Talkin' New York

By Glenn 



New York City has changed a lot since I last visited in May 2001. A symbol of financial prowess and American decadence no longer exists - and with its disappearance came a renewed introspective outlook on life and certainly what it means to be a New Yorker. But whatever you think of old Yankee stadium, it's destruction pales in comparison to the terrorist attacks of 9-11. I remember eating dinner with my family at the top of the World Trade Center in the late 1990s. We couldn't get into Windows of the World on the 106th and 107th floor so we had to eat Pizza Hut instead. It wasn't the "authentic" World Trade Center experience but it still affected me greatly.

Technically I was here one other time in the past nine years, but a Megabus brought me and upon arrival I was immediately whisked away for an evening across the river in New Jersey. My emotions were the same as the immigrants arriving at Ellis Island over a century ago, except my disappointment was missing an Oasis concert at Madison Square Garden - not the death of my first born son on the long voyage to the new country.

This time Oasis weren't playing, I skillfully avoided New Jersey and I was unencumbered by the shame of traveling with my parents. Stepping off the plane at Laguardia, I broke both of my legs (we hadn't yet reached the terminal) but it didn't phase me. I was too excited to be back and I knew I'd have time to heal on the $40 taxi ride into the city. I was only outside the airport briefly before getting into a cab but it was long enough to feel the wondrous chill of NYC in February: air not cold enough to anecdotally disprove global warming but not warm enough to associate with Spring's renewal.

First stop was the Upper West Side, near Columbia University. This is where my sister became a lawyer and where hundreds of college students, each day, experiment with LSD for the first time. Stuart and I walked past tons of places that I wanted to enter because through the window I could see "young people" or "college students." We ended up going to a small Mediterranean restaurant. Stuart sat at the bar with me while I devoured a delicious falafel sandwich with hummus. Afterward we went to what Stu called a bar where people to go to sleep with Columbia girls. We ended up having a threesome with the entire band Vampire Weekend - Columbia's most famous alumni that I count as one because that's how many times I've seen them in concert.

The next day I got to experience a wider breadth of New York City through bus and subway rides. We saw where John Lennon was shot, where Giuliani cleaned up the streets and Central Park. The first made me sad, the second made me angry and the third made me happy we were seeing it from a bus window and not while jogging. Going through the heart of the city, Times Square, memories of earlier trips rushed forth through my head like screaming teenage girls at a filming of the nearby now deceased Total Request Live. Do the bright lights and Asian photographers define the city? Every New Yorker would answer something different, as we found out after registering for photography, Asian studies and lightology classes at CUNY.

Have you ever been to a fancy restaurant? I hadn't until I went to Tabla, which is a place in New York that sells "Indian Fusion." Think of jazz fusion, but in food form and with a Hindi twist! It was overpriced, granted, but what kind of fusion product isn't? The most important part of the meal was the company I was with: a collection of army veterans, college drop-outs, princesses, reporters, and Ralph Lauren employees that represent some of my closest friends. We spent the entire evening talking about favorite memories from Family Ties and our time at the University of Missouri, where we all graduated summa cum-laude. Though I was in New York it felt like being back in the womb (or some other place that people usually think of as comfortable and familiar).

The next day was much more comfortable for me as I got to see a celebrity, a sky walk, and a famous New York City area. The celebrity was Ethan Hawke, the "sky walk" was actually Highline Park and the famous New York City area was the East River, where we put Ethan Hawke's body after we ran into him at Highline Park. Scott also brought me to Union Square, where Godzilla was filmed and where a crazy woman screamed at us. (It turned out to be Kirsten Gillenbrand campaigning for US Senate.) Union Square is the like the less touristy version of Times Square.

Tuesday night we went to Spanish Harlem to watch LOST, the show that in New York is named "Long Island" and subtitled in Yiddish. I thought of the Bob Dylan song "Spanish Harlem Incident" and the lyric "I am homeless, come and take me // Into reach of your rattling drums." This was probably because a homeless person was following me as I got off the subway and walked to Jon's apartment. The LOST episode was the best of the season thus far, and to celebrate we all had a glass of wine. I invited the homeless man up to join us and it turned out to be Bob Dylan himself.

This segues perfectly into Wednesday, my final day in the city that never sleeps. This was the day that Maddie took me on a tour of her bohemian neighborhood. I saw Bob Dylan's apartment! And the Stonewall Inn where the Stonewall Riots of 1969 ignited the "modern gay movement." Thinking about these two Greenwich Village landmarks I was wistful for days gone by that I never lived myself. Who is our generation's Bob Dylan? What is our generation's Stonewall?

