By Bub
Focus in to intimate talk show set. Two Armenian Penthouse models in bikinis are sitting in director's chairs co-hosting a paid content interview. Next to the women is a sad middle aged salesman with greased black hair, a menacing grin and empty eyes. The title star-wipes across the screen, "In The Now." Then in cursive, "With The Tanzarian Twins" sweeps up from the bottom of the screen and pauses for a moment in the middle before disappearing. Model one begins the interview, in mid-conversation:
Model 1: Giggles. "So, Jack, TELL US - what do you do in the face of it?"
Sales Man: Holds hands towards hosts as though he were about to catch a bounce pass. "Ladies, let me tell you about a malevolent new product that is sweeping this very nation. It is salacious and superfluous. It cures the common cancer. And ladies, it will even keep up with you in the sack."
Model 1: "Those are important adjectives and properties. And what about the environment?"
Sales Man: A glowing ball of energy appears and disappears between the man's hands. It reappears and disappears again and continues this process. "Ladies, there isn't anything I could tell you about the environment that you don't already know yourselves. Ladies, I am talking about a revolution in fast food dining and unnecessary medication. Ladies, what I have between my hands, is going to change the way you watch TV. Ladies, what I am conjuring from secret lairs that were founded by actual skulls and bones is going to turn your toothbrush into an ipad, and vice versa. Ladies, there is no way to oversell or undersell this product. IT WILL WORK. Ladies, it is my privilege to present to you: BRAIN STIX!!" Two long slender objects resembling knitting needles appear where the pulsating energy ball had been. They have very sharp ends.
Model 1: BRAIN STIX!!?? Please tell us more??!!"
Sales Man: "Ladies, I'll do you four better. I'll show you how to pop popcorn in a dozen dimensions, simultaneously. Follow along closely, now. These here are BRAIN STIX!!. Ladies, that means they're for your brains. Let me give you a demonstration." Takes a BRAIN STIX!! stick in each hand, shoves one into the forehead of each co-host. The women fall to the ground writhing and bleeding. "You see you put them in your BRAINS." Still addressing the now deceased co-hosts. "There is only one way to wax your eyelids and make your lips redder, and that way, Ladies, is BRAIN STIX!!. BRAIN STIX!! enjoy spending time with their families and riding horseback into canyons, and the best thing is, Ladies, BRAIN STIX!! are cheaper than the cost of a cup of coffee each day for the rest of your life and every life hereafter." Gets out of seat, turns and addresses camera. "Ladies and Gentlemen, BRAIN STIX!! are a bona fide all-terrain utility-wagon, a Holiday Inn Express continental breakfast, a reversifier of diabetes and a professional golf tournament all in one. Please believe me." Reaches back between his shoulder blades and pulls out a BRAIN STIX!! stick. Inserts stick into top of head. Falls down writhing and bleeding.
Cut to a husband in a kitchen. Dishrag in one hand, spaghetti sauce covered plate in the other. The man is sobbing. "I can't get these dishes CLEAN!" He shrieks. He tosses the plate into the sink full of dirty dishes; opens the dishwasher which holds a single human head. He opens the silverware drawer and pulls out a BRAIN STIX!! stick and stabs it into the disembodied head.
Cut to a dog in a park catching a Frisbee in mid-air. The dog lands, spits out the Frisbee, and jumps to grab the next Frisbee which is already on its way. This goes on for eight more Frisbees. Camera then pans out to show a man weeping on a stool next to a mountain of infinite Frisbees. A very somber voice-over warns, "BRAIN STIX!!: You're already dead without them."
Cut to a cartoon conveyor belt in a factory labyrinth of pipes and belts. On the conveyor belt are CGI cartoon heads. Each one advances along the conveyor belt and receives a BRAIN STIX!! stick pummeled into the top of its skull. They proceed to the end of the belt where they fall into a giant bottomless dumpster.
Cut to doorway of a bedroom. A dashing young man is smiling and loosening his tie on the bed beyond. A very elderly woman is standing in the doorway and suggestively clutching the door frame. She gives a sly grimace and flirtatiously shrugs alternating shoulders. "With BRAIN STIX!! brand brain sticks, I now have my mornings free." She takes a BRAIN STIX!! stick from behind the door and jams it into her temple. She falls to the ground bleeding and writhing. The dashing young man continues to smile and loosen his tie.
