Emails From Mom! Part 1

By Nate

From time to time our mothers will pass along emails they receive from their friends who are over 45 years old and forward every crazy email they receive. Whether or not they believe the email is crazy is debatable. You could check Snopes, but when the email already says it's Snopes approved, why bother? Anyway, I'm sure you have received a chain email before, so I'll just let you read these:



CBS Did Not Stop Him!
Good for them!

CBS DIDN'T STOP HIM- THIS IS GREAT - Good for him!!!
Surprised CBS let him get away with this, even though he's right!



Andy Rooney said on '60 Minutes' a few weeks back:

'I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The
only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, which is why there are no
girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE ?

I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.

I have the right 'NOT' to be tolerant of others because they are different,
weird, or tick me off.

When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling; it is the Law of Probability.

I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a news paper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!

My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.

I think the police should have every right to shoot you if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word 'freeze' or 'stop' in
English, see the above lines..

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.

We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars
to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document and open to their interpretations.

I don't hate the rich; I don't pity the poor.

I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.

It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to
stand up to the kid and say 'NO!' when necessary.

I think tattoos and piercings are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!

I am sick of 'Political Correctness.' I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa, so how can they be 'African-Americans'? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.

And if you don't like my point of view, tough...

I
PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE
TO THE FLAG,
OF THE UNITED
STATES
OF AMERICA
, AND TO THE REPUBLIC,
FOR WHICH IT STANDS, ONE NATION
UNDER GOD,
INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY
AND JUSTICE
FOR ALL!


It is said that 86% of Americans believe in God.. Therefore I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a problem in having 'In God We Trust' on our money and having 'God' in the Pledge of Allegiance. Why don't we just tell the 14% to BE QUIET!!!

X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X

Scroll through the attached for info in the presentation.

You will never see this event again!





One Week in Entertainment

By Glenn 

Do you remember Thundercats? In the off chance you don't operate in a world of paranoid nostalgia or fail to infantilize yourself, let me remind you: it was a cartoon! The person who created it was MURDERED in Florida. They arrested the guy who did it though. The only person who can legally commit murder in Florida is LeBron James.

Poor Mel Gibson has been dropped from William Morris, the Hollywood talent agency. This isn't because he lacks talent (though he does) but rather because of the incendiary voicemails he left for LeBron James or his ex-girlfriend, which are now available here. This guy can't catch a fucking break!

The girl Lindsay Lohan used to date has attacked Joan Rivers for attacking Lindsay Lohan with jokes. You can't be mad at Joan Rivers for making fun of someone - that is her raison d'etre. That's like me criticizing Lindsay Lohan for getting drunk or Mel Gibson for being a wooden actor.

The person that is married to Tori Spelling was in an accident and it has been hard on the kids. This man's name is Dean and he is one half of arguably the worst "reality" show on television. Watching the previews for it is the only thing worse than actually watching the show, as the producers/editors try to compile scenes of a sad, banal 22 minutes into 1.


The biggest story of the week was the capture and subsequent release of the Emmy nominations. The usual dramas did great - Dexter, Breaking Bad, Mad Men, Skin, etc. - and the usual comedies also received some great nominations - The Office, 2.5 Men, One Day in April, 30 Rock. For some reason Lost was nominated for Best Drama despite this final season being the worst in the show's run. Additionally, Community was shut out and Parks and Rec was, some say, criminally under-nominated. The LA County Prosecutor will decide if actual criminal charges should be brought.

Finally, if I'm allowed to consider the World Cup as entertainment, the final is tomorrow. This will be the highest rated sporting event of the year, so you better make plans to watch it. The teams are both European, which appeals to the Eurocentric, racist society we affectionately call "America." Hopefully the score will be 2-2 and go into overtime and then penalty kicks. That would be the best football World Cup final ever! Whoever wins this game will have bragging rights for the next four years, just like President Obama.

Good Morning LeBron James

By Keelin 



LeBron, I'm going to be honest -- I had never heard of you until yesterday. Then I was informed by multiple people that you are a celebrity athlete who plays a sport that Americans actually care about. Then I was told I better start caring about you or I would be put on the no-fly list. I was even more surprised to learn that you played for a basketball team in Cleveland, a city I had previously believed to have been turned into a used car lot circa 1987. Anyway, good for you! And good morning.