I guess I could have been experiencing this in any city: in Chicago, it would have been "what is our generation's Mrs. O'Leary's Cow?"; in DC, "what is our generation's burning down the White House?"; even in Detroit, "what is our generation's ICP?" But there's something unique about these New York icons that makes the feeling that much more visceral. I could imagine Bob Dylan almost 50 years ago walk out of his apartment, look out onto the filthy-but-not-yet-the-modern-kind-of-filthy streets and write "Talkin' New York." Now I can't even imagine [insert famous and current New York based artist who has integrity and limited but sustained popular appeal] writing [insert iconic song from said artist].






My New York City trip is probably best compared to the blackout of 2003 (pictured above). It short and sweet, doing everything I wanted to happen and seeing everyone I wanted to see. The only problem is that, like the blackout of '03, it felt like it had been done better and more intense before I even got there. In the blackouts of '65 and '77, people died. People rioted. Bob Dylan wrote songs and the Talking Heads released their debut album, respectively. I'm not as scared to live in New York after this visit and deeply love the people I know there now.

You can't get a true feel for a place just from visiting for four days, but I think I got close. I walked to Dunkin Donuts. I took the subway. I ate at Subway. I converted to Judaism. Most importantly, I got to spend time with people who truly live in New York the right way. It's an expensive place (like most of our biggest cities) but probably has enough going for it to justify living there, which I request that we all do by the end of the year. Hopefully this article gave you a good idea of why people like me visit New York City. It's the same reason the Republican Party held their convention there in 2004: craven desire to score political points off of innocent blood.

One Week In-tertainment (3-20-10)

By Jake 

According to People.com, Gerard Butler likes Jennifer Aniston's cupcakes. No, not her tits. Actual cupcakes. The desert.

Kendra Wilkinson want to make a cast of her boobs. This is an actual headline from People.com. Great site.

Jason Segal's new Muppet Movie has found a star-- Jason Segal. That came out of nowhere.

Avatar is coming back to the theater (I think it's still there anyway) with extra scenes. I see there point, it didn't make that much money.





Heidi Montags new manager-- a psychic-- uses his ability to channel healing energy to aid Montag's career. HAHAHAHAHA! Best story of the year.

I write this article throughout the week, not all at once. So here's a follow-up to the above story: Heidi Montag has already fired her psychic manager and will now be her own manager. Makes sense, she's super smart.

Sony made a big money deal with Michael Jackson's estate to release several albums of unreleased material.







Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy have split up. Now when Heidi and Spencer split up who will be the ultimate douchebag couple?

David Schwimmer is engaged. Sorry ladies.

David Beckham is injured. Now nobody in America will watch soccer.

Spencer Pratt is leaving The Hills to fight cyber crime. Maybe he should make a TV show about fighting cyber crime. I'd watch that shit.





Jessica Simpson tells People.com that John Mayer will "never have this napalm again." If her pussy is napalm, then John Mayer's dick must look like a Vietnamese child.

You can all rest easy, an arrest has been made in the Corey Haim/drug ring case. This was apparently a thing.

According to TMZ (who actually are fairly accurate, surprisingly), Fox is already pressuring affialites to clear the 11pm timeslot for Conan. I think that would get rid of local news, wouldn't it?

Tim Burton is going to direct an Adam's Family movie. I hate Tim Burton and I hate the Adam's Family. Do you know why they don't try to make a Munsters movie? Because people actually like The Munsters.

Peace to our Falled Homies
Peter Graves
Alex Chilton
Angelo Poffo (Macho Man Randy Savage's father)

Saved by the Bell: Screech's Woman

By Jake

Episode 6313: Screech's Woman



The Players
Zack Morris
Samuel "Screech" Powers
A.C. Slater
Lisa Turtle
Jessica Spano
Kelly Kapowski
Sally Dunsky
Richard Belding
Max, the proprieter of The Max

Slater and Kelly are sitting together at The Max, a model volcano rests upon their table. Jessie tells Slater that they make a great team and they'll surely win the science fair. Yet, when it comes down to picking a name for the volcano, these two just cannot seem agree. Mount St. Jessie or Slater's Crater? Both a pretty weak names if you ask me. Slater pours too much vinegar into the volcano and it bubbles over causing them to flee the Max with Jessie complaining about lava stains on her clothes.

