Today after delivering an English version of his apology, Tiger Woods attempted a Spanish language apology for the Latino community. Tiger Woods studied Spanish for three years in high school nearly a quarter century ago. He averaged a C-. The following is the English translation:
Good morning. I am Tiger of the Forest. Many persons are familiar with my golf match. The profession of sport is mine. I am a large entertainment to many blowing devices, but I am also a small rat. I am here today for that to say 'I feel it' to persons that feel bad from my sex. I have put my heart on the pants of many women. But the heart of my torso is placed upon the head of my wife. Elin is how you know her name. She is from very very north Germany. Her hair is yellow, and she has never placed violence upon me or my pants. It is bad when you say that tree driving is made by wife hits. It is false, and the people that say them are also false and have empty torsos.
Many of my friends have felt my sex to them. Well, not to them, but, for them... for them? They are not entertained by my sex not on my wife. Not that they are entertained by my sex on my wife, but they have unpleasant feelings about them when they watch in their head the sex I have made on beautiful night women.
I know that my statement of feeling is only as good as hamburger bread without hamburgers. I must make hamburger meat out of my actions, and ice out of my pants. Only then will my wife like my face and children will again yell at me for fun and ask me to write on their paper. So to Elin, my family, my friends, and yelling children; I am sorry, I have the smell of a dog, my heart is not a nice person in the past, please forgive me, and excuse me for the sex. God bless you and may you kiss heaven on the torso.
Futuristic Thai is a family style restaurant that serves the palette’s desire for authentic Thai cuisine, and humankind’s wish to know what the future holds in store.
If you have a thirst that only knowledge of the future can quench, have a seat at our battery bar - Minnesota’s first and only full alcoholic bar made out of batteries – while you wait for your table. In the future many things that today are made out of various familiar materials will be made out of batteries. And the slight electric charge emitted by our battery stools will keep you ‘going and going…’ just like that pink bunny who will one day serve as president.
At Futuristic Thai, we set the tone right. In the future, everyone will be millionaires. As you are escorted to your dinner tables you will be literally showered with Thai currency by our house Thai millionaire. No paper napkins here, what is this, the 21st century? Only million dollar bills will be used to wipe things from your body at Futuristic Thai. At Futuristic Thai you will be given a giant pet lizard as will be the fashion three hundred years from now. This lizard is welcome to chew on money scraps or warm its belly on one of our oversized batteries while you enjoy your meal.
For dinner choose from Minnesota’s widest array of authentic Thai cuisine with futuristic influences and attitude. The grains used to make our Drunken Noodles have been genetically modified to be able to actually ingest alcohol to excess causing cellular damage. Try our Millionaire Pad Thai made with strips of giant pet lizard meat, spring onions and topped with chopped million dollar bills and fresh squeezed lime juice. Our House Special is Laksa Soup. Unlike contemporary Laksa recipes, our fish balls contain no fish at all. Instead you will find the most exclusive futuristic ingredients – money paste, coriander and chopped peanuts - stuffed inside a battery casing. This dish will make you feel warm and comfortable. ‘Just like Mom used to make, when she made Laksa Soup three hundred years in the future.’
So if you’re hungry and you are yearning to experience the joys of a simpler lifestyle in a simpler time; if you want to trade in your workaday cares for a house made out of batteries, a giant pet lizard, and millions of dollars worth of delicious Thai food; make it Futuristic Thai.
Despite the burning IRS, the despicable dog-beating taking place in Iowa City, and my co-worker listening to Glenn Beck three feet from me, I AM IN AN AMAZING MOOD RIGHT NOW, and I'm here this morning to pass that onto you. But how? Should I show you cute kitten pictures? Tell stolen jokes? Transcribe Glenn Beck? Transcribe Glenn Beck telling stolen jokes about burning kittens? Actually, that would be fairly enjoyable. But no. Just a simple weather comic:
Hahaha. Global warming only exists if your hat recognizes its existence! Gosh my sides are sore. I hope that helped you start your day off right. Let's roll right into theatrical releases.