Today's LeBron James Forecast



Your new hometown, Miami, is pretty hot this time of year. Luckily, the soft ocean breezes keep the people cool and the beaches coated with a fine mist of crude oil.

Today's LeBron James Fact



LeBron James is dating Lady Gaga. At least I haven't heard otherwise.

Today's LeBron James Prediction



LeBron James will make a lot of money playing professional sports and endorsing consumer products. I mean, honestly -- what did you think was going to happen to him?

The Night Parade





By Bub 


'Act normal, and you may be able to escape without being lynched,' I thought to myself. I leaned up against an orange and white traffic horse that marked the parade route. It was dusk, and no sign yet of a parade. The idea of a night parade seemed dangerous, and in that sense, intriguing. But the idea of a parade, in general, seemed as dull as you'd imagine. The children laid their blanket across an oil stain in the street just past the crosswalk. The smell of a midsummer night in western Illinois is pleasant - fresh air, corn, cow manure, with faint hints of sweat, bug spray, cheap beer. We had forgotten lawn chairs, my grandma had to ease herself down onto the curb.

"Notre Dame's got a team for every sport" a slightly drunk, tire-and-lube supervisor at Farm & Fleet behind me said to his friend, who worked the hardware counter. "Yep," he continued, "they got a team for every sport, and not a one's any good!" The Punchline. "Huh!" commended the friend. Presumably that was a knock against Catholics - the first I'd heard in a decade that didn't have to do with child rape...

Flashes of red and blue breached the horizon of the hill straight ahead. No sirens went off and the lights in the dark distant, in relative silence, made the parade seem more ominous than it should - like we were trying to catch a glimpse of mangled bodies from a safe distance; or like a slow motion scene at the end of a getaway when the police arrive at the motel, or at the abandoned church, and all hope is lost. Municipal vehicles approached, lights flashing, one after another. The children were confused until some of them started to throw candy. A few tardy patriotic revelers weaved their vehicles shamelessly through the orange cones and fire trucks to get to parking spaces. This created an absurd spectacle that was like parents at a school play entering through the stage in the middle of the first act. They negotiated the parade with jerking starts and sharp turns. No one seemed to notice. The children were mesmerized by candy and the Hope of candy, and the adults were hypnotized by the flashing lights and the escape from normalcy.

After every last city vehicle had been proudly displayed the event descended into something more akin to a traditional parade - floats, cars with proud people waving, elderly men costumed and sullen. There were tropical island themed floats jarringly interspersed with patriotic displays and karate demonstrations. One float featured an American flag and a cross fashioned out of two tree branches, in front of a white sheet that seemed to admonish rather than state; "Two enduring symbols of freedom." I was disappointed when there was no sponsor attached to the back - "Amen" was all it said. I was hoping for 'brought to you by Ogilvie's Pharmacy - the Christian Nationalist Drug Store'. Or maybe a cartoon of a soldier wearing an over-sized cross around his neck, shooting our way to freedom.

Then there was an even more perplexing float. On it was a standing ply-wood cut-out simulating the iconic photograph of soldiers raising the flag at Iwo Jima. Only, it wasn't soldiers raising the flag, it was fire-fighters. It was a comical conflation of post 9-11 militarism and civil society, where we are At War, and each one of us are interchangeable in the conflict against the Muslims. They Hate Our Freedoms. I am sure if asked, the designer of the float would protest 'it's about them being heroes'. But fire-fighters were never regarded as Heroes before they became victims of terrorism. Now, Joe Wifebeat can volunteer 5 hours a week playing cards with buddies at the fire station, and feel like he is part of The Fight.

This is what it means to search for meaning in oppressively conservative rural America - part delusion, part hopelessness, part fear. In a place where even the local Democratic Party's float was just a sandwich board with a speaker blaring Lee Greenwood's 'God Bless the USA', there is no room for equivocation; these people are scared straight. Fear causes the 'rally around the flag' effect, sometimes literally, and what these people DO have is each other. When times are hard, instead of examining the ideological flaws of economic conservatism, they become even more brazen in opposition to The Other, nearly psychotic. The plastics factory worker that just got kicked off of unemployment benefits, is too busy questioning whether the son of an African is allowed by The Constitution to keep prayer out of school and send welfare checks to Mexico; than to worry about what led him to where he is today and what to do about it. Instead of jeering at the excess of the 12 foot elephant statue that the local Republican party towed through the streets, it drew the most oohs and aahs of the night.