Zack smoothly enters. He walks up to Screech and tells him he's not going to do any work on their science project. Screech is basically thanking Zack for it. I can see why Zack is friends with Screech, even if Screech is one of the most annoying characters ever portrayed on television. Their science project is an electromagnetic aerial hymonopha (or something of that nature) detector. It makes Screech's canary fly into the wall.

Screech pines for Lisa and Kelly encourages him to ask her out on a date. Zack brings up the point that Einstein was never seen with a "chick." As Screech approaches Lisa with arms outstretched another, blacker gentleman swoops in. Screech cannot figure out why girls don't like him. His theory: he's snake spit. My theory: he's incredibly annoying.

At Screech's house, Screech mopes in a beanbag chair. Zack is going to set Screech up and teach him how to make the ladies love him. He feeds him so corny lines and gets fed up very quickly with Screech's back talk.

Back at Bayside, Screech hits on Sally Dunsky and falls into a trash can. She's fairly angry at his come-ons. He then asks her if she knows that worms are a good source of protein and then accidentally fumbles one of Zack's lines into an insult. Way to go Samuel. For a guy with the last name Powers, he sure is a weak nerd. Screech hides in his locker and Zack says he has somebody who might be perfect for him-- Jessie. Give me a break, Jessie is the shallowest character on this show. Zack builds Screech up to her and then tells her who his friend is and she sort of pukes in her own mouth. Zack tells Screech that at 3:30 at the payphone his mystery woman will call him.

As we come back from a commercial break, we see Slater on the payphone. If he's on the phone then how will Screech receive his phone call? There is just so much intrigue in this episode. Screech threatens Slater. Slater asks why this call is so important and is shocked when he finds out it's from a girl. Slater offers some advice and leaves.

Mr. Belding enters a bathroom stall with a newspaper.

The phone rings. Screech moves like lightning to answer it. He sprays banaca into his mouth, yet it's a phone call. How hilarious. Zack enters the bathroom speaking like a lady on his cellular telephone (it's as big as a brick). He says his name is Bambi. Mr. Belding is very confused and is answering back to Zack's love talk aimed at Screech. Zack leaves as Belding goes on a diatribe about how the restroom is the one door that education shouldn't open. Slater enters. Belding continues to prattle on and is then embarrassed by Slater. The audience giggles at the toilet flushing. Belding is flummoxed and vows to never go to the bathroom again.

In class, Screech tells Zack about his chat with Bambi the previous night. Lisa enters and Screech proclaims himself taken to her, to which she rolls her eyes. Zack says that Screech cannot meet Bambi because she's having an identity crisis. He feels pretty badly about it. Screech has chained himself to a locker to demonstrate his love for Bambi. He can't eat, sleep or do science projects. The last one particularly piques the interest of young Morris.

In Belding's office, Belding has a heart-to-heart with Screech. Screech still has a pair of lockers attached to his wrist. When Screech says his lady friend is Bambi, Belding's interest is raised tenfold due to the bathroom incident. Belding calls Zack into his office. Kelly goes into Belding's office to use her locker and leaves. Belding demands that he presents Bambi to Screech at The Max this afternoon or else.

At the Morris household, Zack is pacing as Lisa and Jessie enter his room. They're going to make Zack look like a lady. This is the sort of logic one jumps to in a sitcom or because they're having issues with their sexual or gender identity. Jessie wants Zack to shave his legs, which he obliges.

At The Max, Screech goes to his table and Max does some truly terrible magic (as usual). Lisa and Jessie take a pair of seats to watch. Some homosexual hits on Zack as he enters. He walks over to Screech's table and is presented with some fake flowers (a gift from Max). Screech introduces Slater to Bambi. Screech goes to get Kelly to introduce her and Slater tells "Bambi" that Screech has good taste. Zack slaps him lightly and calls him fresh (in a bad way, somehow). Slater instantly recognizes that it's Zack and tells him that he has nice legs. Kelly recognizes Bambi from somewhere, perhaps Brownies. Slater wants Screech to kiss Bambi to show Lisa how over her he is. Zack/Bambi lays down his rules for dating instead: shave his birds, straighten his hair and dye it blond and get rid of that no good Zack Morris. Screech thinks it over, but politely declines and leaves to finish their science project. Kelly invites Bambi to the ladies room, as Zack is getting up to go Jessie grabs him and tells him to freeze. Classic. The End.