Today's Theatrical Releases
The Ghost Writer (Rated PG-13 for successfully raping little girls and still being declared a decent person.)
Synopsis: When a ghost writer, charged with the exciting opportunity to complete the memoirs of British Prime Minister Adam Lang (Pierce Brosnan) up and dies from a mysterious accident, the remaining pages are left to another; The Ghost (Ewan McGregor). He's flown out to a remote island mansion owned by the prime minister, and immediately finds himself amongst a press frenzy. News comes about that Lang may be in cahoots with the CIA, helping them torture one suspected terrorist after another. The Ghost is struck with the possibility that Lang may have a pretty gritty past with the CIA, and the unfortunate former ghost writer, having discovered this, may not have had an accident so mysterious. What to do, what to do?
My Take: Ewan McGregor is just precious, isn't he? And who can't just picture Pierce Brosnan continuously poking suspected terrorist in the nose and then chortling queitly to himself? Though I'm put off by the cop out of naming the ghost writer "The Ghost" I can't see how this movie could be anything other than scandalously exciting, even if it is directed by a known criminal. This is Hollywood... do we really care?
Shutter Island (Rated R for Ruffalo; the man of my dreams.)
Synopsis:
The place: Shutter Island The year: 1954
The Story: An infamous murderess has escaped a high security mental hospital, seemingly without effort. U.S. Marshal Teddy Daniels (Leonardo DiCaprio) along with his new partner Chuck Aule (Mark Ruffalo) are sent to the island to investigate. An impending hurricane causes them to move the investigation along, but it only becomes more and MORE mysterious as the minutes fly by. It appears the hospital may be into some pretty shady business practices and I'm not sure that these two do anything about it, but that's why you watch the movie.
My Take: If I was forced at machete point and asked to name my Hollywood crush, I would, exasperated and scared for my life, stammer out "Mark Ruffalo." In a life or death moment like that I wouldn't be able to even begin thinking of a man more beautiful and more properly facial-haired than Mr. Ruffalo. I've been known to chide people when they say they're going to see a movie solely because Liam Neeson is in it, but Mark Ruffalo IS my Liam Neeson. On top of that... the movie has a mental hospital! Throw in some religious mythology and you've got a Katy must-see thriller. Surprise--I do like movies!
Today's Music Video:
Mother Mother Touch Up.
Mother Mother is a delightful little Canadian indie-rock band that has been singing direct to my soul for the past year. I adored their first album "Touch Up" mainly because every song is just a little different from the last. This past year they released their second album titled "O My Heart" which I've enjoyed, but not yet to the extent of their first. I can only assume it's better than Vampire Weekend, but I'll have to ask Jake or Glenn.
“I am not a faggot,” Dolton said nervously to himself. He had been preparing for the exercise for days. He scoped his route. He timed the traffic – luckily for him there hadn’t been any. He knew every potential witness in the neighborhood by first and last name and he knew their hopes and dreams. Dolton had gotten the total execution time down to under sixty seconds. This had taken several dozen practice runs in his basement all while listening to the cassette single of ‘Runaway Train’ by Soul Asylum on repeat.
He had dressed the part, too. No one would call him faggot wearing his grandpa’s WWII Navy outfit. And that was exactly the point. He wasn’t a faggot. Yet Jerold Hulger, the teenager from across the street had spray-painted a message stating the contrary on Dolton’s door. Dolton observed this brazen act in the middle of a Saturday afternoon from his window while he was enjoying his elaborate train set in the attic. Dolton lived by himself, off of the insurance money from the death of his mother, so the message had to have been intended for him.
He had avoided the boy for years after Jerold once showed him his box of knives that he kept in the garage for the inevitable Chinese invasion. But his avoidance was mostly because he felt he knew too much and didn’t want to be implicated when he got the chance to switch allegiance to his new Chinese overlords. In reality, Dolton had a crippling fear of the world and everyone in it - especially of those that rode BMXs, had girlfriends, and spray-painted graffiti on peoples’ houses.