I have to say though, I too was impressed; it was a giant elephant. Any organization that can produce a giant elephant on demand has to be on to something. Symbols are comforting, much more comforting than horrible reality. It's pleasant to watch the approximation of bombs and explosions by way of a 4th of July fireworks display. Much less so to watch the grisly destruction those things cause in real life. The fireworks that night were accompanied by patriotic tunes. One made this declaration about America:

It's a big 'ol land with countless dreams
Happiness ain't out of reach
Hard work pays off the way it should
Yeah, I've seen enough to know that we've got it good
Where the stars and stripes and the eagle fly

The unemployed plastics worker nodded along blissfully. The song went on:

There's a lady that stands in a harbor
For what we believe
And there's a bell that still echoes
The price that it cost to be free

I pledge allegiance to this flag
And if that bothers you, well that's too bad
But if you got pride and you're proud you do
Hey, we could use some more like me and you
Where the stars and stripes and the eagle fly

The lady standing in the harbor is now a symbol of a symbol. Sure, this is what it says at her base:

Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me

But now we project our vision onto lady liberty, of her locking up America's gates and throwing away the key. After that she supervises the construction of giant barricades made from assault rifles and burning crosses, keeping Blue America (and black and brown and yellow America) out of Red America.

They went on to play 'Born In The USA' which is a much more poignant and reality based reflection on America's failings and our love of it despite its imperfections. And that is how I feel about rural western Illinois. I may complain and chastise, but it's only because I am inextricably linked to this place and these people. It is my home; these people are my friends and family. And I love them all. So, while one side of me silently chides the people around me at the fireworks display for celebrating militant violence and xenophobic rage; the other side nods along to the beat, smiles at the exuberant squeals from my four year old daughter, and marvels at the magnificent explosions in the sky.

Spy Swap!

By James 

Recently, the United States arrested 10 people pretending to be spies so they could escape Russia and own a home of their own, and also dig up bags of free money from a field in upstate New York. And also write in invisible marker, which I always unsuccessfully tried to find a secret use for when I was a kid. (At least we landed on the moon before them.)

Everyone is talking about the impending spy swap between the cold war loser Russia and the cold war winner the United States of America. Even the Russians are taking time out of being upset about being conquered by the Mongols to read about this, so it is every American’s duty to read more about it than them, before there is a “knowledge of spy story” gap.

In this Spy vs. Spy comic-esque drama, the U.S. dropped a bomb containing 10 recently arrested spies on Russia’s head, killing it, until the next issue. The 10 Russian spies will be exchanged for 9 of our spies, which is the going exchange rate for a spy swap. One of our spies is named Igor, or some other equally grotesque name, according to his mother, who is named as a source for some of this information by a journalist.

Do you know that the Russians initially denied this and then agreed to this spy swap? This isn’t some bullshit you can find on Craigslist. This is a spy swap, jerks. Just to clear things up, Barack and Leon did not post a Craigslist ad asking if anyone wants to swap 9 U.S. spies for 10 “like-new” Russian spies. They just said to Russia, “we have some of your fucking spies, dudes, and we want to do a spy swap.” However, I once read a “missed connections” I thought may’ve been posted by Leon Panetta: “i saw u sell plans for a nuclear bomb to iran and n korea… u looked sexy and had the sexiest russ accent like out of a james bond movie. did u notice me? respond with ‘sexy russ spy’ in the headline, otherwise it will delete it like spam.” I digress…

During the cold war, spying was all the rage. The Russia and the U.S. each tried to keep at least a literal stable full of spies in the other’s nation to do all kinds of crazy espionage, such as steal state secrets, like, “Kruschev is such a hotty.” It used to be pretty crazy, some people called the Rosenbergs were executed for alleged spying. However, this one is really not so bad. According to this guy quoted in a LA Times article, “’However this time it will have a somewhat farcical connotation," Kortunov said. "The alleged spies arrested in the United States didn't really achieve anything in terms of espionage, while Sutyagin, many human rights activists believe, was not a spy either, and his conviction was purely political.’" Whenever anyone calls anything farcical, I am always on-board. And yes, I did just quote an article quoting someone else—we live in a post-modern world where journalism like this is standard.