Katyz Movie Previewz

By Katy




We've made a change to your usual Friday mornings! Rather than waste your time with talk of the weather or predictions of what will happen in Iowa throughout the day, we're going strictly movie previews! I am currently accepting YOUR suggestions for a much better article title. Please submit ideas in the comments section.

Welcome to March 19, 2010.

  • The Bounty Hunter (Rated PG-13 which is surprising for a movie about bounty hunters).


  • Synopsis: Gerald Butler plays Milo, a bounty hunter, or perks up with excitement when he's given the task of tracking down his ex-wife, Nicole (Jennifer Aniston). Nicole is a reporter who jumped bail, and while Milo catches up with her pretty fast, she manages to slither away in attempts to get the story on a high profile murder cover-up. This game of cat and mouse continues for what I assume is most of the movie, until they both find themselves playing mouse to the people that covered up the murders in the first place. Duh. Now they're both runnin' for their lives... and more importantly, for their rekindled love.



    My Take: Not bad, really. Not original, but not bad. I won't go see this in the theaters unless someone really wants me to, and that has to be a very special someone. Glenn. I can't help but like Jennifer Aniston, even if I haven't seen a movie she's made... ever, I guess. But she's still cute. I'd do her.

  • Greenberg [Limited theaters] (Rated R for eternal sadness).


  • Synopsis: We once again find Ben Stiller (Greenberg) playing the down on his luck, less successful, poor guy whose life is constantly terrible. He moves in with his brother in LA and being sad and lonely, attempts to reconnect with his old friends... who aren't really friends anymore. Awkwardness ensues, along with sadness.



    My Take: I go back and forth on Stiller... whether or not I like him that is. This movie reminds me a bit of Funny People, which is a movie I really enjoyed. I always like being sad, it's one of my favorite past times. I'll see this movie if Glenn goes.

  • Repo Men (Rated R for being the far less superior repo tale).


  • Synopsis: Organs and replacement body parts have come to the point where people wear them like jewelry. Er, not really.. but they buy them when their own parts fail. They're super expensive and just like anything else you buy in America, once your "no interest" period is over and you still haven't paid off that credit card bill, men will come and slaughter you in puddles of gore and sweet bloody collections. Oh yeah, and Jude Law is in this movie. Remember when people used to make jokes about how Jude Law is in like, every movie ever... but then he stopped being in movies for a while so that joke wasn't funny anymore? Well this is the moment you've all been waiting for; it's hilarious again.



    My Take: Like any other self-respecting fan of Repo! The Genetic Opera, I find this Repo Men crap appalling. Sure, it's based off some book written by some dude and therefore not technically "stealing" but it's also true that Repo! creator Terrance, started building this story on stage back in 1995. Whose stealing now, ERIC GARCIA?! It's all right though. To make up for this travesty on theatrical and operetta brillance, Repo! is going back to theatres today as well! So, if I see anything about slaughtering strung-out hookers with new knee caps, it's going to be the REAL repo man, Anthony Stewart Head. I love you, Tony.

  • The Runaways [Limited theatres] (Rated R in hopes Dakota Fanning isn't raped in this one).


  • Synopsis: Joan Jett and Cherie Currie (Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning) are two wild and crazy teenagers who wants to play musical instruments like the big boys. That's basically it.. it's the story of The Runaways and how they were created and how much sex they had.



    My Take: For a split second I was hoping I had been dead for the past three years and hadn't heard any news of a Runaways (the graphic novel) movie coming out, but alas, it's just another Kristen Stewart movie. She and Jude Law should get together and make a shitload of movies... haha.. RIGHT? Am I right?! Yeah I don't have much interest in this. Frankly, seeing someone as joyless, lifeless, and listless as Kristen Stewart playing Joan Jett seems like a travesty, but hell, maybe this will be her turning point where we discover she can play more than boring and misunderstood. But really, we'll have to wait until Glenn sees it.

    Good Morning Red River Valley

    By Glenn 

    Good morning. I've really missed talking to all of you. It feels like it's been days (two, to be exact) since I've wished you a good morning and dropped some rudimentary prose about my time in California. I've actually done a lot of traveling in the past month and wish I could have shared more but I've had trouble composing my thoughts lately. At my sister's house we have a housekeeper who does things for me I would usually do myself: doing the dishes, making my bed and pardoning Marc Rich. I've asked her to write some articles on my behalf, but the language barrier has made it more difficult than it was to get my nephew to write my article on Monday. I hope to regale you with stories of New York, Chicago, and Pomona soon.