He hadn’t been outside since his mother’s death. His groceries were delivered to his front porch. At night when he would go to sleep he would cry, not out of grief but out of a sense of the depth of suffering and fright that plagued every direction outside of his house all the way around the globe back to his front door. Now even his door was not safe.
“I am not a faggot,” he reassured himself one last time before he set his clock for 3 a.m., cried, and then fell asleep. When the alarm went off Dolton fluidly got out of bed, retrieved his grandpa’s hunting knife from the lock box and braced himself at the front door. He surveyed the neighborhood for activity - loose dogs; wandering drunks. It was all clear. Dolton burst out of the front door, sprinting, his kerchief ends flapping flamboyantly in the breeze. He ran up the stoop to the Hulgers' front door and unsheathed the knife. He engraved the words, "Kilroy was here" in half-inch letters while violently mumbling “This is for grandpa!” and “Who’s the faggot now?”
After he finished he turned to prance back home. He had been so focused on executing what he’d practiced that he didn’t notice the car approaching. It nearly hit him as he ran out into the middle of the street, then froze – caught in the headlights. The car stopped and the police officer inside squinted at Dolton for quite awhile trying to take in the shaky, knife-wielding man-boy in an antique sailor’s uniform. Finally Dolton sneezed, regained his composure, and completed the run.
Dolton scramble into his house fifteen feet from where the police officer watched, confused. No lights came on in the house. The police officer eventually shook his head and drove off. After the neighborhood was still once again a faint noise could be heard:
"Runaway Train, never going back Wrong way, on a one way track Feels like I should be getting somewhere, Somehow I'm neither here nor there"
I went to a Korean War re-enactment. No one appreciated my giant Confederate flag.
Why are babies such dicks? They are never the ones to call first after a date.
Speaking of dating, I took my date to the movie the other day – Valentine’s Day – She was really pissed when I picked her up afterward; and murdered her.
Have you ever noticed that there is ‘toilet’ paper?
I was at a parade once and I threw a bag of marbles in the street like in that movie ‘Animal House’. Instead of being hilarious the parade stopped, people yelled at me and I was arrested for an act of terrorism.
In the age old debate of cats vs. dogs no one has ever considered this possibility – cats vs. dogs & robots.
Why is it every time I go to the post office people get upset when I lick their stamps for them.
Two guys are driving in a car with a penguin. A cop pulls them over and asks ‘what are you doing with the penguin’. They say they are taking him to the zoo. They are arrested for an act of terrorism.
Don’t you find it annoying when people tell you about their dreams? Yea, I thought so, James Earl Ray.
Why would people bother to speak a language other than English? I already know English!
If cake is so delicious, why did the Holocaust happen?
St. Patrick's Day is coming up. You know what they say about the Irish, they are genetically predisposed to have red hair.
Have you ever heard of the Red Baron? He was the Nazi pilot that killed dozens of allied troops. Now he’s a mascot for a frozen pizza! What’s next, are they gonna have Apolo Ohno selling cold medicine?!
I was robbing a gas station the other day and the clerk tried to say ‘please don’t hurt me’ but instead he said ‘please hon’t durt me’. We looked quizzically at each other and began to laugh. Then I shot him.
Maddie had to go to a Hawaiian-style pig roast last night and had one too many lava flows. Imagine my surprise as my phone rings at 2 in the morning and Maddie is drunk on the other line asking me if I can cover the good morning article for today. At first I was hesitant, but Maddie assured me it would be worth my while and here I am.
A Haiku Watch out for sandworms They will try to swallow you Beetlejuice, showtime
A Joke How many screws does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 27
A Picture Taken from my front yard during a snow storm.
Music Video
This is great for those who don't have a lot of time but still want to know what the top 25 best-selling songs of 2009 were. In under 5 minutes you'll know enough about pop music to impress a 10-year-old.
This is normally where Glenn (or somebody stealing his bit) would make a prediction. Instead of that, I'm just going to cut my losses and say goodbye to those kind enough to read this article but not comment on it. I'll see everybody else in the comment section or on Cam4.
