Showing posts with label what movies are out in theaters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label what movies are out in theaters. Show all posts

The Movie Article for Which I Cannot Come Up with a Good Title

By Jake 



Season of the Witch
Not to spoil this for you, but the correct season of the witch is autumn, not winter.
This movie is inspired by, but not a direct remake of the classic Ingmar Bergman film The Seventh Seal. It is about knights fighting with each other and Nic Cage over acting, both of which can be enjoyable, but probably won't be.
Why you shouldn't see this: It is going to be pretty bad. Buy some drugs instead.



Country Strong
Gwenyth Paltrow stars as a country singer. This is a remake of Crazy Heart, I think. The twist is that Gwenyth Paltrow is a woman. This movie could be a hit, I suppose. I wouldn't go see it, but if this is your thing, I will not stop you. You shouldn't see this, but if you are a fan of country music, you will see it. How many movies come out a year about country music? Maybe 30?
Why you shouldn't see this: Because no Animal Collective songs are featured on the soundtrack. Spend the $15 on a new shower curtain.

What I Watched This Week (via Netflix Instant)
Predator 2 - Better than the original. This takes place in 1990s vision of 1997 LA, which is torn apart by gang warfare. Danny Glover is the ultimate cop. He fights the Predator and the audience wins. 6.5/10

Who is Harry Crumb? - It is John Candy. Stupid and dumb movie and features famous child rapist Jeffrey Jones. 4/10 for the 2 times I laughed.

Hot T-Shirts - A movie about wet t-shirt contests-- perhaps the only one. It was actually sort of fun. Cheerleaders vs. townies in the ultimate wet t-shirt showdown. 7/10

Movies!!! (Year End Edition)

By Jake 

As 2010 comes to an abrupt end that makes little to no sense, much like Mulholland Dr., we should look back on the "year that almost wasn't" with fondness and nostalgia. Who can forget the A-Team movie? I feel like everybody has a copy of it. That is but one example of classic cinema that was released this year, and I would like to take a look back at the movies I saw this year in this article.



The Only Movie I saw in the Theater
Machete. Ugly Mexican guy kills people and has sex with Lindsay Lohan and her celluloid mother. Fun movie, but not for everybody.

The Worst Movie I saw in 2010
The Runaways. This film is so shitty. It's stupid, shallow and shot like a music video. There is no motivation for any decision anybody makes in this film. If somebody gave me the choice between watching this movie again and getting punched in the stomach, I would take the punch--and that's how Houdini died! This is probably the worst movie I have seen.

Best Movie I saw in 2010
Glengary Glen Ross. This was the first movie I rented when I signed up for Netflix. Jack Lemon, Al Pacino, Kevin Spacey, Alan Arkin, Alec Baldwin and Ed Harris turn in some of the best performances ever committed to film. If you watch this movie and do not enjoy it, then you might as well slit your wrist.

Best Movie I saw from the Year 2010
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. I have seen very few movies from 2010, maybe ten total. Did anything good even come out in 2010 besides the Facebook movie? Anyway, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World was a pretty fun movie, although not perfect. There were a few things in it that rubbed me the wrong way, but it was generally very fun and cool. Maybe it tries to be too hip at times, but it tried a lot less hard than a Diablo Cody movie.

I Did Watch a Few Movies This Week
Good Hair - Good movie.

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machine - Really bad, but not nearly as bad as I expected.

Up - Up was good, but maybe too kiddie for my taste.

What Movies are Out in Theaters? (12-24-10)

By Jake 




Little Fockers
The "Meet the Parents" franchise of movies is pretty bad, but what really bothers me about it is that in 14 years they will be remaking it. And the worst part of it all: it comes in second to the Yogi the Bear 3D remake. Good thing we will all be dead by then.
Should You Go See This?: If you are actually thinking about seeing this, maybe it is time to take a long look into the mirror and reevaluate your life.

Gulliver's Travel
Can Gulliver sleigh Tron: Legacy at the box office? It will! Christmas is usually a pretty good money weekend for movies. No matter how much I urge people to not see films in the theater, they still do it. There is no stopping these people. I am sure this is a good movie to take your 8-year-old daughter to. A better place to take your 8-year-old daughter: the museum.
Should You Go See This?: If you have a kid who really wants to see it, and you see it in 3D, then I can understand seeing it. It could be decent.

