Untertainment Weakly (6-15-12)

By Jake

Jeanne Tripplehorn has joined “Criminal Minds.”

This upcoming season of “Weeds” will be its last.

Portia de Rossi has joined the awful sounding “Munsters” reboot.  She will be playing Lily Munster.

Alyson Hannigan had a girl as a baby.

A three-hour director’s cut of “The Avengers” could be coming to theaters in August.

A “Tonka Trucks” movie?  Why not?  Everything else stupid is already a movie.

Andy Samberg has left “SNL” but is joining a BBC comedy called “Cuckoo.”

Ashley Tisdale will be in two upcoming episodes of “Sons of Anarchy.”

Universal is planning on making a “Snow White and the Huntsman” sequel.

Warners Bros. are planning on somehow making a “Guiness Book of World Records” movie.

Matthew Perry Watch

Matthew Perry’s new sitcom “Go On” will premiere on September 11th.

Movies Out This Weekend
That’s My Boy - This movie has a 19% on Rotten Tomatoes, but 71% of the audience liked it.  So if you’re a person and not a critic, you might enjoy this movie.  The trailer looks awful and Adam Sandler is awful, but Andy Samberg is great.  Plus, this movie had a rewrite (credited on IMDB) by David Wain and Ken Marino.  So I don’t really know.  I might go see it.

Rock of Ages - Old people rock, or so this movie’s title would somewhat lead you to believe.  Tom Cruise plays a Scientologist whose career is slipping away, and in this movie he plays a rock star or something.  I cannot imagine the kind of people who would want to see this film.

Movies I Watched This Week
None

Song of the Week

Help Fund Our Kickstarter Project

By Jake

Here at One Year in Texas, we have tried many ways to make some money: ads, prostitution, selling bath salts to cannibals, husking corn at the supermarket for the elderly and opening our own fraudulent wishing well.  None of these have worked!  We have made no money.

Bub, Ali and I are trying to record an album, but we need a little bit of money to purchase recording devices and instruments.  Trust me, it will be worth it.  I will write a sequel to the Eddie Money hit "Electric Avenue" titled "Return to Electric Avenue."  Ali will rap about Garfield.  Bub will croon about a cursed mummy.  How could you not want to hear those songs?

It's easy and rewarding to donate.  How is it rewarding?  There are rewards!  If you donate $666 one of us will convert to satanism for the rest of the year.  If you donate $50 you get our album and a copy of Bub's book "Bub vs. The Volcano."  If you donate $70, I will make you cookies.  For $100 you get a portrait of a lettuce sandwich painted by Ali.  Those are all fairly affordable, even in this collapsing economy.

I am begging you, literally, to donate.  It will be a lot of fun to record this album and have some new equipment to work with.  It will be fun for you to have the album, book, cookies, painting or one of us converting to Satanism.  You can even get a special newsletter/magazine style version of OYIT with never before posted content.  Or you can get the handwritten "Life with Mikey" notebook with Mikeyisms that were "too hot" for OYIT.

Donate Here and we will be so thankful.  At the time of this writing we are $700 away from our goal.

Debate: Bath Salts

By Jake and Glenn

Ever since the case of the “Miami Zombie,” bath salts, a drug which is generally inhaled, has been making national news.  Do bath salts cause zombism?  Was the lightning bolt that struck the tombstone in “Night of the Living Dead” made of bath salts?  This debate will attempt to answer these questions.



Jake:  I have yet to try bath salts, but I will very soon.  It really does sound like a lot of fun.  I have also never chewed off the face of an acquaintance, but not for lack of trying.  My teeth are very dull from the time Glenn dared me to chew gravel for three minutes.  It is starting to come out that the “Miami Zombie” was neither a zombie, on bath salts or even from Miami!  He was from Tampa and he didn’t swallow any of that fellow’s face.  He is no more a cannibal than--to randomly pluck a name from the ether -- Jeffrey Dahmer.  The only thing you are going to do when on bath salts is have a great time.  So let’s get together and inhale some soon.


Glenn:  Certainly the worst thing to happen in the wake of these bath salts attacks is the trend of people smirkingly yelling “zombie apocalypse” in the way they yell “real apocalypse” about December 2012.   These are both examples of a defeated society, grasping ways to accept its decline and eventual destruction.  A great way to speed up this destruction would be putting bath salts into the drinking water, as my opponent wishes but will not say. There is already such a huge problem with drugs in our society, why make it worse?  The recent and tragic example of Len Bias’s cocaine overdose would certainly have been exacerbated with a “drug” like bath salts.  Perhaps he would have killed fellow draftee Dennis Rodman and eaten his multi colored hair.  We need Len Bias back and bath salts gone.