It's Wednesday, AKA Hump Day. We're mid week. It's time to evaluate what has happened, what we have done, what will happen, and what we need to do.
Sunday, Valentine's Day:
This week may have started off with a bang for you, especially if you got laid! But if you didn't, it's ok ...or is it? That is the question we must attempt to answer now.
Are you alone? Did you have a date? Did it go well or poorly? Did your obligatory romantic holiday actions live up to the expectations of your lover's? Are you in the doghouse now? What have you done to get yourself there or to make up for your poor performance on the Big Day? Is Extenze the answer?
Please tell us about your V-Day experience in the comments section. Maybe Hi Katy will help you analyze it later in the week.
Monday, President's Day:
WHOA! BACK-TO-BACK holidays! Hope you didn't have to go to the bank on Monday. Your plans for depositing/withdrawing money would have been ruined.
I noticed Huffington Post had an obscene amount of President's Day posts. One was of the ten best president-related videos their interns could find on YouTube. Really there is only one, and it's about George Washington (he weighs a fucking ton!)
Tuesday, yesterday:
Man, Tuesday really seems lame now, but Glenn and Jake had a great debate about Vampire Weekend. I wonder who will watch "Oxford Comma" by Vampire Weekend first:
Yes, who does give a fuck about an Oxford comma? I bet English majors, journalists, and general grammar freaks do.
Mitt Romney wrote a book about "American Exceptionalism" which is a disorder in which one repeats "U-S-A! NUMBER 1!" despite the fact that the US isn't at the top of many lists any more. I mean, come on, Canada might top us in the medal count by the end of the Winter Olympics!
I probably left some out. Post links you think I should have posted in the comments section with your V-Day problems.
Thursday, tomorrow, the immediate future:
All day should be spent day dreaming about Friday and what you are going to do this weekend.
Friday:
SHUTTER ISLAND IS COMING OUT!!! You may not be able to tell by the capital letters I used to write that last sentence, but I am very excited about this movie (inflection is hard to convey over the internet.) It looks like it will be a good suspense/horror film that doesn't involve a Saw and a Roman numeral. Glenn and I may be in the same town for its premiere this weekend. If so, we will watch it. A blog post may be produced afterward of our shared experience of watching the film.
Saturday:
There are now only eight days left of Black History Month because 2010 is not a leap year.
February is an awkward month. It is the least sexy month, yet Valentine's Day is right there in the middle. And of course, it's also Black History month which puts the issue of racial inequalities right in the face of upper-class, white males, like myself, who tend to just ignore the issue and point to the fact that they voted for Barack Obama as evidence of racial sensitivity.
We need to either move Black History month to January with MLK Jr Day or vice versa, and kick V-Day ahead to March when there is at least the possibility of flowers blooming somewhere that isn't a greenhouse for $14.95 per rose.
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Welp. That wraps up the week. I hope you reached a moment of Zen-like meditation considering your love life and the placement of holidays on the Gregorian calendar. Time for predictions!
Predictions!
Jake and Glenn will watch the Vampire Weekend video I posted, but deny it to try to be too cool for the hype. KiD CuDi will sample Vampire Weekend and rap about his relationship with Amanda Bynes and "Mary Jane" then release it on the internet. Jake and Glenn will admit to watching this video, but only because they have a crush on Amanda Bynes like I do.
The Scottish Terrier will be assassinated in the next Westminster Dog Show protest.
OYIT will become the #1 site in America and Mitt Romney will write an addendum to his book about it.
Evan Bayh will retire to live out his fantasy as a K Street lobbyist.
And after everyone reads this post and reevaluates their week and life, they will realize they need to post more in the comments section instead of just lurking (I'VE SEEN THE GOOGLE ANALYTICS!!! I KNOW YOU'RE LURKING!!!) Maybe even a few female readers will grow a set of balls and start writing for this site!
HAVE A GOOD WEDNESDAY!!!