It seems to me, though, that both the U.S. and the Russia are trying to hush up all the excitement, so it won’t strain recently improved U.S.-Russian relations (Obama “liked” a picture of Medvedev giving a thumbs-up on Facebook), when it should drag on as long as possible. Don’t we live in America?

So, perhaps nothing really happened, but it’s still pretty cool. Someone should probably write a memoir or Tom Clancy novel about this after all the bad press blows over.

Career Corner - Scam Bait [Job Scam Bait]

By Glenn 

There are many things I cannot do as well as Bub and writing scam bait columns is one of them. However, in the course of pathetically applying for administrative assistant jobs on the New York City Craiglist, I come across responses that should be shared with the larger community. Consider this a career corner advice article on how to deal with overseas recruiters that want you to shop for things.


from mbn vnnb
subject EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for responding to my advert. & sorry it took so long to reply you back, i have a bad signal that was why I would love to meet up with you
to talk about this job but I am currently away on business. I am in
Estonia so there will be no interview. I will prepay you in advance to
do my shopping. I will also have my mails and packages forwarded to
your address. If you will be unable to stay at your house to get my
mails, I can have it shipped to a post office near you and then you
can pick it up at your convenience. When you get my mails/packages;
you are required to mail them to where I want them mailed to. You
don't have to put money out of your pocket, all you have to do is
have packages shipped to your house and do my shopping. You are
allowed to open the packages to reveal its content. The content of
the packages are computer and electronics, clothing business and
personal letters. All expenses and taxes will be covered by me. You
will work between 15 and 20hrs a month.. How much will you charge per
month? I will pay you $400 weekly. That is not a bad offer is it? I
need your service because I am constantly out of town. I am Self
Employed and I own a Artworks store here in Estonia. I will return to
United States by End of July so this process will be on going
till then. If you don't mind, I will meet up with you when I return
and then we can talk about the possibility of making this long term.
Well let me know if you are able to handle the position.

I will email you the list and pictures of what to shop for me when I
am ready. No heavy packages is involved! You can do the shopping at
Sears, Walmart, and other stores... You will be shopping for
Electronics and clothing. I will provide you my UPS account number
for Shipping. All you have to do is to provide you my UPS Account
Number and bill the shipping charges on it. I will provide clear set
of instructions for each task I need done as well the funds to cover
them. If I were to mail you money to do my shopping plus upfront
payment for your service, where would you want it mailed to? How
should your name appear on the money? so if you still have interest
reply me back with all this following details.


Full Name :
Address (Include Apt Number if Available):
City:
State:
Zip Code:
Residential Phone Number:
Mobile:
Age:

Sincerely,

NB: The Payment Will Be In Money Order,and if you are interested kindly Email Back... on this new email that i do normally check most of the time which is (jameslkennedy@hotmail.com)

Best Regards

James Kennedy
Address: Lauteri 32
City: Tallinn , 10114
Country: Estonia
Tel: +372 110 1320

James,

Thanks for responding to my application. & sorry it took so long to write you back. I have also been experiencing serious, debilitating problems with my signal, which is like yours based in Estonia. I appreciate your disappointment in not being able to meet with me and it appears we will just be missing each other. You state that you will be returning to United States at the end of July, but I will be traveling to Tallinn in August for the 70th anniversary of their annexation by the Soviet Union. I have two connecting flights - in Greenland and Tripoli. Perhaps we could arrange a meeting at one of the two. Please reply to let me know your availability.

I am a little surprised that this administrative assistant position seems more like a personal shopper, but I am still very interested. I already do a lot of shopping at Sears and Walmart, so I should have no problem picking up computer and electronics for you, not to mention clothing business. I do not know how familiar you are with American department and chain stores, but there are a few others that might be useful for these shopping projects. I am able, through my connections in politics, to find great deals on both used tires and materials you would need to illegally wiretap someone's telephone system.

Unfortunately, we need to discuss the financial terms of this arrangement. I am sure that from the perspective of an Artworks store owner in Estonia, $400 per week for 15-20 hours of work seems like a reasonable rate. However in New York City, there is a 50% excise tax on all incoming postage and the nearest post office is in Trenton, New Jersey. This will require me to drive a car through multiple toll roads and fill the gas tank with Premium or Ultimate gas (whichever is more expensive). For these reasons I am asking that the rate be appended to $400 per day. This may seem like a much higher rate, but I am willing to also work 15-20 hours a day for one month, in order to compulsively find the best deals on computers and electronics and personal letters.