Jake: The only water I want to put bath salts in is my bath water, but those are a different kind of bath salts.  The designer drug bath salts is not the same as the home spa product, but they both seem very therapeutic.  Here is a very shocking statistic: crime has been on a decline since bath salts have made their way to the United States.  Sure, I just made that statistic up, but it very well may be true.  There is really no way to find out whether it is.  Drugs are not a problem in this society.  The real problem is, as J.J. Fad declared on their classic album “Supersonic,” nosy people.  People want to stick their noses into everybody’s business and tell them what they can or cannot do.  I say, let us stick our noses into some bath salts and have a moment of relief from our living nightmare of reruns of “Yes, Dear” and Salisbury steak TV Dinners.


Glenn:  You say bath salts are a respite from the living nightmare of “Yes, Dear” but I say they are simply that nightmare in a different, waking form.  Who among us hasn’t dreamt about eating someone’s face, jumping off a tall building or showing up to school in a pair of assless chaps?  These are dreams that become waking nightmares when on bath salts.  I have only ingested them once, in 1988.  Dukakis had just conceded to George Bush Sr. and I was sad.  When I woke up, I was on the roof of the Toronto Skydome and Joe Carter had just hit his infamous Game 6 home run in the 1993 World Series.  In between I committed several crimes including the bombing of the World Trade Center and shoplifting from a Toys R Us.  For whatever reason bath salts, unlike marijuana or meth, make people lose all control of their realities and kill those they love with acts of horrific violence.  Why not kill the ones we love the old fashioned way: by withholding emotional affection?


Jake:  Designer drugs are not a problem in America--no drugs are a problem.  The only reason people are against drugs is because they make you momentarily feel good, which enrages the Christian right.  If they are not allowed to feel the joy of toking on some K2 or getting a late term abortion, then nobody can.  There are too many people in this country who want to tell you what you can put into your body.  If you live in New York and you drink a soda, you go to prison for five years.  In most states you are not even allowed to get married to your same sex because these “people” want to keep you from putting a penis in your body.  Bath Salts are the drug equivalent to a penis.  It feels great inside of you, you keep coming back for more and you may or may not want to bite somebody’s face off after taking it.  If you are against bath salts, then you are against gay marriage.  End of story.


Glenn:  You want a story?  Here’s one: mentally ill homeless man may or may not take bath salts, then eats other homeless man’s face, kills him, jumps off the top of a parking garage, then casts a vote for Ron Paul in the GOP presidential primary.  Popularize bath salts and extrapolate that nightmare scenario all across this great land.  I sympathize with my opponent’s drug position and drug addiction.  I actually think marijuana should be legalized and given as an option to all children struggling with anxiety over state-mandated standardized tests.  But we must beware the bath salts.  Alone among god’s beautiful drugs, it makes you kill for sport or lust or greed or insanity.  It will make you murder your brother to possess your brother’s face.  Let people not ingest it in great numbers, for they will turn your urban utopia into a desert.  Shun bath salts, drive them back into hell for they are the harbinger of death.

Scam Bait - A Modest Proposal


By Bub


From:
To: ".." <..@yahoo.com>

Hello Dearest One,

This letter might come to you as a surprise ,Please I apologies to you to exercise a little patience and read through my letter I feel quite safe dealing with you in this important business having gone through your remarkable profile, I will really like to have a good relationship with you and I have a special reason why I decided to contact you, I decided to contact you due to the urgency of my situation, My name is Jenny Kipkalya Kones, 24yrs old female and I held from Kenya in East Africa.

My father was the former Kenyan road Minister. He and Assistant Minister of Home Affairs Lorna Laboso had been on board the Cessna 210, which was headed to Kericho and crashed in a remote area called Kajong'a, in western Kenya. You can read more about the crash through the below:

site:http://edition.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/africa/06/10/kenya.crash/index.html

After the burial of my father, my stepmother and uncle conspired and sold my father's property which the shared the money among themselves and live nothing for me. One faithful morning, I opened my father's briefcase and found out the documents which he have deposited huge amount of money in one bank in Burkina Faso with my name as the next of kin. I travelled to Burkina Faso to withdraw the money for a better life so that I can take care of myself and start a new life, on my arrival in Burkina Faso since is a nearby country , the Bank Director whom I met in person told me that my father's instruction to the bank is that the money would only be release to me when I am married or present a trustee foreigner who will help me and invest the money overseas. I am in search of an honest and reliable person who will help me and stand as my foreign trustee so that I will present him to the Bank for transfer of the money to his bank account overseas. I have chosen to contact you after my prayers and I believe that you will not betray my trust.

You may wonder why I am so soon revealing myself to you without knowing you, To me I will say that my spirit and mind convinced me that you may be the true person to help me, I will like to disclose much to you if you can help me to relocate to your country because my stepmother have threaten many times to assassinate me due to her wickedness and jealousy’s because she has no issue for my father since she was married after the accident that killed my mother years back, The amount is( $4.5 Million USD )Four Million five hundred thausand United State Dollars, and I have confirmed from the bank in Burkina Faso on my arrival.

