. how's the important people are in r.l.stine's life
2. Sara Gilbert nude
1. Jeffrey Jones pedophile?

Fish Pun of the Week [5/1/09]

By Gary and Jake



While not everybody may be a fan of fish puns, the other fish puns article happens to be the second most read post in OYIT history. What is even more surprising is how hard it is for Glenn to come up with any. He and I have flirted with making a fish puns article for over a month, but we usually just ended up flirting with each other instead. So try to enjoy these fish puns written by Gary and I.


Why did the fishermen get laid off from his mechanics job?
He could only tuna car!

Why was the fish scared to escape the boat after the fishermen got done cleaning him?
He didn't have the guts to live anymore!

Why did the fish call in sick to work?
Because he felt crappie.

Why did the fish have trouble swimming?
It had dolphins.

Mailbag Vol. 2 Issue 5

By Glenn and Jake

Welcome to yet another issue of Mailbag, one of the least respected features on One Year in Texas. If it's not beloved why do you keep doing it, you might ask. That's simple: we love writing it and reading it 5 years from now.


Dear One Year in Shit,

Wow. I'm the dude that wrote in last mailbag you had about how I stepped on a nail and how the tetanus shots were better than reading your website. Then you published my letter and said you had an aluminum baseball bat with my name on it. Before I insult you further, I would like to know if you meant this literally or figuratively. I do hate your site but this is important for me to know - professionally and personally.

- Cecil Fielder


Hey Cecil, we did not realize that it was you writing that letter last time. In an odd turn of events, we actually do have a Cecil Fielder baseball bat, but it's not aluminum. Instead it's a regulation wooden bat that sometimes we try to hit dingers with. I say try because we're quite bad at baseball. If you weren't my favorite baseball player we'd probably break your legs when we saw you, but since you are we'd just get your autograph and put it next to our Gilbert Gottfried autograph on our wall.

I was searching for A Flock of Seagulls b-sides, demos and live tracks and somehow I ended up on your site. Since I'm a die hard follow of AFoS's philosophy I never just assume things. I don't want to assume that you guys or girls don't have any AFoS material, though it doesn't look like you do. I wanted to write in and ask if you were into AFoS or if you had any AFoS content on your site. If you don't, could you tell me where I could find some b-sides? Those are songs that didn't appear on their studio released albums.

- Alicia, Unofficial AFoS Internet Coordinator

Yes, I do know what b-sides are, Alicia. Here's a link to a collection of A Flock of Segulls b-sides for your listening (and dancing) pleasure. If there's one thing I'm good at it's finding shit on the internet. To answer your other question, I'm not a big fan of of A Flock of Seagulls, but they're okay. They have funny haircuts, and I'm a fan of that. Thanks for the letter, Alicia.

Hello oneyear. Can you please tell me what the fuck this "FML" shit is about? I was able to find out from my teenage cousin that it stands for "fuck my life" but why do I keep seeing this shit all over my Facebook, Digg, Reddit, Stumblr, Tumbler, Facebook, Twitter, Tweetie, Twitterberry and Buzzfeed? And I'm not even bringing up how much it's on blogs, which I also read very frequently. Can you tell me how this started or why people seem to be using it on the internet so much? I'd really like to know if it's cool or not and if it is cool I will start to use it. For example, I will end this letter by using it.

FML,
Tony


Funny thing, Tony, we were going to do a parody of FML at one point, but we decided against it out of laziness, if nothing else. Fuck My Life is a website that women love reading. It's where they can complain (which is a woman's number one hobby) about some situation (like a girl at work saying "ho" or somebody shitting on the bathroom floor) and then saying "fuck my life" at the end of the anecdote. I'll give you a made up sample:

My boyfriend and I were having a threesome with a transvestite just to see what it was like. When my bf snorted coke off his dick I died inside a little bit. I haven't been able to look at him in the same way since then. Fuck My Life.

So yeah, it's stupid, in my opinion.

You're web page is kind of funny. I don't get some of the jokes, like when you talk about the Ugandan Giant Kamala. Is just referencing him funny? It's defnitely not as funny as when he tries to pin somebody when they're on they're stomachs instead of shoulders. That is some seriously funny shit. Kim Chee goes fucking nuts and shit.

For those of you who didn't watch WWF programming in the 1990s, you need to hear about Kamala. You just did, from this reader's letter. Kamala was a big wrestler from Uganda and we think the idea of an "African native" trying to pin someone on their back is self-evidently funny. Merely referencing him in passing is hilarious. Would you rather we mention Ugandan autocrat Idi Amin and his propensity to murder political dissidents? That's not funny.

Dear Oneyearintexas.com,

I found your site on my child's computer when I was searching through his chat conversations to see if he was conversing with child molesters (he's not, but he's getting oral sex from a girl his same age). I don't know how he would even find your site. I know he's always telling us fish puns, and that your site also has fish puns on it, so maybe that's how he found it. What are some of your favorite fish puns?
-Snooping Mom


How old is your son that he's already getting oral sex? This should be concerning you more than fish puns. Fish puns have never led to rapid transmission of STDs or destroyed a young person's fragile self esteem. At worst, they lead to laughter. My favorite fish puns are anything to do with carp, gills or plankton. Jake's so much better than me at doing fish puns so I won't even try. But seriously, quit snooping around your son's computer.

Hey Dummies,
What is your big fucking problem? You guys keep talking about shit like Twitter, Earth Hour, Skype and Coldplay. And what's the deal with this RETARD Mikey? Who is this fucking guy? Please answer me as quickly as you possibly can. Thank you and fuck you.

Mikey is not retarded; he just sees the world in a simpler way than any of us. Some might say this is a better way, but I wouldn't. I personally think he's a high functioning autistic, a disease he contracted from a mercury vaccination a few decades ago. If you're trying to ask why we write about popular things, it's because we want to be popular. The point of creating any form of art - and yes, this website is a form of art - is for people to like it. People like Coldplay, people use Skype and billions of people in the United States alone participated in Earth Hour. If you can make Wolf Eyes, child molestation or whatever obscure shit you're into be popular then we'll write about it.

As always, send mail to mailbag@oneyearintexas.com.

Fish Pun of the Week

By Josh


“You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish. Unless of course, you play bass.”
-Douglas Adams


Swivel: More fish puns so Rikki dies Ainside
Cannings: There hasn't been any fish puns nick
Nothing fishy going on here
But there cod be
Swivel: Wondered how you would tackle that paul!
Melde: Paul
Cannings: You bait'd me nick
Malfeasance: and now he's hooked

if you have any fish puns or referrals where I can find good fish puns please let me know josh@oneyearintexas.com