I will wait twenty-four hours for your reply, and then I will call you collect at your Estonian telephone number provided. I am not sure of the time difference between United States and Estonia, so I will wait 48 hours here in the hopes that will be 24 hours from this email receipt for you.

Thank you so much for this offer and I look forward to speaking to you over email, telephone or personal letter very soon.

Sincerely,
Glenn

Retro Good Morning

By Glenn 

One year ago today was a much different time in our country's history. Al Franken was sworn in as US Senator after a grueling, legally exhaustive waste of everyone's time. Health care reform was on the verge of being passed and Iraq banned visits to Saddam Hussein and Elvis Presley's graves.

Here at OYIT, Ingrid wrote a late good morning post (not unlike the one you are reading now). In it, she talks about obsessively washing her hair and introduces us to the band Yeasayer. Let's take a trip back to a more innocent time in our lives with this retro good morning post.

By Ingrid 

What the heck?! Where is this morning's good morning post? I thought something felt a little off, and now I realize this is it -- the absence of OYIT's daily greeting, which I have come to rely upon as much as oxygen, fresh water, and Pert Plus Anti-Dandruff Shampoo and Conditioner.

What do you mean, "insert rest of post here"?! There IS no rest of this post! I'm not even supposed to BE here right now! I'm at work, people! WORKING! Yes, I'm still working out here in AZ...just because I live with hippies on a commune does not necessarily mean that I am one. I also still take showers, though the frequency has decreased noticeably.

So I just stopped by to admonish you for slacking on the good mornings ("you" being a general term to include anyone who has ever written one before [excepting myself since I don't have internet at my house since hippies don't believe in technology unless it is the sort of technology that helps transport them to a DMB concert or bring Jerry back from the dead].)

I feel like I should at least post a video while I'm here. One of my new hippie friends introduced me to Yeasayer (reminds me a lot of Fleet Foxes, who everyone but Jake and Benito Mussolini loves). Then he tried to sleep with me. Everyone here tries to sleep with everyone else, but you'll be happy to know I've remained relatively chaste so far.



Good Morning!

Lindsay Lohan: Truthful Actor in the Role of Life

By Jake 

A lot of people think a lot of things about Lindsay Lohan, but some of those people are wrong. It's the law of averages, look it up. Lindsay cannot be as bad as people or photographers make her out. I believe that Lohan is a model citizen like you or me. Just like us, she sometimes gets superbly drunk and falls down at a high-profile film festival. She is, after all, only human.

Lindsay Lohan is a commendable person. She is one of the few "out" celebrities. Obviously, the entertainment industry is filled with homosexuals, but far from bursting with pride. Many industry gays are too afraid to be open about their sexuality because it could limit their roles. They feel they will only get cast as the gay character in a feature film, network television show or Top 40 song. Lindsay Lohan has not created a Top 40 hit in ten years and certainly does not care about appearing in films or TV programs. That is why I consider her a hero, as opposed to Falcon Heene's parents, who are obsessesed with appearing on TV so much that they created an elaborate balloon hoax that captured the nation's attention, heart and imagination.

The reason people hate Lindsay is because she is too real, too honest. While your average Joe Sixpack and Jane Redbull feign sobriety in front of friends or co-workers, Lindsay is often black-out drunk or passed out in a stranger's or ex-girlfriend's shrubbery. The reason people are against Lindsay is that she questions their own existence by her truthful actions. If everybody was a truthful actor then Lindsay would be the megastar she is poised to be.

I do think Lindsay Lohan is a talented actress and a truthful actor in the role of life, but I understand why a producer or director would not want her on the set of their movie. She could potentially show up drunk or on drugs and be a disruptance. For now I understand. When Lindsay cleans herself up she is going to be bigger than ten Kathrerine Heigls. We may have to wait a few years, but when it happens we will all be better for having waited. Those who have flayed Lohan for her "immature" and drunken/drugged-out actions will have to silently repent as Lindsay's star soars like a phoenix. While we wait for Lindsay Lohan's acting career to turn around, we can enjoy the perfumes she creates, the clothes she designs and the sidewalks she drunkenly tumbles on.