    [In fact, I am going to fucking mention Pomona today.]


    Today's Weather
    Yeah, it's still hot here. That's not what's important right now.

    Right now the people I love in North Dakota are in danger because the Red River, evil liquefied, plans to flood major civilian areas and convert those who survive to Satanism. This is a major weather related story that hits close to home because I'm not there and I should be. I never should have left and this is the proof. If you can fill a virtual sandbag please click here to volunteer if you're local to the area. If not, there are emergency numbers provided that you can call repeatedly just to "check in" and "make sure everything's okay."


    Today's New Shirts
    To go from a topic of life and death importance to one of life or death FASHION importance, there is the issue of my new shirts. When I visited Pomona, California recently to purchase a ticket to the Coachella music festival, there was an amazing vintage store that called out for me to come in. (Not literally of course because I'm not hearing voices now that I live this close to the ocean.) Once inside I realized many of the clothes were even older than me! After glancing at some "Western" style shirts for a few minutes, the suave, Latin store owner asked me what size I was. "Medium," I replied bashfully. So he grabbed several shirts from beyond the counter and gave them to me. There was no dressing room so I just went to the corner to try several of the shirts on. Here is what I walked away with:

    Will these shirts be enough for me to fit into the Southern California post-punk scene? Only time, and you in the comments, will tell.


    Today in History

    Something we forget about March 18th is that it is the anniversary of something good happening to a very famous person. It was 1,973 years ago today that Caligula became Emperor of Rome!

    For our younger readers who may not remember, Rome was the similarly located yet less corrupt version of today's Vatican City. Caligula was the one who really turned things around there. Before him, horses were treated as second class citizens and couldn't even vote. But during his reign not only could they vote but some special ones were even appointed to the Senate! I know you might be thinking "Hey, a horse is even dumber than Jim Bunning!" That's not fair, though. Bunning isn't stupid - he just has severe, debilitating mental illness that in any place besides Kentucky would have made him unfit to serve years ago. Certain historians rate Caligula very negatively based on their own biases against incest and murder. If you want to get the truth about Caligula you'll have to google "Caligula unrated." Whatever videos come up should showcase some interesting facts about Roman history - something the whole family can enjoy!


    Today's Prediction
    Families all along the Red River Valley will google "Caligula unrated" while bored and waiting for the flood to destroy their local sense of community. The results will be mixed, but ultimately will make the brightly colored shirt I displayed above seem tame in comparison. While doing the genealogy of that vintage shirt I will find out it was once worn by a great great great grandfather of Jim Bunning, who happened to be a horse.

    Mailbag Vol. 3 Issue 1

    By Glenn, Bub and Jake 

    Welcome to the very first Mailbag of 2010. It took us nearly three months to amass enough emails to justify an article and we didn't want to write the emails ourselves like many other sites do. We simply have too much integrity to lie to our audience. We are happy that you have taken the time to read our site, and although you never comment, we still love you.



    I'm kind of old-fashioned so I'll start this email by asking your father's permission to marry you. We'll get married, then I'll physically dominate you and our children for the course of our marriage. Then I'll leave you for a hooker I met in Reno. Any questions?

    Sincerely,
    Your Future Husband


    Glenn: Yeah - why would you go to Reno to meet a hooker? Honestly OYIT is like many of us from "urban" homes in that we don't know our fathers. They weren't a part of our lives and certainly can't give permission to marry us. Additionally, we are a website and unless the Defense of Marriage Act is repealed, human beings cannot marry websites or other things on the internet (such as FTP sites or IRC chat rooms). Your views on what a marriage should be are antiquated and wrong. Someone needs to put down Scott Peterson's autobiography and pick up Scott Brown's instead.

    Dear One Year In Texas,
    Stop spending all of our taxes! The internet costs money and we're tired as citizens for having to pay for your mistakes. All you do all day is sit around and be a website, while we're out here working for a living to pay for your government handouts and pork barrel politics. Then you go and bail out all the banks with money you stole from the box I keep above the refrigerator! THEN, you told us we couldn't watch Nash Bridges anymore because you didn't pay the cable bill!! This is worse than segregation. Any questions?