You will also help me to place the money in a more profitable business venture in your Country. However, you will help by recommending a nice University in your country so that I can complete my studies. It is my intention to compensate you with 30% of the total money for your efforts and kindness services and the balance shall be my capital in your establishment. As soon as I receive your positive response showing your interest I will inform the bank that am ready to present the foreign trustee who will receive the fund on my behalf.

I am a Christian and I believe in God. Please do keep this only to your self for now until the bank will transfer the fund. I beg you not to disclose it till I come over because I am afraid of my stepmother who has threatened to kill me and have the money alone ,I thank God Today that am out from my country (KENYA) but now In (Burkina Faso) where my father deposited these money with my name as the next of Kin. Thanks for your patient and understanding hope to hear from you .God Bless.
                 Please reply through this email address(jennykipkalya99@gmail.com)

Yours Sincerely,
Miss Jenny Kipkalya Kones.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dearest Jenny,

The answer is yes:  I will marry you.  God must have been listening because at the exact same time you were praying about contacting me, I too was praying - praying that an orphaned Kenyan girl would flee assassination attempts by her stepmother to Burkina Faso where she would be forced to marry me to inherit her father's money.  Our prayers have both been answered.

Now, I realize that the bank presented you the option of either being married or having a 'trustee foreigner' to assist you in investing your father's money but let me advise you that despite their reputation, not all foreigners are eminently trustworthy.  I would feel much more comfortable for your sake and mine if I were your husband and not simply a trustee foreigner.  If I were the latter I would be vested with fiduciary responsibilities that I would be uncomfortable shouldering having become so recently acquainted with you.  As your husband I wouldn't be forced by law into prudence or diligence and could be as careless with our investments as I am with my own.  I know that my risk-taking behavior and financial, and general, incompetence are part of what attracted you to me to begin with and would not what those qualities fettered by legal proscription.

This letter comes as no surprise at all, as I've already mentioned I've been praying for it to come constantly.  That CNN article has served as my homepage on Google Chrome for years now.  The only time that I have spent not praying for this letter's arrival was the time I took to post remarkable profiles on every Burkina Faso-based international money laundering social network I could find, including the once popular MySpace which has devolved into a site that specifically fits into such a category.  I did take about an hour and a half once to watched three taped episodes of the television program 'Yes, Dear' without fast-forwarding through the commercials.  I apologize for that - to you, and, to the world at large.

The praying so consumed my life that I was fired from my job, my library card and stormfront.org membership card were both revoked, and my cat began dating outside of her race.  I stopped looking her in the eye after she brought home a cat I suspected of being Portuguese.  Things only got worse from there, and the short of it is that I am now sleeping in my driveway because my entire house has become infested with the stench of mongrel cat urine and paella.

Either my prayers were to be answered and I would receive this very email or I would be doomed.  It's the only way to guarantee the achievement of a goal - if I had the built in safety net of a job and a life not ruled over by miscegenous felines I know my effort might have topped out at 99% when I needed the full hundred to succeed.

And succeed I have.  I will book my flight to Ougadougou post haste, and from there we will dodge your step-mother's bullets together in marital bliss.  A small matter first - as I've mentioned I have no money at present and will be booking a rather expensive international flight, but no matter because we're in luck - you wont believe this but my father just died and left a large inheritance, the only problem is that he stipulated that a $500 irony fee be paid by a Kenyan refugee before I'd get access to the funds.  Reply with your bank account information and I'll set up the wire.  Until then I'll be longing for your embrace.

Your Dearest One,
Bub


The Good News (From Around the World)

By Jake and Glenn

It's a rare condition, this day and age, to read any good news on the newspaper page. Love and tradition of the grand design - some people say it's even harder to find. But don’t despair; here comes Jake and Glenn, the “good news” pair!  Check out some positive headlines we’ve pulled from around the world.

All-You-Can-Eat Chinese Buffet Lives up to its Promise

Library Forgives Overdue Fines

“Austin Powers” and “Borat” Quotes at Record Low

Hitler Still Dead

Jay Leno’s “Headlines” shows Waning Popularity Among the Elderly

Games on Smart Phones Help Relieve Boredom

Movie Industry Thrives with Sequels, Remakes and Comic Book Adaptations

First Biracial President Still Not Assassinated

Papercuts Happening Less Often Across All Ages

Mistletoe-related Sexual Harassment Lawsuits Down During Summer Months

Another Year, Another Olympics Not Overtaken by Palestinian Nationalists

Congress Passes Law Mandating South Park Continue Until 2035

Real Ghost Activity Still at Zero

Your Favorite Band Reuniting for Summer Festival Circuit

Your Parents Love You

Most Bosses Running Even Later Than Employees for Meeting

The Internet: A Great Place to Sell Back Issues of Archie Comics

“Beach” Pictures on Facebook Up 34% Since Last Year

Dog Rescues Wagon Full of Babies

Your Husband Chose Not to Cheat

Most Mosquitoes Moving Away From Blood Sucking

Will Smith Releases New Single

Twitt-ocalypse Now - 6/10/12



By Ryan - @rwoodsmall