People sit idly by judging Lindsay while cheering on Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. These young women are liars and crazy. Paris Hilton has no discernible talent, and her album and acting gigs are the proof. Britney Spears is a popular singer-- or at least was seven years ago. It seems like it's been quite a while since she released anything worth noting, yet people still act like she is amazing and an inspiration. She is even treated as a bigger gay icon than Lohan. The only thing Spears has ever inspired me to do is shave my head. Lindsay inspires me to be a better person and to stay inside when I am drunk. Those are the kind of lessons that I will teach my children.

Good Morning French Connection

By Glenn 

Good morning. Last night some friends and I watched the French Connection on a big screen TV in Bryant Park. I had never seen this film before, even though I have been told it was "directly applicable" to my life. As it turns out, it is an allegory for both the War in Afghanistan and search for the Book of Secrets in National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets. Gene Hackman is a take no prisoners police officer, much in the same way Stanley McChrystal was a no-holds-barred-say-anything type of commander. In the French Connection, the search is for drugs and justice - neither of which are found. I assume that is like NT2:BoS though I have not seen it and can only guess the plot from the trailer and promotional posters that have been defaced on the New York City subway.


Today's Weather

There are no euphemisms to discuss how hot it is. Today's high will be 99 fucking degrees. I grew up in a very hot jungle not unlike the picture above, so I do know about heat. But this is a concrete jungle and that's something altogether different. Lying on the ground watching the French Connection when the stench of sweat and the heat from human bodies all around you really puts things into perspective. Also, the sun is unrelenting. Children are melting on the sidewalks, and white Americans like myself are getting sunburnt. My roommate Stephen made the point that it was hotter here than on the sun but my other roommate Stephanie pointed out that it is 150 degrees on the sun which is 1.5 times as hot as New York. So the sun is hotter than here - case closed!


Today's Indie Rock Band

I love Wolf Parade! There I said it and I don't expect to get a bunch of hate mail from anti-Canadian bigots and classical music fans. Their first album Apologies to the Queen Mary is one of my favorite records of 1991 and their second album At Mount Zoomer was pretty good too. I saw them in concert 606 days ago and had a lot of fun, which was partially do to me ingesting angel dust before the show. Their new album Expo 86 is also the name of a Death Cab for Cutie song.


Today's Prediction
I'll get tickets to see Wolf Parade on July 13th at Terminal 5 (with openers The French Connections) but that day all the buses will melt and C.H.U.D.s will take over the subways at long last. [C.H.U.D.s are Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers for those who don't know.] Popping his head out of a sewer cap a C.H.U.D. will take a shot at me and I will chase it through the catacombs of New York City until I shoot it unarmed in the back like Bernard Goetz did to those black kids in 1984.

Life with Mikey (7-5-10)

By Mikey 

Fourth of July was yesterday and no serious injuries. I did burn my finger lighting bottle rockets, but that isn't too bad. They always say you're going to blow your arm off with fireworks, but I've never had a problem and I love fireworks.



Jeff Goldblum needs to save us from these darn remakes.

Where are the advancements in fireworks I've been hearing about since the late 80s?

Casper the ghost was friendly, but who needs a ghost as a friend?

Why do they call it boxing when there are no boxes involved? They should call it punching.

Rob Schneider gets to write movies?

Frosted Flakes are just okay.

My summer diet goal is to not have a snow cone.

I don't know why, but I have a huge craving for a turkey sandwich.

"Weird" Al and Sinbad the Sailor are two of my heros.

I hate graffiti. It's not art!

Godzilla should star in more movies.

Kids today don't appreciated a Supersoaker 50, they're all about the Supersoaker 500!

The rule "whoever smelt it dealt it" doesn't make sense.

There are tragically not very many movies where cars kill people.

Larry Bird should star in a buddy/action movie.

Debate: Should We Celebrate the Fourth of July?

By Glenn & Jake 

The Fourth of July marks the anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence and the release of the huge blockbuster film Independence Day. This day is often celebrated by attending a barbecue, lighting off fireworks and dying in a drunk driving accident. All three of those things are as American as apple pie, but none taste quite as delicious. While getting drunk and lighting off fireworks is an American tradition, we will end up spending a great deal of the fifth of July cleaning firework debris off of our lawns, and during this we will silently ask ourselves," Should we celebrate the Fourth of July?"