    Sincerely,
    Guy Who Flew The Plane Into The IRS Building Mistaking it for One Year In Texas Headquarters


    Jake: I happen to have a question, what is your fucking problem, Guy? I don't know why you would want to watch Nash Bridges, although now that I think about it I sort of do, too. Still, I have no idea why I have anything to do with your watching of anything starring Don Johnson or Cheech Marin. Sure, I may spend your tax dollars occasionally to buy a new bong or a pair of limited edition Nikes, but I don't see why it's such a big deal. You spend my tax money on cans of cat food and novelty sunglasses that are just too ludicrously big to actually make anybody laugh, only afraid. While we may not agree on much, I think we can at least agree to disagree on this issue and move onto something much bigger like raising money for our nation's underfunded Holocaust museums.

    Your website is a total FAIL. I found your site searching some great memes on Google and I was really hoping for lulz but I was more like :(. This site is not funny! I don't get the jokes. Is the joke that you all have learning disabilities? I know it's not because I'd get and love that joke. Please write more articles about memes and less articles about Gallagher, Pollocks and David Spade.


    Glenn: I'm so glad to hear you were searching for memes on the internet. That's like looking for Little Debbie snacks at a Trader Joe's. Of course the site isn't funny - nor should it be. We continue to write articles about David Spade because we thought that was the only way to ensure nothing we said ever made people laugh. Turns out we were right. Speaking of learning disabilities, did you know David Spade has dyslexia? Pretty impressive he got so far in life with a learning disability like that. Also, he isn't funny. These two things never held him back as a comedian and why should they hold us back?

    OMG I READ THE ARTICLE ABOUT GOOD MORNING AND I THOUGHT IT WAS SOOOOOO FUNNY. IT MADE ME LAUGH LIKE WHEN PEOPLE WERE TALKING ABOUT THE WEATHER AND SHIT. LOL WHO TALKS ABOUT THE WEATHER ON THE WEBSITE? I MEAN INTERNET. IF I WANTED TO KNOW THE WEATHER I'D WALK OUTSIDE. I'M NOT IN A WHEELCHAIR....ANYMORE. ANYWAY KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK AND KEEP TELLING ME GOOD MORNING. YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES.


    Jake: I'm glad that you enjoy our Good Morning articles and that you are no longer in a wheelchair. Now, before all the people in wheelchairs start calling our complaint line, I think we should set the record straight. Being in a wheelchair is not cool or fun, at least not if you have to be in one. It is a disadvantage. I think people are still going to take this the wrong way and if I keep apologizing then people with Downs Syndrome are going to be mad at me too. So let's cut our losses and I'll just say thanks again. We'll continue to discuss the weather no matter how boring it happens to be.

    Hey guys, what the fuck? I heard you guys were going to write an article about the hilarious American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken. I wait and I wait and I wait and I wait. Still, no article about Clay motherfuckin' Aiken. I feel like if you are going to promise an article about Clay Aiken the least you could do is write an article about fucking Clay Aiken!!!! Is it too much to ask for you to follow through on your promises? I have never let a website break a promise and I'm not about to start.

    -Paul


    Bub: Dear Paul,

    While I personally have written dozens of articles about hilarious American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken, they are simply too personal to publish. Perhaps I can redirect you to our numerous articles that feature Nate talking about, or directly to Glenn. They are not as inspiring as the private articles I have written about hilarious American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken, but they give you insight into the modern American friendship and bluegrass, and the complicated intersection of the two.


    Dear website,

    I have been reading 1 Year in Texas since I found the site while searching for articles about Saved by the Bell and interracial dating. I'm a Nepalese American but very interested in dating someone from former French Africa. Your website was not the most hopeful in finding tips. Could you write some articles about this?


    Bub: Dear Paul again,

    It appears as though you have not been reading the articles of Mikey. He happens to be a former French African and makes extremely veiled references to wanting to date Nepalese Americans by way of prattling on endlessly about hamburger trees. You can contact Mikey at mikey@oneyearintexas.com to ask him and his wife out, and you can also view a nude photo of the two here.

    Wednesday is for Lovers

    By Nate

    Mick Foley? I don't know who he is, but since this site is part SBTB fan fiction and part pro-wrestling fan site with a dash of politics, I think this clip will be appreciated by most of our loyal readers:

    Crumbums & Fatcats
    The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
    www.thedailyshow.com
    Daily Show
    Full Episodes
    Political HumorHealth Care Reform


    HUMP DAY REVIEW

    Really, all I want from this week is for health care reform to pass. At the time I am writing this, I have no idea what's going to happen with the bill. Either way, this week will be known for this vote, and Glenn will tell the children he will raise in the future the story of this week as he drives them to Disneyland.