Oh, hey, look at this! One of my predictions is already coming true!!!
Vampire Weekend are probably the most famous band to come on the music scene in the past year. Neither Jake nor Glenn have yet listened to them at this point, but this - like America's dependence on foreign oil - cannot last forever. Vampire Weekend could be guitar based or electronic based, new wave or no wave, post-rock or post-punk. We are as uncertain as Sophie when it was time for her to make a choice. Jake is as familiar with Vampire Weekend as he is the legislative process and Glenn knows more about how to make a longterm relationship work than he does indie rock's best band of 2009. Who will crack first? Who among the two of them will break down and finally see what all the hype is about?
Jake: I am going to have to insist that Glenn will be the first of us to listen to Vampire Weekend. I listen to a far greater amount of new music than he does, and so far have avoided Vampire Weekend. I just feel like I won't like them and nobody has ever recommended Vampire Weekend to me.
While it's true that Glenn doesn't often listen to many new bands, he does listen to popular bands. Vampire Weekend was number one on the Billboard chart and you can't get any more popular than that. Glenn also usually dates younger women and men, and they tend to be people who listen to indie music. I'm pretty sure Vampire Weekend has an "indie sound." Glenn told me that he recently has been listening to Phoenix, so logically he'll be listening to Vampire Weekend in no time.
Glenn: It is true that I do not always stay up on the newest bands the way that Jacob does-- until I found out I might be going to Coachella this year. This is due to the fact I don't usually download music illegally and that there are many "classic" albums I've still yet to hear. How can I listen to Vampire Weekend when I haven't ever heard in their entirety Abbey Road, Marquee Moon, Surfer Rosa or Zeppelin IV? Since Jake has heard all of these albums (and co-produced Surfer Rosa) there's no ethical quandary to him busting out the new Vampire Weekend. Also, Vampire Weekend formed in Hammond, Indiana where Jake lives. How can you turn your back on a hometown band? That would be like Dennis Rader not listening to Nirvana!
Jake: Vampire Weekend is actually from New York, which is much closer to Glenn's heart than mine. Glenn has even been to New York. He visits Maddie there, and she naturally loves her hometown band, Vampire Weekend. It is likely that Glenn has heard VW without knowing it. I can assure you that I have never heard them. I never listen to the radio, I only watch music videos on the internet and I have not seen a single episode of Life with Liz, which is a show that may or may not star members of Vampire Weekend. Regular OYIT readers will know how much Glenn's life revolves around Life with Liz. I have listened to all of the classic albums Glenn has listed, and I'm not even really a fan of any of them. If Vampire Weekend is the culmination of all of those albums, why would I want to listen to it?
Glenn: No no, let me clarify. I did not mean to imply that if you took all the vinyls of the aforementioned albums, chopped them up into little pieces and melted them back into a record that they would become Vampire Weekend's self-titled LP. What I mean is that I have all of these mental blocks in place before I could ever consider listening to Vampire Weekend. I take Jake's point about not being exposed to music, but the same is true for me. I'm not 45 and I don't listen to the radio. Sure I watch tons of videos online but they're almost all Taylor Swift. The fact that you know where Vampire Weekend is FROM while I don't even know for sure if they're actual vampires is all the more reason I think you're on the road to listening. They could have been played on My Life is Liz, but I would know it since MTV has a thing now where they tell you during a show what song is playing. I've never seen VW on there, though I have seen a very realistic portrayal of high school life in Texas.
Jake: I looked up Celebrities from Hammond, Indiana up on Wikipedia and saw that Vampire Weekend was absent from the list. Then I looked at Vampire Weekend's hometown on Ask.com. Hometown notwithstanding, I am no longer even arguing who will listen to them first, I am arguing that Glenn has already heard them without even knowing it. I downloaded the most recent Vampire Weekend album to see what all the much-to-do was about, but I very quickly deleted it. That was the closest I will ever get to hearing them on my own. Obviously an incident could occur where I'm at somebody's house or car and they play VW. This is unlikely because I am a hermit.