Glenn: The answer is a resounding "no." There is nothing wrong, inherently, with recognizing the fact that America's independence was the first step towards a 500 year project that will end with the destruction of the Earth. I am proud to be a citizen of a country that can graciously lose its World Cup game to Ghana and at the same time produce the kind of violent, ignorant rhetoric of the Tea Party movement. I draw the line at the way we celebrate the Fourth of July though. Just look at some of the recent tweets about this holiday.

  • "Niggas kill me. They party and bullshit the rest of the year then become online activists on the 4th of July & Thanksgiving. Kindly, stfu.
  • Freedom is the oxygen of the soul! Happy 4th of July!
  • Breakfast...Then Church...Then the festivitiesssss!! Happy 4th of July everyone!! :)

    Is this the best we can do as a country? Sadly, it is. The Fourth of July should be celebrated no more than my birthday or the anniversary of Amelia Earhart's disappearance. Blowing up Chinese-made fireworks is a stupid way to celebrate America's eventual declaration of DEPENDENCE on them.

    Jake: Glenn, I am sick of your anti-Americanism. America is the greatest country in the world, after China, of course. Our independence from the dastardly Brits and their tea is to be celebrated, much like Cinco de Mayo or Boxing Day. We will all get drunk, eat more ribs than common sense would allow and blow some shit up. Blowing shit up is what this country is all about, just look at Afghanistan. While Glenn thinks he can prove things with a few tweets from some random idiots, I can prove my point with some tweets that I just made up:

  • America is great, I'm glad we celebrate the Fourth of July responsibly.
  • Glenn is wrong, America is great!
  • Luv u America, Luv U!!!!!!

    See, even twitter thinks Glenn is wrong and they have not even read this article yet, in fact, nobody has. God bless America!

    Glenn: Jingoism, patriotism, fascism, absenteeism and other words of that nature describe how Jake and the "other side" view this holiday. I will grant you that China is the greatest country in the world and even further grant you three wishes, as long as all of them involve the abolition of the Fourth of July holiday. The only wish I have ever had, besides to be "Big," is an America where we do not celebrate this wretched holiday. I just saw a story on Fox News about how a man blew off his arm from holding a firework too long. How many more amputees have to be created before we as a collective say "no" to this insanity? I don't want my life to be like Born on the Fourth of July anymore than it already is. I think the best way to celebrate America's military prowess and veterans is to ratify the Kellogg-Briand Pact and outlaw war!

    Jake: Fourth of July is the greatest holiday after Christmas, Halloween, Kwanza, Ramadan, Flag Day, Presidents Day, Dick Van Dyke's birthday and the day commemorating the release of Gremlins 2: The New Batch. To do away with one of the top 20 American holidays would be a crime against the American people the likes of which we haven't seen since George W. Bush's presidency ended. Everybody loves fireworks. They explode and paint the sky like a drunken whore. Ever since man looked to the sky, he has imagined blowing it up and the Fourth of July is the closest we will ever get. I don't understand Glenn's take on this subject. Why would somebody want to get rid of a day that everybody loves so much. My theory is that Glenn is a Grinchian character and we are the inhabitants of Whoville.

    Glenn: I have what some would say is an irrational bias against holidays. I haven't celebrated Christmas, Easter or the release of Gremlins 2 in almost a decade. This is a personal choice I have made, colored by my sociological ideas and reluctance to buy presents. Blowing up things is not a sufficient reason for me to rearrange my life. I don't celebrate the Oklahoma City Bombing on April 19th every year either, even though maybe as a nation we should. We'd certainly be better prepared for whatever new version of Oklahoma City happens during Obama's presidency. What else does it mean to celebrate the Fourth of July? Having a barbecue? Wearing flag shirts from Old Navy? These things are not immoral but they are not worth "celebrating." The last time I bought a hoodie from Old Navy the country didn't shut down in honor of the amazing deal I got. So my point is compound - that the Fourth of July is not worth celebrating and the things that people to do "celebrate" it are irrelevant to the declaration of independence we made from China 234 years ago.

    Jake: The Fourth of July is about our freedom. This is the freedom that allows you to walk into an Old Navy and purchase as many items sewn by children as possible. It is this freedom that allows us, as a country, to watch scat porn on the internet. This freedom is worth celebrating, whether it is by shooting off bottle rockets, eating processed pig anus, reading from the Koran or simply baking a cake in the shape of the contiguous United States. No matter how you choose to celebrate this Fourth of July, you have my blessing.