    HOLLYWOOD

    This month a professional actor has been living in my house while he shoots a movie here. His name is AJ Bowen. Here is his IMDB page. This is what he looks like:



    Yesterday he told me he used to live with Brian Burton, AKA Danger Mouse. That is pretty awesome since he just released a new album with James Mercer from The Shins. The album is called Broken Bells.

    TODAY'S MUSIC VIDEO:



    Not much of a video I guess; just the photo of the album cover.

    TODAY'S PREDICTION:

    Mick Foley, AJ Bowen, and Danger Mouse will collaborate on a multimedia film and music project that will tell the story of the health care reform battle of 2009-2010 through the thick satirical lens of professional wrestling. Disneyland will commission a ride based off that project, and Glenn's children will be demoralized when they learn that after a 24-hour, cross-country road trip to Disney Land, during which they only listened to Glenn talk about health care, that they can only ride the new health care/pro wrestling themed ride in the park.

    Debate: Should Denial of the Holocaust be Illegal?

    By Jake and Glenn 

    Free speech is a complicated issue and everyone on the left side of the political spectrum is in agreement that it defines who we are as a society. In European countries, it is also part of who they are. Europe is also where the Holocaust happened. If you are not familiar with the Holocaust, you probably went to public schools. It was an event/situation in the late 30s and into the 40s where the Third Reich killed eleven million people. Almost everyone on the left side of the political spectrum thinks that this was a wrong event, but some conspiracy theorists on the right feel that the world is just wrong about the event. They think it never happened. Do they have the right to say this or does free speech collide with the standards of decency we try to hold in the enlightened world?

    Jake: Should the denial of the Holocaust be Illegal? Are you seriously asking me this question? Of course it should be illegal. The only kind of person who would think that denying the Holocaust should be legal is an anti-Semite. I might be a lot of things, but I'm sure as heck not a racist like Glenn. I enjoy the more mild things in life such as opium and t-bone steaks. I'm not a rabid lunatic spouting racist propaganda and if you are then you deserve to pay a $500 fine. If you want to deny the Holocaust in the privacy of your own home, that's fine, as long as me and my children don't have to hear you denying the Holocaust in public.

    Glenn: Jake raises several interesting points here, without being inflammatory on what is certainly a hot issue. He argues that holocaust denial is fine as long as you do it in the privacy of your own home. While I appreciate this sentiment, I think holocaust denial should be allowed out in the open just as homosexuality. While holocaust denial is a choice and homosexuality is given to you by your parents as a genetic gift, we can't outlaw either. No one LIKES holocaust deniers and least of all me. (I am half Jewish by birth.) But there are plenty of things I don't like that we can't just outlaw: post-rap, parachute pants, prayer, et cetera. Holocaust denial is to me in the same category, especially because it's as futile as praying. The Holocaust happened and no amount of denying can change it.

    Jake: All things that are publicly illegal (drug use, burning a flag, murder, etc.) are harmless when committed in the privacy of your own home. If you want to teach your children that Jews and Gypsies are our inferiors that is your prerogative. If you want to publicly teach a group of children in the park that the Holocaust never happened...well buddy, now we have a big problem. We may have the freedom to say whatever we want (barring you don't say you're going to kill the president), but don't we also have the right to not hear things if we don't want to? If a record has sexual lyrics, do we not slap a sticker on the album? I'm not saying that we should slap a sticker on a anti-Semite conspiracy theorist, but I'm also not saying that it's a bad idea.

    Glenn: I know you said you weren't saying we should slap a sticker in a Holocaust denier, but that might be a good compromise. We can't just ban ideas from the public sphere because we don't like them. Not to mention the sentencing issue! Are you going to send someone to jail just for believing something that isn't true? If that's the case we better build a lot more jails in Utah to house all the Mormons. I prefer my jails to house white-collar criminals and rapists, not people who argue that videos from concentration camps were manipulated by Golda Meir, Harry Truman and Shel Silverstein. These people should of course be ridiculed, but with the ultimate ridicule of all: the death penalty. Let's save that for the Mormons.

    Jake: If anything good comes out of this debate (and I sincerely hope nothing does) it should be that Holocaust deniers are forced to wear stickers. Also, not everything that is illegal results in time in jail or prison. Denying the Holocaust could merely be a fine as I stated earlier (with the sum being $500). We could use this money to fund Holocaust museums. I know that a lot of Holocaust museums are underfunded and can't even afford to buy a lampshade made of a Jew's skin. I say that this problem (publicly denying the Holocaust) could also be the solution to a larger problem (underfunded Holocaust museums).