Glenn: Jake can compare himself to Howard Hughes all he wants but the only thing he has in common with him are the jars full of urine in his basement. Speaking of, Jake also told me his favorite song was "Howard Hughes Is My Co-Pilot," which I believe is a Vampire Weekend b-side. I made that last fact up - as I also made up that Vampire Weekend are from Hammond, IN. Sometimes you have to lie to make points in a debate, just like you have to lie to get elected to Congress. This doesn't change one indisputable truth: I have never heard Vampire Weekend. I don't know what they sound like, who their influences are, or if they threatened to leave the United States if George Bush was elected in 2000. For all I know they weren't even born in 2000! Most of the readers of this site weren't. Jake admitted he downloaded the VM album and says he "deleted" it but probably only sent it to the recycling bin. Then, much as my parents did with my first crib, he probably pulled it out of the trash, cleaned it up and rocks/thumps/sways to it every night. The smooth R&B sounds of their self-titled album can drown out any screaming baby.
Surprise! I bet you were expecting Maddie, who usually writes the Tuesday good morning posts. But instead you have me. Surprise! I'm used to talking with you on Thursday mornings when the weekend is on the horizon and NBC's Must See TV is on that night. This Thursday would have been particularly special because Ash Wednesday is tomorrow. That's a big day for Christians because it's when Jesus was put to death by the Greeks for corrupting youth and impiety.
[I may be confusing Jesus with Socrates again. Remember, I went to an inner city public school and we had etch-a-sketches instead of computers.]
Today's Weather
or if you prefer
In case you are one of OYIT's many blind readers and I have to spell it out for you, it is W-I-N-D-E-E outside. When I was on the interstate earlier today, I felt warm enough to drive wearing just a t-shirt and without the heat on. This is because the sun is trying to warm the earth but Father Wind is doing his best to hurt people. In fact, when I pulled off the interstate I saw a man in tattered clothes holding a sign that said "Cancer Patient Any Help Needed." This would have been bad enough but he was also crying. Whether it was from the wind, the utter despair of his situation or both, the conclusion is still the same: life is cruel.
Today's Album Releases This is a pretty big day in music, maybe even bigger than the day the Big Bopper's plane crashed or when Axl Rose reformed Guns 'n' Roses with Buckethead and Tiny Tim. A band called the Dum Dum Girls are releasing an album called Jail La La. Peter Gabriel has a new release called Scratch My Back, which I assume is full of adult contemporary songs. I don't know for sure though as the only Peter Gabriel song I know is Solsbury Hill. It was on the In Good Company trailer. Trailers are how I find out about new artists sometimes! That's how I first heard the LCD Soundsystem song "All My Friends" or the Red Hot Chili Peppers song "My Friends." Finally, there is a new album by Usher. I don't enjoy his music except for the Thong Song.
Today's Prisoner Dilemma The US Census is happening this year, if ACORN can get their act together. Every time you start counting people there arises the question: where do prisoners really live? Under the current norms of counting, prisoners are counted where they live behind bars and not as citizens of the communities where they are from and will return to later. This means that your rural areas are getting extra people counted in their populations and the more urban areas where crimes are thankfully committed are slighted. The more people you have = the more political power you have, with the exception of North Dakota:
Peter Wagner of the nonprofit Prison Policy Initiative calls them "phantom constituents." In New York, they pad mostly white, mostly Republican districts that have been losing population. (courtesy NPR)
Today's Prediction Peter Gabriel will be arrested and sent to a rural prison in New York after his new album causes impiety and corruption among people over 45. The Census will over represent him and other imprisoned pop stars because of the large number of hits they have. The memory of that cancer victim will eat away at me until I have to leave North Dakota and its harsh winds and go on tour with the Dum Dum Girls. They don't travel outside of Japan and the West Coast.
My wife keeps telling me to get some Krispy Kreme donuts, but I can't bring myself to cheat on Dunkin' Donuts. They have the best jellies I've ever tasted.