True Grit
Little Fockers is a sequel in the Meet the Parents trilogy, Gulliver's Travel is based on the book and other film versions and True Grit is a remake of a John Wayne movie. Even the Coen Brothers cannot think of an original movie to make. Fuck them and fuck this movie. It looked good in the trailer, but I will be damned if I support another fucking remake. Why is it so impossible to make an original movie? There are probably 10 coming out every week, but they get no promotion and nobody sees them. People see these remakes/sequels because the trailers explode on to television like a Eric Robert Rudolf bomb.
Should You Go See This?: You might want to go see this because it is a Coen Brothers' movie. I get that, I really do. Just remember this: this is another fucking remake and by giving your money to it, it is telling Hollywood that remakes are fine and that you support their making of them.

This Week I Watched
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: This was very flashy and fun. See it if you like video games, jailbait Asian girls and Michael Cera. I like all three so I gave it 8/10.

MacGruber: This is a dumb movie. Very dumb. And maybe I am dumb. I sort of liked it. 6.5/10

Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work: There is a scene where Melissa is staring into a mirror at her plastic surgery scarred face, while Joan refuses to support her career. Melissa Rivers might be the saddest human being ever captured on film, unless they taped a screening of Biodome. 7.5/10

What Movies are Out in Theaters? (12-17-10)

By Jake 

This has been a terrible week for movies. First, Miramax announced a slew of unwarranted sequels (including one for Shakespeare in Love). Then the director of the Pink Panther films, Blake Edwards, dies. Now, we have a sequel to Tron and a CGI movie version of Yogi the Bear opening in the cinemas.

Yogi the Bear
I will not bother doing a fake summary for this abomination. It just makes me too mad that it even got made. Plus, it is coming out so close to Christmas, which could mean that it makes a slew of money. Children do not watch Yogi the Bear cartoons. I have three baby sisters (the oldest is 3 years old), and they watch Disney, Cartoon Network and Nick. So, the success of this film is hinged upon people our age taking their children to see it. Now, I do not have a lot of hope for our generation and I would not be surprised if we caused all human life on this planet to be extinguished within our lifetimes, but I still do not see them taking their kids to see this travesty.
This movie is in 3D, so if you wanted to be immersed in fart jokes then this is the movie for you. I would suggest eating some blackbeans and renting the Rocky and Bullwinkle movie. Actually, I would not suggest that. Please do not do that.
Should you go see this?: No, obviously.

Tron: Legacy
A meaningless sequel to a pretty boring movie with good special effects. Like all movies, this is in 3D. Does 3D enhance a movie like marijuana, or is it just a way to squeeze a few extra dollars out of the audience?
I will not be surprised if this makes some money, but I will probably be somewhat confused. The budget of this movie was $200 million. Think about all of the lap dances you could get with that money! Hell, you could probably even afford to finally go to the champagne room.
Should you go see this?: No, but you probably will anyway.

Hey, the restored, extended version of Metropolis was released recently and you can stream it on Netflix. I suggest watching that over either of these movies. If you have kids, watch Metropolis Babies.

In other movie news, I had to send "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" back to Netflix without watching it after having it for two weeks.

What Movies are Out in Theaters? (12-10-10)

By Jake 

Here are some synopses of movies that open today. I assume that these are what these movies are about. I watch TV shows online and rarely see a film in the theater, so I do not see a lot trailers. I apologize if I am off, but I find that pretty unlikely.

The Tourist
Angelina Jolie stars as the titular tourist. She boards a train, much like the one in Unstoppable, and sets off to see some sites. This train is filled with a variety of idiosyncratic characters, so she holes herself into her personal car in order to avoid any interactions with these strangers. One stranger she does want to talk to is Johnny Depp.
Once they get to their destination, the popular tourist trap The Eiffel Tower, they travel to the top where they take photos in fun poses. This is the feel good movie of the year. See this if you like traveling and seeing Americans eat at a French McDonald's.

The Fighter
Mark Wahlburg stars as the titular fighter in this production. Christian Bale is his manager, an anorexic pony salesman. Much of the film centers around Bale trying to unload ponies on audience members as Wahlburg wins and loses his way into America's throbbing hearts.
This movie is essentially a remake of Rocky, but instead of chasing chickens, they occasionally ride ponies. If you enjoy ponies and/or boxing this is a must-see talkie. Oddly enough, there are no silent pictures coming out this weekend.

So are you going to see either of these? If so, why? You cannot think of anything else to do with your money than to see a movie made strictly for profit rather than for entertainment or the love of film? Here are some ideas of things you could spend $15 on: three $5 DVDs from a store like Target or Wal-Mart, 15 hamburgers from McDonald's (hamburger eating contest?) or just donate it to David Duke's presidential campaign. Or you can save your money.