    Glenn: I never thought in my college educated life I could be convinced to support this kind of restriction on free speech, but Jake has made a point here that even a Holocaust denier or Mormon couldn't deny. I apologize for that pun but I will never apologize for Holocaust deniers. They are scum and the kind of vile lies they bring into our academic worlds and FM radios are enough to make me vomit and then convert back to Judaism. But instead of doing that I will draft an initiative to be put on the ballot here in California that would classify Holocaust denial as a class D misdemeanor, with no punishment besides having to wear a sticker saying "Grade A Mormon."

    Life With Mikey [3-15-10]

    By Mikey 

    I just spent all weekend helping my wife garden. Talk about an awful way to spend a weekend. I don't even like green peppers that much! I'll enjoy gardening when I can grow a hamburger tree.



    I'm already excited to play some Marco Polo.

    If chess is anything like checkers then I'm terrible at it.

    I'm always cranky until I get a Big Breakfast in me.

    Where have all of the storks gone?

    Manatees are not as manly as their name would suggest. They sort of look like melting ice cream.

    I have nightmares about the claw machine scene in Toy Story.

    Just because a koala eats eucalyptus doesn't mean I want it in my soap, lotion or toothpaste. What does a koala know anyway? Nothing.

    If you say "soups on" and there's no soup, you're a jerk.

    Pineapples are prickly, which is why I rarely buy them fresh. It's usually chunks for me.

    Hollywood is too busy making movies about people dying to make ones about people living.

    Why doesn't Beetle Bailey ever move up rank? Is that how the army really is?

    The way I make the world a better place is eating whole grain pasta every other time we have spaghetti.

    Emilio Estevez could use a comeback.

    Good Morning Disneyland

    By Glenn 
    As you know, James wishes you a good morning on a typical Monday but this is anything but a typical Monday. For starters, James is dead - or if not dead, at least visiting a very special lady in Massachusetts. Now that they're represented by Scott Brown in the Senate, that state is dead to me. Instead of existential musings on the inherent hostile nature of life, I'm going to talk about my trip to Disneyland yesterday and try to get you prepared for a very rough week.


    Today's Weather
    I almost got sunburnt yesterday while I was at Disney Land. For those of you still reading in North Dakota or the South Pole, think about that. SUN BURNT. IN MARCH!

    I didn't actually get sunburnt, of course, because I was wearing sun block. Sun block repeals the suns waves instead of trapping them in your skin. Our planet needs some sun block. The high today in Fullerton, California is 79 degrees. That's almost hot enough for me to wear hot pants, but not nearly hot enough for me to enjoy it.


    Today's Disney "Place"
    This one is easy: DISNEY LAND. That's where I spent all day yesterday with my sister and nephew. They go all the time and have annual passes but I haven't been since the mid 1980s. That was a much different time for the country and for Disney. They didn't own ABC yet and were also involved in a scandal funding the anti-Sandinistas in Nicaragua.

    This is a photo I literally took yesterday. Look at all of these people waiting in lines to go on rides. There were a lot of older people, many kids and also teenagers. The people that were closer to my age were mostly couples experiencing Disneyland in a post-ironic manner. My five year old nephew initially thought the Pirates of the Caribbean ride was going to be too scary, but once we were all on it he realized it was pretty tame. We decided to pass on the Texas Chainsaw Massacre ride, though. It seemed scary and was based on the remake not the original. My sister experienced a lot of problems with the Disney bureaucracy and I got "the bends" when we docked after the Finding Nemo submarine ride, but in general it was a pleasant experience. I plan to bring children back there some day - hopefully my own.


    Today's Time Tip
    I have bad news. In case you didn't realize, Daylight Savings Time ended Saturday night. You've probably been living your life since then under the false assumption that time hadn't shifted. When sat down with your family to eat dinner last night at 6pm it was actually 5pm. And that wasn't your real family. Glenn's Time Tip for the day is: Set your clock ahead one hour you bozo! The rest of the world already did.


    Today's Prediction
    I will once again be sued for libel by the Disney corporation. My sister will represent me in court and one of our defense witnesses will be my nephew. Part of his testimony will involve being scared at the Pirates of the Caribbean ride but Disney attorney Marcia Clarke will catch him in a contradiction and the case will fall apart. We'll be forced to settle out of court for an undisclosed sum and the promise that I will never again observe Daylight Savings Time.