Suge Knight is just a big bully. I said it, and he knows where he can find me.
Joe Piscapo was a pretty funny dude.
What in the heck is a Google Wave?
Excuse me if I think John Candy is funny. I don't think that's a crime.
Is it just me or does Snoop Dogg have too much charisma?
Nobody feels like eating a nice stick of licorice anymore. People just want to carjack you.
I wouldn't go see Drew Carey live or anything, but I do enjoy his show when they replay it on TBS.
Do people still order HBO?
If I get a flat tire I'll just call AAA. I'm not even going to attempt to change it.
Dragons are dinosaurs that breathe fire, but at least they have never existed. That's got to help you sleep at night.
Grilled cheese and tomato soup is the best "get better" combination for a sick fellow.
If gasoline is so expensive in the world of Mad Max I wonder how much it costs per gallon.
My niece finds these new Strawberry Shortcake videos hilarious, but I just don't get them.
When I first opened One Year in Texas I was understandably shocked due to the lack of Good Morning article today. Then it hit me like a train hitting a mini-van trying to race across the tracks: it's Presidents Day!
I'm sure Presidents Day means a lot to the other authors of OYIT. Maddie is president of the R. Kelly Pissed on Me Facebook group, for instance. I'm sure Glenn and Nate are making collages of their liberal, presidential heroes. How am I going to celebrate Presidents Day? The same way I celebrated Valentine's Day-- by making a list of my favorite United States Presidents.
George Washington A lot of grade school children will have you believing that first is the worst, but in this case that old adage is false. Washington was one of the best presidents, and the most successful person who had wooden teeth. He also chopped down a cherry tree, which doesn't seem like a big deal until you realized it was his family's only source of income. His punishment was to found a nation.
Abraham Lincoln Lincoln is the only gay president the United States has had so far. Sure, he had a beard, both literally and figuratively, but most successful gays do (like Merv Griffin). Lincoln also "freed the slaves," which is pretty impressive considering how strong Jefferson Davis was.
FDR Franklin Roosevelt served more terms in office than any other human being, even Garfield (the president and the cat...put together!).
JFK Kennedy is the proof that if your father was a bootlegger then you can really do anything with your life. JFK is most famous for having his brains blown out in Dallas. Along with 1997 Montreal Screwjob, the JFK assassination remains one of the controversial events in American History and has spawned many conspiracy theories.
Bill Clinton Bill Clinton was sort of like if Paris Hilton was the president. He was always up to trouble, but you couldn't resist his slick lawyer charm, just like you can't resist one of Hilton's rhythmic dance songs. Clinton is most famous for hooking up with Jewesses with junk in the trunk and doing things with cigars that would make Jim Belushi blush.
Obama He is America's first African-American and most handsome president. Him being president really helps you single out the racists.
Who is your favorite President? What are the rule for capitalizing the word "president" anyway? Is Obama doing a good job as the president? Who do you think is sexier: Obama or JFK?
It's Sunday and you just returned from Sunday mass. What is the thing you want to do the very most right now? That's right, go on the internet and watch some music videos personally picked out by me. Enjoy!
This video by Yeasayer is great. They go to some apartment and play somebody's piano. This is the last part of the Yeasayer Take Away Show, and the whole show can be viewed here if you're into it.
Magnolia Electric Co are a great band, but doesn't their singer look like French Stewart with a mustache? Plus, his hat is seriously stupid.
This extremely long video for the Dan Deacon song "Woof Woof," which is a muffled rap song, is seriously weird. The music doesn't start until 6 minutes into the video, but you'll be too busy being confused to notice. I hope they spin this off into a TV show.
Amanda Bynes is starring in the new Farrely Bros. movie titled Hall Pass.
America's Frankenstein, Heidi Montag, is still going on about her plastic surgery. Somebody shut this bitch up.
Amanda Bynes is starring in the new Farrely Bros. movie titled Hall Pass.
America's Frankenstein, Heidi Montag, is still going on about her plastic surgery. Somebody shut this bitch up.
